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Posts by ArizonaT
Joined: Jan 5, 2012		 Last Post: Jan 13, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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ArizonaT   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'becoming a Hokie is my first choice' - Virgnia [5]

What are the top five reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech?
The word limit is 250. I am at 231 right now.

"I fell in love with Va Tech the first time I visited. When I walked around the campus, I could feel the environment was magnetic. I immediately noticed the abundance of cultural diversity, which I value because interacting with different kinds of people enriches my understanding of the world. Also, the general atmosphere was of a close knit community. Everyone was so happy and proud to be a Hokie. I am also very impressed with the wide range of bachelor's degree programs that VT offers. As I put "undecided" as my major, the many options will give me the opportunity to explore different courses and identify my strengths and interests. If I walk onto campus with a specific preconception of what I'm supposed to do, I'll only be selling myself short of a true college experience. Therefore, I'd much rather embrace the unknown and discover and cultivate more of myself as an undergraduate. While I am undecided about my major, I have decided that I want to be a military officer when I graduate from college. With this motivation, I see the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets as a gateway to my future. I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet. VT's reputation stands above any other school I am considering, which is why becoming a Hokie is my first choice."

Can you critique my essay? Also, can you clearly see my five reasons why I want to attend Virginia Tech? Lasty, is my introduction boring? I feel like it is...
ArizonaT   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'becoming a Hokie is my first choice' - Virgnia [5]

Thanks for the feedback! I know I don't go into deatils that much but I am limited to only 250 words! The word limit frustuates me so much. I feel like I'm locked in a cage of some sorts...
ArizonaT   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My sister and I were born in Morocco' - Letter of special circumstances for college [11]

I like your introduction because it gives me a visual of your past. I would add a comma after years in the 2nd sentece. I would break down your 3rd sentence into two separate sentences, and I would say something about how she sacrificed her whole life instead of the expense she had to pay.

I feel like your 2nd paragraph can be omitted because it kind of goes off topic. I had a feeling as if I was reading like a wikipedia on USA's education when I read it.

"I aim to become somewhat an international engineer in the future" I wouldn't use "somewhat" and what do you mean an international engineer? Someone that works overseas or someone that is famous? I would say something like "I asipre to be an engineer in the near future..."

It would be nice to add a better trasitional word between these two sentences:"As a minority applying to the College of Engineering, I aspire to join the Minority Engineering Program. Morocco is a country where various cultures meet. " When I came across these two I was like "wait? what happened to the part I was reading?" and I was a bit confused till the end when you put "I want to bring my culture, my knowledge and skills to this program."

Get rid of "Another aspect of Purdue that immediately drew me to the university is that it has been known to produce some of the most influential alumni in the field of technology. One of these alumni is Neil Armstrong. His accomplishments not only advanced the field of aerospace science and technology, but also moved the world." in the end, because you go off topic. You are asked to write how Purdue will help you achieve your goals, not brag about someone.

Other than that I would say your essay is pretty good!
Also, you don't have to change what I had to say! I'm just giving you my opinions!
anyways, goodluck!
ArizonaT   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / "A wannabe millionaire, tuba enthusiast, and car fanatic" 250 word limit essay [12]

The prompt is what are five interesting or unqiue things about yourself.
The word limit is 250, and I am over by 10! So, please tell don't tell me to add more! I just want your opinions!

"A wannabe millionaire, tuba enthusiast, and car fanatic, I may be one of the most interesting combination of qualities and interests that has graced the face of this Earth. Not really of course, as I don't want to get too arrogant about myself. I don't know where my humble side of personality comes from, but I feel that being arrogant is a sin in someway or form. Now I shall write this little self-reflection paragraph on five, actually four because I gave one above, "unique" things about myself. People are very skeptical when I tell them this, but I never missed a day of school in my life. No, I didn't plan to receive a perfect attendance award year after year. And, I actually enjoy going to school. I'd rather be in school all day then aimlessly stare at four walls of my room for hours. While attending school, I acquired a hobby I really liked. I started playing tuba in 6th grade and I loved it so much that I asked my parents to buy me one. In return, I made the District Band every year, and I have to say it's the best clunk of metal I own, other than my car. This one is a cliché but I aspire to be a millionaire before the age of thirty. I believe that I can accomplish this through the use of a savings account I opened when I was only sixteen. The last one is unique because out of millions of college students, I'm not a college student yet."

Also, I feel like I get off track towards the end...How should I replace "This one is a cliché but ..."? and tell me if my facts are interesting or not!
ArizonaT   
Jan 11, 2012
Undergraduate / "Be nice and smile at the customers" - 250 words critique [3]

Can you critique my essay?
You will notice that I am not good with grammar, so bear with me...
I am more of a math/science guy...

This is my first rough draft!

"Be nice and smile at the customers" as my mother used to say when I started working in our family restaurant as a thirteen year old. There was no way I could have smile at anyone at that time. My heart was fueling with hatred as I had no choice but to work. I didn't want to have a full-time job ,and I certainly wasn't ready for the responsibility and stress that came along with it. I was only concern about school and extra curriculum activities. However, my negative attitude started to change as I matured. I felt obligated to help after I realized my parents were in a financial turmoil. I didn't mind working thirty-five hours a week, and I actually learned a lot of skills I needed in life from helping out. I learned how to manage a business, I developed social and relationship skills, and most importantly , I learned a good work ethic. With my work ethic, I managed to balance a demanding job in the family business with sports and school work. I dedicated another twenty-five hours a week into two sports I was so passionate about since freshman year. In return, I received All-State Honors for football and wrestling for two years in a row. I have also managed to take AP and Honor courses with a busy schedule. My work ethic pulled me through the countless sleepless nights and motivated me to maintain an A/B GPA. In the end, my work ethic has shaped who I am and is responsible for all the success I had in my life.

There's a 250 word limit on this.
and can you tell me what I'm writing about on here? I want to know if I'm conveying the correct message to my readers.
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