Undergraduate / 'accept the greater challenge' - Review on my Essay for NCSSM [3]

Hello. I just wanted some criticism on my essay for NCSSM, a residential school in North Carolina. Any thoughts are welcome! It's even better if the review is done soon. Thanks!

Prompt: NCSSM is a community to which all members contribute. It is also a community in which all members benefit. Write an essay about yourself, describing the special abilities, skills, and experiences that qualify you for admission. Be sure to describe the contributions you will make to the school and how both the academic and residential experience will enhance your development as a scholar and as a person.

Essay:

Ever since I was in kindergarten, I have always been asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I have pondered that question for a long time. I have been interested in math and science since grade school, but my courses in social studies and foreign language have also been fascinating. In 2003, when I was in the seventh grade, I solved my question. After falling off my skateboard, I broke my wrist and went to the hospital. At the hospital, everyone around me was in need of help. After receiving my cast, I realized that I wanted to help people, just like how I was given help after breaking my wrist. I want to become a doctor. I believe that the courses that NCSSM offers, the challenging academic schedule, and the NCSSM experience in general can help me reach my goal.

NCSSM has some of the most interesting and in-depth classes that I have ever seen. I love biology and I am especially entranced by the biology offerings like Immunology and Molecular Genetics. These courses are not available in my current school and I would very much enjoy experiencing them. The variety of courses enthralls me further. Sports medicine and anatomy and physiology are two courses that are very appealing to me since I want to become a doctor.

Every single one of NCSSM's classes is at least at the Honors level. I have taken mostly Honors level courses in the ninth and tenth grades and I feel that I can do even better. NCSSM is a school that seems to bring out the greatest qualities in students by utilizing its tough standards and can make me work to my potential best. I enjoy being challenged and I believe that NCSSM can really make me grow into a better student.

The NCSSM experience differs vastly from the experience of a normal school. One difference is living on campus. I think that living in an NCSSM dorm can make me more independent and responsible. Living in a dorm can also prepare me for living on a college campus.

The NCSSM handbook states that part of NCSSM's mission statement is to assist in giving back to North Carolina. To me, this is one of the main reasons why NCSSM stands apart from other schools. I would like to help NCSSM on this mission and help give back to my community through service and volunteering. I have done community services before and I would like to continue at NCSSM. In the past, I have done gift wrapping for an animal shelter and I also did a school cleanup of Weatherstone Elementary.

Alongside helping the community, I enjoy being able to assist fellow students as well. If I were a student at NCSSM, I would love to be able to tutor fellow students that need help in their classes. I have tutored at my school's Homework Center, a club that organizes student tutoring. In my freshman year, I tutored peers in Algebra I and I currently tutor in Biology. I also tutor my little brother time to time in sixth grade math.

The motto of NCSSM is "maius opus moveo" which means accept the greater challenge. I want to accept the greater challenge and be a student at NCSSM. By attending NCSSM, I believe that I will be able to take more interesting and challenging classes and experience a new lifestyle. I will definitely grow to be a better scholar, person, and member of the community. NCSSM will take me one step closer to achieving my goals.

(P.S. This isn't a part of my essay, but I should still indent my paragraphs even though I am turning this online, right?)

Undergraduate / "Who Am I?" -- Common App Essay [7]

"Who am I?" I have tried to answer that question my entire life.

Am I still the shy kindergartener that built royal castles out of sand and water, alone in the sandpit? When I entered school, I knew I was different. I did not look like the other kids. I did not speak like the other kids. I picked up on my studies faster than others, and I was reading books far above the level of a normal kindergartener within six months of elementary school. I feared rejection by my classmates, wishing to be among them, to be like them; but only keeping close company with those I believed were my true friends: Judy Blume, Roald Dahl, and Jerri Spinelli. I was the shy reader, and the introvert was me.

Am I still the confused fourth grader that looked in disdain at the essay prompt laid out in front of me? I stared and stared at the lined paper in front of me, grabbing at nonexistent words and plots. I felt the bead of sweat crawl down my face in the humid trailer that was supposed to be a classroom as the worst case of writer's block pervaded my small mind. "I'll never be a writer!" I thought to myself in anguish and buried my head under my arms. I was the anguished writer, and the anguished writer was me.

Am I still the nervous sixth grader that sat alongside three others in the county finals of the Battle-of-the-Books tournament? "Stone Fox or The Outsiders?" asks the team captain as we struggle to remember the book where a boy finds a piece of coal in his Christmas stockings. After narrowing down the choices, our team was deliberating between the answer that would win us the championship and have our names carved in the small, plastic trophy in eternal glory or condemn us to the horrendous predicament known as "second place." Five seconds, four seconds, three seconds... I whisper into the ear of the team speaker, "Freak the Mighty by Rodman Philbrick." Rapidly, the captain regurgitates the answer. A hush falls in the small gym. "Correct!" cries the announcer, and my team bursts into hugs and tears. I smiled. I was a champion, and a champion was me.

Am I still the dissenting freshman in my Honors English class that defended the merits of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens against a sea of angry protestors? I cited the plot and characters as one of the greatest of all time. My furious classmates ridiculed Charles Dickens, foregoing the difficult diction for Sparknotes, skipping the amazing rising action in order to meet a due date, and cursing his name in vain. However, I knew Pip, the boy who dreamed of romance and riches, better than anyone else could. I was Pip, and Pip was me.

Am I still the hopeful junior waiting impatiently in homeroom as the teacher passes out the results of the PSAT at an agonizingly slow pace? Finally, she reached the "S" scores. I almost grab the folder from her outstretched hand and tear open in the folder in a frenzy. "YES!" I cry eyeing the 232 in the top corner, and the 79 in the reading section. A classmate craned over my shoulder and glanced at the large number. "Man, I wish I was you!" I am glad I am me.

I have just begun to realize who I am. I am the sum of my experiences, my genes, my personality. I am a bibliophile, a writer, a champion, a critic, a student, and a bildungsroman all in one. I am starting to understand that I am unique in my own way. There is no other way to put it; I am [Name Omitted].

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This essay had no specific instructions, and I basically chose the topic since it was "Topic of Your Choice."

Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- "My Grandfather" (Topic of Your Choice) [3]

"Your grandfather passed away today."

There was a certain numbness that overcame me when I heard those words. My father's serious face peered at me with sorrow and solace as I began to grasp the true meaning of that sentence. "Oh." I mumbled incoherently. I turned around and went back into my room without betraying my true feelings. My grandfather was dead. No more cheek pinching every time I went to Bangladesh. No more asking "what do you want to eat when you get here?" No more walks through the neighborhood. No more.

My grandfather, or "nanabhai" as I called him, and I were perhaps the most different of people. I grew up in Raleigh, North Carolina until my parents decided to move when I was eight years old to an entirely different area: Cary, North Carolina. My grandfather grew up in Sylhet, Bangladesh. I grew up in a world of cars, luxuries, and wealth. My grandfather grew up in a world of cycle rickshaws, picturesque rolling hills, and poverty. My grandfather's life is one of the most interesting I have ever heard. He was the younger of two brothers. He graduated in Civil Engineering in an era where college was an idealistic dream. He married early and had a daughter, my mother, and two sons. He hunted full-grown Asian elephants in the jungles of Bangladesh before the terms "endangered" or "protected" ever arose in the mainstream media. He owned a factory and was president of the Lion's Club, starting a tradition of community service in the Saleh family. He enjoyed life's simple pleasures: family, friends, and food. Once, his car flipped over in an accident while he was holding on to the roof out of the window and two fingers on his right hand were cleanly chopped off. Yet, I can never imagine him displaying pain. While driving at night, he once came upon a tiger lying right on the middle of the road. Yet, I can never imagine him displaying fear. Even in the most difficult moments, he had the ability to smile and appear as if everything was going to be alright.

Still, my grandfather and I never could bond in a way my mother or my two uncles could. It was probably the huge diversity gap between us. How could two people so different relate in any way? But my grandfather never ceased to surprise me. One day, I came home, and he was watching television in his usual manner. He greeted me like usual but his eyes fell on the book I was holding: Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. Hesitantly, he asked me what it was. I showed it to him, and he immediately began reading. This astounded me. At times, I was not even sure if he could coherently read English. Nevertheless, he started and finished the first Harry Potter book. Then, he read the second. And the third, fourth, and fifth. It was the most interesting sight; an elderly Bangladeshi man of five times my age eagerly reading the exploits of a teenage wizard. Through our conversations on muggles, dragons, and quidditch, we connected. One of my greatest regrets has been that my grandfather was never able to finish the series. He was never able to see Harry triumph over Voldemort, and whenever I reopen the pages of Goblet of Fire or Chamber of Secrets, the first person that comes into my head is my grandfather.

I do not believe its true that when someone passes away, his life flashes before his eyes. Seeing one's entire saga, from start to finish, would be meaningless to one that cannot recount the tale. I think the "flashes of life" of a lost father, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend, a sister, a spouse is seen by those that hear the news. I saw my grandfather, Abul K. Saleh, and his legacy after I was told of his passing. I know that one day I want my family to remember me as even half the person my grandfather was. Maybe when my grandchildren open up a book with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, they will think of me too.

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The essay had no specific topic or limit. I think the conclusion could be a bit better, but tips/edits on any part would be greatly appreciated!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- "A New Experience" (Topic of Your Choice) [3]

I stand in the middle of a swamp filled with poisonous snakes, snapping turtles, and insects the size of a finger, armed with only waterlogged brown trousers, a seine net, and one rubber boot. I thrust forward into the black muck with my unarmored foot, only to have it swallowed up by nearly a foot of mud and slime. I jam the end of the seine net into the mud for balance and hesitatingly glance back at the brown-colored surface for any trace of my other rubber boot, but it was hopeless. Sighing, I try to lift my other leg but the ground itself seems to resist letting go of its newly acquired possession. I try to swing my leg out, only to lurch forward. I let go of the net and flail my arms in an attempt to backpedal, but the quicksand-like mud grabs hold of my feet again and I topple into the grime, falling into disgusting goo. It was the seventh time in the last hour that I fell into the wetlands behind my school. And only one thought pervades my mind: This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Advanced Placement Environmental Science, or APES as the acronym goes, stands alone for me from the normal humdrum classes of high school. From the description on the course catalog, I expected a class that would try to convince me to throw away all my light bulbs for fluorescent versions, protest for the rights of trees everywhere, and join Greenpeace. Instead, I found myself planning cities, cleaning tiger cages, and even trying to figure out the best method to filter polluted drinking water. I learned that cities are not as eco-hostile as previously imagined, for they have high population densities, often successfully utilize mass transit, and have a higher average quality of life. I learned every animal has its own niche in an ecosystem to the point where different birds habituate different places of the same tree because they are the best evolved for it. And, I learned that I love ecology.

I eventually competed in the ecology event in Science Olympiad after my newfound affinity for the subject. I placed third at the state competition, one of two medals that my school won that year at the state level. I also ended up writing three important papers for the class. For one I devised an experiment to test the effect of pH on the growth rate of a wetland fish. On another, I measured the effect of temperature on biodiversity in a wetland using real data from previous years of APES classes. It was my first forays into writing as a scientist, and it was the first time I proudly turned in a formal research paper on a subject which I was enthusiastic.

Of course, there were times where I had to push myself like when I had to read about the negatives of growing fish on a farm as opposed to the ocean at three in the morning. Yet, those moments become gray and forgettable next to all the amazing ones. And, I learned more from APES than all my science courses beforehand. Now, I know that I want to be an ecological biologist, working out on the field. I know I want to help find alternative forms of energy, so the world can become less reliant on harmful fossil fuels. And, I know I should probably get around to installing my new fluorescent light bulbs.

I gasp for breath on the shore of the wetland as I unravel my net for its treasures. I find tadpoles, hermit crabs, and bluegill, all flipping and twisting in protest. I record my findings and gently place the creatures back into the wetland's murky depths. In that small marsh, I found a baby snapping turtle, angrily trying to bite me even though it fit in the palm of my hand. In that harsh bog, I found a beaver, making a dam and creating a home for the winter ahead. In that muddy quagmire, I saw the tiniest frog, trying to remain hidden on a blade of grass. And, in that small marsh, I found a world and all of its joys.

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This was the "topic of your choice" option from the Common Application. Any edits, comments, or tips would be greatly appreciated!

Undergraduate / MIT Essay -- "I am a physics anomaly." [4]

Topic: Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (500 Word Limit)

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I am a physics anomaly. A single event resulting from the discarding of fundamental principles which govern this universe. Space shifted as two worlds merged into one tangible object. What was the final product of this crunch of the space-time continuum? Me.

I am the product of two entirely different communities: Bangladesh and America. My parents, unaware of the mathematical phenomenom they would create, were both born in Bangladesh. They grew up in a nation considered one of the most poorest in the world. My father was the youngest of ten siblings, and they relied on themselves after my grandfather died when my father was only eight years old. While my father was more of the adventurous, troublemaking sort, my mother was a gifted student. She was the top ranked female in the country on her matriculation exams and entered an engineering college. Both my parents were instilled with traditional Bengali ideals in their childhood. These same values of hard work, frugality, and respect were in turn instilled into me as I grew up.

Yet, my childhood did not take place in the impoverished streets of Dhaka. I was born on the other side of the planet, Raleigh, North Carolina. It is no doubt an unlikely location for a scientific juxtaposition of unlike entities. Rustic North Carolina was the opposite of Bangladesh. North Carolina is a laid-back, live-by-the-day, sit-in-a-rocking-chair-on-my-porch, kind of place. I went to public schools, nothing special. I fit in where I could and found my own place in the Tar Heel State. My motherland is Bangladesh, but my home is in North Carolina.

The cataclysmic clash was inevitable, and the battle lines were drawn.. My existence was the volatile synthesis of two different lifestyles. I spoke Bangla at home and English at school. I ate barbeque sandwiches and tater tots for lunch and "Daal aar Bhath" (Rice and Lentils) for dinner. I celebrated Eid-al-Fitr while Christmas lights shined across the street. In essence, I lived the best parts of both worlds but belonged entirely to neither; I was a hybrid, not entirely American nor Bangladeshi.

From my experiences as an amalgam, I have a unique third perspective. I have seen the importance of moderation and of having fun. I know perserverance is vital, but sometimes one needs to step back and take a deep breath. And from my ordeals, I have gained new ambitions. I want to go beyond my background's standards and create my own future. I want to exceed the expectations others have of me, whether those others are my Bangladeshi family or my American peers. I want to pursue my own interest, Biology, in a place where I know new ideas are created, where people are constantly breaking down old notions of science, and where even the anomalies are accepted. A place like MIT.

Bangladesh and America are two different places. They are two separate communities with separate ideals and ways of life. Yet, undeniably, I am the living embodiment of their fusion.

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I mainly need people to check for grammer mistakes, but I would also appreciate general comments on the essay. I believe the word count was 496 when I last checked, so it's right under the limit. Thank you in advance!

Student Talk / Which Essay Should I Use For My Harvard Supplement? [3]

I currently have three possible essays I could use, but I don't know which one is better? Could someone pick which they think is the best? There is no specific topic or prompt for the needed essay. Thanks in advance!

Check my profile to look up the essays: