Posts by FortuitousMW

FortuitousMW

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / UC application prompt; personal statement: you come from - My hometown is Taiwan [7]

I need some quick advices for this essay since the due day is Friday. I am still editing the last two paragraphs, I will upload it later. But you can still give me advices on this incomplete one.

I'll be very thankful for you help, thank you!!!

personal statement: you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

My hometown is Taiwan which is a small island located in the far eastern region of Asia. I live most of my time in shihlin, a prestigious district in Taipei. I have an unforgottable sensation to this region. Shihlin is well-known for its bustling night market, large natural recreation parks and profound, heartfelt neighbor relationship. The versatility of my growing backgrund have shaped my personality and inspire my life goal for future. The meaning of Shihlin in Chinese is "the Town of Schlors" which originated from that many famous schlors, poets and literatures in history were from this town. The deep, subtle influence of Shihlin culture have encouraged me to pursuit a definitive goal in my life.

I firmly believe that Taiwan is a big home to me. I am familiar with everything here, I enjoy living in this small but affluent country with abundance in culture and humanity. I consider three places as my homes. The home in Taipei is my permanent shelter, Taichung and Chiayi are homes for me to live for a short period. My dad's machine company moved to Taichung 9 years ago. My family used to visit that county during my semester breaks. Taichung has become home since my dad stays there long time for his business.

It is easy for Taiwanese to go back and forth between counties. My mom was just like any other people from countryside moved into Taipei to seek a better future. She brings a different culture to me. She teaches me the hardship of agriculture society and telles me to cherish things I own; to love people who treat me well. My dear aunt who live in Chiayi to abide by her responsibility, she takes care of my grandparents and it seems as her ultimate goal. Unfortunately, she is now suffering pain and torture from the notorious womb cancer.

She sees it as her final day is near, seems give up the hope of fighting cancer. My aunt is just like my second mom who concerns about me and takes care of me when I visit her in Chiayi. My mom one time tells me this,"you are good at inspiring people." Those light words ignite the altruism of my heart. I start to call my aunt regularly. Within minutes of brief yet long disance calls, I am not only helping her to turn more optimistic, aunt also give me a rare chance to discover myself. I use numerous methods include psychological tools to suasion my aunt's obdurate attitude. After all, I have a dream of becoming a knowledgeable professional psychologist and nutritionist.

FortuitousMW

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / "MY ART" - My Greatest achievement in life has been my greatest failures throughtout life [2]

Hi, AlisonHarr9, I think the best part of your essay is that you clearly describe the "painting" event. That means you really focus on one specific event and not to story from the topic. That is really good.

Parts that I don't really like about your essay are:
1). You have some "tiny" spelling errors. Such as tacher = teacher, lern = learn and srtists = artists
2). It is better to write complete sentence in the beginning sentences. key words of your topic are "achievement" and "failure". I don't really know your are talking about achievement and failure since "winning" and "losing" have no relate with those two things. They sound more like you were having a match in your painting.

However, I learned something from reading your essay :) I now have a basic idea on how to describe an event specifically. I often describe many similar events in one essay, that's sometimes worse than those describe one event throughout the whole essay, isn't it.

Wish You the Best!
-FortuitousMW-

FortuitousMW

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / UC application prompt; personal statement: you come from - My hometown is Taiwan [7]

Thank you so much for you applauses, delegate and mzontario, you guys actually make me feel more confident about this essay. :-)
Just out of curious, do you think this essay is a bit wordy, cuz I describe my aunt's cancer too detail that I don't have space to write more.

Or, do you think it is good that I didn't really clearly mention the paragraph topic, I just describe a big picture and make it into several paragraphs, is that a good separation, the paragraph I mean. :(

Do I have any grammar mistakes or sentence misplace problems.

Can you give me more advices, please. Thank you!

FortuitousMW

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / My first time; my uncle was unexpectedly injured by a gunshot [2]

I think some of your sentences could be better, so I do a bit sentences review for you, here they are:

"After that day, I always imagine a way I could have helped. As I matured, that memory would haunt me and I needed a way to calm my mind."

After that frightened experience, there is an idea winding around on my heart that I illusional thinking I could get helped from someone. This unforgettable memory was haunting me and I was attempting to find a way calming myself down."

Through donating blood, I was able to save someone's life, and it was a rewarding feeling.
Through donating blood, it brought me strong feeling of rewarding(beneficial) that I was able to save someone's life.

To further overcome my fear, I would imagine myself in the same situation of needing blood, and I would want others to donate blood
To further overcome my fear, I imagine/illusion myself in the same situation as those lack of blood patients, then I find myself to have a intense desire wanting others to donate their bloods as well.

easy and simple are kind of meaning the same.
Although giving blood was easy and simple to do, it could make a big difference in someone's life. Starting that day, I searched for opportunities to donate blood and I did it whenever it was possible.

Giving blood was an easy thing for healthy people to do, it could have make big differences on patient's life. Starting from the day I understand the real meaning of donating blood, I strived to search for opportunities to donate blood whenever my health/body was available/allowed.

FortuitousMW

Nov 29, 2012

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2- "Relationship led to patience" [5]

Really???? It's only your brainstorm. It looks more like a complete essay. I seriously in love with your writing style. (Haha, too flattery!)
Here's a flaw on your essay. Your essay talks more about you "OPINIONS" than yourSELF. Your thoughts on relationship and patience are great because you actually tells me about your personal quality. However, I think focus more on your "solid achievement, accomplishments" is better.

P.S. you can use this draft as the first draft. As a brainstorm, It is excellence.
P.S. you told me that you live in Shihlin, too. Which school are you attending? TAS, TES, TAPA, or local high schools. we can probably get to know each other more. Haha

FortuitousMW

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2- "Relationship led to patience" [5]

TAS(Taipei American School), TES(Taipei Europe School) and TAPA(Taipei Adventist Oreoaratory Academy) are Internation Schools in Taipei. I am studying in TAPA. :))) so you are now living in Texes or CA? Which state do you like more?

How many UC schools you were applying? I only applied 5 of them because I also apply some schools in the east coast. :D

FortuitousMW

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / UC application prompt; personal statement: you come from - My hometown is Taiwan [7]

I finished my application process already, but I still want some feedbacks on this one. So that I can write better essays for other schools next time. :-D

I will be very appreciate in any comments that you give me!!!

Living in Taiwan, counties and family
My home is Taiwan, a small island located in the far eastern region of Asia. I live most of my time in shihlin, a prestigious district in Taipei. I have an unforgottable sensation to this region. Shihlin is well-known for its bustling night market and heartfelt neighbor-ship. The meaning of Shihlin in Chinese is "the Town of Scholars" which originated from that many famous scholars, poets and literaturers in history were from this town. The deep influence of Shihlin cultures have aspirated me to pursuit a definitive dreams in my life.

I consider three places as my homes. The home in Taipei is my permanent shelter; Taichung and Chiayi are homes for me to live for a short period. Because my dad's machine company moved to Taichung 9 years ago, my family used to travel to that county during my semester breaks. Therefore, Taichung has give me a strong sense of doing business and travel around. It also provides me another place to travel other than Taipei. However, I want more than just traveling in Taichung and Taipei. They give me a dreaming space that I want to travel all over the world when I can afford my travel expenses.

My mom, she was from Chiayi, a county located in south Taiwan. She came to Taipei for a better future. My mom grew up in countryside, She taught me the hardworking of agriculture society and told me to cherish things I own; to love people who treat me well. All of these have shape me to build my dream and guild my mind to set up my final goal. My mom's teachings made me think of those healthy, sincere farmers. They live with natural; they eat what this land give them. I have a desire to live like those farmers. I want to eat healthy and I wish to give everyone a chance to eat natural foods. This aspiration shape my dream of becoming a nutritist.

My mom has an older sister, my aunt, she was recently suffering from the womb cancer. I was shocked to hear the news. After a brief shocked, I soon calm myself down and think of any ways that I can encourage aunt to stand up and fight for the disease. Those movement was first inspired by my mom. She told me that I am good at inspiring people. Her word completely ignite the altruism of my heart. I started to call my aunt regularly to make sure that she stayed positive. Within minutes of brief yet long disance calls, I am not only helping her to turn more optimistic, aunt also give me a rare chance to discover myself. I found out that I am actually good at inspirate people just like what mom said to me. This made me so happy because I found joys in helping my aunt. I wish I inspirate more people in future.

Wherever I go in future, Taiwan is still the warmest place to me. This land gives me numerous memories, Shihlin night market, Taichung, my mom and my aunt, they formed my views for this community; they shape my dream, and my aspirations in future.

FortuitousMW

Nov 30, 2012

Undergraduate / UC prompt . A illness body and an empathy attitude [2]

A illness body and an empathy attitude
Personal Statement: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

i need some feedbacks to write better esday for other schools, so any comments are welcome!

I was a premature baby which led to a permanent illness. I was one of the twins sister. Medically, one of the twins baby would have birth defect, especially premature baby. Therefore, I was diagonised as a Cerebral Palsy child. Cerebral Palsy is not only caused my legs' tendon were tighter than other infants, but also gave me an additional symptom of a 1000 degree of high myopia. Since I understood that my body was very different than people at my age. I started to wonder who I was? Why did I have this illness, but others did not have it?

"Empathy" was a strange word to me. I considered myself an indifferent person. When I saw beggers sat on the street, I wouldn't even took a glance of them as I walked by; when my mom asked me to give some coins to handcaps or helped organizations to execute its projects, it didn't seems like a big deal if I refused mom's requests. It did sound ironic when I did so many community services at school, but did not show any mercy to needy people outside the school.

One day, after I came home with full of joys and can't wait to share with my parents. As I was going to speak, I saw my mom was weeping. Tears were urged to came out from the limit space of the lower eye part and followed a perfect cheek arc to slips down to her smooth neck. She looked really grief and ugly. I asked mom with an empathy tone, what happened? she answered me that she had a fiercely argument with my dad. At that moment, I didn't know what to do and how to calm her emotion down because I had never been in this situation before. It took a few weeks for mom to forgive the whole thing. During this period, I had sometimes to persuade her to forgot what dad had done for her, I had to say it very gentle so mom would received it. One time, she told me with an firm tone that people who had similar situation as her might be even worse than what she encountered, I had to concern more about them than herself. She wanted me to maintain my empathic attitude toward everyone who really needs help.

Even though helping my mom overcame her angryness and helpless feelings was not easy, I did found out another me who I never know before. The another me was empathic. Maybe I did things that showed my empathic before, but I never resized it until I solved my mom's problem. Now, empathy is an important quality of mine, I will keep using this unique quality to solve more problem in future.

FortuitousMW

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / To walk; Common App personal essay [3]

The essay is for common app personal essay.

To Walk

I have walking problem. My feet tendons are naturally tight. It would be very difficult for me to dance like a normal ballet dancer. They have keep their musical soft and warm, but I have stiff, cool legs that makes me move un freely. However, this shortage didn't make me withdraw from the performance trial. I signed up for the ballet performance elect sheet and waited for notification of school. At the day of pre-act, I still couldn't overcome the tightness leg, then my name was abolished from the list. That was happened when I was 3 grade.

I visited a Pediatric Orthopaedist. Sitting on a circular-shape stool let the doctor tastes my leg function by his hand, then I watch him quickly draft the pen go though the a paper and put it into my medical record folder. He arranges a Motion Analysis examination for me. It is a professional examination for Cerebral Palsy kids who are going to have an operation. During the outpatient service, the doctor tells me a cruel fact about my illness: I will never be a normal person because CP will influence my entire life, the only way to alleviate the pain of tightness tendon is to exercise all the time.

The bloody fact harasses my nights. I keep on thinking I am a doubtless handicap, I can no longer dance with that pretty ballet clothe. No only that, I will never be treated as those normal kids, all those negative thoughts full of my mind after the diagnosis.

I've ironically grown healthier than other people. It enhances my potential. Being a defect young girl has certainly advantages. Rehabilitation is the best way to relieve the tightness of my legs. It also helps me to maintain the best body shape. I also emphasize on dietary for not eating too much, so I can walk easier. My friends and other peers also admire on my fit body shape because I exercise more than people at my age. I am asked to do exercises regularly while others are crezy in those fashionable losing weight therapies.

I used to long for strong confident people encourage me to have strong will and faih, in other word, I customary asked people giving me help without doing any of trials. However, my confident grows when I reslize that I have better physical advantages than others.

I have several questions for this essay:
1)). I don't know which topic is suitable for this essay, please give me some advices. There are topics that I choice for that essay:

1). Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
2). A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

3). Topic of your choice.

2)). Please check my grammar, word usage.
3)). Is this a good topic (to walk/walking) for this essay? Should I change? If yes, please give me some ideas and thoughts.
4)). Overall suggestion.

Thanks!!!

FortuitousMW

Dec 28, 2012

Undergraduate / To walk; Common App personal essay [3]

Thanks for your comment, koliva223. :))) I will pay more attention on those details that you give me.

FortuitousMW

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Essay on Bill McKibben ; McKenna/ Leadership [3]

I am impressed by your profound thoughts. I like the example that you wrote in the essay, I show clearly that you did truly understand this person.

However, the example is "fact" . I think you give too much facts in this essay. From my reading to the topic, I think the college wishes you give them not only a specific "leader" with specific "events" that he/she did to make you think he/she is a suitable speaker, but also they want to know what influences does this "leader" will bring to Claremont Mckenna students.

If you can add this point to your essay, it will be really perfect. :)))