Undergraduate / "To Afganistan as a doctor, teacher or businessperson" - Yale Sup Essay [4]

You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

Please comment and be harsh... this is an old essay and I am considering using it for Yale.

"Bombing in Afghanistan kills 10"
"Taliban kill foreign doctors"
"10,000 troops sent to Afghanistan"
When is it all going to end?
I was born in Afghanistan in 1993 during a time of turmoil. My family was able to flee the country when I was 8 months old for safer grounds in Uzbekistan until it was the right time to return. Unfortunately that right time never came and perhaps we are still waiting. I came to America when I was almost 8 years old, but in 2009 I was able to return to my place of birth with a family emergency. This return changed my life dramatically.

Going back to my birthplace made me nervous, even more with what I heard daily on the news. One of my teachers questioned the safety of the trip and my friends jokingly said they hoped I didn't die. I wasn't sure what to expect but upon arrival I first noticed the dry land, some mud houses, dirty streets, and the children running around with torn clothes that were twice as old as themselves. In honesty it was worse than what I imagined. Fortunately our extended families in Afghanistan had decent houses, one with actual real bathroom and toilet seats which only some people could afford. The roads were all muddy with billions of cars racing both ways on one lane streets. It was just a total mess for everyone, but specially the children, the beggars and the poor. I would call Afghanistan conditions the worst conditions any child can grow up in.

We visited one of the neighbors whose mother was sick with cancer and in desperate need of money. The mother was lying on a bed restless when her youngest daughter opened the door. She was wearing old and dirty clothes, twice her own size. She led us the oldest son who was 20 at most who said their mother has had cancer for the last 3 years and only has a few months to live. The son explained that their father left them after her mom was diagnosed and they could not afford food for the family let alone possible treatments to maybe extend her life a few more months. I was so saddened by this story and wondered what did these kids ever do wrong? My mom decided to give the family 100 US dollars before leaving to cover food for maybe 1 month and took their number for further donations.

This is however only one of the few thousands of families living in such poor conditions in Afghanistan. From my first visit back to my country, I deeply remember the horrendous conditions of the people. What has happened to the million of dollars of tax payer money over the years? The war has not brought peace it has promised but greater hatred among the people. You can't go into a country saying we will help you with guns in your hand. Never mind the politics, upon returning back to New York I became grateful for everything I had and got more involved in the American Red Cross, Free The Children and other volunteering groups. I opened my eyes to World News always reading the New York Times about Afghanistan and other countries that need our help. I feel weak right now for not fulfilling my obligations to help out. However I hope to visit again soon perhaps as a doctor, teacher or businessperson and make a difference.

Undergraduate / "carry out operation CAR" - Extracurricular Short Answer. [2]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

This is for the common app prompt above, please edit and critique.
My extracurricular was Arista Tech position where my job was to do a admission report.

I had one goal from staying in the college office every afternoon and free period - to carry out operation CAR. CAR stood for College Admission Report - the name of something possibly unspeakable. The data to people's future was in my fingertips: SAT scores, grade point averages, and rankings. My job was to put this information with the schools these individuals applied to and record their end results. Almost a year later I had a package worth selling to college admission statistics website and instead I gave the information (without the student names to keep confidentiality) to the current class of 2011. Using this data, students were able to compare their own chances of making their dream schools and pick out their safeties. Not only did others benefit through this job, I also reaped the chance to learn about different schools. I offered a helpful hand and my time never thinking I was receiving the benefits of researching schools, and knowing my own chances.

I was considering writing something else, but a few friends liked it and gave some tips.
They said its original, I need more advice.
Please help me edit as well.

Undergraduate / "I was seven when..." - Most unfortunate events in my life. - Cornell [2]

This is my Cornell essay, please critique and edit my grammar. Point out any weakness. Thank YOU!

College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

I was seven when I started stuttering.
I was seven when my father passed away.
I was seven when my grandma was slightly paralyzed.
My love for science sprung from some of the most unfortunate events in my life. Like a scientist searching for answers, the first time I asked why something occurred was when I noticed my stuttering. Death brought more questions then answers and paralysis was a total mystery. Slowly as I grew up, I got answers to my questions though not complete or omnipotent.

I learned paralysis occurs due to damage to the nervous system and that the exact cause of stuttering is still unknown. Leading theorist believe stuttering maybe be a genetic or a neurological problem. I asked my first scientific question after I stuttered, and I received my first scientific answer after learning about paralysis. Though it hit me that death is inevitable, I later found out that my father's death could have been avoided. A primary reason for my father's death was being turned down by a hospital where he went because there were no present doctors. His death brought a desire to become a doctor and help others avoid the same fate.

I asked my first scientific question after stuttering, I decided to pursue a career in science after my father's death and I received my first scientific answer to paralysis. These three events combined with years of taking classes in science have created a desire to enter a science profession. A desire I can fulfill at Cornell with some interesting majors like Biological Sciences and Chemical Biology and classes like "What is Science?". However I leave all eyes, ears and doors open to a well rounded education.

Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences will provide a great liberal arts education with available opportunities in science research. I'm not searching for any education, I am searching for one found only at Cornell. A education that includes a great liberal arts program at the College of Arts and Sciences and science research opportunities at Cornell combined with intramural sports, a unique environment, quirky students, and delicious ice cream.

As I apply to The College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University, I wonder of who I am and what I could become in the future. I can not yet define myself but only hope Cornell University will help my future endeavors. With the opportunities at Cornell, I can truly say that I will enter the scientific world or become a doctor. The challenges I have endured and will encounter motivates me to enter the world of science. I believe that with the unique, quirky and intelligent Cornellian environment, I will take a great stride in achieving me goals.