Undergraduate / Volunteer work. I signed up for Axon 2012 Service Learning. Commonapp 2.0 (be my savior) [2]

Just thought I would add few small corrections. Great essay by the way.

These days, it is usualthe norm to participate in community services. I would stay away from a phrase like 'the norm'. It is a bit too colloquial.

If you want to try and restructure the first sentence, how about this? " Nowadays, it is not uncommon to participate in community services.

Then arrived an effortful eventful/difficult month. You might want to rearrange that sentence into something like 'Then an eventful/difficult month arrived.'

So eager was my team to learn history that all my our weariness vanished. This line as well should be re-arranged. Possibly this? -> 'My team was so eager to learn that our weariness vanished.'

Undergraduate / 'My savior, Jesus Christ' Houghton College: Application Essay [2]

Not a bad start for an essay. I would try and stick more simple sentences. Sometimes short and concise is better. Also I have found that if you read your essay out loud, your ear will pick up most grammatical errors. I do look forward to seeing the final product. Hope these corrections helped.

When I was 11 years old, my brother, Travis, his wife, and their two kids took a trip to Germany. They visited to France and while they were there and explored captivating museums and parks of all sorts. They went twice to Germany twice to visitsee an old friend and would always return with exciting accounts of their trip. They also took a trip to New York several years later, which was equally intriguing to me. I would reword this sentence if you could. It seems a bit awkward. I would listen intently to the stories ofthe tales of their adventures andI really enjoyed looking at all the pictures. After their first trip to Germany, I met my first love: travel. Six years later, at 17, <this love still stands.> You might want to consider rewording this. Maybe 'I'm still in love?" After going to Mexico in December of 2011 for a week, my love for the Spanish culture and for travel only intensified. Having been born in Springfield, Missouri and living in Ozark, Missouri my entire 17 years, I've become restless. Although I will always have a love for Missouri and its diverse lands, I'm ready to gain a new perspective What do you mean by 'gain a new perspective?' that I haven't found in Missouri, as well as a change of scenery. I've always had an interest in the East Coast and specifically New York. With Houghton being located there, it's a great way for me to experience something fresh and new.

Undergraduate / Josh Davis's influence on me/Common App Essay [2]

With your a cap on your word count I tried to only correct and/or modify sentences if it would result in less words.That's why I didn't even touch your last two paragraphs. I hope this is helpful.

Swimming is a huge part of my life. The sport has done a lot for me, and without it I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. So in finding someone with the most impact on me it naturally is someone from the swimming worldI would try to reword that sentence, it's a bit awkward . Former American swimmer Josh Davis influenced my life both inside and outsideof the pool. I met Josh Davis at the Breakout Swim Clinic run by Mutual of Omaha. At the age of twelve I was just getting started in the sport. I had no idea who he was until he told us. Josh Davis's speech on how he got involved with swimming, how to really improve in the water, and on what it really meant to be a swimmer resonates with me to this day.

In Naperville, most swimmers get their start at ages as young as six. So by starting at twelve I was a little behind the competition.So far behind kids who were nine were faster than me.<----What are you trying to say? I wasn't sure how long I was going topursue swimingfor . I tried many other sports but nothing seemed to fit. Then Josh Davis told me howabout the start of his swimming career began . He told mesaid he started when he was thirteen and trying out for his local high school team. The coach told him to quit and go find another sport because he sure wasn't a natural swimmer. Obviously Josh didn't quit and went on to win three gold medals in the Olympics. I was never gifted atnever had any stand out natural talent in any sport. Josh told me I didn't need to rely on talent; I could work hard for success. I've applied this to all areas of my life not just swimming.

Undergraduate / 'Massive and spotless house' - UC Personal statement prompt [3]

You have a lot of great thoughts here. The content is good but you need to be careful about writing long wordy sentence. It is better to have simple short simple sentences than a complex long one. I hope these corrections can help. Also please look at the last few sentences of your second paragraph. It seems like you are trying thought for one sentence. Also if you can read it aloud. That is also a great tip, because the ear catches a lot of mistakes.

Before the sun rises,E very Saturday and Sunday morningweekend before the sun rises, I drag myself out of bed and get ready for another day of work with my mother. Together we scurry around the house before 7 a.m. and then state a time when you head out to the carat blank time we head forth to the car where we await a 50 minute drive we finally arrive at work.until our destination . My mother speaks very little English, so I am both her translator and personal assistant duringweekendthose two days . She worksD uring the week, she works at a local preschool location in our community, but in order to keep up with expenses weboth she and I drive out 50 miles to babysit and clean for a little extra money. Sometimes the simplest sacrifices can lead to most influential life lessonslessons in life and I continue to commit to assisting my family when things get tough.I would reword that sentence.

While my mother leaves the massive house practically spotless, I am held accountable for a set of twins that are 18 months old and their younger sister that is only about 3 months old ( Please consider rewording this sentence. It's a little bit wordy. . I begin my routine by preparing each child's breakfast and bottle of milk precisely warmed up to 20 seconds no more or less. After they are fed, it is time to change their diapers and spend time interacting with them with either games or toys in the playpen. When dealing with these kidsthe children I have to quickly transition from being a responsible caretaker to a buddy that will be able to play hide and seek with them around the couch.Although It is rewarding to see their smiles each and every weekend but byat the end of the day, like any job, it is extremely tiring.

However, seeing my mother's work ethic first hand, has shaped me into a more capable human being. In that, I now possess the dedication to not only accomplish the task at hand but excel at it.

However being able to experience the work ethic of my mother, I have been shaped into a more capable individual that will not only get the job done, but will go beyond expectations. I now see the importance of doing a job well done not only for the gratification (word choice?) of the boss but also for self-satisfaction in knowing I was successful in what I was doing. Knowing how my parents have to struggle through life and still how much pride they take into each and every task motivates me to doing exactly the same in whatever I do. This mindset was embedded in me since the day I realized how dedication and effort leads to greatness.

These experiences also taught me how to be more responsible because I am not only in charge of myself during those moments, but in charge of three other individuals that need more attention than the usual. I am now able prioritize my responsibilities more efficiently throughout my lifetime in both my labor and transition these lessons into my academics.

Undergraduate / How debating changed me - Commonapp Extracurricular short essay [4]

I agree with Angela it is a very well written. Maybe it's just me but the following sentences struck me as odd. Maybe they're passive?

Competitively arguing, critically analysz ing opponents' arguments and yet speaking clearly and concisely was required of me so that our team could win. Hours of practice enunciating words and jargon required for certain topics was necessary.

Book Reports / A Critique of "The Untouchables" by Thomas L. Friedman [2]

I enjoyed reading your thoughts and your perspective. I added corrections and tips that I hope you will find helpful. I concentrated on grammar and syntax. Good luck on this critique.

How reliable are jobs now a daynowadays ? Since America is mostly made up of the middle class, the jobs that the class have are limited especially for the lower middle class. I edited what you had, but the way your sentence regarding the middle class was written, I thought I might offer an alternative.

Due to the fact that America is predominantly comprised of the middle class, with only jobs geared toward the lower middle class. I must inquire, how reliable are jobs nowadays?

With the use of technology and globalization, jobs today are becoming harder to maintain because of the supply and demand.

Meaning the more of a specific job is needed the more workers are required for that job, but the question remains, is there anyone adequate enough to fulfill that job.?

I am not sure what you are trying to state in the sentence above.

With thehigh demand and competition for the middle class jobs there is alwaysa need to stand out, and improve the skills required. Try and reword the last part of that sentence.

A piece from a book called The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century written by Friedman statesword choice, try illustrates, shows, etc. the disadvantages and advantages with globalization and the need for the middle class.

He points out, that "There will be plenty of good jobs out there in the flat world for people with the right knowledge, skills, ideas, and self-motivation to seize them" (239).

Not only does the middle class in America need their jobs, but also those in an other countryieslikesuch as Sweden or India will want and need thatthose same jobs .

If the employer does not like the work that is being done by the employee's work , that employeeperson can easily lose his/her job and be replaced by someone more competent and skilled.another that can do a lot more, and bring creativity to that job

How would someone classify globalization? Who is affected by globalization?
Friedman answers these questions by stating that today the young workers will not only be competing withagainst other Americans, but with other young workers from across the globe.

Now not only td o workers have to fight for jobs, but they also tomust fight to keep their jobs and gainwhile learning new skillspertinent to their occupation.for that job.

Friedman advises to his girls, "finish your homework-people in China and India are starving for your jobs" (239).
It a very well-played outconsider a different choice of words, maybe very good advice, simply because of the fact that there will always be someone out there who is smarter, greaterbetter , best and cheaper worker, who will most likely take away the job.cheaper to hire.

Friedman makes good statements and sets [i]his words out in a way to capture his readerstry rewording this, it's too passive trycaptivates his readers? in hope that they understand by mentioning his girls,

and a part in a movie called Death of a Salesman.
Friedman has made very reasonable topic calledthis sentence is incomplete "The Untouchables"; to Friedman the untouchables are part of the middle class,
but they are the people whose jobs will not be "outsourced, digitized, or automated" (239).

AlsoTt here isarean other factorsto look atmy suggestion is to use 'consider' hereas well, though most jobs like a telephone receptionistsmightmay lose their jobs because of the simple use of recording and voice mail.answering machines and voice mails.

The untouchables are placed into three categories; the first being the special group, the localized and the old middle jobs.
The special groups mostly consist of athletes, singers, authors, and brain surgeons.
He mentions that this group is considered special because the world is in such demand for this group.
Constantly tT he group constantly continues to change and become more creativeinnovative? with their work that they do .
While the localized group mostly made of barbers, maids, plumbers, and dentist;
they are called localized because they require being face-to-face with their clients and stay where they will beare needed.

Lastly there is the old middle, which contains jobs like an assembly line worker or accounting.
Insert somewhere that the following sentence is Friedman's idea, otherwise your next sentence doesn't make sense These jobs can easily be automated and digitized. I completely agree with the statement . this idea

Today people searchinglooking for jobs cannot find one in their fields will not find any because therecountry is not in demand for that particular job.

Often the world is in demand for one job, but has more supply for another.
These sentences do not flow seamlessly into each other, consider rewriting the prior.
For example, every country is in demand for doctors, but there are not enough in supplyto meet this need .
Friedman compared the American economy to a bell curve, with a big bulge in the middle.
His opinion is that the middle class is the bulge in the middle.
The middle class is what frame most of America, the backbone and pillar.
If the middle class cease to exist the economy of America will plummet downward.
The country would become unstable.
The economy cannot become a ' barbell' economy, which is uneven and weighs on to sides nothing in the middle to balance it all out.
I would try another analogy, barbells typically are balance there is weight on both sides equally dispersing the weights, unless the user sets it up uneven.

Though I would disagree simply because I know for a fact the America is mostly made of middle class citizens, but Friedman is not giving me enough facts to back up the source.

He just gives a quote by Gene Sperling, who actually argues and states, "We either grow together or we will grow apart" (241).

What jobs will be available in the new middle? What types of skills are needed, and which are no longer reliable?
Friedman has made reasonable and logical point to focus on the middle class of America.
He questions others to ponder whether or not the job they currently have is abundant or if they themselves are adequate enough for that job.

He gives an insight on the new middle class and what jobs will be available to keep or stick to.
Though he did not give a decent response as to how the middle class is a backbone to America, but he gives an appealing warning through his work.

Undergraduate / 'Repairing the Local Area Network' - University of Texas at Austin SOP 2013 [3]

Thanks I will add those to my essays. Thank you