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Posts by Freenchy
Joined: Jul 31, 2012
Last Post: May 24, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 26  
From: France

Displayed posts: 30
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Freenchy   
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

Hi everyone !

My name is Lea and I am from France. I'm applying to school in the States this year and as you may know, the Common App 2012-2013 launches tomorrow. I've been working on my essay for quite a long time and I now need reviews, edits, feedbacks, anything that could help me improve it so it doesn't look I am a poor foreign kid that can't put their ideas together ! Well I might be exaggerating but I would need a Native speaker to proofread me.

Thank you for your help and don't hesitate to contact me !

Here's my essay on diversity

Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

"Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities"

People classify diversity through differences; ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic classes, gender, sexual orientation and even hair color, they all tend to put a label on each one of us. To me, however, diversity is the understanding that each individual is unique.

This precept comes from my childhood and the way it shaped my personality for a lifetime.

I am a banal, white, teenager living in a house surrounded by a neat white fence, in the suburbs of a big city. Nothing original nor interesting. Nonetheless, my life changed overnight when my parents decided to leave everything to go on a trip around the world, for an undetermined period of time.

I was 6 but yet I knew this adventure would change the rest of my life.

For 4 years, we traveled around the globe; from Rio de Janeiro to Noumea, I was always the kid from far away. Everytime we'd move somewhere, I had to adjust to my new environment. At first, I could only watch and learn from others because I couldn't speak any words of the language I was facing and it made realize that one has to look at the real person inside everybody to truly appreciate the human being in front of them. I got the chance to spend a few weeks with the Kanaks, a tribe from New Caledonia and learnt about their culture and beliefs. In return, my mother and I taught them how to cook a French boeuf bourguignon that we all shared as a unified community. For the first time, I was not the kid from far away anymore, I was one of them.

Obligations brought my family back to France and before I realized it, we were in a new house with a white fence, in the white neighborhood of a big metropole. Then came my first day as a freshman, in my new high school where 99% of the student body is white; I look around and realized how sad I was. I had never been this lost in my entire life; not even on my first dance recital in Vietnam, performing the "Mua Non La" -The Hat Dance-, not even in the desert of Morocco.

As a matter of fact, I might an eighteen years old white girl, living in the suburbs of a big city and from an middle-class family, it doesn't define who I am; I can't identify to one and only culture when my life and childhood has been full of ethnic diversity. My identity comes from littles pieces of life I collected along the road and made me become the grown-up I am today. Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities and my experience taught me that the best contribution you could give your community is to be yourself.

I never understood its importance until I had to live with people different from me but today, I give diversity a great value in my life because it helps me understand the real world, not just the neighborhood I live in; it gives me greater respect for those who have different beliefs and cultures.

As it is always a thrive to experience a part of a new culture and share my own, I am looking forward to meet students from a wide range of backgrounds and learn about their diversity.

My experiences pushed me towards my aspirations for my future and I know your university is the place where my opinions and ideas can flourish and lead to real motivations for a change. I would love to become a part of your community while adding to its diversity of mind and contribute to make this world a better place.
Freenchy   
Aug 2, 2012
Student Talk / French Essay- needs refinement especially on grammar [4]

Hey, here's my correction for your essay (I am French too and the last poster forgot couple things)

Le prochain gros voyagevoyageraiimportantque je feraij'iraiseraest a chez mes grands-parents dans leen Missouri. Une fois parun an, en general au printemps ou en ete, je rendais visite a toute ma famille.j'allais en general a la printemps ou l'ete. Je visitais tout de ma famille.

Je ferai ce voyage avec ma petite soeur.'irai sur voyagerai important avec me petite souer . Je partirai durant le printemps ou l'ete. J'irai sur voyagerai important a la printemps ou l'ete. Je pourrais y aller paren voiture ou par avion. En premier , Premiere j'irai a la reunion de famille. Nous ferons auronslaune grande fete avec beaucoup de nourriture bouffe (very familiar) . Ensuite , Aussij'irai visiter beaucoupalle au beacuop de musees, comme le musee d'histoire ou le musee d'art.J'irai alle au ville musee d'histoire ou le musee d'art.

Si j'aurais j'avais lesl' argent et beaucoup desle temps, j'irais laen Russie. J'adore lel' histoire de la Russie. Je voudrais voir tous lieux historiques. Si je faisais cej'irais sur cette voyage, j'aimerai y aller pour etudier a l'etranger, avec mes amis ou ma famille. j'irais avec etudier a l'etranger ou avec ma famille.Sur cette voyage,Je visiterais la capitale et je voudraisj'irais voir laCarrePlace Rouge.

J'aime faire de longs voyages, je prefere voyage tres loinet je prefere aussi la ville a la par rapport au campagne. Ce qui est le plus important pour moi c'est d'etre ouvert d'esprit !Quel est plus important a moi est je dois noter espirit ouvert.

Hope this helped !
Freenchy   
Aug 2, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

Thank you for you review, I am applying to schools mostly in Massachusetts. What schools are you applying to ?

I never understood its(what?) importance until I had to live with people different from me but today...
I wrote its because i say diversity after the comma, if i say it twice it will sound redundant and heavy, don't you think ?

Also my essay is about a hundred words too long and I don't see what i could cut out. Any ideas ?
Freenchy   
Aug 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'would not change anything' - upbringing, community and/or activities [3]

First off, you say the person I am today twice within two sentences, I would change this.
Besides, it looks good but maybe a bit too short; you're talking about your life and next thing we know you want to major in accounting. Try to find details about your experience that could make your short answer more vibrant !

Good luck !
Freenchy   
Aug 4, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

Alright, thank you so much !

What do you think of the essay overall ? I think it's good but not crazy awesome, I wish I could talk about my experiences in those countries I lived with more in depth but the restriction is bugging me. Do you think my essay answers the prompt ?

Also when I say a for a lifetime I meant it changed me forever; from this moment on, you know what I mean ?
Freenchy   
Aug 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Punch. Kick. Kick. Repeat' - briefly elaborate on one of your activities [14]

I totally loved it ! This is certainly not helpful for your short answer but I think it's important to let you know you did a great job ! I am working on my extracurricular essay right now as well and I hope you'll take a look you like you did for my essay. I don't know if there is a way of sending PM on here but I would like to correspond with you, if it possible. Should I give you my email address or something ?
Freenchy   
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Attending university classes should be required or optional-Feedback [10]

Hey, here are few mistakes I found in your essay !

'For example, I have a close friend who was in the same department withas me in the university.'

'FinallyIn the end , she gotearned very good grades when she was graduationgraduated .'

'...they can manage the time spendingspentonin classes...'

Hope it helps !
Freenchy   
Aug 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

Thank you for your review; I understand I need to have more in depth yet I don't know how I could do so. My experiences are really rewarding and I had lots of great times but nothing extraordinary happened (I mean of course backpacking around the world is crazy amazing but in terms of facts, I didn't find a mammoth wrapped with ice or something). What do you suggest I do ?

I am not applying to any Ivy League school at all, I just want to get into the schools I want to. Of course, the better my essay is, the better chance I have to get into a school.
Freenchy   
Sep 2, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why visit MUSEUMS? Learn History &Culture, Making friends [3]

I think you did a good job but I would put your personal statement ' In my point of view ' at the end since it's not what they ask you to do in the first place. I believe it adds insight to essay to give your opinion at the end !

Besides, I liked it !
Freenchy   
Sep 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'performing a traditional Thai dance' - Extracurricular Essay [15]

Here is my extracurricular essay for my Common Application

I am not a Native English speaker so feel free to correct spelling and grammar mistakes and anything else actually !

Thank you for your help :)

The first time I got on stage to perform a traditional Thai dance, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. I heard students laughing, others whispering. It didn't matter, I felt alive through my passion. This moment in time when mind flows with body in a uniform motion.

Dance has showed me how a single move can mean more than a protracted sprint. It has taught me to slip into somebody else's skin and see the world from a whole new perspective. Through my passion, I share what I was once taught and show the audience an important aspect of the Thai culture that is part of my life. Part of me.

Dance has held me fromïsleepovers, late mornings and much deserved sleep but I would not exchange it for anything. Dance is me.
Freenchy   
Sep 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'performing a traditional Thai dance' - Extracurricular Essay [15]

Thank for your opinion.
This is m extracurricular activity short answer, so yes it is quite short but that's how it supposed to be.
I would need reviews and insight on the writing and what you'd change if this were your essay.
Thanks
Freenchy   
Sep 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Going in vacation or buying a car?? [4]

I think there is a problem here 'It takes you to work every morning and carries his family to go anywhere'. You use 'you' then 'his'.

Besides that, I think your essay is quite good :)
Freenchy   
Sep 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'fired from my fast-food job' - Supplement essay to my application [3]

Hey everyone,

I am almost done with my application and the last step is supplements essay ... Since each school requires different things, I thought I'd just post the one that is the most relevant to me. I need critique, opinions, feedbacks and most of all, editing ! I am applying from overseas and it is hard to get help from here; I am in desperate need of proofreaders ! Please help me and I'll be glad to help you in any way I can !

Here it goes

Last year, I got fired from my fast-food job after giving a glass of water to a homeless man who had stumbled into the place, looking exhausted. Although I was then unemployed, I couldn't help but feel proud for helping someone in need; making a change in their lives.

The next day I sat down and thought of what I could do for my community and came up with the idea of teaching English to children from the lower classes who don't receive the education of a foreign language. My city provided a local and a week later I started to teach.

The class gathers pre-schoolers to elderly, all interested in understanding the language but also in the differences between our two civilizations. Often, the class discusses social issues and it is truly rewarding to hear what a person with totally different background than mine has to say. Every Saturday, I teach the group but I realize I have learned from them much more than I could have thought. We all understand that culture is not only about a language but the diversity of the minds and the life experiences each one of us add to it.

I got a job to make money to afford to go to college and make a change but I realize now that I already did. I mattered in my locality's life and I want to matter in ----'s community.

----'s motto reminds me sometimes it is necessary to take action and tell the world every human life is worth something. When I toured campus, I felt that ---- was the ideal academic institution for me and the place where my initiatives would grow into real changes for our community. ---- has a mountain of experiences ready to challenge me and I have the determination it takes to change our world.
Freenchy   
Sep 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'performing a traditional Thai dance' - Extracurricular Essay [15]

'Traditional Thai dance' Extracurricular Activity essay. Help a French Applicant

Hi everyone,
I am just a few days away to sending my application to the colleges of my choice and my last black spot is my Extracurricular Activity essay. I've tried editing it over and over again and it lacks thesis statement ... Would you help me with my essay ? What would you do ?

Here it goes

The first time I got on stage to perform a traditional Thai dance, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. I heard students laughing, others whispering. It didn't matter, I felt alive through my passion. This moment in time when mind flows with body in a uniform motion.

Dance has showed me how a single move can mean more than a protracted sprint. It has taught me to slip into somebody else's skin and see the world from a whole new perspective. Through my passion, I share what I was once taught and show the audience an important aspect of a foreign culture that is part of my life. Part of me.

Dance has held me fromďlate mornings and much deserved sleep but I would not exchange it for anything. Dance is who I am.

Thank you
Freenchy   
May 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Shorris's studies show the reader that a change is possible in any community [2]

Hey guys !

So my school sent me an assignment to evaluate my writing level and I would just need some of you to correct big grammar or spelling mistakes. I don't need you to change the structure of my sentences since the school wants to see what I did, I just want to get huge mistakes out of the way !

Thank you :)

After the initial relieving sensation Shorris's essay has on the reader thanks to the happy ending of the story, one starts analyzing the core of the author's work. We wonder what the purpose of his research is and what the author wants to convey by ending the paper on a light note, full of hopes towards populations from lower classes.

Is Shorris overly naĂŻve to suggest that a liberal education allows one to overcome the divide ?

Upon reading Shorris' article, "II. As a Weapon: In the Hands of the Restless Poor," a few obvious interrogations come to light. Firstly, we will ask ourselves how the power of a liberal education helps overcome the gap between opposite socio-economic classes then, we will see why education is not the answer to every issues poor people encounter.

In his paper, Earl Shorris is an advocate; he makes an apologist argument in favor of the poors and states that liberal education is "the way out of poverty". Studies from the United Nations have shown that female education and eradicating poverty work together. Needy people are likely to remain poor intellectualy because of their environment; if their relatives have never been educated, they won't feel the need to get an education to get through life. The rudiments of education are important though, and through the character of David Howell, we see how the work of Shorris affected his political life: "... I asked myself 'What would Socrates do ?' ".

However, History has proved that intelligence doesn't always come with years of collegiate studies; Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein (who was awarded the 1921 Nobel Prize for Physics) and even Bill Gates never received a degree yet accomplished great things in life.

In the text, Shorris establishes a paradoxe: "Starvation and drug addiction are both bad, aren't they ?" One can apply the same prerogative to poverty and a lack of education; people in need of money will need not spend it on educational costs when they can barely afford food for themselves. This way, young adults in poor communities will find a job, help their families out and try to survive with the little money they make instead of wasting their time in classes they are not interested in. Moreover, Shorris's paper highlights the little interest free classes attracts in poor communities "...not one of them applied for admission to the course".

Shorris's studies shows the reader that a change is possible in any community, that human beings are not defined by their classes nor living environments although the poors have a tendency to believe that education is out of their reach. The first rule of education should be: do no harm. The level of intelligence and the ability to think is not reserved for people who can afford to go to school but to anyone who is willing to put the effort into what they endeavor.

Thanks again !
LĂŠa
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