This is a very rough draft and I need as much help/corrections/critiques as possible on it! Please be brutally honest - all comments are welcome. I will return the favor! (:
C. Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed.
His name was Michael. Although he was special needs, he created the most beautiful, intricate sculptures in our class. He came every day and sat two stools away from me, wearing his worn, hunter green cargo jacket and working in stoic silence, allowing his art do the speaking for him. He always made boats, colorful and delicate little models fashioned from cardboard or clay. I learned later that he lived on a boat in our local harbor with his father.
One day Michael didn't come to class. I doubt anyone noticed his absence - I'm ashamed to say I didn't either. However, my chest tightened when I saw the silent tears sliding down my teacher's ashen face as he announced that Michael was dead; they had found his body in the ocean early that morning. The news rang in my ears and numbed my mind. However, when I looked around to see other people's reactions, everyone had merely returned to their art, resuming their gossip or checking their iPhones slyly under the table, completely unperturbed. "Michael who?" someone muttered offhandedly. It sickened that one of our peers had died, but because nobody had any real relation to him, they simply didn't care. His death - and his existence for that matter - was insignificant; he was remembered only as "one of the mental kids". Michael's death illuminated the self-absorbed mindset I had been living with, and I was disgusted and ashamed to realize I was one of the many who were content to act as if he didn't exist even when he was alive.
I've learned it's easy to become absorbed in your own life and trivial personal matters; and it's too often that we others for granted. Although he will never know it, Michael has had a profound influence on my life and the moral standards I hope to live up to. His short life highlighted the importance of treating everyone with respect and appreciation; and the exhibits of his exquisite artwork remind me each day to slow down and appreciate the little joys and minor yet beautiful idiosyncrasies of life.
good essay but there are some mistakes.
1. Although he was special needs. Should be Although he had special needs.
2.allowing his art do the speaking for him. Should be allowing his art to do the speaking for him.
But overall its good.
Don't say the moral standards I hope to live up to; that implies that you're still the same person you were before his death. It's definitely sad yet stern at the same time. Please read my NYU one. Thanks! :D
Oh wow, this is really great. I can't help but also feel some emotion towards Michael and your experience.
I've learned it's easy to become absorbed in your own life and trivial personal matters; and it's too often that we take others for granted.
That's really it, nothing else I would change. It leaves a good impact and addresses the prompt perfectly.
This is a well-thought out essay and it's very different than most people's. I really liked it!
BUT.. you need to revise your grammar, mostly regarding slang. Contractions (it's, I've, I'm, etc.) are a big NO-NO
Also, it adds major intensity to the story and I was taken aback by it, but do you really want to include the term 'mental kids' in your essay? It adds the wow factor but the word still hurts in my chest after reading it..
Other than that I think it's a great essay and it will get you noticed.. your muse/inspiration of a change in perspective is much different than everybody else's and it's very unique
Best of luck! :)
Check out my BU supplement if you can!
I'd love brutally honest criticism the way you do!
hey, all i have to say is avoid the contractions. besides that your essay is really emotional and should DEFINITELY capture the AOs eyes.
His name was Michael. Although he had special needs or he was a special needs student , he created the most beautiful, intricate sculptures in our class. He came every day andHe sat two stools away from me, wearing his worn, hunter green cargo jacket and working in stoic silence, and allowing his art do the speaking for him.
I've learned it's easy to become absorbed in your own life and trivial personal matters, and it's too often that take we others for granted.
Other than the few grammar mistakes i think it looks really great! good job! :)
Your essay seems so real! I liked it :) But I saw one small error "I've learned it's easy to become absorbed in your own life and trivial personal matters; and it's too often that we others for granted." it should be we take others for granted. The rest is okay. Good luck :)
wow, that was a really touching essay!
His short life highlighted the importance of treating everyone with respect and appreciation; and the exhibits of his exquisite artwork remind me each day to slow down and appreciate the little joys and minor yet beautiful idiosyncrasies of life.
^ i don't think you need a semicolon here.
but other than that and a few stylistic changes, you're good to go! (:
A good essay.
One thing, maybe subjective, look if it makes sense to you.
The last part about the idiosyncrasies:
It sounds great, but it does not really relate concretely to your story.
But overall touching.
Mind checking out my essay?
