Undergraduate / The young girl I used to be: What contributed to your personal / Academic Development [2]

Hi :)

First off, as I read the essay I definitely got the point of your essay. There were moments that your emotions spoke through your words and overall, it was a good essay. But on the technical side, it needs more fluidity and concrete paragraph/ideas. Some of the ideas seem all over the place. Perhaps you should take the first paragraph to focus on the memory of that girl, the second and third to focus on the factors that facilitated your mental development (role model, more responsibilities, trials---"trials and tribulations" seem cliche. I'd use one or the other), and the last one/two to tell us how you overcame (moving/excelling at a more challenging school). Try to arrange your essay in some type of order. It seemed loosely chronological. You can definitely stick with that order but solidify it.

Also, take time to explain what "coach class" is. Don't assume that the reader will always draw from context clues. Try to relate your points as if you're writing and not talking. It's really easy to get into the habit of writing the way we speak.

At 17 years of age I can still remember the young girl I used to be . Suggestion: "At 17, the memory of the girl I used to be is still fresh in my mind." (I like how you described her,giving the audience a mental picture.

No longer could my mother pick me up and dust me off when I fell down, it was time for me to take accountability. Suggestion: (Watch your order of words/diction) "I'd reached the age of accountability and it was now my responsibility to dust myself off when I fell down."

This paragraph carries importance because you've placed importance on it and as a reader I'd like to see that somewhere in the beginning. In can be incorporated with the first paragraphs in the context of "home-life/environment".

My environment held the biggest influence on me. Well known for her kindness, wisdom, and optimistic attitude, my mother is the perfect role model of a hard worker, and she expects nothing less from her daughters. "Hard work never goes without notice" she says. So I push myself to reach my goals with determination and persistence. She brings an aura of positivity around that holds confidence, self truth and Happiness, all qualities she has instilled in me.

Also in my school there I am surrounded by a family oriented staff.

There are a few sentences like this one (below) that are too wordy. It confuses the reader and not all readers might care enough to reread. Important thoughts might be overlooked.

"Students that are eager to learn as I am know without a doubt in their minds they are going to be successful in life if it is the last thing they do."

As eager as you might be to tell everyone about the things that made you into the young woman you are now, not ever experience needs to be spoken of. Try to be precise and intentional in your writing.

"When you have peers that encourage you to do better, you want to do better. Also, our teachers actually provided an incentive and enjoyable style of learning. When we were reading Lord of the flies, we acted out court trial to provide the different point of views on the novel. So it was easier to write a report knowing there were other points to be valued."

"These just small examples have contributed greatly to my development into a young woman." Suggestion: Sometimes you don't have to state the obvious. If deleting a sentence doesn't take away from your overall work, you can definitely try to see how it sounds without it. Also read your essay out loud. You might catch things that you wouldn't of otherwise.

I've learned to expect more of myself. Accepting my short falls and change them into ambitious projects. My priorities and morals have changed since I was younger. Welcoming independence and difficult puzzles Although the Importance of education will always remain first.

Your closing statement/paragraph should be strong and concluding. Take another look to see if yours is as strong as it could be.

Take a look at mine!!

Essays / Studying for a degree in graphic design - I've never wrote a 3000 word Essay before [3]

Hi :)

It isn't hard at all :). Start off with a topic that you're passionate about. This makes doing research, which is usually the hardest part, easier and more enjoyable. Once you have a topic, find three subtopics. You ultimately conclude with a summary of all that you've learned. I always say write with contradiction: Your paper needs to be fluid and yet concrete int he way you organize your thoughts. Readers want facts and not necessarily your opinion. That also gives your writing credibility. Good Luck!!

Graduate / 'each student is given foundational knowledge' - Admissions for MPH Program [4]

Thank you so much for the advice. I never thought of that and I will definitely change it up and upload the revised one. Thank you!!!

Graduate / 'each student is given foundational knowledge' - Admissions for MPH Program [4]

REVISED GRADUATE ADMISSION SOP

PROMPT: A one page, double-spaced statement explaining you educational and career goals and how they pertain to the master's in Public Health program.

The first time I spoke about health in a public forum was during a two-week speaking engagement in the Philippines. It was on that night that I realized how in love I am with health and humanity. The decision, however, to study Public Health was not love at first sight, like how I hoped my future career choice would be. Nevertheless, a smoldering passion ignited. Like most epic relationships, it started as an unconscious camaraderie. I see in Public Health the personalization of a global responsibility. As multi-faceted as this field is, it was this factor that cemented my decision to become a Public Health professional with an emphasis on health education. I aspire to work with community-based organizations and schools to establish long-lasting and far-reaching ideals in the minds of men, women, and children that are aimed at prevention and maintenance of health on every level. I am in love with ministering to the holistic needs of communities and the individuals that provide culture and life to them.

Prior to traveling to the Philippines, I had already taken the first step towards realizing my potential by changing my major to one that was better suited to my professional goals. My trip to the Philippines caused me to step back and reevaluate the opportunities that I was given, the effort I'd been putting forth, and solidified the capacity in which I wanted to serve humanity. Before I could educate others about this newfound passion, I first had to be fully convicted and as a result implemented the basic health principles that I was studying. I've been afforded the privilege to speak to groups of adults and children about the need to live healthily and I can now draw from personal experience. Because Public Health touches every aspect of life, I started a year-long workshop with my peers for undergraduate freshmen that focused on sexual integrity and how to maximize their roles as young men and women making a difference in their communities. I've also worked on projects that allowed me to put into practice the theories I learned from introductory Public Health courses such as collecting population samples, evaluating implementations, and researching and developing solutions to major public health issues like adolescent pregnancy.

Florida State University's Master of Public Health program carries a special appeal in that each student is given foundational knowledge and then equipped with tools to that enable them to create a concentration that solidifies the capacity that they endeavor to serve in. Words cannot describe how grateful I would be for the opportunity to be a part of this program and for a chance to prove myself on a graduate level.

Graduate / 'personal characteristics and motivating factors' - physical therapy essay [3]

Hi =)

Your essay is very convincing and I can definitely see that there is a passion for your field of choice. With that being said, if you work on reorganizing your thoughts so that they are more fluid I think it has the potential to be stronger. For instance:

-i'd start off with the experience that led you to even consider physical therapy and the love you had for "exercise, sports, and any type of physical activity" Not only does that set the reader up for what's to come but it's the driving force or main "motivating factor"

- try to look at your diction and word order. Words like "aspects" although they fit might not necessarily be the best choice

"There are many aspects that contribute to my perseverance in the profession of physical therapy. Some of these aspects emerge from my personal characteristics such as diligence, attentiveness, and adaptability."

you can try:

"I have always been diligent, attentive, and capable of adapting to varying circumstances. These personality traits have helped me to realize my goal of becoming a physical therapist.

Other motivating factors like your college experience can be the springboard for the characteristics that you developed or the stage to introduce other characteristics or how the previously mentioned ones were strengthened.

"While in college, i genuinely enjoyed learning new things and expanding my mind. I was attentive and observant of the material that was handed my way because i knew the path would eventually lead to my final destination. My undergraduate studies really helped me focus on the challenges i would face reaching my goal and ultimately confirmed my desire to continue my journey."

Other aspects (Suggestion: "factors") that contribute to my perseverance (Suggestion: Maybe you can consider using a different word here. Perseverance isn't the best choice. perhaps "desire" or similar words that carry that idea) to be a physical therapist are motivating factors like my volunteer work and my passion to have a career i know i will love.

Make sure your final paragraph summarizes and strengthens all that you've said. It's the last thing they'll read. Remember consider word choice and order, try not write how you talk (try reading the original out loud and then the revised out loud. It helps you see things that you see simple mistakes that you might have missed before.)

Good Luck!!