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Posts by jonnyboy2
Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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jonnyboy2   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Stepping onto the campus' - UPenn supplement essay [4]

I'm unsure about how long it needs to be, because I feel like I don't really have anything else to add! :/

Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

Stepping onto the campus of the University of Pennsylvania for the first time, I was almost overwhelmed by the surrounding aura of nearly three hundred years' worth of knowledge and self-discovery emanating from the archaic yet beautiful buildings around me. Yet despite the rich and lengthy history of UPenn, I quickly learned that UPenn is not at all left behind in modern times. On the contrary, its top research facilities and productive alumni body was one of the motivating factors in my new desire to become a pioneer of computer science and innovation at UPenn.

Yet despite my solidified interest in the Computer Science program at UPenn, my curiosity was also aroused by UPenn's encompassing education that encourages students to learn as much as possible through the numerous joint-degree programs. While others might see a rigorous course load, I only see a buffet of knowledge that might finally satisfy my appetite for learning.

The Information Age we live in is constantly changing and adapting. Similar to UPenn's committed advancements towards research, I intend on developing and engineering new guidelines in computer security or satisfying my creative programming side by fulfilling the need for new software in any field possible. I believe that UPenn holds the tools I need to succeed in my aspirations, and while at UPenn I hope to create a few tools of my own.
jonnyboy2   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement 500 words; 'stepping out on faith' [3]

"As I took my seat in the very first row at the Exploring College Options, I knew I was stepping out on faithtaking a leap of faith? . The feeling of being surrounded by peers who share similar interests as me made me a bit indecisive. Within minutes the program began. Each IVY League school shared unique aspects about their school yet only University of Pennsylvania stood out to me. There was something about this school that stood out from the rest but I could not grasp it. Perhaps explain what "it" is, how you understood Upenn's appeal, etc. A couple weeks later I attended the "Introduction to Penn" for prospective students. Once the Admission Officers played the "true learning" video, it was asI felt as if UPenn was designed for me. The Locust walk being described as the heart beat of campus as well as the opportunity to view the world from many perspectives through interdisciplinary study, clearly sets UPenn apart.Kind of lengthy, find a way to make the Locust walk more relevant UPenn attracts students from all over the world creating a culturally diverse learning atmosphere.

At UPenn I hope to learn how to learn. Learn how to conduct research to further my knowledge especially sensesince it is an important factor in becoming a criminal defense lawyer."

You have the right idea but your writing style could use some work to make it more appealing. Try not to just rattle off things, but make it a creative essay that personalizes yourself and lets the admissions offer know what you offer. It's kind of hard to tell what your main passion is, you've scattered your interests throughout. Try to focus on how you will pursue your favorite interests, and then throw in the others to show how you fit into the diverse community, how you will learn more, etc.
jonnyboy2   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / A Little About Me [3]

Try not to throw in parenthetical statements too much. You want it to be casual, but not too much.

I like how its very creative and personalized though! Your admissions officer will enjoy reading it!
jonnyboy2   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / UVA Supplement essay "Work of art that has surprised or unsettled you" [3]

College of Arts & Sciences: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way? (250 words)

The first note of Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings is a solitary B flat, in a minor key. As the fragile note softly tip-toes across the air, the rest of the strings follow slowly behind, settling into the listener's heart with an unspeakable, almost unbearable sadness. The first time I heard this piece, I did not even listen to more than a minute. I wanted to listen to something uplifting, something more pleasurable to listen to. However, although I had listened to no more than a few notes, they dwelled heavily on my mind. I could not get the melancholy melody out of my mind, and thus returned to it the day after. Eight minutes later, I was left slumped in my chair, awestruck and emotionally drained. The uneasy, step-like melody was almost physically tangible, and had left me close to tears. Although the background context of the piece was unknown to me at the time, the piece itself left no doubts what it was about. Representing a nation struggling to recover from the wake of the Great Depression, as well as the tension of a world on the brink of World War II, Barber's simplistic masterpiece had the emotional impact of a battering ram, striking me unprepared every time I listened to it. Adagio for Strings embodied every sorrow I had experienced, yet the beauty of the piece is an unforgettable experience I cherish.
jonnyboy2   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Essay - Korea experience [3]

unwilling- "reluctant" ?

"but these students revealed a new aspect of korea"

Perhaps expand on what you learned from your experiences? Although you described them well, try and connect it more to yourself and other personal, relate able thoughts.
jonnyboy2   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I had a dream: get into NYU' - NYU Supplement [15]

In the beginning, describe why did you want to get into NYU? You said yourself you didn't know much about the school when you were young, so what created such appeal? Also you mixed up the tenses a few times and it makes it confusing. Figure out which should be in past tense, etc. "When I grew up, I figured out ____"

2. Try to condense the first sentence a little, it's long.

Your diction is good but try to make it sound more interesting
jonnyboy2   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / UVA supp "Discuss your favorite place to get lost" [4]

I'm miles above the earth's surface, floating leisurely on my back. Above me, millions of stars twirl and twinkle as I am alone with my thoughts. But this is not reality. As my surroundings fade, I wake up and stare up at my bedroom ceiling. "Another great dream," I think. Lucid dreaming has been a hobby of mine for the past year, and allows me to lose myself within my subconscious. It has led to more self-realizations than I had ever thought possible, and I learn more about myself with every dream. While most people do not even remember their dreams, dreaming is just as important to every person in processing the day's events and memories. I have often found that my subconscious holds more answers that I didn't even know existed and is a powerful tool in overcoming fears and doubts. While lucid dreaming, anything is possible. I have conversed with my subconscious, taken advice from it, and even explored my mind as a physical landscape! Revisiting memories as if they had happened yesterdays is an exhilarating experience, and can lead to important resolutions in past conflicts. I have discovered that losing myself in my dreams is one of the most educational habits I have, and I hope to revisit my subconscious many times for years to come.
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