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Posts by ElyGeoSav
Joined: Nov 24, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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ElyGeoSav   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a fascination with people' - UC admission [5]

So, this is a really rough draft I wrote last night. I have been struggling with the prompt as I am not used to talking about myself at all. I feel that is kind of reflected in my essay, as I spend the first paragraph explaining anthropological terms... But anyway, please, any criticism, advice, etc... (especially pertaining to content) would be extremely helpful! I worry it gets a little too after-school-special at some points haha.

Also, something I would like to talk about in the other essay is my struggle with mental illness. However, I have been advised against this by some because it will apparently make me seem weak and not ready for college. Any opinions on this? This is a fairly important part of my life that I have learned a lot from, after all.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

In anthropology, there is a term often used to describe the 'old' techniques. Aptly named 'armchair anthropology', it refers to when anthropologists were all white men who sat around and 'theorized' about the exotic brown people and what they were like. They rarely ever had first hand experience with their 'subject' of study, and they certainly did not particularly try to relate to them. Instead they read books and judged their subjects on the basis of their own culture- for example, a person from a society where tattoos are taboo would consider a tattooed individual barbaric, even if in that individual's own society to be tattooed is acceptable for a variety of reasons. This is called ethnocentrism, believing your culture to be the 'right' one.

While academically this is outdated and 'relativism' anthropology is the norm (studying a culture based on its own values, not on another's), judging others on your own values is still a problem I see often in today's society, leading to many conflicts. However, I was lucky in that 'relativism' was instilled in me since the day I was born, and am able to view people and their actions without including me in the picture.

Growing up, I was the only white Jewish child in a mostly Mexican and Asian community. While stories like these, growing up the only something in a community of something else, usually end badly, I was extremely fortunate in only having a wonderful experience. Growing up, I gained a fascination with people. Why did they act the way they did? What did they believe? What differentiates one person from another? These questions in my head might have led me to an interest in psychology if I did not grow up with so many people with diverse identities. What began to interest me more than the actual people themselves were their back grounds. While all people are different, the culture they grow up in (such as ethnicity) or have come to be part of (such as sexuality) has a profound effect on them as well.

In my short life so far, I have seen people who have embraced, rejected, been ambivalent about, been hurt, and more by their identities. From a friend who found healing in religion to another who had depression partly caused by the same religion, culture in all its forms is such an important part of our lives. For this reason, I want to understand it. My goal in this life is to understand what makes people do what they do, and anthropology has been my source for understanding since I was young and learning why people spoke different languages to now, when I analyze why different groups sit together in the cafeteria.

When I was able to stop a group of friends (white, Asian and Mexican) from judging a group of other students who were African American for mostly staying together rather than branching out, I felt I had done a little more to increase understanding. What I want to do with this understanding is what people of all academic disciplines want to do: help make the world a better place. I want to do this by making people understand each other and be able to solve problems with this strategy. Too accomplish this would be immensely more satisfying than all the money in the world.
ElyGeoSav   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Half a Bindhi - Transfer #2 :Accomplishment essay [2]

I think this a very valuable experience to share. However, I think you could fine-tune your essay a few ways to make it more understandable.

While I got the general idea of what you got from your experience, I think you are capable of making it more precise. A couple of lines after the "For once I wasn't trying to hide anything." explaining exactly why this experience might be useful. Others might disagree with me that that is redundant though so get other advice about it.

A couple of parts you could do away with such as the line "They did know that I could not talk about the latest American albums and movies. Of course, I could tell them all about the latest Indian pop stars, but then they would probably laugh at me." and instead replace it with more examples of how you hid the "real you". The essay reads like the only part of you you hid was your bindhi, when I'm sure you have more to say than that.

I hope this is helpful at all! Thanks for sharing!
ElyGeoSav   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App - The catastrophic Japan Earthquake [9]

I agree with breakingRenee. You need more a conclusion. Also, explain why it made you identify as Japanese. Because your heart broke when you saw those pictures? While important, many people's heart broke when they saw the disaster, whether they were Japanese or not. You'll have to be more specific.

Nice choice of topic though! I also want to write about identity in my essay, but I think you have a much better story to back it up haha

Also, hope your grandparents are doing ok!
ElyGeoSav   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "First time ditched class" - UC transfer personal statement prompt 2 [4]

While I think you have a valuable lesson to share, I don't think you pull it off enough so it is more than just talking about that one time you ditched class. Unless you are able to fix up your essay and make it clear what you learned, I would recommend picking a different topic.

Also, you need to work on grammar. Have someone read over it and help you with that.
ElyGeoSav   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bilingual, Brazil, United States' -What community do I belong to? [4]

I love the intro sentence! It works extremely well with the rest of the essay.
And while I agree with the rest of the commenters that you could add more about the culture of Brazil, be careful to make sure your essay does not become an essay on Brazil. As it is now, I like how you relate your heritage to you and how it has influenced you as a person. Too many essays I see just become a lesson on their essay or culture!
ElyGeoSav   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'having a complete family' - LIM College Essay [3]

I don't think you really answer the essay prompt. Keeping to yourself and forcing a smile everyday is not a skill that many would see as helpful in college. Talk more about how you have learned to cope with the sadness, and how this has made you a stronger person.

(I definitely understand what you're trying to express though, so I understand the difficulty of expressing it while still seeming 'strong')
ElyGeoSav   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

I'm going to just be brutally honest: This sounds more like a dating website profile than a college application essay.
Writing from the point of your dog is risky, and not in the good edgy way.
Essentially, you're justifying submitting a list of your personality traits by saying it's from your dog.
From what you wrote, if it is true, it's obvious that you have a lot to offer and could do so much better than this.

I encourage you to restart from the beginning.
Good luck, and sorry to be so harsh.
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