Undergraduate / "Beyond the Physical" - Common App [6]

Hi all,

I am looking for some suggestions as to how to improve my Common App essay (not so much grammar suggestions as thoughts on the general idea and structure of the essay). I would really appreciate any advice! Feel free to be harsh! Thank you in advance!

Beyond the Physical

"Who can come up and solve this problem?" I would ask. By the response, you would have thought that I was handing out free video games rather than asking for a volunteer to answer a high school level physics problem on the board. All the students in my Science Olympiad class were jumping out of their seats, shouting "Pick me, pick me!" and ecstatically waving their hands in the air. For so long, I had dreamed of this moment.

Only a month ago, the students in my physics class had been doodling cartoons in their notebooks and chatting about the latest movies during class time. While they quickly learned voltage, current, and whatever other concepts I threw their way, I did not sense that strong desire to learn physics. Class consisted of me lecturing enthusiastically about electricity as my students sat slumped in their seats, listening only half-heartedly. I wanted to engage their interest. I wanted to show them that physics could be fun! I wanted them to experience the thrill of problem solving. With those goals in mind, I revamped the class: The example problems were no longer about throwing a boring ball up in the air. Instead, they featured the boys racing against cheetahs or an elastic collision between a "fat guy" and a "skinny dude". I invented "Quantums", paper money used to reward class participation and homework completion. Furthermore, I kept the competitive spirit alive with relay races and games like Physics Jeopardy. With these new additions, more hands shot up when I posed a question to the class. While there was plenty of laughter, I also saw a new intensity in the kids. Their ears perked up in class, they sat up straighter, but perhaps the most telling measure of success was that I began to hear the question, "Can we please do another problem?"

As the class moved on to more complex questions, however, I heard my students cry out with reluctance and almost fear. Once I asked Kevin to try a more difficult problem and he replied, "Let Jonathan do it. I'm going to get it wrong anyways." Kevin's dismay struck a cord within me; I endeavored to provide my students with the confidence and the courage to tackle any challenge. I broke tough problems down into more manageable steps. When I carefully explained why we needed to isolate the "R" variable or why acceleration in this case was zero, I would often hear "Oh, I get it! Is that really all there is to it?" With the help of Quantums, I celebrated both the students' successes and their mistakes. And with a strong emphasis on doing practice problems and homework, the phrase "practice makes prefect" nearly became our motto. I wanted my class to understand that there is no insurmountable task in the face of hard work and resilience.

I love physics. It was also one of my hardest classes, and in that respect, I can identify with my students. The course's challenge, however, was precisely why I found it so fun and engaging. I hope to instill in my students that same spirit of confronting adversity with confidence. Being a teacher for Science Olympiad has meant going beyond the physical involvement of preparing and delivering weekly lectures about Ohm's Law or magnetism; I want to teach my students how to learn and why to learn. I want to inspire them and spark a lifelong interest in science.

Undergraduate / "our most outrageous diva poses" -HPY - Meghan has had a significant influence [5]

Hi all,

I am looking for some suggestions as to how to improve my essay (not so much grammar suggestions as thoughts on the general idea and structure of the essay). I would really appreciate any advice! Please be harsh! I am also open to suggestions for a title. Thank you in advance!

Bam! On the last beat of the song, Meghan and I struck our most outrageous diva poses. Breathing heavily and nearly panting after finishing our original three minute fifty-seven second dance routine, the two of us stood in front of mom and dad with beaming eyes and the silliest grins slapped across our faces. "Bravo!" one of them shouted, as my sister and I happily welcomed the sweet sound of applause. Whether they were truly impressed with our routine or simply amused by our amateur dance moves, I could not be sure, but in any case, our thrilling performance had been a success. The journey to this point, however, had been marred by discord and dispute.

When Meghan and I were in the first and fourth grade, respectively, our cousin had gifted us a pink portable boom box embellished with pink and purple daisies. Naturally, it was the first thing we turned to on the next rainy day. As soon as we brought out the new toy, an argument over who had DJ rights immediately erupted.

"Stop pressing the skip button! I want to listen to that song!"
"I hate that song!"
"Can't you let me have my way for once?"
Hoping to put an end to the incessant bickering and to divert our attention from the contentious issue, my mother suggested choreographing our own dance to the music. Little did she know that she was opening a whole new can of worms.

Meghan and I enjoyed an entire five minutes of conflict-free fun. "Five, six, seven, eight!" I would count. As the pop song started, we would happily skip around a circle with arms outstretched like airplane wings. After that, however, Meghan desperately wanted to incorporate a couple of spins while I thought some funky arm movements were much more appropriate for that part. I emerged victorious, but the next minute, Meghan and I were once again battling over the specific type of arm movements to include. Frustrated and emotionally drained, I blurted out, "I'm older, so my ideas are better!" One thing I admire about my sister is her will to stand up for herself. In response to my comment, an enraged Meghan started on a bona fide rant on how so very wrong I was, and subsequently stormed off.

Meghan and I settled our differences the next day and worked on our routine until it was performance ready. The dance turned out even better than I imagined with Meghan's input. Looking back, I appreciate that Meghan put me in my place. I was so focused on fulfilling my own vision of the dance that I opposed to all of my sister's suggestions. This incident and many others have taught me the importance of reconciliation. Even if Meghan is four years younger than me, her opinion is equally as valuable. I have realized that to lead effectively, being sensitive to others' needs is as important as pursing one's own goals.