Undergraduate / 'World around my little brother' - Stanford-what matters to you, and why? [17]

just a small note:
you might want to change tenses a bit... it might look like as your brother is in epileptic fits, you're just typing away on the keyboard looking down at him

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? Quirks. - Swarthmore College [3]

no way u'll fit that into 2000 characters. There's no way I can critique an essay that is going to be cut into halves, because then it will lose its overall central theme and details.

Really focus on what it is about Swarthmore you loved and elaborate on it.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Haha, thanks, and no, I didn't use a single dictionary and thesarus.
What did you THINK it meant?
Because essentially, the essay really details the concept of religion throughout my life and throughout my struggles, but as I came to the realization as per my friend, I chose to forget the burdens I grew up with and find the answers to questions for myself.

Can you sorta see that from my writing, or is that too obscure of a conclusion?

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Preface: I am not trying to attack back or anything in that realm of expectations, and as hard as it might be to think about, this is purely from one mature individual to another.

Simply put, I don't really agree with your sentiment. I don't think you put enough effort into actually understanding my essay. I've sent it to dozens of people, and granted while they were my age, each of them took something different from it, a different conclusion and meaning that were all slightly correct. There is a logic behind my essay and there is not simply one message, one theme as it might appear, so for you to have taken absolutely nothing from it and say that it makes absolutely no sense, in my eyes, discredits the actual substance of your critique. I don't think you actually tried, so much as sat there and waited to be cynically impressed by someone.

Now I'm not here to just attack you and say that I completely disavow the errors you saw in my essay. No, something else about what you said and your presence irked me. This has no longer become one person reviewing another's essay, but a matter of actual beliefs and views for the future.

I take issue with the fact that you think I "tried" to write on a high level. In fact, I also even take issue with how Th25cc thought I used a dictionary or a thesaurus. But for you, I also take issue with the fact that you think I'm trying to get into college, that my entire goal here is to write about a time that I rebelled so predictably as just another teenager against their parents because I was "on the cusp of freedom" for the first time.

I'm not here to badger you and say that "oh you don't know my story" or "you don't understand who I am". And I can understand that based on the probability of, I'm sure, the kids you've seen and the questions you've been asked by kids across the country through your website for advice on admissions into ivy leagues, the specific probability in my case that I am just another kid just trying to write on a "high level" to impress you is indeed high. But I'm concerned that because of that overwhelming probability, you might start to be lacking in taking essays to be, for some people, what they truly are: a chance for them to speak out anything about themselves to anyone willing to read it. It represents them on a much deeper level and it's a much more serious task for them; it's not an appeaser piece of writing. And you don't EVER want to be that person who overlooked something right in front of your face that told you so much more than you initially took it to be. It makes you look foolish.

So on my part of things, I'll tell you a small background of my essay. And even though I might not get the chance to tell college admissions what I'm telling you... I don't really care. That's not where my priorities lie, and the fact that I'm telling you despite that should reflect the accuracy of why I don't really care.

To imply that I'm just another teenager that's predictably rebelling against his parents is... not only disingenuous to my story but to each and every teenager whose story is not confined to such a quick write-off. I talked about a lot of things in my essay... family, friends, security, insecurity, religion, philosophy, self-doubt, my thoughts on background, a detailing of this one aspect of who I am (if you'll notice too, the essay I sent is way over the 500 word limit) and who I've been in the past 17 years, and most of all, self-direction. And while I'm not afraid to say that I am abused, I am hesitant to say that it's not just another abuse story and overcoming my odds for fear of quick conclusions in the opposite party. I took so much from my life, and while I can't get into details, from that I'm trying to attempt something on the scale of which the human race has never seen. And while that might not be prevalent in my essay at all, I might just be that person who ends up defying your expectations and everyone's expectations for that matter, and you can't write off your own inaccuracy in predictions based on probability; because that's disingenuous to YOU as a capable person as well.

As I wrote this essay, I spent my entire winter break sitting in a room and thinking about all that I wanted to say, and as well reflected in my word count, I found it hard to say something that truly meant something to me and no one else in just 500 words. At that point, I didn't care about colleges or anything, because because it mattered to me, it mattered to me; I saw a task for myself to personally overcome, and I didn't stop sitting in my dark room alone, silently, with no one in the house in the early mornings of each day thinking and simply using a thesaurus. There is a logic to what I've constructed, and what I've constructed, while I agree that the execution in one main message is poor, has perfectly executed a different meaning to each person, because there is continually something to take from it. And every single sentence there is exactly how I wanted to say it, because it would not mean the same thing in any other way. I can't tell that to admissions now, but like I said, I don't really care. Everybody who has read my essay so far has said something along the lines of beautifully constructed sentences... and I think that's a reflection not on my ability, but on me. Because everyone has his own rhythm and their own poetry, and I somehow found a way to tap my own. So excuse my "high level" of writing, because I didn't exactly intend it. But at the same time... I wrote a piece that, like myself, cannot be confined to a limit, a quick glance. The fact that you think it's undecipherable gives credence to this, and gives less credence to the notion that you think it's undecipherable, because from your words, you do think that it might have meant that I'm just in a rebellious stage, but didn't give much thought to it. I am not some pretentious free thinker who thinks that vagueness is "art" or so and so... there is a logic that I've tested and tried, and it does (somewhat) work to this effect. It's this sort of feeling that I truly despise... because I can never truly be defined by my accomplishments, and when I do write, I never want anyone to judge me by the simple inaccuracies of the commonplace, of what most people do.

I am not most people, and I never can be. It's a struggle I will continue to have until my death, and it's the fight I am always trying to win. But it's a tiring battle... and at times like these, I can't help but feel fruitless. So forgive me, and I don't necessarily want you to reread my essay, but I just want you to possibly look for something more in the future essays that you do read. While most others may not be able to convey their feelings or even take the task of the college essay to mean that much... there will always be someone who can and does (I may not be the capable person I describe, but as per good ol' probability, I am confident in saying that that person exists).

Side note: Also, writing that you "hope this helps" on every single review you have on this website does not actually mean, or at least help us to interpret, that you mean it. And coupling that with advertising of your website, REALLY doesn't help us to think that you mean it so much as methodically typing it to lessen any harshness (unnecessary or otherwise) in your reviews.

@Th25cc
Ah well, I guessed that by chance, and by the word "church", the reader might have guessed that it was Christianity. Although, would it have mattered if I said which religion I was talking about? Because I thought that was a point I made; it doesn't matter which religion it is.

But I also have to say that I did NOT embrace a specific religion... I thought I was clear that I let go of my background in religion and sought to learn more about others?

I agree with the balancing sentence length and complexity thing :/

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

I think you completely missed the point of that entire long section I typed out just for you...
"will put much effort into trying to understand your essay?"
"over thought this essay"
"I understand you put a lot of work into it"
"do not have the luxury"
"lucky for you"
"Applicants really need to understand"
"to make a solid impression"
"trying..." and "overly philosophical"
"-AAO"
"why so many Valedictorians or students with a perfect 2400 SAT or students with a perfect 4.0 GPA"
"will wow the reader"
"how you could have conveyed your message in a clearer way"
What do YOU think my message was? I can only guess through your advertised website that you've met... many of the same repetitive things (which, by the way, could you please elaborate on which Ivy League you were at? I can't find any information at all about you, and the more I look, the more suspicious I obviously become; I don't necessarily mistrust you, but I don't find much... urging to actually trust you).

Who do YOU think I am?
And what do YOU think I'm trying to do, at this point in the scope of the rest of my life? Because obviously, I already sent in my essay.

There's the argument that I'm not doing myself any good by purposefully writing this way, and there's a certain amount of disdain for those who say "well I don't care anyways" and hold their head up high in their own flagrant ignorance of what could have and possibly should have been. But that's not the point here, at this moment. What do you think is my purpose right now?

You know, I guess it'd be easy to reject me, of course. In the span of all that could have been, that I was completely unaware of what I could have done to make my dreams come true, it'd be easy to mark me off as just another person who foolishly got in his own way. A person who refuses to take someone else's advice because of his own blinding arrogance, and falls because of that, is what we call "karma" and is what we want to be the natural order of things. But what if I recognized what I could have done before I needed to do it? The choice was there and it was at my discretion, and I think it should reflect that the things you think I care about... well you're just plain wrong. It's not a matter of capability; I know that if I'm rejected, I can still feel at peace knowing that in some alternate universe, I did write that one essay that got me in. I know that I can do it, so that's not the issue. It's not a matter of self-opportunity; that would be completely selfish of me, to seek help and write in any which way possible that might get me in, even if it did not accurately represent who I am. Because there are others who will write genuinely and convey their messages better than I did, who deserve it more than I do thusly, and therefore, I will gladly step out of the way and let them take their shot at glory. And it's not a matter of philosophy or impressions or clarity; that'd be simply too easy and fake. When you understand what you can do with your own present strength, it's your human obligation to risk it all for something even greater. Too many sacrifices have been made for you to settle for anything less.

No, this is a matter of divinity, of a miracle. The risks I take that hurt my chances, I take full-well knowing. I have the prerequisites to get into my dream schools... but like I said, it's not a matter of capability. When you want to do something so unimaginably great that no one in the history of mankind has ever attempted before... and the odds so slightly line up in your favor that you can see a path before yourself to take, it's really, really easy to doubt these conclusions you've led yourself to. I'm not sure if you might even understand the feeling I'm talking about, because odds are, you don't. So naturally, I need to understand what I was placed here on Earth to do, and when I sense a sense of fate in the mix, well... to put it simply, I need to test that. Now, what do YOU say to that?

My point here is that... it's ok to simplifyingly (I made that up just now; I realized I've been doing that ever since I started college essays) box people up in your mind, but always leave the possibility for them to escape. You start to desensitize yourself when you've gotten to where you are today... and arrogance or ignorance, faithlessness, rambling, ruts, and an unchanging, unanticipated self are all possible results. Because Kevin, why don't you even feel the need to attempt to understand essays that you don't understand? I'm not talking specifically about my essay, but I still get the impression that you like to be "wowed" a lot. It's dangerous, what you're doing. I can understand that most kids who ask you to have their essays read don't have any extra meaning jammed in there, and most of them can fit well within your expectations... but if you're going to go out there to read and critique THEIR essays on a free, public forum, I don't think you're allowed to try and come off as earnestly intending to hope that your critiques help, what with the continuous advertising. Because normally, you'd just be sitting there busily, waiting to be wowed, hastily critiquing a lot at first glance; that's excusable by itself. But now you're searching for these essays on your own free time, which I think defeats the whole point of an earnest, good, intentionally in-depth critique in the first place. Fitting the critique process in accordance with how most admissions will read it is not really an excuse, because in reality, they don't do it as quick as you. YOU chose to do this job right now, so whether you like it or not, it's a responsibility to do it right. You can accept the role of purely the reviewer or purely the admissions adviser or purely the advertiser; any middle road would be hypocrisy and a muddled, perhaps misleading interpretation of words/intentions from those whose essays you do end up reviewing. In my eyes... you have such great opportunity to understand, and therefore, a power to change. Please, please don't take that lightly.

I sincerely thank you for allowing me a derived insight into the general future and the dangers to look out for; it's not every day that I get a chance for such in-depth and exploratory thought.

I'll let you know how my decisions go.
P.S. Personally, I thought the essay in your link was good, but not anything particularly special. I've seen dozens like it. Maybe that might give you some insight into my own decisions.

P.P.S. i might be wrong. I just wanted to let you know that that thought has never left my mind in every waking moment I've been alive.

P.P.P.S. As soon as I finished all of the above, I saw enigma's post.

@enigma33: I guess you hastily read things and made up your mind about it all before you were half-done. So, 1. He's not an admissions officer at Harvard, he explicitly says so. And 2. "because in the end this is you and you don't need their approval to feel good about yourself", I explicitly explain that distinction and clarify that above, and 3. "Telling you how to improve your essay is of no use now but never lose hope " I guess then, we are fundamentally different people with fundamentally different views/beliefs/priorities about this world.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Actually, I have questions about your questions. Where does it say that I found refuge in another church...?
And I wouldn't outright say that it necessarily takes time... it just doesn't take a quick read.
Just wondering, are you one of those people who puts a lot of emphasis on thesis statements?
The God I reference? You mean the fickle part? I was talking about how God was much more blurry and not concrete as my parents thought of it (color to black and white, embraced it towards another end, militantly, boxed text, ambiguity, blurred face, paradoxes, growing transformation distasteful, that enforced their mindsets... and another church... and another church). I didn't think of God the way they wanted me to, and I described exactly how he was to me.

Now the beginning question of the essay... I omitted a part of my essay that I thought might be too clichĂŠ, but that I did send in with my actual essay. It might have had a bit more clarity on what I was talking about. I took it out because unlike as enigma33 says, improving this essay is no longer for colleges, it's for myself.

I realize that my question is somewhat of a vague beginning... but it's the beginning of this entire reflection. It was the catalyst to my realizations (and on that day, when I looked down on the most ordinary of instances in my life, so on that day, all the religions about me, I can confidently answer, "shackles" of... background), and I do discuss the role that one proposed question had in my mind and what it caused me to decide in the end.

But more than that, I want to propose to YOU that question. Forget the essay, what do you think about religion in that way?

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Well I mean, it wasn't simply an alternative view on God or religion or a perspective for seeing things... and while I agree on the sentiment of "what am I supposed to take away from that?", what are you supposed to take away from any essay? I won't say that I'm lacking in the unique idea depository, but I felt that that wasn't appropriate (I guess that's where we differ) in this case. I felt that the college essay was not about the ideas you have but a chance to actually say something about the things that led up to now and show the person behind the resume. And if I were to go about a revolutionary new concept or idea, I just risk being preachy about controversial topics or sounding incredibly pretentious or being that kid who's excited about this surprising new thing that isn't all that great, and that execution is something I'm not even sure I'm capable of. Those ideas are for me to ponder in my own time, and debate about with other people. For me, this essay was a chance to show them something that they would otherwise never be able to see through the rest of my application, and for that, I tried to find something that has been constant for most of my life, what it really meant to me, and how exactly I could convey that.

Most essays can fall into categories, and most are about struggle and triumph and the mundane. I can't talk about something that I'm still figuring out for myself, but I can talk about what I have figured out, possibly turning a spin on the mundane into something else, and who I am behind that. I find that ideas don't really reveal who a person is, but beliefs do, because we've invested (or at least should invest) a lot of time in them.

Oh and I only chose open-topic because I wasn't quite sure which of the other categories my essay fell into, it felt as if it was a mixture of all of them at once.

And why exactly do you consciously choose to ignore religion?

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Ah, but see, that's the beauty of it all. No one really does know if any of this is true or valid or not, and that's the concept of faith. And you don't have to believe in any specific religion to have thoughts about the afterlife or a God even. I don't believe in any one religion, but I know I believe in a God.

And while you can't possibly prove God's existence or nonexistence (it's just not in our capabilities as mere humans), it's the choice to believe in a God that ironically affirms my belief in one. Atheists, no matter what any of them will tell you, can't disprove God's existence; they can only take the evidence around them to believe, for themselves, that he doesn't exist. I'm the opposite, and thinking about fate and probability and God and chaos doesn't have to be exclusively for the religious... it's an activity that can be enjoyed by anyone. If all we ever needed was proof of something, then arguably, we would lose all humanity in ourselves. There wouldn't be... haha, sorry to quote myself pretentiously, but to quote the very last sentence of my essay, "if anything, they just add more mystery to the enlightened chase".

Religion and culture and language are all somewhat similar. They don't need to have a proof, and if you consider them all to be partially "false" and partially "true" and simply existent... it's wonderful. What you have are tangible variations of forms endless that could have resulted... and each culture is its own testament to its own uniqueness in structure and belief. They're all beautiful in their own right, because they somehow came to exist as something individual, despite everything else let's say an African culture and language might have been. It's like watching snowflakes, so intricately structured, falling on your hand. Each one is different by chance, and each one is beautiful in their own right.

Now religion squabbles can be... somewhat stupid, but I don't think that should take away from the base value of it all. I guess that's a recurring theme in my essay. Because faith is different from hope in that it has a twinge of certainty to it, and that certainty despite all uncertainty is the essence of what I believe to be so human about our little existence in the universe. It makes me remark about the wonders of our insignificance, and what we might do.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Are you really that stressed out that you're asking for people to read your essay ON other essay threads? This is like a smack to my face, to be honest.

Undergraduate / I chose to learn Korean for simple and obvious practical reasons; Harvard Supp [8]

Oops guys, I made a mistake with posting;
Please take these sections to be italicized, as it does make a slight difference in my essays:
<who does that?>
<I have to accomplish something, anything.>
<I don't know what I'm doing, I don't even know if I should be doing it.>
I didn't expect anything <more>,
And here <he> was too, a middle-aged man
possess the capability to express in words the feelings, ideas, the <faith> that

Undergraduate / I chose to learn Korean for simple and obvious practical reasons; Harvard Supp [8]

Yea I know, but I was feeling unconfident and wanted another reread on my essay.

Undergraduate / I chose to learn Korean for simple and obvious practical reasons; Harvard Supp [8]

What did you think about the essay as a whole though? Also, I thought that contractions were fine. I know that my friend wrote an essay using plenty of contractions and got into Yale last year, so...

And on a side note, what is BRUV?

Undergraduate / Intellectually Disdain to Dismembered. Transfer Stanford Essay [3]

aLuckyStudent
There are some word choices here that probably aren't the best, but the effort is good. Fuming, contempt, prescribed, vast, etc.
Some tenses are not really right in some sentences -- "would assure", "as the day progressed", etc.
Should probably be "I had prepared -- no, I had more than prepared, I had mastered"

Out of the three rounds in the tournament "that day" <-- redundant with tournament
"having HAD more knowledge"
"rather having much better analyses of them"
wide propped just not right
burning tongs? no.
before THE immense diversity
dead fish <-- completely random
On the other hand not quite used right
statistics plural inconsistent with "a key player"

You should consider revising your last paragraph in practice. The overall idea is good, but the words and metaphors are overdone. If you try to spruce up your sentences without having correct grammar in fundamentals, it'll stink as much as a pile of dead fish.

Undergraduate / We fail to show gratitude for heroes and at some time some of them are deemed to be forgotten. [5]

What is the prompt?
The essay is decent, but what is the prompt?

Undergraduate / 3 UNIQUE QUALITIES; Northwestern - Why/Unique Qualities [5]

Naveed:
No, I'm sorry, all your comments and revisions are wrong. You are the one that is convoluted and grammatically incorrect. As an international applicant from Saudi Arabia, please consider revising your own work before commenting and critiquing on others'.

Wondergeek:
You liked what?
And no, I didn't receive any acceptance or rejection letter because I'm a transfer applicant; our letters come much later in like April or May or even June.