Undergraduate / 'The boy without a name' - William and Mary supplement essay [8]

I agree with deesta. It does seem cliche and slightly dramatic with "My eyes filled with tears at the sudden realization of how blind and impossibly lucky I had always been."

However, it is well written and I like the treasure map idea at the end; it's a nice touch.

Undergraduate / 'Communities, groups, purposes' - Brown supplement essay [3]

I think you can change from saying "they" to "we" if you are part of the band community. By saying "we" it gives off a more personal touch. Good essay though. I think "A community is a conglomeration of individuals who share a common interest." is a little unnecessary since Brown is asking for your community - they already know what a community is! It wouldn't hurt to mention your instrument and how despite you all play different instruments, the love for music is what ultimately holds you together.

Undergraduate / 'The waves of the Pacific Ocean' - Williams window supplement [5]

"Unfortunately, I can become consumed by my daily life, from distributing lunches to the homeless in San Francisco and coaching gymnastics to playing piano and memorizing the rules of derivation and integration."

It seems unlikely that "distributing lunches to the homeless in SF" is part of your daily life so you might want to tweak the wording there a bit.

Other than that, great essay.

Undergraduate / Natural Born World Shakers - Common App Essay [3]

I agree with lethalityKD's comment about being thesaurus-driven. Even if you didn't use a thesaurus, the vocab is a little overwhelming.
The tone of the essay is very dramatic but I like it; you sound ambitions but not arrogant.

I would change this sentence:


I dont think college is the largest obstacle because you intend on conquering, metaphorically, the world! It's definitely not so you might want to rephrase that to something like a stepping stone.

Good work, I mean it.

Undergraduate / 'curious to learn about the history of my area' - MIt essay world you come from [5]

The main body paragraph is very strong but the ending doesn't tie the essay well together enough. It seemed as though the end was a little rushed.

Undergraduate / Common App - Topic 1 - Becoming more openminded [4]

I like the ending/last paragraph. Overall, it's quite an easy read and it was easy to follow but that doesn't undermine the essay at all. You have a good writing style. I enjoyed it.

Undergraduate / 'I want to be remembered' - NYU SUPS [11]

Try to tie your response to more NYU specifically. It seems as if this could apply to any school.

Undergraduate / 'saw the meaning of such a useful advice' - Andover Admission Essay [7]

If you take the advice of the other posters regarding your grammar, you'll be fine.
The flow of the essay was good for a shorter essay.
My only comment is in the first paragraph
There are many people that have given me advice in the past, some might be useful, and others may not be. Out of the hundreds of advices I have been given, there is one that I think is the most important, and it is not given by a family member, nor a mentor, but by one of my trusted peers. This valuable advice not only helped me then, but it also helped me now, and will continue helping me in the distant future.."

Everything that's before you actually stating the advice feels a bit drawn out. I think you should shorten this.