Posts by t3h50

t3h50

Dec 24, 2008

Undergraduate / ' the Virginia Supreme Court' - common app experience and risk taken essay [3]

I didn't really read through it, but just skimming through, here are some minor things you can fix...

"However cliché it may sound in the end, quitting or not facing your fears is truly the own way to failure." --> Do you mean only?

"Success is not a case lost or in this won, success is the feeling of satisfaction and belonging that insinuates and envelops your entire body when one has found the place in this world where one feels he belongs." --> There should be a semicolon (;) instead of a comma (,) between "won" and "success." Otherwise, it's a run-on.

"Until, the head justice spoke up and asked me, "Is that really enough evidence to support an appeal?"" --> Incorrect use of "until."

Either combine with the previous sentence like so:
Three minutes in, I continued and was amazed at not even being interrupted once until the head justice spoke up and asked me, "Is that really enough evidence to support an appeal?"

Or...don't use until:
However, the head justice later spoke up and asked me... etc.
or something like that. just an example.
In general, you need to revise those two sentences, starting from "Three minutes in"

t3h50

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / General essay question - Stories [4]

I know that most people, when writing their CommonApp essay, pick one specific experience or situation in their life and tell a story about it.

What do you guys think about telling more than 1 story in an essay? Like, 3 different short stories that all lead up to a point? Do you think it can be pulled off? Or is that a big no-no?

t3h50

Dec 30, 2008

Undergraduate / I'M A THUG-Common App Essay-My FIRST draft. [40]

4th paragraph, (one starting with "The classroom was a bit larger than most")

"The outline of her mouth gradually began to move" --> I think you left out that word.

t3h50

Dec 30, 2008

Undergraduate / Brown supplement essays (biology and medicine) [3]

Any revision suggestions are welcome.

1. Tell us about the academic areas that interest you most and your reasons for applying to Brown. (1600 characters max)

[Do I need to talk more about the academic areas that interest me most, or is what I have sufficient?]

My main academic interests lie in biology and medicine, although I also have personal interests in other areas, such as music and photography. Brown's Program in Liberal Medical Education (PLME) appeals to me, as it will not only make sure that I am sufficiently prepared for a career in medicine but will also allow me to pursue other interests at the same time. As a student who plans to continue to medical school but does not believe that specialization should restrict exploration of other areas, the PLME is an invaluable opportunity. My interests will mostly likely expand during my time in college, so I can benefit from the Brown Curriculum, which enables each student to take control of his or her own education. Because Brown does not have distribution requirements, students are able to take classes regarding subjects in which they find genuine interest; consequently, classes tend to be more engaging and efficient. I view the Brown Curriculum as an invitation to be self-exploratory during my college years. I want to be able to allow my curiosity to lead me into classes simply because I find them interesting; at the same time, I want to trust myself to be mature enough to make responsible decisions. In addition, I admire and desire to be a part of an open-minded school environment that values individuality over conformity and collaboration over competition. Due to these features, I am confident that Brown can provide me with a rewarding college experience.

2. How did you become interested in Brown, e.g., college counselor, undergraduate, relative, web site? (900 characters max)

[As I already explained why I am interested in Brown in the first essay, for this one I simply talked about how I learned about it. Does the short anecdote in the beginning serve any desirable purpose, or should I delete it? I'm not sure that part says anything that the adcoms will actually care about.]

I first heard about Brown in a casual conversation with a friend, who mentioned that John Krasinski-better known as The Office's Jim Halpert-graduated from a highly selective school called Brown. "Wow, I guess I need to start studying a whole lot more so I can go to Brown to meet smart, attractive guys like him," I joked at the time, although truthfully, I had no interest in the school since I knew nothing about it. However, the conversation planted the school's name in my mind. Years later, as I began my college search, I was reminded of its existence when I saw its name in a college guide book. Out of curiosity, I dove into the school's website. The personal testimonies of the students and faculty found on the website introduced me to the wonders of Brown and convinced me of the validity of Chris Berman's prediction: "...If you come to Brown, you'll love it for the rest of your life."

t3h50

Jan 2, 2009

Essays / Rice Supplement (something unique about my view upon communism?) [4]

What is the question? There are several Rice supplement prompts. I'm assuming it's for this one?:
"The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System is heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?"

If so, then all I have to say is that you should be yourself. Rice is looking for a diverse student body. They're going to pick here and there to accomplish their goal, so you don't know exactly what type of person will make it or won't make it--all you can do is present yourself in a true and concise way to help out the adcoms and then hope for the best. Just try to focus on the things that make you unique and also on the things that you are passionate about. Aside from that, I don't really know how to answer your question; it's a bit vague. Maybe try writing it first so we can know what you are talking about.

t3h50

Jun 19, 2009

Graduate / 'I joined a worldwide leading service oilfield company' - SOP for Master in Petroleum Engineering [4]

Well, you do seem to have a strong background in this field, but you need to carefully go through the entire essay and correct grammar and spelling errors.

Just to get you started...
paragraph 2:
"This exposure ~~have~~has"
paragraph 5:
occasions
magazine
worldwide
paragraph 6:
broaden

t3h50

Jun 27, 2009

Undergraduate / 'The dean and the award ceremony' - common app essay- open topic [5]

from the 2nd paragraph:
"Like an acne control cream that unclogs even the most congested pores, debate concealed my girly, yet seemingly shallow pursuits." --> I appreciate the attempt to include something related to beauty/cosmetics, but the comparison doesn't really make sense to me. OK, I think I get what you're trying to say, but only after having to think about it. Maybe make it more clear how the two elements are related? like... Like an acne control cream that conceals acne (or whatever) by unclogging even the most congested pores, debate concealed my girly yet seemingly shallow pursuits.

"~~And~~ My failure to make a top debater was an alarming wake-up call: Chloe, you have tested out your choices, stop spreading yourself too thin and commit to your debate career." --> Maybe a semicolon instead of comma between "choices" and "stop"?

from the 3rd paragraph: "Our specific, step-by-step policies with ample examples gleaned from indulging in the Promotion section of the tabloids heated up the otherwise dull atmosphere while the other teams slipped over with the intimidating facts they failed to fully absorb." --> At first glance, this sentence was a bit too wordy and confusing. Although at second glance, I can understand what you're trying to say, you might want to revise it and make it a bit more clear and easier to follow since college admissions readers will probably be reading through essays pretty quickly.

Also, maybe it'd be better if you were more specific as to how your "love of tabloids kicked in and gained high dividends" instead of just generally stating that you were able to use the knowledge that you got from reading the tabloids to develop your policies. What specific information did you use? Also, specifically, how did you actively contribute to the victory besides your love of tabloids? If you can remember those details and it's not a hassle to include, consider including it. Right now it's just a bit vague and I'm left relatively unimpressed. Make yourself the hero of the story.

Overall, your essay definitely conveys to me your personality and interests, so that's good. However, sometimes portions of your essay can get confusing and muddled. Work on organization, flow, and clarity.

t3h50

Dec 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "To change the world; starving African babies" UPenn supplement [10]

In the 1st paragraph, you started out talking about changing the world. I like how you tied the management/finance in the 2nd paragraph and the cultural exchange club in the 3rd paragraph back to this concept of "world." However, your last paragraph, which is about sports/tennis, does not really connect back to that theme. I think you could easily connect it though (sports are a huge part of everyday life in every part of the world) while still mentioning how you love sports and how they serve as an escape / stress reliever in your life. That way, the last paragraph does not just seem like a random thought.

OK, now for some grammar stuff:

1. "Back in the days when I was a little child maybe six years old, I always proclaimed, that I would like to change world." --> Back in the days when I was about six years old, I always proclaimed that I would like to change the world. (Make sure you remove the comma after the word "proclaimed." You don't need a comma if you're using the word "that" immediately after.)

2. I remember me sobbing in front of the television, when I first accoutered with starving African babies. [i]("accoutered with"? I don't really understand what you're trying to say there. Also, remove the comma after "television")

3. "As long as I give my best, she believes, that one day I could help the little babies." Remember, you don't need a comma before the word "that." Also, since you have been using past tense with your mother, you should continue that. So, "believed" instead of "believes."

4. ~~While~~As I grew older, I thought a lot about it.

5. "First, I wanted to become a doctor, sadly I am not able to see blood without vomiting." --> First, I wanted to become a doctor. Sadly, I am not able to see blood without vomiting." (Split into two sentences.)

6. It does sound a little bit off since people tend to believe that all business school students are money-mad, but this is wrong. (Also, I would replace "a little bit off" with something more formal.)

7. To me economical success ties in with social responsibility.

8. With the knowledge of management and finance I would not only be able ~~not solely~~to support the people in need economically, but also be able to ~~help and manage to~~ build up their economical sector with the hope that one day there will be no starving babies.

9. Further, ~~for a better future of our world~~I would need not only social responsibility ~~is necessary~~ but also cultural understanding in order to work toward a better future for our world.

10. Cultural exchange should not be a tedious topic; I would love to share my experience from my several school exchanges to Japan, France and Great Britain and tell ~~them~~ about my known cultures not verbally but in action.

11. I picture my friends and peers and I at UPenn cooking together ~~at UPenn~~ an international dinner, watching love movies from France or maybe horror movies from Thailand, and most importantly, having fun.

12. Sports ~~has~~have always helped me balance myself even in the worst and most ~~stressed out~~stressful situations; therefore, I would love to join sport clubs.

Hope that helped. Good luck! Post your revised edition!