Undergraduate / 'golf course cheating (ethical dilemma)' - Common app essay [6]

I'm finally happy with my common app essay on the topic Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. Well, mostly happy. My English teacher looked it over today and said he liked it a lot, but I have some issues with the end. He suggested repetition to drive the point home, but I'm not so pleased with it. Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks :)

(side note - I took a weird route through our English department at our school, taking a path in between college in the schools english and regular english. As a result, I somehow made it to be a senior while writing no serious narrative essays like this. I'm confident with my writing skills, especially with research papers, but this is something very new to me. I got a 35 on the English portion of the ACT but a 7/12 on the writing because of no essay skills... Keep this in mind!)

Golf Scores

I was raised to be an honest person. My mom and pop don't so much as think about speaking falsehoods or fabricating stories. They have passed these values on to me, and the further I travel in life, the more thankful I am for this. My biggest pet peeve is lying; I simply cannot stand chronic (or even infrequent) liars. Despite all this, one moment stands out in my mind thinking about lying.

During golf season of 2009, I got the chance to play an overnight meet at Eagle Ridge golf course. The weather was awful; we waited two hours to start our rounds after an ice delay. It didn't warm up much as the day went on, and the wind was howling. Simply put, these were miserable playing conditions.

Making the turn, we began play on a long, uphill par four. Gusts of wind blew our bags over, and rendered our attempts at moving the golf ball useless. After collectively scoring high on that hole with the exceptionally fierce wind gusts, someone threw out the idea of knocking a stroke off of everyone's score. The other three members of the group agreed. Feeling slightly intimidated (I was a freshman-they were all juniors or seniors), insecure (I was playing awful), and outnumbered, I kept my mouth shut as the scores were taken.

Throughout the next hole, I couldn't focus. My play became erratic. I couldn't get the thought of signing a false scorecard out of my mind. My chest felt like it had caved in upon itself. After holing out and walking to the next hole, I couldn't go on any longer.

I spoke to the group while we were taking scores for that hole and told them I couldn't cheat. I explained my conscience wouldn't let me do this, and I couldn't even focus on my play.

To my great relief, everyone in the group agreed with me. We then modified our scorecards to reflect our actual scores instead of the incorrect ones, and signed our cards at the end of the day with honest scores and clear consciences.

I received at least one thank you for speaking up about the incorrect scores from every member of our fivesome that day. Looking back, this experience showed me what my values are. Looking back, this demonstrated what I believe in. Looking back, I found out part of who I am as a person through this.

Undergraduate / 'international influence on the Macalester campus' - Macalester Supplement [5]

This is my essay, of the prompt What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally? I'm new to writing essays - this is my second, the first being my Common App essay. Third if you include the ACT haha. Keep this in mind! These types of essays are very foreign to me. I'm struggling with tone and wordiness throughout this.

I WILL edit your in return, because I so appreciate any and all tips. Getting into Macalester would mean the world to me, and I feel like I need a great essay to do so. Thanks in advance :)

I hadn't so much as heard about Macalester College until approximately two months ago; I regrettably began my college search a touch late. After becoming frustrated with slow-moving high school classes and sluggish individuals, I decided I wanted to surround myself with exactly the opposite. Internet research led me to Macalester College, and I've had a slight obsession with it ever since my discovery. My ideal college from the get-go was something in the Twin Cities, high academics, and not too large; discovering Macalester was the holy grail.

The international influence on the Macalester campus would enhance my degree in an intangible yet important manner. I plan to study economics, and potentially take this into business. With all business now being international, especially in the finance sector, a head start of interacting with other cultures on campus for four years would do wonders. In addition, other cultures are fascinating to me; my recent trip to Europe reinforced this. Spending two and a half weeks traveling around Western Europe, experiencing culture shock from my humble Minnesota upbringings in foreign countries was a living dream. Interrogating the few foreign exchange students at my high school has always been a rather annoying habit of mine, dependent on the viewpoint; Macalester would offer me plenty more positive pestering opportunities. Improving my knowledge of Spanish is also something I look forward to doing, especially with the potential of communicating with native Spanish speakers on a daily basis. Macalester's multiculturalism would be huge for my education, making Mac a good match for me.

The strength of Macalester's academics also leads me to believe Macalester would be a good match. I truly look forward to extending my education and broadening my knowledge, as corny and cliché as that may sound! High school has provided me with a decent education thus far, but obviously there is more to learn, and things high school has failed to teach: for example, narrative essays. This essay, along with my Common Application essay, are the first two narrative essays I've written in high school. I look forward to receiving a broad liberal arts education, along with my studies in economics. Also, the academic strength of the student body at Macalester is hugely appealing to me-as stated in my intro, I want to surround myself with highly intelligent, dedicated people. As my English teacher and Macalester alumni Jason Richardson said: "At (name omitted) State University, you may have ten to fifteen people out of thirty in a class that are intelligent and want to be there; at (name omitted) University there may be five. At Macalester, it's thirty out of thirty."

As far as the Mac community goes, I feel comfortable saying I will be able to add a variety of new ideas to classroom and social settings. With respect to other's opinions and ideas, I am not afraid to speak my mind-even if I'm the only person in the room who feels that way. This has caused debates against me in the past, but no matter. In the wise words of Elie Wiesel: "...to remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all." In a less philosophical sense, I would be able to athletically add to the Macalester community via golf. Golf has been my passion since I first picked up a plastic Fisher-Price club at the age of eighteen months. Playing golf at the collegiate level is and always has been a dream of mine. Unfortunately, my abilities are not worthy of playing at any sort of Division I school, so playing at a Division III level and receiving a great education at a smaller college would be the perfect combination.

To wrap things up, Macalester College would be the perfect setting for me. The multiculturalism of the community would greatly prepare me for the working world ahead. High academics and smart surroundings are something I've dreamed of having after frustration during certain dull high school settings. Bringing new ideas to the table, as well as golf, are two things I can bring to the Macalester community. All of these factors combine for Macalester to be the right place for my college education.