Undergraduate / 'assumptions rather than knowledge' - intellectual vitality- stanford supp [9]

I think the essay begins well, but after it seems like you're going on a hate-session about your dad. Keep in mind, admissions officers are parents too, and they woulndt want their children talking about how much they hate their parents' ignorance.

I would say focus more on you and how you want to intellectually grow, rather than how much your dad has not.

Undergraduate / 'Cell phone beep' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [7]

I still think your last paragraph needs some work. Your tenses seem a little strange (had liked) and (had never done). It's not wrong, but you could probably just use simple past tense if you begin the paragraph with something other than "even before this moment". Also, I would recommend using more complicated sentences. Many of your sentences are short and sweet like "but this time was different for me." etcetc. There's nothing wrong with it, but after 4 or 5 of these sentences, it makes your writing sound childish.

The fact that I can combine parts that can't do anything alone into one contraption that serves a purpose still amazes me.

change to something like (maybe not take word for word what i said)

The fact that I can make a contraption from parts that have on function on their own still amazes me.

Good luck! The first part was good. I hope i didn't sound too harsh.

Undergraduate / 'Sorrow, anger, and doubt' - Stanford Essay: What matters to you and why? [3]

Heey! woah, first off i just wanted to say that I'm christian too, and strangely enough, i'm trying to start a journal too. It's encouraging to read about your walk.

okay about your essay

I think that it's well written, and definitely an interesting read for a fellow Christian. It's very personal and I think that it will shed light to things that cannot be written on your application. Also to me, the guardian thing was a bit confusing. Do you mean your father or just another guardian?

But please, please caution against writing about religion. What if the admissions officer who gets this essay is athiest? At the same time, I can tell that this subject clearly matters to you, so it's your call.

Undergraduate / 'I had a dream: get into NYU' - NYU Supplement [15]

heart of the world in New York City is enough to convince me

change to
heart of the world, New York City, is enough to convince me

When I grow up, I did my fair share of research on NYU and congratulate my younger self on my good taste and remind my future self to hold on to this dream.

^ not sure if you should say this, it seems contrived and like you're trying really hard to flatter nyu :P

Undergraduate / 'trivial personal matters' - Brown Cubism/new perspective Essay [10]

wow, that was a really touching essay!

His short life highlighted the importance of treating everyone with respect and appreciation; and the exhibits of his exquisite artwork remind me each day to slow down and appreciate the little joys and minor yet beautiful idiosyncrasies of life.

^ i don't think you need a semicolon here.

but other than that and a few stylistic changes, you're good to go! (:

Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to the school.

I find this sentence a bit awkward, although it is not grammatically wrong.

Let's just say everything that could go wrong was going wrong. (or something of the sort you shouldnt just end the sentence like that)

I will forever be grateful for the five minutes he gave me; he made me feel like a person instead of an obligation.

He has shown me that everything deserves a person's full attention and

Other than that, good job. The essay could use a bit more about you, though.

If you have time, can you look over mine?

Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

oh also, does anyone know if we might get caught for plagurizing our own essays? Since we put them on this website and colleges will probably have a plagurizing machine that looks on websites...

Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

really?!! 8 dollars? i was considering it but wtf. -________-"
if i had known this i wouldnt have posted any essays at all.

Undergraduate / 'gather left-over cups and fast food wrappers' - Extracurricular Activity [6]

Is it just easy to disregard the environment or be disrespectful to those that need to clean up after them? I would use and instead of or here, just a matter of preference.

carry a giant yellow trash bag in the back of my car in case of such occasions and stop to pick up what I see until I have a full bag.

^ maybe reword? it sounds a bit awkward.

short, sweet and to the point. good job.

If you have time, can you look at mine too?

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Will colleges think we plagiarized off something?

Colleges have something that checks for plagiarism, just like turnitin.
If we posted our own essays on here, will colleges think we plagiarized off something?! (even though it was just our own essays).
please help, i don't want to pay 8 dollars to delete the essays.