Undergraduate / Extracurricular essay on volunteering! Any help is appreciated!! [3]

Your essay is well-written. It might need improvement grammar-wise, like, as BillyIon said, in transitions, but I'm addressing a different issue.

My qualm is the content. I can see that you care a lot of children, especially those who "struggle" with Down Syndrome. A very close friend of mine, though, actually has Down Syndrome. Perhaps we have different perspectives, but I don't see his laughter as a cover-up for his struggles. It's genuine mirth.

Again, your essay is good. I just don't want you to come across as pitying them. It might give a bad impression to a reader like me.

- - - - -
Answer mine?

Undergraduate / 'instant information' - NYU SUPPLEMENT- What intrigues you? [11]

Your essay is great. it's well-structured and it keeps the reader's interest.

I can see only one fundamental problem... The prompt asks to:
"Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature..."

You focus on many things - books, newspapers, internet communication, etc. - but the prompt is asking for another. I'm certainly not telling you to scrap your essay, but you have to work within the parameters they give you.

- - - - -
Also, can you take a look at mine?

Undergraduate / UPenn optional essay- tell us about you [10]

To be a total conformist, I must agree: Go with number two. The second one is just as descriptive as the first, but it gives a more balanced view of who you are - books, a guitar, school things, soccer photo, etc.

- - - - -
Mind taking a look at mine?

Undergraduate / 'Living and dreaming' - University of Chicago Long Essay [12]

Considering I'm an old bore who does nothing but read psychology books, I completely disagree with your concept of dream theory. Being a prude aside, your opening exclamation catches the reader's attention, and the colorful metaphor for the nervous system is appreciated.

I'm also interested in knowing what this essay is for. School assignment? College essay?
- - - - -
By the way, can you take a look at mine?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay *Teach me how to rap* [7]

It's a great essay. You explore your topic very well, and your escapades with the Mormon family and the inner city kids demonstrate that you've experienced a lot.

To satisfy your qualms:
The sentence "So I said to him, 'teach me how to rap.'" is itself a conclusion. It demonstrates your growing connection with people who have had different experiences than you. Your third paragraph might need a little more substance, though.

No, the topic is not cheesy. Good luck with the Ivies!

- - - - -
By the way, take a look at mine, if you can:

Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

It might just be a miscommunication on my part, but I feel that this relationship between influence and inspiration isn't expressed coherently. Again, that might just be my fault.

Otherwise, your essay was good! I would touch up the flow of your sentences, though, so it sounds as smooth as silk (these are minor changes in grammatical structure, I mean). Also, why focusing on your principal's qualities is okay, I would suggest that you focus more on how these qualities of his have influenced you, personally. Perhaps a personal anecdote would help?

- - - - -
Check out mine, as well:

Undergraduate / 'The Perks of Being Literate and Self-Honesty' - PERSONAL ESSAY [13]

Change "struggle" in the third paragraph to "struggled" to maintain parallel sentence structure. Besides that, your essay is great! The topic behind it is very personal - it'll give colleges an idea of who you are and how you've developed as a human being.

- - - - -
Check out mine, if you would, pretty please: