Undergraduate / My mother; strong influential person. [5]

The essay itself is great and well-written. The story and background are touching as well. However, the prompt you chose, and the topic you chose to write about put you at a disadvantage.

If you think about it, everyone who chooses this prompt will most likely write about a hero, be it their mom, dad, teacher, whomever. This inevitable fact lumps your great essay with the other typical "my mom is a great influence on me" or "my dad is great a influence on me" type of essays. If you are applying to selective colleges, I think it would be in your best interests to not be commonplace but to be unique and different.

An example of an essay/topic that would surprise and catch the adcom's attention would be:

Having a model/influential person who isn't "perfect" and somehow teaches you, reminds you, disillusions you.

I don't know...something like that?

Undergraduate / The game of "Steal the Bacon" -Common APP Topic of Choice Essay [4]

Although the topic may be different, it shows nothing about you besides the fact that you're indifferent and lack passion--which, imo, isn't something you want to convey to an adcom.

Undergraduate / The High Museum / a Compliment / History Witness / Being Better Yale Short Answers [4]


What is "this?"


The reason why you would like to witness this event is also quite convoluted.

And with regards to the "Why Yale?" short answer, I actually like the ending. Its quite poetic. However, in the end it should be YOUR decision. You shouldn't blindly take people's suggestions.

Undergraduate / "Jeffrey Sachs" - Why Columbia Supplement [6]

UPDATED VERSION
UPDATED VERSION

The class sighed in relief as Mr. Thomas announced that we were watching a video today. The lights were turned off and Frontline: Commanding Heights turned on.

As some of my peers fell into a comfortable sleep, I watched intently as some of the world's most influential men and women weaved in and out of the video, reciting blurbs and tidbits of wisdom before their abrupt exit.

A man came on the video. As he proceeded to espouse Keynesian economics, bold white letters materialized in the corner of the screen: "Jeffrey D. Sachs, Harvard University."

I don't know what compelled me to Google Jeffrey Sachs, perhaps it was his adamant beliefs, the peculiar but captivating way he talked, or the seemingly endless fountain of knowledge and experience he possessed at such a young age. Jeffrey Sachs was the recipient of many accolades: from TIME's 100 most influential people to acting as economic advisor to Latin American and European countries. And that Jeffrey Sachs had resigned from teaching economics at Harvard and moved on to be director of the Columbia University Earth Institute.

In a way, Mr. Sachs embodies Columbia's CORE curriculum. He didn't move on to Columbia to continue teaching economics; instead, he branched out and furthered his other interests and became Professors of both Sustainable Development and Health Policy and Management. Like Mr. Sachs, I am interested in economics but also want to discover and cultivate other areas of my interest. I believe I can do this at Columbia.

Through Columbia's CORE curriculum, I hope to perhaps one day be one of Mr. Sachs' students. If not, however, there isn't a doubt in my mind that Columbia can afford me many more "Mr. Sachs's."

Undergraduate / Leadership Program known as L.E.A.D - My why columbia essay. [4]


I think you mean Columbia. Haha. Otherwise, it seemed anecdotal--which is good--and school specific.

Undergraduate / "Sensei about life: it's about doing it or not doing it" - CommonApp essay [5]

I agree to a certain extent with what Doom said. However, I also believe your essay is a cliched worked well.

Undergraduate / "Live, Learn, and Love" - Princeton University: Two Summers Supplement [5]


This sentence is awkwardly phrased. I had to double-take in order to understand what you actually meant--something you definitely do not want an adcom to have to do. I would suggest phrasing it so that it is more clear.

Other than that, I found the essay to be interesting and very well written.

If you could, please take a look at my edited essay! (It is the last post)

Undergraduate / "A new perspective on the music" - Rough Draft of Brown Supplement Essay [3]

The relationship between your car and investing seems very disjointed. If I were you, I would make the relationship clearer and flowing.

Undergraduate / "An environment of intellectual equals and the People" -Stanford a good place for me? [5]

This essay is definitely too vague. Your argument for desiring an environment of intellectual equals can apply to many other colleges, not just Stanford.
I would suggest doing some actual research about Stanford and finding out what specific nuances about Stanford excite you. And of course, do not forget to answer the underlying question within all these questions: Why would Stanford want YOU?

Undergraduate / "Summer of languages" - Princeton short answer [4]

I really like this essay. One inevitable flaw about this essay, however, is that it lends or implies the idea that you are well-off and have the privilege to travel to exotic places--just something you might want to consider.

Undergraduate / "No money for you!"- Columbia Supplement [6]

This is about 99% story and 1% what appeals to you about Columbia/why. I would rewrite it.