Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: Should children play or study? [6]

Hi everyone, this is my first time to write an essay after so many years. I'm practicing how to write a writing task 2 for IELTS exam. In my essay, I only used simple words to prevent unnecessary mistakes. I would really appreciate any comments, suggestions or corrections for this.

The Task Description goes like this:

Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which do you agree with? Why?

play instead of study

Education, like air, food and shelter is really essential to every individual. It builds and molds a person's being. People tend to spend more time at school than at home. Basically, going to school should be the top priority of every parents for their children. However, I believe that children should also have their quality time on play grounds because children only get to be young once in a lifetime.

Making peers is just one of the reasons why kids should spend their time playing. When a kid goes to a playground, he meets other kids with the same interests and that starts a new relationship called friendship wherein when in school, he only call his peers as "classmates". In every perspective, I think that friends are better than the latter.

Another reason is that playing helps create camaraderie. If a child can follow orders from a leader or be a leader himself without having conflicts with others, he tends to do it until he grows old. Learning how to mingle with other people and make a trusting relationship will help a child in a big way in his adulthood.

Lastly, going to a playground to play even for just a couple of hours makes a child become physically fit. As we all know, child's play involves running, jumping, leaping, walking, passing through holes, climbing, some screaming and a lot of laughing. These activities help a child build stronger muscles and bones by being active and also prevent him from obesity.

Therefore, I strongly believe that children should go and play rather than going to school to study at such a very young age. Every child has the right to enjoy his youth and make the most out of it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should teachers be paid according to the quality of their teaching? [6]

Hi everyone. Here's another sample essay for writing task 2 for IELTS. It just so happened that I picked another topic about education again. Please give me some advice, corrections and feedback. Any comments will be appreciated. Thanks!

Task Description: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Education is one of the foundations of an individual's personality and credibility. And teaching the students everything they need to know about anything is just one of the major responsibilities of a teacher. But we must admit that some teachers are not good enough to do that. That is why I affirm that teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn from them.

Some teachers are just not that good at teaching. I remember when I was in my third year in college, I had a professor who teaches so bad. She just reads her lectures and it was really rare for her to answer our questions without reading the text book. That type of teaching doesn't really help students to learn. There's also this another professor who only asks us to pay for something so that we don't have to attend to her classes anymore. Because of this, some students lose their eagerness and motivation to learn because they know they can pass even without studying if they just pay. Students, in nature, get really lazy sometimes and they might think that those methods of teaching are better for them. Somehow it can be better because they can focus more on subjects that are more difficult. But the fact that they paid to be educated is being neglected. These kinds of teachers should not be paid with the same amount of salary as those who really teach good because that's just so unfair.

Therefore, really believe that it is just right to pay the teachers according to the quality of education that they give to students.

Writing Feedback / "a survey of children's activities" - IELTS writing task 1 sample: Pie Graph [9]

Hi everyone! Please give me some advice and feedback about this essay. I made this to practice for the IELTS exam. This is a sample of writing task 1.

Task Description: The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

Write a report describing the information shown in the two pie graphs. Write at least 150 words. (The graphs are found at the end of my essay)

Here's my answer:

The pie graph presents the outcome of a statistical survey about the cultural and leisure activities of boys and girls.

Most boys prefer playing computer games for their enjoyment. Following that is the more physical game of basketball and soccer. Skateboarding comes fourth followed by a more relaxing and laid-back activity which is listening to music; therefore, making reading as their last option.

On the other hand, girls choose dancing as their top activity, while reading, comes second. Computer games are also included in girl's preferences but it is only the third option. Netball, which requires good physical attributes is their fourth choice, while gymnastics, which requires flexibility is second to the last. Listening to music is least likely to be the girls past time.

Adding to that are some activities which are common to both sexes. First is the computer games which is the top preference of the boys, while, less that one fifth of the girls respondents are doing it. Second is reading which is the second to the top choice of girls and the last for the boys. Last is listening to music which comprises of the same number of the population of respondents of both boys and girls.

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