Posts by 12SMiller

12SMiller

Nov 18, 2011

Undergraduate / Soccer and Architecture: Match Made in Heaven? UC Essay 1 [2]

I really like your essay (as a soccer player and right defender/goalie myself) and I like how you connect it to your future major.

Based on your subject (Soccer and Architecture: Match Made in Heaven?) the 2nd paragraph seems like a digression towards the end when you talk about your leadership, and I felt the same way when you went from soccer/architecture using team work to student council. I would consider incorporating some of your description about your positions and each one being important into the metaphor about a team being a building, because the transition between paragraphs 2 and 3 just seems... whatever the opposite of fluid is.

Grammatically when you say "Being in these positions required me to: watch the opposing team, anticipate their moves, and never let the ball get past me." and "Everything from: teaching someone to do a bicycle kick, to putting up the nets, to being the team captain was now my responsibility." the colons aren't necessary. Also I think it should be ...became my responsibility, not was now my responsibility.

"Once I have heard one of my coaches' say"
I would rephrase as "As I once heard one of my coaches say," (and you don't need the ')

Other than those things I really like your essay, and I think you have a nice unique idea.

12SMiller

Nov 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My schooling and my parents' - The world you come from-UC Application [4]

I think you did a nice job with your essay (I just read someone else's with the same prompt and it's almost funny how different they are) I think you are very focused and straight forward. My only qualm is that I think you did a lot of unnecessary capitalization in the middle paragraph (Allergy Shots, Physical Therapy, Medical Problems, Asthma etc.)

Nice job and good luck with your college search

12SMiller

Nov 19, 2011

Undergraduate / Swimming.. I wouldn't have dreamed - Common App short [2]

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Since I started high school, swimming has become something I can't imagine living without. When I walked into the locker room before the first practice my freshman year and saw moldy showers, and rusty lockers I had no idea that that room would soon become my second home. The first time I met my eccentric teammates I wouldn't have guessed that they would eventually become my best friends. As I dragged myself out of the pool after my first grueling practice I would have never dreamed that a year and a half later I would drag myself out of a different pool after breaking a school record. When I first gawked at the schedule that said the season lasted a staggering four months I didn't realize how quickly that season, and the next two, would pass. Now with only one season left in my high school career I plan to make the most of my last year and try not to take for granted all of these little pieces that have come together to make an unforgettable high school experience.

I'm not sure I want to use this as my essay, because I might do my longer one about swimming... but then I'd need to think of something else to write this one about...

I would love any comment/critiques/suggestions/corrections

(PS, I made basically this same thread yesterday, but when I got on today it was deleted... is My Common App Short Essay (Swimming) to vague a title?)

12SMiller

Nov 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'small pieces of myself ' - UCF Application [2]

This is a nice idea for an essay, though there are some mistakes you can correct

Past times = Pass times

We all have something about us that is reflected upon the people and things around us. - I'm not really sure what you mean here

I wouldn't call Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato the "newest voices" maybe say modern?

that is said to have once been located in modern day Turkey. - Seems a little unnecessary, the reader isn't looking for a history lesson

and to be challenged. - don't need the "to"

Whether these new things be academic subjects or just life skills I can utilize on a daily basis. - Whether starts an intro. clause, so there if you want to use it you need a comma after basis and the sentence needs to continue

then that of someone my age - should be than, and "people of my age" or something similar

Whether it be respectfully sticking by my opinion and refusing to back down or be bullied/pressured to change who I am or being the one to get what I want in life by earning it fair and square, by working hard and doing the right thing. - this didn't really make sense

amount and combination - pick one

Overall, nice job and good luck!

12SMiller

Nov 19, 2011

Undergraduate / Letter to my room mate about my gaming hobby [6]

In addition to beccalevesque's corrections,

I just stare at the computer screen ~~at times~~ while playing a game

12SMiller

Nov 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I could endure a few more days of ultimate stress' - UVA Supplement [2]

I looked carefully at the sweat-drenched runners pass by, as they entered their next grueling lap across the soccer field.

you don't need the comma

Their physically spent faces in totally agony told me, "If you start this sport, then you will regret every moment of it". Despite the blaring signals given by the older kid's expression, I, the naïve eighth grader, enthusiastically signed up for cross-country.

I would pick either 'Their physically spent faces' or 'Their faces in total agony'
You went from (plural) their faces to singular (kid's expression)

Sometimes, I had the privilege of viewing my afternoon lunch a second time with other vibrant colors mixed in a repulsive slime.

When I first read it I was thinking... ew why would he eat a slimy colorful lunch?

and would often "go underground". A safe zone or a relief hideout.

I would change this, and get rid of the go underground part because it didn't really flow, like you were quoting a movie I hadn't seen.

Overall I really like this essay. The part about how murdering it in its sleep actually made me laugh out loud (I feel the same way about swimming) I like your humorous style and how you really captured the love/hate aspect of a sport like this well