ok i have written on this part wa too long and still i feel like something is miss or something is off!
i would be sooooo thankful if could help me out !!! thanks!
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn
Back in the days when I was about six years old, I always proclaimed that I would like to change the world. I remember sobbing in front of the television, when I was first confronted with starving African babies. After asking my mother why the baby was starving, she answered that sadly some people are less fortunate than we are, but she also told me that I could help them. As long as I give my best, she believed that one day I could help the little babies.
My hope never vanished. As I grew older, I thought a lot about it. First, I wanted to become a doctor. Sadly, I am not able to see blood. Due to my passion to take up responsibility and leadership roles, I realized the best way to help them is to study management and finance. It does sound weird since people tend to believe that all business school students are money-mad, but this is wrong. To me economic success ties in with social responsibility. Only a true successful manager understands his role in society and his great possibility to help the ones in need. With the knowledge of management and finance I would not only be able to support the people in need financially, but also to build up their economy with the hope that one day there will be no starving babies.
Further, not only social responsibility but also cultural understanding is needed in order to work toward a better future for our world. Many conflicts have evolved through a lack of understanding between cultures. Therefore, I would love to continue my work to engage more fellow peers into cultural exchange by joining the cultural exchange club or establishing a similar club. Cultural exchange should not be a tedious topic; I would love to share my experience from my several school exchanges to Japan, France, the US and Great Britain and tell about the cultures not verbally but in action. I picture my friends and peers and I cooking together on dorm an international dinner, watching love movies from France or maybe horror movies from Japan and most importantly; having fun.
As sport connects all people throughout the world (the Soccer world cup for instance), it also plays a huge role in my life. It has always helped me balance myself even in the worst and most stressful situations; therefore I would love to join sport clubs. Secretly, I hope to join the tennis team. I started playing tennis at an age of 10 and I deeply fell in love with this sport. Sadly, after I returned from the US I was not able to continue to play in my local tennis team since my school schedule interfered with the match dates. Still, I just love to go out on the court and hit some balls with my friends. To me it is not only a great alternative to bust out stress but a great way to meet new people.
In the 1st paragraph, you started out talking about changing the world. I like how you tied the management/finance in the 2nd paragraph and the cultural exchange club in the 3rd paragraph back to this concept of "world." However, your last paragraph, which is about sports/tennis, does not really connect back to that theme. I think you could easily connect it though (sports are a huge part of everyday life in every part of the world) while still mentioning how you love sports and how they serve as an escape / stress reliever in your life. That way, the last paragraph does not just seem like a random thought.
OK, now for some grammar stuff:
1. "Back in the days when I was a little child maybe six years old, I always proclaimed, that I would like to change world." --> Back in the days when I was about six years old, I always proclaimed that I would like to change the world. (Make sure you remove the comma after the word "proclaimed." You don't need a comma if you're using the word "that" immediately after.)
2. I remember me sobbing in front of the television, when I first accoutered with starving African babies. [i]("accoutered with"? I don't really understand what you're trying to say there. Also, remove the comma after "television")
3. "As long as I give my best, she believes, that one day I could help the little babies." Remember, you don't need a comma before the word "that." Also, since you have been using past tense with your mother, you should continue that. So, "believed" instead of "believes."
4. WhileAs I grew older, I thought a lot about it.
5. "First, I wanted to become a doctor, sadly I am not able to see blood without vomiting." --> First, I wanted to become a doctor. Sadly, I am not able to see blood without vomiting." (Split into two sentences.)
6. It does sound a little bit off since people tend to believe that all business school students are money-mad, but this is wrong. (Also, I would replace "a little bit off" with something more formal.)
7. To me economical success ties in with social responsibility.
8. With the knowledge of management and finance I would not only be able not solelyto support the people in need economically, but also be able to help and manage to build up their economical sector with the hope that one day there will be no starving babies.
9. Further, for a better future of our worldI would need not only social responsibility is necessary but also cultural understanding in order to work toward a better future for our world.
10. Cultural exchange should not be a tedious topic; I would love to share my experience from my several school exchanges to Japan, France and Great Britain and tell them about my known cultures not verbally but in action.
11. I picture my friends and peers and I at UPenn cooking together at UPenn an international dinner, watching love movies from France or maybe horror movies from Thailand, and most importantly, having fun.
12. Sports hashave always helped me balance myself even in the worst and most stressed outstressful situations; therefore, I would love to join sport clubs.
Hope that helped. Good luck! Post your revised edition!
Just a tidbit, don't use "UPenn", it's just "Penn" :)
haha thx a lot for the great help!
Hope that helped. Good luck! Post your revised edition!
ok i corrected the errors ... but still do you think that i am off topic?? i'm a bit afraid that my answer does not fully fit the topic..
I also post the new version. thanks in advance
and'..MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!! HOPE SANTA BROUGHT MANY GIFTS FOR YOU ALL :D
You really have to mention Penn's SPECIFIC programs and how you plan to contribute to them. It is not enough to just mention what field you want to go into. You have to talk about how Penn's programs can help you reach that goal.
if I add this paragraph
For me Wharton and the greater University of Pennsylvania community is all that. I do not know another college except Wharton who engages their students in community service via their class (Manager 100) and I think it is amazing! Still, I have to learn a lot and living and studying at Wharton will definitely help me with its diverse campus, charitable teaching philosophy and the highest academic quality.
will the text be fine or should i completly overwork the concept?
Just a thought, you might want to fine-tune the attitude of your language a little, especially because you are dealing with such delicate subject matter as starving children. I've counted the word "sadly" at least three times: "...sadly, some people are less fortunate..." "Sadly, I am not able to see blood..." "Sadly, after I returned from..." These things are sad without you pointing it out. It's your job to actually sell yourself as someone motivated, who can see the positive in unusual places and use it for the greater good, and the only way you can convey this is through your language.
Along those lines, you probably don't want to say you "secretly" want to play on the tennis team; you love tennis and want to play. It shows a lack of confidence when you feel you have to hide that which makes you happy.
Finally, the phrase, "I am not able to see blood" is awkward. It implies some sort of actual blindness (though I do think it was a good move to remove the word "vomiting" from an admissions essay). You may want to exclude the part about not becoming a doctor overall. You don't want to point out any perceived weaknesses, and it's just not necessary to your essay.
I like your addition regarding Wharton as it helps tie in your statement with the topic. Overall I think you have an excellent start that just needs tweaking. I enjoyed reading your essay and getting to know you a little in the process. Good luck to you, and have a healthy and happy holiday season.
but do you think the whole baby starving thing is too much?? my dad says i should keep it a bit more general...it sounds a bit too much?
i need honest answers..dont worry i am big girl...i will not break down if you tell me your honest thoughts :D
I personally don't think it's too much. It's poignant, and helps give some insight into your motivations.
