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Posts by srlee1992
Joined: Dec 30, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am a pendulum" - COMMON APP PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

I am a pendulum, swinging back and forth from one extreme to the other, but slowly coming to a moderate stop. However, it is not the laws of physics that govern my oscillations but time, maturity, knowledge, and experience.

Sliding to the left, twirling, legs and arms moving coherently to the beat of clapping hands, laughter, and passing cars... I was unstoppable. I leaped into the air, landed, and slid on my knees for the grand finale! As the claps get louder and the crowd of people close into me, I realize at the age of five that I am born to dance. Give me a stage, and I will dance on it. Give me a song, and I'll dance to it. Give me nothing, and I will still dance. However, the pendulum shifted to the opposite end when I moved to the Americas, turning my confidence into insecurties. I became an immigrant, and labelled as different. I talk differently, I act differently, and I think differently. With this realization, I built a wall between who I really was and who I portrayed myself as. I became a quiet and almost invisible to the public - no longer found on the stages.

Everything is dark and silent as I try to gain balance and avoid falling into the bottomless abyss. I look into the distance and see a blurry figure in a white scrub running towards me with a sharp point ready to pierce through my skin. Yes, you've guessed it. I'm afraid of everything - darkness, height, needles..etc. I sleep with a night light, hate going on highways, refuse to get shots, and run away from bugs that are one thousandth my size. Gradually, with time and maturity, the pendulum was able to swing again. Except my fears didnt suddenly vanish but instead my courage suddenly grew. I am a person who managed to avoid shots for ten years. Yet, when I was told that a simple needle could save three lives, I willingly signed up to donate my blood. It was no heroic scene where I marched into the room smiling with eagerness, but more like my legs shaking as tears slowly dripping down my face. Nevertheless, I was victorious and saved three lives. My sudden burst of courage and boldness didnt stop there. Before I knew it, I was climbing up a twenty feet rock with no way down other than to jump. As much as I wanted to run across the rock, leap into the air, do a backflip and land on the water with a big splash, the shaky legs and the tears down my face returned. Then I suddenly stood up, pinched my nose, closed my eyes, and jumped - the pendulum had reached its maximum height.

The million hugs, the goodnight kisses, and the constant repetition of the words "I love you" to my parents are slowly becoming memories. As the baby of the family, I have always been responsible for brightening up the mood with my charm. Whether it was the crazy dancing and singing or the simple cloying I always found a way to bring laughter to our family. As high school came along, stress coupled with the desire to be treated like an adult transformed my charm into ignorance and distance - the pendulum had shifted once again.

Now that the pendulum is slowly reaching equilibrium, I am getting closer and closer to moderation. I no longer hide from the world, but try to bring back my lost luminescence and confidence. I no longer let fear dictate my life, but choose to take risks and conquer my fears one by one. Most importantly, I no longer sway away from being a daughter to my parents. My parents sacrificed their lives to bring me to America, and the best I can do is to be a daughter to them and brighten up their exhausted days. I'm satisfied with the moderation that I have reached and the person that I have become. Nevertheless, I'm ready for college to give me one last push and one last ride on the pendulum to another swing, another change, and another challenge.

It's my first time using essay forum...
But please help me. i feel like it might not flow well in some places
thankss!
srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Broadway; Scenic buildings and sidewalks" - UVa Supplement [3]

I really think that this is written really well,
but compared to the place you want to get lost,
it seems like you spent a lot of the 250word limit in describing other places...
and at the end, i'm not really sure if you wanted to get lost in barnes and noble or in a book =/
(just my opinion of course)
but great descriptions!

please read mine as well
srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "taking care of my handicapped brother and sister" - extracurricular activity [4]

aww i'm sorry to hear about your siblings and respect for what you are doing for them

however, I believe that because it is such a short essay, bringing the paragraphs together into one will make it sound less choppy.
also instead of saying firstly, or secondly... pick a transition that helps it flow better...
"not only do I help in the execution of the therapies, but i also help my funraising for..." and so on.

i hope this helped

please read mine as well

thanks!
srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The oath I live by" - Common App Short Answer [2]

good information input for the short essay it is

"wouldn't have traded" i think its okay to just say i wouldn't trade these...
since you still wouldn't trade them now...

good jobb :D

please help with mine too

thanks!
srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA Supp. - "Focused and Lost" [3]

** a favorite place to get lost and why*

Focused. The gears in my head start turning and churning, searching for an answer. I take a quick glance at the others - some look determined, some look hopeless. I stare at the numbers four, seven, eight, nine, and work through all possible arithmetic equations and search for an answer... then suddenly, I slap the card and hastily yet clearly recite my answer, " eight time nine equals seventy-two, seven minus four equals three, seventy-two divided by three equals twenty-four." Victorious! I have advanced to the quarterfinals! Unfortunately, my brain gave up there, and the competition came to an end for me. However, this experience was not put to waste, for it gave me the perfect introduction to a college essay! My participation in the competition for the game of 24 is the perfect example of how I love to lose myself in puzzles. Ever since the age of four, as an advanced minesweeper, I found myself unable to turn away from the challenges of puzzles. Like the comfort that many find in books, I find my escape from reality in puzzles. It draws me in deeper and deeper into its complexity, releasing me from all other thoughts. However, not only do puzzles save me from the dreadful truth of now, but it enhances my practices of patience, perserverance, and focus - characters that I lacked before. And so now, with all the acquired skills, I intend to solve the biggest puzzle of my life - college.

please help!! thanks!
srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "taking care of my handicapped brother and sister" - extracurricular activity [4]

try not to use "most" twice in the beginning sentence if is possible

**just a suggestion** instead of trying to cover the different therapies, focus on one and detail the work, time, and patience involved with the execution of it

but overall a great improvement from the first good job :D

and please take a look at my common app essay :D thanks!
srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / 4th grade + diverse interests: BROWN SUPPLEMENT [4]

1st essay.
maybe if you relate you teacher to the school other than the fact that she was a brown alumni - or create a clear connection of the teacher and brown - maybe like saying brown will be the second Mrs.cutrona (or is it too cheesy haha) but other than that i really like it

and instead of starting with "Story-time Fridays, Lunchtime Bingo and Jeopardy Bowl" which seems a little random maybe start with examples of varied subjects like geography, history, science, even play-writing (just a suggestion)

2nd
From journalism to fashion and traveling to film, my interests are abounding in diversity. Double majoring in English and Modern Culture and Media will allow me to not only amplify my writing voice, but also explore other courses and help me learn more about myself and my wide-range of passions(seems like you are not completely SET on this major then) .

I first discovered my passion for journalism when I interviewed local disabled children for the newspaper as they prepared for an annual Challenge Race. Listening to and being able to share their dreams with the community inspired me to connect people through writing (great examples keep on continuing like this) .

Joining the Brown Daily Herald and WBRU staff and MCM Departmental Undergraduate Group, I plan to sharpen my communication skills and meet fellow students with an affinity for storytelling. Through internships, I will apply my skills to real-world experiences locally and abroad to fulfill my goal of becoming a global communicator. Most of all, by joining the Student Creative Arts Council and interacting with Brownies, I hope to focus my interests in the arts and myriad other areas into one influential career. this part tells what you want to achieve once you are in brown but not focus on why...so if you are over maybe you should take this out and expand more on the why...

**sorry for not responding to third one but i have to write 4more essays tonight~ haha hope this helped and thanks for your input on mine! **


srlee1992   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "my father wants so badly for me to succeed" - Short Common Application Essay [6]

its a great idea but you really need to elaborate on it
and if you go back and read common app
the minimum for its essay is 250

the 150 one is for the activities one.
so please elaborate more and it will become a really solid essay

or wait is this the short answer essay??
if so, then my bad. haha
and if so, i feel like they want to hear how you spend more time outside of school (well thats what i thought)
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