Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Running my Own Business [2]

I need my common application essay to be critiqued! Please be honest, and let me know if you would like me to return the favor! Additionally, I'm not just looking for grammatical errors, if you think I could use more paragraph hooks or if the essay does not flow well just let me know!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

"So... can I speak to the owner?"

I hear this every day, however, I always reply with the same answer: "You're looking
at him!" Skepticism always encompasses their faces, but I guess I should learn to expect that. I
mean, how many teenagers own companies?

It was the summer of 2010 and I told my family and friends that I was going to start a
business, with my buddy. Skepticism encompassed their faces too: "Are you crazy? Do you
know how much work it will take?" I guess I can understand why they were surprised. I was a 15
year old with no work experience, no passions, and mediocre grades.

My buddy, Kaleb, and I went to the Petoskey News Review to purchase an
advertisement for $350.00, which was nearly all our capital, and decided to name our business
ComputaCure. Within a few weeks we had completed 25 on-site computer repair jobs and
by July 2010 we had a prime retail location. ComputaCure was a microcosm of startups:
idiosyncratic and unorthodox. While fixing computers Kaleb and I would sing all day, however,
as we expended change came quickly. Once we got a contract with Meijer, a billion dollar
grocery store chain, everything started to change. We hired an intern... and my Grandma.
Our "singing parties" were replaced by quasi-board meetings and within a year ComputaCure's
revenues exceeded $100,000 annually.

It seems now as if ComputaCure has become part of my daily life and identity. Luckily,
my life metamorphoses daily: virus removal, programming, networking, accounting, and
marketing are just some of the tasks I preform.

Even though I enjoy the money I make, the emotions and sense of responsibility are most
important to me. The emotions are analogous to a high; whenever I fix a computer or satisfy my
customer I get a certain rush, unique to entrepreneurs. The money I make allows me to buy toys
and invest in stocks and options, but more importantly than material objects, the money produces
a sense of responsibility to my customers and company. I am responsible for fixing computers
360 days a year with 60 to 70 hour work weeks in the summer.

Looking back, ComputaCure has had a profound effect on me as a student, person, and
entrepreneur. Prior to Computacure I was apathetic towards school; I didn't see the point in
learning "worthless information inapplicable to life", however, ComputaCure has showed me
that the knowledge we learn in school is relevant. Additionally, ComputaCure has forced me to
come out of my shell. I've always faced social anxiety, however, ComputaCure forced me to
communicate with strangers, and in doing so it transformed me from a social outcast to my
school's homecoming king. Finally, ComputaCure has given me the gumption to create ideas
and run with them. Thanks to ComputaCure I am now a true serial entrepreneur.

Undergraduate / 'successful business' + 'stock market+ 'listing off renowned artists' NYUs [5]

Here are the three essays. Please be honest! If you would like me to return the favor just let me know!

Why NYU?

I arrived at the NYU campus, and within minutes I heard three students discussing their new product that will truly revolutionize the cloud.
I instantly knew NYU was my school.
There are three necessary foundations to starting a successful corporation: the team, the education, and the opportunities.
When starting a corporation you first need the core team. There aren't many college campuses where you have business and photography students working together on launching companies, but NYU is one of the few. It won't be a hassle to find the numbers guys, looking at profit margin, and the creative guys, looking at aesthetics of products, and synergize them.

In addition to finding the right team I'll receive the right education at NYU. Stern's curriculum provides an apt business education with the liberal arts background NYU provides. I'll learn the necessary skills to run a company.

Finally, I'll be able to take advantage of this education by using the opportunities available at NYU. With programs such as the Innovation Venture Fund and NYU Entrepreneurship Challenge I will be able to apply my education and develop a company simultaneously.

I've outlined the three foundations to a business: the team, the education, and the opportunities. NYU has an ample supply of all three, so is it possible that NYU is the fourth foundation to any successful business? Well, this might be a long shot but I think yes.

Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

Growing up I always watched CNBC with my father, and I quickly became interested in the stock market and why stocks go up and down. Living at the epicenter of America's financial system will allow me to further my knowledge in financial derivatives and the impact of monetary policy on markets. Additionally, NYU's study abroad programs and alumni networks will give me opportunities to intern at central banks and research the monetary policies of foreign countries and their impacts. Furthermore, studying under renowned professors such as Thomas Sargent will expand my intellectual horizons. Together these three resources will profess why stocks move.

I'm a competitive individual by nature, and during my sophomore year of high school a penny stock promoter fooled me with a pump and dump. Since then I've wanted to "beat the market". I've spent my summers and idle time trading and researching options, stocks, and currencies in order to beat the market. In this process I've learned the ramifications of quantitative easing, the flaws of the Black-Scholes pricing model, and the economics of emerging markets, and in this process I've managed to supplement my income.

Ultimately, my passion for finance symbolizes my thirst for the unknown, and NYU's liberal arts curriculum will ultimately allow me to expand my financial and economic horizons while allowing me to find "the unknown" in other fields.

What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

What intrigues me is how commonplace the majority of these responses will be: listing off renowned artists, poets, industrialists, and scientific achievements that have received varying awards, yet very few will mention the daily excellences and daily successes of the hoi polloi. Therefore, I would like to mention the daily woes of my postman. He wakes up and delivers mail to thousands of houses daily, and although his work is not as glamorous as a famous actor or industrialist he provides just as much to society and works just as hard.

It seems society focuses on those who receive awards while forgetting the daily excellences and daily successes of the mass. Without the mailmen, garbage men, cooks, and textile workers the rest of society would not be able to specialize; ergo, we would all experience a lower standard of living. Their work might not be prestigious, but society should admire these individuals. Without them we would not have our Bruce Lees, Robert Frosts, and Steve Jobs. What intrigues me is the fact that these individuals who allow society to function are oppressed while reality stars, who provide no utility to society, live in decadence. This is significant to me because it's economically inefficient and it signifies the income inequality America is facing. Is it really fair while those are causing the postman to lose his job are living in decadence and are hurting society while the postman benefits society and lives in oppression? I think not.

Undergraduate / Cornell A&S Supplement: Economics & Management Passion [4]

Cornell is my first choice, and I would absolutely love to go there. Please be harsh on my essay, it will probably determine whether or not I get in due to my borderline stats.

My major is applied economics and management
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?

It was my first time drinking Snapple in a month. I decided to allow myself to have unlimited Snapple for one day. Why? It was just one of my silly experiments. After I drank five or so bottles I vowed to never drink Snapple again. Why? The first Snapple tasted awesome, but the sixth tasted like sour milk. Although I did not realize it at the time, this was my first encounter with economics: Diminishing Marginal Utility.

It took me seven years to realize this connection, but it changed my perspective of school and business: I found school is relevant and it can be applied to life. I now use economics and calculus to maximize profit for my business, ComputaCure, - using derivatives of cost and profit functions. I now use economics to test elasticity between businesses and home users, and I use this data to price my services at ComputaCure. I now use economic indicators and econometrics to make stock picks. My passion for economics continued to blossom, and economics became applicable to more than just my business and finances. I found that economics explains the hidden side of everything. For example, I found the Impact of Roe v. Wade on crime rates in the nineties. Economics was everywhere I looked, and I could not satisfy my appetite for it.

Not only was my passion for economics growing, my passion for entrepreneurship was as well. After I founded ComputaCure I started to brainstorm ideas - from biotech companies to simple mobile applications - and read Biographies on Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, and Jeff Bozos. I felt an urge to start a new corporation, but I decided that I was not ready. I still need the right education, team, and education, and that is where Cornell's Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management comes in.

Firstly, I will learn everything I need to know to become an entrepreneur at Cornell. I will be able to take classes on pre-startup skills to management theory, which will allow me garner the knowledge necessary to create a company and manage it successfully. Additionally, I will find the right team at Cornell. It will not be a hassle to find the numbers guys, looking at profit margin, and the creative guys, looking at aesthetics of products, and synergize them. Finally, Cornell will offer the opportunities that will allow me to work on a start-up while continuing my education. With programs such as the Cornell Venture Challenge, Big Idea Challenge, and Advanced Materials Enabled Innovation Competition I will have all the resources necessary to create the next hot start-up.