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Posts by jstorm
Joined: Dec 26, 2010
Last Post: Dec 28, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 7  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 11
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jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "A teenager ventures to a faraway foreign country" - Penn State personal statement [2]

Some good ideas happening here, this sounds like a very neat experience. I do think you need to focus more on the experience. I'm intrigued by the end of your essay when you say you lost your focus. Why? I think it would be much stronger if you elaborated a bit there. You might even have an entire essay about that experience.
jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Lean on Me" - Stanford: letter to future roommate [2]

Dear Future Roommate,

I should forewarn you that I have a lot of energy. Luckily, I've found a place to channel it all: running. My approach to running is much like my approach to life; one needs to have flexibility, good nutrition, and support.

On any run, I usually find myself weaving from the back to the front. I'm never engrained in one spot, but prefer to roam the pack and gather information about everyone's day. I'm drawn to the energy of large crowds; meeting new people and trying new things has become a near addiction. Just as the winter off season led me to discover a passion for swing dancing and yoga, I know our experiences together will lead to new experiences and new areas of interest. I can't wait to find out what you're interested in.

I do my best thinking while running at night, so don't be alarmed if I awake with a sudden urge to venture onto the quad. With running comes a need for good food so I hope you'll join me in eating hearty pasta dishes, swap theories of existence over late night cups of mate, and put up with my Scandinavian need to fill our room with stacks of homemade lefse during the holiday season.

The morning before my first cross country practice, I loaded up on a bowl of cereal, a peanut butter bagel, a large bowl of eggs, some oatmeal, and a yogurt for good measure. While the desire to feel prepared certainly did not lead into a very good run, I assure you that desire will serve as an asset to our room. I'll be ready to help you prepare for any test, edit any paper, and lend any piece of clothing you might like. While I don't listen to music while running, I've been known to blast the chorus of "Lean on Me" during long, hard miles. You can lean on me, roomie!

Jen Storm
jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am from a village in Macedonia" - A letter to your future roommate! [3]

My name is Nikolche Kolev and I am from a village in Macedonia called Erdzelija. Macedonia is a small country located in the Balkans, in the southeastern part of Europe. I could write about my love for sports, rock music and science fiction, but I believe that we already might have that in common.

know that you may have never heard of Macedonia before, So I'll try to give you a unique aspect of mine.

One of my favorite pastimes is making paper airplanes. As I grew up, I took my passion for making flying crafts to the next level. I created my first hovercraft model when I was eleven. There is no greater pleasure for me than seeing something I created with my own hands working perfectly.

Another thing is that I love computer games. I love playing strategies like Stronghold Crusader and Red Alert. If you like, these games also, we can have a little one on one when we meet.

*Check verbs and how the sentences start

I am sure that you haven't heard about my favorite card game Kant. This game is specific to my hometown, and is especially difficult to master due to its tactical aspect. Kant is all about guessing your teammates cards from the way he or she is playing. Masters of the game are able to guess their cards just after a couple of hands!

I can't wait to show the dynamic of Kant in person!
Sincerely,
Nikolche

Good overall! Just a few things I thought sounded a little odd, but that's just my two cents. Hope it helped a bit!
jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford engaging idea: patient capitalism [3]

Jacqueline Novogratz, found of the Acumen Fund, describes patient capital as a third way to think about aid. The happy medium between investment and philanthropy, it offers a promising means to assist the struggling poor and address the disparity that occurs where the market has failed. A risk tolerant investment with the goal of maximizing social benefit, patient capital engages my interests in both economics and humanitarianism.

Working on social projects in my community leads me to consider how humanitarian issues such as hunger and poverty might be addressed on a global scale. Furthermore, I'm captivated by the process of shifting the focus from alleviating the need to creating sustainable change in a way that respects the time and energy required to make that change. Starting a business in a poor market is an arduous process; I agree with the theory that patient capital investment provides solid groundwork needed for it to thrive. A philanthropic effort coupled with an economic approach, it respects the dignity of societies by using the market to provide motivation and incentive to hone and refine needed products.

By investing in entrepreneurs over the long haul, patient capital provides and opportunity for these individuals to create a stable product that can withstand the test of the market. From the sunflower fields in Sudan to the solar power plants in Ethiopia, these long term investments allow innovation to flourish. Patient capital presents an exciting way to solve poverty by fostering a global community of entrepreneurs. Passionate about addressing the concerns of society, I believe the model of patient capital offers a potential solution to support the world's most destitute citizens
jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "two guilty pleasures: baking and 90's sitcoms" - roommate essay [7]

Hey! I think this is a really great essay, you convey you're character through your new love of baking- it serves as a good medium to showcase other qualities! Structurally its pretty sound, the essay gives me the feeling that you're someone who likes to try new things and is pretty low-key and easy to get along with, along with a very good chef! I don't think the point of the prompt is to tell every little nuance about you, but to give a little bit more of a picture. Good work!

if you get a chance, would you check out my stanford intellectually engaging idea?
jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "We motivated an entire community to feed an entire state" - experience, impact [2]

The prompt is to evaluate at significant experience and its impact. Please have away at my essay!

On the concluding night of the project I was in dire panic. The five months of meetings, presentations to local businesses, trips to the community food bank, and all the hours spent on the miscellaneous unanticipated problems that come with any ambitious project seemed like a waste. On the computer screen in front of me, an email from our account manager announced that we were nearly $35,000 short of our goal. A feeling of failure engulfed me.

During the fall semester of my senior year, I and twelve other high school seniors orchestrated the 2010 Fill the Dome Youth-Led Food Drive (FTD). FTD responds to the state's food shelters' struggle to provide assistance to our underserved poor by calling upon students, businesses, and other members of the community to donate food and money. Our effort coordinated the work of 60 schools and hundreds of businesses in and around the Fargo-Moorhead area. The goal: to raise 110 tons of food and $110,000.

I'm used to reaching my goals. As I focused on the email's figure, $75,000, I wondered what mistakes led to what I could only under stand as a failure. My advisor Luke saw lines of worry crease my face. "Jen, it's not about the number," he said. Taking this to heart, I climbed to the top of the dimly lit stadium. Gazing at the thousands of tomato soup cans, peanut butter jars, and bags of rice that decorated the floor below, my shoulders relaxed and I smiled as I recalled the past months.

My first contact with FTD came when I reported on the project for my school newspaper two years ago. Interviews I conducted with individuals at the YWCA and other shelters heightened my awareness of the unfortunate and complex situations which lead to poverty. I was awed by the mission and impact of FTD. For the past three years, a group of high school students coalesced with the purpose of mobilizing the community to address the incredibly pervasive need across the state. Predicated on the feeling that individuals have the ability to make an impact, I thrived off of the energy of FTD.

Throughout the project, the strengths of our group manifested; I reveled in the opportunity to work with a group of such driven and motivated students. During weekly meetings, my ability to plan ahead and think creatively served as my most valuable contribution. Weekends were spent drafting business contracts in the back corners of various coffee shops and discussing outreach strategies with food bank representatives and non-profit chairs. The baristas began to anticipate my order of the "All-nighter," a five-shot espresso I guzzled to stay awake in order to complete dozens of emails and homework. As I presented the project to energetic first graders, radio talk show hosts, and bank presidents, I was overwhelmed by the excitement that surrounded the project. While I felt the challenges of earning the respect of businessmen and navigating the politics of competing businesses wishing to sponsor FTD, I discovered my own ability to inform and motivate a crowd. With a positive attitude in what we aimed to achieve, I learned that any lack of knowledge and experience can be counterbalanced by passion and conviction.

It was not long before I witnessed that energy proliferate; my phone inbox flooded with messages from eager student council members inquiring how they could help. After hosting weekend turkey trots and dodge-ball tournaments, my car slowly filled with cardboard boxes and canned foods. People questioned my hygiene when I wore the project's bright yellow t-shirt to school for the fifth day in a row. My peer's concerns were assuaged when they saw the literally hundreds of yellow t-shirts and FTD buttons in my car; soon enough, a sea of yellow-clad students flooded the cafeteria and hallways. I found a movement born not by commanding others what to do, but by providing the knowledge and resources to make it easy for them to follow.

The next morning, the FargoDome's eighty-thousand square foot floor was a bustle of activity. Hundreds of volunteers streamed into the arena to package and load the food for distribution. A unique spectacle unfolded as students worked with their high school rivals and kindergarteners worked alongside prominent businessmen. It was a beautiful moment; a cause obliterated the lines of age and status. When we finished, I took the podium for our final press conference. My eyes welled up as I focused on the hundreds of people sitting in the stadium seats. Trying to picture the faces of the one in eleven Cass-Clay residents who seek food assistance, I thought of a woman I once met at the YWCA during the summer I volunteered there. Struggling to balance the demands of food and bills, the simple gift of a food basket would allow her to focus her attention on the other needs of her four young children. In that moment of clarity, I felt embarrassed that falling short of a goal could cloud the tremendous joy our delivery trucks would bring to people who need it most. We motivated an entire community to feed an entire state. The mission of the project was not to reach a certain monetary sum: the mission of this project was to educate the community, inspire youth, and most importantly, feed hungry people. I smiled. We accomplished that.
jstorm   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "born in the Philippines" -How an experience has changed my values - essay [4]

I agree, i think it fits with evaluating an experience a little better. It flows well, but there's an odd division between the first two paragraphs

But I also remember that one of the tenants in the building we lived in was a kind old Ar

15- small error, but write out Fifteen

I like the flow if you use a semi colon instead here:
But it turns out that there are no sides; our divisions are arbitrary at best
jstorm   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford a Good place for you: its in the people, the mission, the place [2]

It's in the people." Every connection I have to Stanford is through a person. If people are the product of their environments, then the environment at Stanford has impacted the most engaging individuals I have encountered. What sets Stanford apart is not only its ability to provide an education which centers on innovation and creativity, but foster a community of spirited individuals focused on making an impact in the world. Having the opportunity to debate political issues and explore the ethics of investigative reporting with some of the country's most inquisitive and ambitious individuals this summer, the quality of one's education is greatly enhanced when surrounded by similarly driven individuals. I would enhance the student community with my desire to make real and lasting connections.

"It's in the mission" Community investment entices me; while all universities boast of copious opportunities and extracurricular activities, Stanford places a special focus on fostering strong bonds amongst their international students and acclaimed faculty while addressing the most pressing concerns of the day. Within my own community, individuals have manifested the free and pioneering spirit that characterizes Stanford; they've initiated the growth of Microsoft, started non-profits, and launched community fundraisers. The impact they have created in my own community inspires me that the education Stanford provides is not only one that centers on delving into academia but one that will supply me with the resources and direct my motivation to where I can make my mark in the world.

"It's in the place." I won't deny that growing up pushing cars out of snow banks and trekking to school in negative degree weather, I'll be eager to take advantage of every bike excursion, jaunt to the Ditch, and occasional weekend in the city. Growing up influenced by mother's family's agriculture background, I'll bring my spirit of hospitality and hard work to the Farm.
jstorm   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "the idea that students explore" - Why Columbia? supplement [3]

I feel as if my whole high school education was a perpetual preparation for standardized tests filled with prep questions, example essays, and practice tests whose sole goal was to make sure I did well on tests.

hmmm this is a little harsh, seems like you're shooting down the quality of your education. I certainly understand what you mean, but maybe state it in a way that respects the support your school gave you but made you want more

I want to experience the world; While researching Columbia, I got the sense that opportunities to do this are limitless.

awkward structure: But maybe, after I finish the Core, I decide on another course of study I know that a plethora of opportunities will await me.

Classes at Columbia are environments in which learning and discussion take place, and students do not simply prepare for a test: this is why I choose Columbia.

Good work! and best of luck! Good ideas and overall good feel

mind checking out mine? its for stanford but same essay prompt
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