Writing Feedback / Impact of technology on how people interact with each other [6]

I'm worried about my writing skills very much. I would be appreciate it if you can leave your sincere comments and advices for revision. How much band can I get?

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?

In the 21st century, technology, the main driving force behind the productivity, has played a pivotal role in transforming the ways in which we interact. Thus, a spirited debate has risen whether technological development is a blessing or a curse to people's relationships. In my opinion, advanced technology provides more negative developments, regardless of some recognized benefits.

It cannot be denied that technology has influenced our ability to interact in many ways. In term of time and space, innovative inventions, such as mobile phone, bring great efficiency and convenience, gradually eliminating the restrictions of communication with others. Specifically, no matter where the individuals may live and what they do, we can chat to them and exchange ideas with them by making a phone call, which is really quick and easy. More importantly, with access to the Internet, we can experience new forms of relationship: online chatting and Internet social network. Unlike the face-to-face relationship, online relationship takes shorter time and fewer conditions to establish. Instead of knowing each other very well, including how he looks and where he lives, sharing the similar ideas well and seemingly suitable personality are rather the key factors.

Of course, it is beneficial for technology to make communications efficient and easy. However, inevitably, some problems follow after those benefits. With such advanced technology, people tend to spend more time staying at home and sitting in front of computer screen rather than going out to visit friends. As a result, fewer 'true' talks and visits render the relationship fake and full of uncertainties, exisisting potential cheats and crimes, which will be detrimental to the social safety and security. For instance, some dishonest persons may make use of online chatting to gain your trust and then commit cheating on your money and property.

In conclusion, the-state-of-art technology is a two-edged sword, which brings both positive and negative developments of relationships, while such negative ones outweighs the opposite ones. Therefore, it is yet a long way for us to control changing relationships and communications in our daily life.

Graduate / Language proficiency for the application (MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis) [5]

The requirement is overall score 7.0, with each band 6.0 or more than 6.0. I have taken the twice, unfortunately I got overall 6.5 again, and there is not enough time for to take the third one. I want to make an argument for an unconditional offer.

I'm writing this mail to honestly ask for your help on the condition of my offer to MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. My name is Jie Zhang and my Applicant ID is *******.

I have received your conditional offer and I greatly appreciate the chance you gave me for MSc in Marketing and Business Analysis. I have received several offers since several months ago, but actually, I consider you as my first choice. I have been dreaming of studying in your top business school for a long time.

As is required, I took my IELTS for the second time in June 4th, with Listening 7, Reading 7, Writing 6.5, Speaking 6. As can be seen, each band is qualified, but unfortunately, with only 0.5 less in one individual band, the overall score was still 6.5. I'm not satisfied with my performance in the test that day, during which my performance was impaired by bad physical conditions, because my reading ability is competitive enough to get 7.5 or above, as my GMAT score is 710, in which the reading sections are more complex. What's more, I attended to UCLA summer schools in US in 2008, and gain a good command of English to cope with the overseas study well.

Unlike the majority of the applicants, at present, I work as a marketing manager assistant in a start-up company, which is specialized in Career Training and Consulting. As a result, I earn rich working experience with regard to marketing, and become a fan of 'the word of mouth' marketing, because of the good effect of the promotion on our product through the network, such as micro blogging and Group-buying. To be frank, I have a clearer sense of my career trajectory: after graduating from your program, I will come back to my original start-up company and make full use of expertise to make some marketing research and promotions for the new products.

As it is June now, the volume of work is increasing, and it seems to be not cost-effective and efficient to take another test for the more 0.5. Ideally, I hope to apply the pre-sessional English course. But in reality, I was told there no spare place for those courses. The problem here is, before the pro-sessional English course, I have no chance to prove my English ability in another IELTS, rendering me in such paradox.

I completely respect and understand that you have a strict standard of admission. But such is the tough situation I am in, I really don't want to miss the chance of studying in your school. I would appreciate it if you could reconsider my conditional requirement. I believe my performance in the graduate course will prove your choice correct.

Thank you very much and I apologize for any inconveniences I might have caused.

Yours sincerely,
Jie Zhang

Writing Feedback / (new recovery drink) one part of my essay: conclusion and remmendation [3]

4. Conclusion and recommendation
4.1 The new recovery drink gains a high recognition from different gender and different ages, in terms of effectiveness and flavour.
In general, about 88% runners found the drink were very or even extremely effective (chart 1), and 70% of testers liked or even loved the flavours they preferred (chart 3). As effectiveness and taste rating are justified to be positively related to the likelihood of buying new recovery drinks, it is really good news for the Product Research and Development Personnel.

More important, these can be the main competitive advantages for promotions. For instance, advertisements should emphasize on the effectiveness and lemon flavour. Also, because of the superior effectiveness, some gyms can be chosen for the cooperation channel and the coaches can recommend our recovery drink to people take exercise there. What's more, some scientific data can be published on the related website, and it will help gain more attention and faith about this product.

4.2 While different gender and age group have different flavour preference, lemon flavour enjoyed the most popularity among all the people.
Almost half of sample chose lemon flavour as the favourite one, and other two are chosen differently among age group and gender. Therefore, to position more easily and attract more consumers, lemon flavour can be chosen as the first flavour for new-product development.

4.3 When it comes to pricing, the expected prices were various among different people.
As these were only from the consumers' views, it could not tell everything about pricing. Pricing should combine the central tendency and further researches of competitive brands in the market.

4.4 Compared with current used sports drink, people tend to buy our new product, and a more detailed analysis is required to do the product positioning.

In the sample survey, 88% of testers want to buy the new product often or even most of time. As can be seen from chart 5, the current used sports drink choices turn out an unbiased distribution, which revealed that every brand has its position and main advantage to different gender and age group (Appendix, Table 7 and Table 8).

Moreover, packaging is another important factor among sports drink products, besides effectiveness and taste. In a nutshell, more analysis should be done about the sports drink market to make right decisions.

-------------------------------------------------
Hope to gain some help to improve my writing skills. Thanks!