Undergraduate / (great libraries / engaging classes) - Santa Clara [2]

Briefly describe how you learned about Santa Clara University. (1000 characters max)I grew up in Santa Clara and left there when I was fourth grade. When I think of Santa Clara University, my childhood memories come back to me. I remember as a child, I often heard the term SCU, and all I knew about it was that it was a great university. In junior year, I researched about universities. I had a strong impression on Santa Clara, because of its great location. It was a clean, pristine campus located in the heart of Silicon Valley. The more I researched, the more I was impressed by the student life and academic environment and traditions. I talked to my brother about SCU, who is applying for fall 2012, too. He is able to visit the campus more often and tell me about his visits to SCU. He described to me SCU's tops security and new great libraries. (770)

What aspects of Santa Clara make it one of your top choices? (800 characters max)Classes are engaging and exciting. Professors encourage students to explore their personal interests and goals. I can imagine myself in SCU, engaged in every class. I can imagine myself passionately integrating and learning about different cultures through SCU's study abroad programs. And last, I can imagine myself privately talking to professors and asking why they chose SCU. SCU has an atmosphere that no other school has. The school is a close-knit community where students are involved and can receive personal attention from professors easily. I can see myself participating in the SCCAP advocating my opinions and promoting social justice. As a prospective student, I hope to contribute to SCU by taking action to improve the society, such as helping kids and creating a green environment. (798)

Scholarship / 'Chemistry' - Essay on achievement of which you are proud (ISU) [3]

I thought you talked about the experience too much instead of about yourself. For example, you talked about what you did to accomplish a goal but I wish to learn about what you learned and how this experience changed you as a whole. It would better if you expand on how this experience changed you as a whole person and how it changed your perspective on things.

Good essay by the way. I think this is a good experience to talk about. Keep up and the good work and sorry for the harsh comments (if I offended you)! :D

Chemical reactions, stoichiometry, nuclear decay, kinetics...these were topics I was soon going to become very familiar with! During my Sophomore year(Delete: of high school) , I confidently chose to take Chemistry Honors class. Science classes had been a breeze for me throughout elementary school; so Chemistry Honors class would be easy-peasy.And I remember on the first week, I was sitting the office, begging my counselor to drop me down to regular Chemistry class.

Despite my pleading, my counselor advised me to stick with the class. Although He agreed that chemistry would present some difficulty, he believed I could pass it Just pass it? How about saying it will be a rewarding experience? . Reluctantly, I settled to continue on with the class. Talking with upperclassmen, I discovered that my chemistry teacher was notoriously known as the toughest teacher at my school. To pair a tough class with a tough teacher? I felt doomed. (I don't think this is needed. I have a feeling that it is harsh to say this about a teacher.

Instead of nagging (Not sure if you should add in this word. It is a bit negative) my counselor to get an easy way out, I began working hard to meet my high standards for this class. I was going to get an A regardless of the obstacles in my path. My teacher had an eccentric way of writing notes on the board, jumping from one thought to the next, but I rigorously wrote it all down. I forced (a strong negative word. You sound as if had a painful experience. How about "encouraged". myself to pay attention during lectures instead of doodling (This is not needed. It give the impression that you do not take education that seriously. Sorry if I sound harsh) . The night before a test, I would devote my evening to going through the chapter in my textbook. I made flash cards of vocabulary words, forcingHow about using the word, "asking" family members to quiz me on them til I had memorized the definitions. I went through pages of practice problems, converting moles to grams to molecules until I had the conversions stuck in my brain. I also made sure to never miss an extra credit opportunity.

Eventually, the second semester of chemistry came to a close and I faced the most dreadful hurdle...the final. Using the study skills I had practiced all year long, I prepared myself for the difficult test. I was insecure on my ability to pass the test, fearing that no matter how much I studied, it would not be enough. Yet, I confidently walked into the class on the day of the final with two sharp pencils, an eraser, and a brain full of chemistry.

Days later, I looked online to see my final grade. I had passed the test with a 99 percent and ended with an A in the class! This accomplishment made me very proud, not only for passing the class with such a high grade but also for never giving up throughout the year. I learned to be more confident in myself and to not doubt my ability to excel. Now as I enter a new stage in my life at ISU, I am going to take the study skills I have developed and apply them to my college classes. I will continue to push myself with honors classes because a difficult class or teacher cannot hold me back from achieving the most I am capable of.

Undergraduate / "God is great, God is good, Prayer" - Why Brown? [5]

Sound enthusiastic when you write! I think the beginning is a bit too detailed. And since you're interested in Brown, so definitely jot down some specific facts about what Brown offers that no other school offers.

Capitalize the text in red!
"God is great, God is good, Let us thank Him for this food..." When I was a boy, I recited this prayer three times daily. Once it occurred to me that God probably didn't need to be reminded of how great h e was, I quit. Surely h e already knew of his greatness; and if h e didn't know after the hundreds of times I'd told him, then h e hadn't been paying attention. I'm not sure why, but writing an essay explaining to admissions officers why I want to go to their school reminds me greatly of my childhood prayers. Brown is great, Brown is good, but why? In high school, I was always the kid to register for unnecessary courses just because they interested me. To get permission I had to bend my counselor' s arm. During my first year at community college, my head spun from all the new freedoms I was given. When the spinning stopped, I noticed I didn't have the freedom to take any class I wanted; I was repeatedly reminded that certain courses were out of my degree plan while trying to register for my second term. Brown's open curriculum prevents students from having these problems. The satisfactory/no credit system goes one step further by eliminating the stress of letter grading, and encourages students to take courses they otherwise might not. (You know, a lot of colleges are like that, too. How does Brown stand out to you? I honestly can't think of a reason why I wouldn't apply to BrownExplain more about why you chose Brown! . I would usually reserve this spot in my prayers to explain why I deserve what I'm hoping for-in this case, acceptance to Brown. But it's been so long and I'm out of practice, and maybe lobbying one's own prayer requests has gone out of style. One thing I know is that I'm a fit for Brown. My heart and spirit have been with Brown all along, and now they're waiting for my body to catch up. I'll have to pray that it does.

Graduate / How to improve flow and "show rather than tell" - Mechanical Engineering SOP [2]

My hunger for knowledge is insatiable. As a small child I always asked my parents to buy me encyclopedias instead of toys or video games. My curiosity was never constrained to a particular topic, but ranged from the history of man to the development of nuclear plants. Almost twenty years later and having been exposed to various types of science and liberal arts (Doesn't really flow well?) , I have come to the decision to pursue a career as a mechanical engineer and entrepreneur. Thanks to the mental and financial support of my parents, I find myself before the opportunity to advance my studies in a graduate school and I plan to take full advantage through the excellent education offered at the University of XXXX.

While applying to undergraduate programs, I found it difficult to choose a major. I decided to sign up for Physics and History because at the time I was most passionate about both fields and had taken the respective advanced placement courses at my high schoolLong sentence! . However, after my freshman year I knew that neither was right for me; the sophomore level courses in physics were too abstract while history did not have the career perspective I was looking for. I had to reevaluate what my interests and options were.A nd I chose Mechanical Engineering, because its variety of subfields complemented my eagerness to learn about all applied sciences.

Ever since my first academic year in the program and the restoration of my father's old car during the following summerIt is a bit lengthy , I have not looked back on my decision to become a mechanical engineer. My courses in Thermodynamics, Strength of Materials and Dynamics intrigued and challenged me to the point that upon returning home for the summer I purchased and started reading the textbooks for next semester's courses. Concurrently and with the help of my father I was working on his old Mazda RX-7 which he promised to give me if I showed the necessary ambition and dedication. Despite the month long repairs, in the end I was proud that I had learnt how to replace my brakes and brake lines, my water pump and, to my biggest interest, how to calibrate my throttle and engine control system. As a result, I had not only gained an invaluable introduction to automotive technology but found an exciting direction for future studies.

I think, overall, your essay is very good! It's very interesting! Pay attention to long sentences and punctuation!

Undergraduate / "Life is beautiful. Really, it is." - Rider - a significant person in your life? [2]

On the first day of every school year, I would go to each of my new classes, and without mistake, there would be at least one class wherein the teacher would give us a "Getting To Know You" sheet; and on this sheet would be a set of questions for us to answer, such as, "What's your favorite class?" "What do you plan to learn in this class this year?" and of course, the ever popular, "Who is someone you admire?"

It's a bit wordy and the sentences are a bit choppy. Describe the experience more and give an eye-catching introduction!
Up until three years ago, I wasn't sure if I should put down an answer according to what I believed would impress the teacherwhat to write in order to impress the teacher (sounds more concise) , nor did I know of anyone I could sincerely answer with (Weird wording) . Growing up, people made extremely(extremely) temporary What do you mean by temporary?) impressions on me. I lived the years passively, often forsaking old friends for new ones. Teachers were the same, and even when they did make a seemingly enduring impression on me, their negligence to remember my name by the next year or two drowned my faith in their fostering persona. My attention span for reality waned further and further as my tendency to daydream became more frequent. But then, all of this changed once I started babysitting Catherine.

Catherine must be the strongest eight year old girl anyone will ever have the displeasure of challenging to a wrestling match. Her azure eyes sparkled with the fierce determination that only the most inspired of artists have, and her compassion can only be compared with that of a saint's. No person will ever feel alone, no game will be left untouched and no song will be un-sung as long as Catherine has a say about it. And of course, this completely differed from me (Weird wording) , who would have just left all of those things alone. But she could not speak, except for "baah"'s, "daah"'s, and "doh"'s, because she was diagnosed with Downs Syndrome, and this condition was a challenge which proved difficult to overcome. Her mewls which were meant to direct me only confused me more, until I was left sitting down cross-legged leaning on one hand completely dumfounded. And then she tried sign language, none of which of course I knew. But it fascinated me, and I caught onto simple signs quickly; for example, pointing to one's neck and trailing a line down it means "thirsty", extending all of the finger's on one's hand and then pulling it up so that the thumb is touching one's chin means "mom", to move that up means "dad", and so on.

Talk more about Catherine and how she changed you. You talked too much in the intro ( a bit irrelevant!)
Soon enough, almost all of our conversations were in sign language, and I found myself being driven for the first time to work for something for a reason. When I began to volunteer at special needs camps, the connection I had sewn with the campers who could not speak for themselves meant more to me than any of my other friendships had. And the fact that I was so lucky to have come across Catherine, my idol, and the reason for my pursuit toward connecting with any child in need, painted my once bland canvas into a masterpiece of radiant colors and rich meaning. As the emotionally marred, backwater character in Gummo once said, "Life is beautiful. Really, it is. Full of beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you'd be dead." The beautiful gem that is Catherine taught me that each breath I take is taken for a reason; and I've found that my reason is to be the cornerstone for any person who does not have one to lean on.

You could talk about your experience learning sign language. I like how you used descriptive words like " painted my once bland canvas into a masterpiece of radiant colors and rich meaning" but you could drop in some examples on how your life became more colorful. For example, "This experience motivated me to volunteer in nearby orphanages. Helping children in need made me happy."

It is terrible (especially the ending), I'm aware. But I really don't know what to do at this point, or how to make a solid closing. Help!

Undergraduate / 'moved to Taiwan in fourth grade' - personal statement [3]

Thank you!