Posts by deepa21

deepa21

Nov 8, 2011

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hi Everyone

I'm from India. I joined this forum to improve my writing skill, I am studying for my Tofel that is in next month. I am not very good in Essay as English is not my first language. I would like to get some tips from all of you.

Will be posting few of my essay soon looking forward for feedback from all.

Thanks
Deepali

deepa21

Nov 15, 2011

Writing Feedback / The collage years are best time in personal life - Agree/ disagree [4]

Going to collage is a great experience . The feeling that we are grown up now makes feel proud.
It so nice to meet so many people and get to know them.
However at personal level collage life his not best time in personal life.
Collage life is full of stress and dependancy.

In todays world collage life is become so stressfull.
We have to be good in studies , sports and stand out to make your own identity.
Like when i was in collage all of my friends use to go to maths class,Electronics class, then badminton,music class , gym.
Due to high expectation from parents every one is working hard .
Every one you see around is doing so well that we need to work more hard to stay in the competition as i could not afford to take classes .

We have so much work to be done in collage assignments, papers , test .

The major decision of life are associate to the collage .
Like if you do well in academic then only we can get good job , then career grown , and marriage.
In my class we had one boy who 's financial condition was not that good.
He always had in mind the thought to get good job in campus so that he could take care of his family.
It add's on to the responsibility and make us feel more tensed.

Also in collage life we are so much dependent on the family .
For every expense right from books ,cloths ,food we need are parents support.
The dependency in so much that parents have to take loan in order to pay the free for the master admission.
that feel like burden compel us to work more hard .

Thus collage life is time of great tension and dependency .
And the best time is yet to come .

deepa21

Nov 15, 2011

Writing Feedback / 'I first met shir'- help in Describing a person .. [3]

Hi

U need to look on the tense that you writing . You are missing on the -ed and ings in your writing
see correction below .
Hope this helps you.

I meat shir on first day of my school.
She is a beautiful girl with Brown eyes and sweet smile that will make you smile.
She is also a very friends person.
She is a very good listener, patient to understand your problem and ever ready to help anyone at any time with any expecting any thing is return .

If there are more people like her world will be a better place to live.

deepa21

Nov 16, 2011

Writing Feedback / The collage years are best time in personal life - Agree/ disagree [4]

Are the contents and organization of this passage right .
I am not getting it if this can be called a good essay

deepa21

Nov 18, 2011

Writing Feedback / Review: Pets should be treated like family member do u agree or disgree. [3]

I Agree that pets would be treated like family members.Pets are the best friends of mankind.
They have the intellectual capacity to understand every thing that you say to them after certain amount of time spend together.

Pets are loyal and he have innocent love for their owner without much expectation in return . Just like any other family member.
Its just that they are unable to talk like us. But if you scientifically study the pets behavior and learn understand their language we can really communicate with them .

I actually know one person who's pets are monkey and birds .
And he talks to them in their language . He call the birds back in evening to feed them .
He talk with the monkeys feeds them food and sometime they have a fight too . Just like the quarrel in kids and parents .

Pets also work hard like any other family member does .
For example My Dog they act like guard for my house .He never lets any one in my house until I go any open the gate of my house for any stranger to get in.

We have never had the problem of robbery in area near our house too .
If there are trained well from childhood . They are the best companion for human being . Since ancient time dogs are taken for hunting .
They helped human being in catching the pray for food. I saw one program on discovery channel where there dogs chased the rabbit and caught it for his owner.

There was one more story where dogs were looking after the sheep that were taken for grazing and brought then back by just barking at them .

Hence they were helping the sheapard to get the sheep's back home.

Dogs have also save human life . Like there is a well know movie Seven Above that bases on true story .
Where 7 dogs Saved the life of a scientist they pulled the yark in heavy snow storm and got him back to the tent .

What else can we expect from a pets who not just loves you so much but works for you , saves your life and accompanies you every where you go.

It does every things that a family memeber can do for you. Thus a pet should truly be treated like a family member .

deepa21

Nov 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / Review: Pets should be treated like family member do u agree or disgree. [3]

Thanks :)

deepa21

Nov 21, 2011

Undergraduate / 'run while chasing a dream' - University of Cincinnati [2]

Organization can be done more better . By end of the passage we come to know that you are interested in biomedical engineer.
Essay has to be little longer details should be linked to each other.
Mention your agenda first in introduction. Why u want to join the UC . Then each term academic achievements, personal interests, and life experiences
And associate an example with every term

Introduction : Tell them what u are going to tell

Body : Tell them with details and examples

Conclusion : Tell them what u have told them .

deepa21

Nov 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / Education is dominant factor for development of country [5]

I think that education system HAS influenced development of country MORE than ANY other factors .
Education helps people to develop Specialized Skill and higher level of thinking .
This further leads to produce expert doctors, Engineers , Scientists leading to research and invention Improving National status .

You need to mention other factor also Do not drag the same point of education in many paragraphs.

deepa21

Nov 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / Computers: another tech innovation that u think in important in international society [NEW]

With no doubt computers are have changed the way the nations interact with each other in international society .
The major communication that is changed by help for computer is international mail.
for example before the widespread use of computers , a letter from US to any other country would take a week to reach .
I recall it would cost about $10 and the same amount of money would used by a family for its 1 weeks grocery.
Now with help of computer mail can be delivery in no time virtually without any cost.

Another way computers have affected inter nation communication is in a ways people assemble together for meetings and conference.
Before the introduction of computer technology people had to travel to distant locations for their conference and meeting or traings.
The travel time would be tens times the time of the meeting. But now with the teleconferencing things have become so simple that people from various countries can attend the meeting.

They connect to the same meeting by means of satellite to the central conference call.
They can see each other on large screens while interacting from multiple sites around the world .
After the initial one time investment in the equipments the company can save its cost by saving the cost of the travels budgets

Finally computers have influenced the language communication around the world .
Although english was popular language before the advent of internet now its become more useful.
As people from different countries have different languages are now communication is a common language english.
So to be connected in international market English has become the second language.

Computers have changed the ways nation communicate with each other to send inter nation mails , to attend the world meeting and
to communicated with different from different sites on common platform .
They have made it easier, cheaper and faster to exchange information .

deepa21

Nov 21, 2011

Writing Feedback / Education is dominant factor for development of country [5]

Its not bad just that ideas need to be elaborated under specific point . Improve in sentence structure and try to add good relavent examples.
Plan the pont that u are going to write then elaborate each point . with the respective example

deepa21

Nov 24, 2011

Writing Feedback / 'save money to buy luxury items' - TOEFL Essay [5]

custom made = Customized(Its good idea to used Customized)

able to buy whatever you want to buy.(This would not work as people do not buy whatever after saving )== Able to buy valuable assets of your life and secure you future.

Second of all (Wrong )==== Secondly should be used
Other wise nice essay good examples .

deepa21

Nov 24, 2011

Writing Feedback / 'save money to buy luxury items' - TOEFL Essay [5]

Hi

Check out this essay I tried to write it little different with simliar points..
Let me know your feedback.

Every one enjoy's to spend money as money fulfills all the human requirements.
People have to work hard to earn money so that they can fulfill their basic needs of food ,cloths and shelter.
If there is a balance money left then spend more for luxury and comfort.
As many people believe they work hard so that they can earn money and then spend it all for happiness their self and family.
But I think this happiness would be temporary if all the money is spend at one time.

I believe people should save money after the basis requirements are served for two important reasons
First off all people should save money for emergency situations in life .
Emergency situation do not come up with alarm in their hand so you should be prepared for it always by having some money in your savings account

Emergency Situation like medical emergency , Accident of any family member , fire in house etc all of them are out of human control.
For example one of my aunty had been to market for buying vegetables and suddenly she had an heart attack while she was on her way back to home.

People around that place informed my uncle and they immediately took here to hospital. After examination by expert doctor they found that she needed a by pass surgery.

This surgery costed about $25000 and they need to pay the amount immediately. My uncle did not have this amount with him and then he was in big problem.

he asked for money from all his friends and relative but still could not make up with the required amount .
Finally he sold his car and payed the money for the operation .
Also I recently read and article in NY times magazine where 85 % of people believe that saving money is essential for future.

Secondly people should save money to buy their precious assets of life.
Like most of the people have dream to buy their own dream house, buy own car , buy their own farm and many more .
So if money is used cautiously then every individual will be able to full fill his/her own dreams.
I have seen very closely one of my school friend he had habit to save money right from his childhood.
when every he had some balance left from his pocket money he use to collect them in one mini bank .
And by end of year he had some much money that took a nice sweater for his mother birthday.
Further due to this good habit he saved lots of money and last year he bought a new house without any mortgage.
Its a big house so that it can accommodate his compete family and few guest comfortably .

Thus although every one enjoys to spend money . Every individual should plan to save enough money for any emergency situation is life and to fulfill some important dreams of ones life.

It always good habit to save money and spend only how much is really required.
Proper planing will help you to be happy today and secure your tomorrow.

deepa21

Nov 24, 2011

Writing Feedback / Learn foreign language In own country or Country where is is spoken Opinion [2]

Hi Could some one give me feedback on this essay please ?

There are many advantages to learn foreign language in our own country.
In first place it quite lot cheaper that to travel to a foreign country where the language is spoken.
It would include the cost of airfare , food , accommodation and school and the cost would become really very high.
In addition there is less stress involved when you learn in your own environment .
Also the compulsion to speak in the foreign language all the time can be stressful.
Where as teacher in your own country can help your to learn in better way as she would explain you the details in your native language .

As teacher would know your native language and she must have gone though same stages of learning so they can understand what you are undergoing .

Your teacher can also give you some memory trick to remember some words.
They can help you to resolve your problems and learn language faster by explaining in your native language.

Nevertheless and argument can be made on learning language in country in which it is spoken.
Only there you can hear the true accent and the idioms of natural speech.
Being surrounded by the foreign people most of the time you will get use to the new environment and blend with the language very well.

Its also an advantage to learn the language in context to the culture that will help to understand the situation and appreciate use of language accordingly.

For example when to go to restaurant and place an order you are surrounded by all native speaker and you will get to know
how do people talk here.How to behave and how to place order.
Also staying in other country often offers new opportunities.
You will also get introduced to some of the native speakers and make friendship with them will visit their home and possibility they can offer you a job or you can study further in that country.

In my opinion it good idea to learn the language in own country till the intermediate level and the go to the country where it is spoken to achive the advanced level .

By doing this you will enjoy the advantage of both options.

deepa21

Nov 24, 2011

Writing Feedback / Learn foreign language In own country or Country where is is spoken Opinion [2]

It would include the cost of airfare , food , accommodation and school and the cost would become really very high. This sentence is unnecessary

This sentence was to show that cost of education could become very high

In addition, there is less stress involved when you learn in your own environment .

Also the compulsion to speak in the foreign language all the time can be stressful. I don't understand this sentence
As people around you are speaking in foreign language due to which you are not left whith any option and you need to speak in the same language which can become stressfull over time.

As teacher would know your native language and she must have gone though same stages of learning so they can understand what you are undergoing . This is confusing

The native teacher who is teaching you foreign language herself has gone through same learning phase and hence she can understand what difficulties you will face while you learn this language.

LEt me know if you can understand the meaning now ..
Actually while typing i am making these gramatical error .looks like I need to practice typing more essays .

deepa21

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My family moved to USA' - UC prompt 1 [14]

Very nice essay the explanation and the flow of ideas is very good it well organized .
But yes your dream can be made more clear even though you have discovered your ability later by end you need to mention you dream.

deepa21

Nov 27, 2011

Writing Feedback / Study abroad Whats will be likes and dislikes [2]

Hi Everyone, please help me improve my essay I appreciate any suggestions,
Thank You Very Much !

Studying abroad has some pros and cons Just like a coins that has two different sides .However I am looking forward for studying in well know foreign university.

It will be a great learning experience for me to meet people from different countries to know their thoughts and ideas.
I will be able to Interacting with so many people and make many friends.
My stay here will help me to improve my english proficiency by having real conversation with the native speakers.
Because its more easy to remember words and idioms when they are used in actual day to day conversations.

I am looking forward for the course contents in University to be pretty much challenging and I am eager to learn new technology and advanced technology in my field.

These courses not only helps the students to improve their knowledge, skill level but also helps then to find a honorable Job.
I am also planning to visit new places near to my university in my free time.
It will be a great experience know the culture of the country attend their festivals, rituals and wedding .
As experiencing the culture is truly different that what we see in movies and read in books.
It will be exiting to enjoying the different kinds of food they cook .

On the other side I am realistic about the cons of studying in foreign country.
First of all I will surely miss my family . I am also aware that I will not be able to travel home every vacation as travel expense are very high.

I will feel very lonely when there are family gathering specially on some festivals and occasions .
Secondly I am not looking forward for reliance on fast food . I know cooking food in very time consuming and may be I will not have the facilities to cook food intially.

In that case I will have to survive on pizzas, burgers though they appears to be a healthy food they are not really healthy.
Finally I am aware that studying and staying in new country is going to be stressful.
As people living here are accustomed to the environment and they know what the teacher expects from them .
Comparatively I will have to work hard to understand all these things and compete with my classmates.
Although I am competitive by nature I am apprehensive about the competition in the class.

Hence I am looking forward for all the challenges and opportunities that are on my way for studying abroad.
I expect my experience to be overwhelmingly positive and I intend to learn lessons in adventure and adversity.

deepa21

Nov 28, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Exchange in Italy' - University of Washington [2]

"She did not understand anything !"

With the area I live in, I not only learned to speak Italian but also learned dialect of this region , Friulani.

Languages are so very interesting to me and I love learning different phrases from all over the world.
I am interested in learning different languages and the phrases that are used in these languages.

I am able to say "Thank you" in more languages than on both my hands , this is the best souvenir I'll be able to bring home. cannot understand this sentence

Starting from "not knowing nothing",I can learn more here than ever.
Started from stage where I did not know anything and now I have learned so many things.

I have an Italian family who I love as mine.
I know an Italian family they are just like my family.

Hi
The contents are good But there are lots of grammatical error . You should read your essay once more before to submit it and work on grammer