Undergraduate / "If at first you don't suceed..." Yale Supplement [5]

Excellent essay, just needs a few wording changes

"If at first you don't succeed..." I prompted Jamie. The blonde 9 year old looked at his tennis racket and then down at the floor. Dribbling the green ball with his malformed right arm, he suddenly looked up. "Get new batteries!" he exclaimed, gleaming with pride. "It works for everything!"

What I was attempting (and clearly failing) to do was to teach Jamie a lesson in resilience. Missing his overheads for the past 5 feeds, Jamie refused to go on. And I, being his coach for the outreach tennis program, kept coaxing him to try once more. However, my stab at wisdom evidently surrendered to Jamie's practical reasoning . "And so it does, and so it does...But since your racket doesn't have batteries in it, I guess we need to do it the old fashioned way! Come on, Jamie, one more try. You'll get it this time!" I cheerfully encouraged. After demonstrating the correct way to hit that pesky overhead, I fed him one last ball. And sure enough, he nailed it.

It's bizarre being a seventeen-year-old educator. On one hand, I'm very much a kid myself-hitting the snooze button no less than 3 times most mornings , having many almost- late moments to class, dressing up for the midnight premier of Harry Potter 7... Yet oO n the other, I'm a tennis coach for disabled kids, a tutor for K-8th graders in math and reading, and anteacherinstructor for my piano students. I'm just an average sleep-deprived high school-er to the world, but a role model and leader to my kidspupils . I continually find myself alternating between feeling far younger and far older than I actually am, and strikingly, although I learn a great deal as a student, it's the times that I'm instructing that I gain the most knowledge.

Often times when I'm demonstrating how to divide correctly with candy pieces, my kids exclaim "Wow! How did you do that?" Often times when new piano students see the inside strings of my piano, they question, "Why are there wires there? Is it to pluck them like a rubber band-so they go doiiinnnggg?" I chuckle, amused that they notice such detail, and move on. But I've realized that these 'off the wall' comments meanrepresent far more than just the peculiar words of children. They representstand for ideas often forgotten or lost bylost to 'adults'-ideas like simplicity and optimism, inquisitiveness and innocence. They provide the window to see inside children's unique societies, their views of the world, the psychology of their minds. Observing them, I've noticed an amusing age hierarchy, where a six often sulks butand defers a wanted toy to a seven. I've perceived the aloofness kids give toward 'scary adults', then discard it when withamong others their age. And the fact that many of these odd behaviors transcend into adulthood, just under the guise of politeness and formality? Truly fascinating.

When I had set out to teach, I expected to do just that, teach. Yet the teaching became two-way as I learned as much from my kids as they did from me. With their odd anecdotes, petty fights, unusual observations , and spontaneous verbosity, my teachthey taught me how to understand the world the world better, remind me that I'm getting old, and enlighten me of the simplenesson the simplicity of life. Of the bright optimism of the future, of the inherent curiosity we have, of appreciating today--and most importantly-- of striving for the good in the world. For, when asked what you want to be when you're growing up, who doesn't reply, "I want to be a cake when I get older. Then people will enjoy me and smile when they eat me!"

Undergraduate / Cross country: dedication, teamwork, and leadership - common app short answer [2]

It is a decent short essay. I am assuming you're using it to further explain one of your extracurriculars. I would just add something like "I could feel the unity in the air" before the start of the second to last sentence.

Undergraduate / "Sounds of Happiness" Common App Essay [5]

An old Yamaha with yellow agedyellowed ivory keys and a battle-scarred surface occupied the harshly lit room. On top of the piano, sat a green drooping plant surrounded by rippledwatermarkswater stains . The door squeaked as it openedto allow, allowing a trickle of wheelchairs and walkers to roll in over the faux marble floor . This was the "Sounds of Sophia" on a Sunday afternoon at Broadview Nursing home. Like the many Sunday afternoons for the past four years, I was the conductor and pianist in my own piano show for the residents.

I sat down at the piano and pressed the middle C to see if they fixed itit was fixed from last time, while the residents turned their hearing aids on and adjusted their oxygen valves. They requested "Fur Elise" again. Its melody reminded them of mothers in pearl necklaces and Thanksgiving gatherings around the old upright. As I began playing,and I heard some residents shift in their seats to get more comfortable. I missed several notes but no one protested; the residents just nodded their heads as if they were listening to a symphony. (say something about the residents seeming to go to somewhere far off)

As the coda of "Fur Elise" rolled around, weeveryone returned to our disinfected room, vinyl chairs and battered baby grand. However, I noticed something different in the small, clustered room. One resident discreetly straightened his wrinkled shirt and glanced over at two women who were comparing bingo earnings. Another resident suddenly demanded a snack, cajoling others around him into smiles. Despite the arthritis, the hearing aids, and the missed notes' I saw a spark of happiness that Sunday afternoon.

I am far from the best pianist in the world, but this is my stage, this is my Carnegie Hall. When I play for those senior residents, we escape from the monotony of daily life to a Steinway on a softly lit concert stage, to happier memories. By usingI usedthemy musical ability I possessed to make a difference, I was not composing a masterpiece, nor was I making a scientific breakthrough, but I was brightening the day for a few senior citizens . This is not like composing a masterpiece nor like making a scientific breakthrough, but for these senior citizens, its impact is just as great. I realized that service is not only the large and award winning events, but also, perhaps to a larger degree, the small everyday moments when one ordinary person can lighten another's day. I fully understood this sense of service as I hugged that wonderful audience goodbye, for we had created something special -a happy, well-lighted place in their day.

I will carry this love of service into college to both inspire and to center myself in the new and challenging world. However, I will always remember the experiences on those Sunday afternoons and the purpose of all my learning - to create happy, well-lighted places.

Overall, a well written essay with an excellent topic. My biggest suggestion would be to use less adjectives and adverbs. Use strong verbs instead. Remember, strong essays "show" and weak essays "tell".

Undergraduate / Common App-"Fast Food Worker" -Elaborate on Extracurriculars- [4]

Excellent essay. My only advice would be to cut out some adjectives. Remember to "show, not tell", and this should help shorten it a bit.

Undergraduate / model airplanes: Cornell Engineering [3]

Anybody have any more feedback? The only reply I got came from a user who was suspended, and looking at his history, I assume it was for providing meaningless answers. What about the first paragraph? Is it really necessary and would I lose anything if I cut most of it out and combined it with the second? I am using this essay as a template for several of the other essays for other schools I am applying to, so I really must make sure it is the best it can be.

Undergraduate / 'Desire to seek and embrace challenge' Letter to your roommate (Stanford Supplement) [2]

This is an excellent and very creative approach, introducing yourself through your belongings. However, I would make the letter more cohesive (maybe by using words like "first, second, last" to start paragraphs) and make sure that you actually use these items to tell about yourself. The blanket and sand are very good items to use, but I would change the ipod to something that is more personal, maybe something that is related to a personal hobby or something. Overall, just make sure that you use the items as a jumping point to introduce traits such as your hospitality, respectfulness, inquisitiveness, etc

Undergraduate / 'to embrace the good things' - Tulane Personal Statement: Why Tulane. [2]

Excellent essay, not much I can do to make it better. However, I would add some more specific details about the college. Mention specific departments you're interested in, specific resources Tulane has, etc. Colleges like it when you know a lot about them. Show them how much you know. Also, I would change the last sentence to "I'm positive Tulane can provide that education."

Undergraduate / The Importance of Uncertainty: Common App essay [8]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I went back and edited it, and added a specific personal example. Here is the new version:

A little uncertainty can be a good thing and it's ok to be wrong sometimes. In fact, the benefit of uncertainty is probably the most important thing I learned in high school, and I learned it in my sophomore science class.

All my life, science had been a breeze. It wasn't until my sophomore year that I was truly challenged. Elements and ions were Greek to me; for the first time, there was something I didn't immediately understand. At the end of the year, I received a grade of 89.4-my first B ever. I was devastated. The rest of my high school years weren't any easier, but I consider chemistry the lowest point of my educational career-and the best class I've ever taken. It taught me humility. Many times, while discussing chemistry, I have suspected others of being wrong, but I was not certain enough of my own abilities to contradict them. This experience bred in me a certain hesitation, forcing me to always listen with an open mind.

In chemistry, we learned that cold is not a physical state. We can feel it, but that does not make "coldness" real. Cold is simply a relative term, describing how much heat something has compared to something else. Right and wrong are similarly related. Being right is like being cold. The absence of any evidence of being wrong does not make somebody right, even though the state of being right seems as real as the state of being cold. It all depends on one's perspective. Keeping this in mind, I try to not be excessively certain of myself. What all overly assured people fail to see is that issues frequently have multiple sides. Just like a hologram that changes when viewed from different angles, what is right frequently changes depending on the perspective from which one views the issue. Knowing this, I have learned to evaluate issues from several different perspectives. To me, having an open mind is more important than being right. Discovering that I'm wrong is one of the best self-improvement tricks I know. We, as humans, learn from our mistakes. Uncertainty lets the truth emerge, and that's why I believe in it-but I could be wrong.

Any feedback?