Posts by Dr Seus

Dr Seus

Jan 6, 2013

Undergraduate / UK PERSONAL STATEMENT BIOMEDICAL SCIENCES (Ethiopia tutoring and other countries) [6]

I haven't mentioned the following and don't know if i should (if its relevant or it will help):
- i spent 2 weeks in ethiopia tutoring kinds and holding seminars on the importance of education in rural parts
- I've lived in 6 different countries

Thanks so much in advance:)

---

I am determined to make a meaningful difference on people's life. At first I wanted to be like my dad - broadly working for social justice, equality and peace, and then I wanted to be a lawyer specifically to speak up for the voiceless. However, after my internship at Aga Khan University Hospital in Nairobi, Kenya, I was left with the undisputable aspiration to become a medical doctor. Now, my academic interests have focused on biomedical sciences.

During the summer of 2012, for my Extended Essay, I carried out research under the supervision of the Kenya Medical Research Institute. The topic of choice was the antimicrobial property of plant extracts, derived from traditional medicinal practices in Ethiopia. The results were interesting in that they provided me with an insight to the possibility of Ethiopian medicine. It was fascinating to find out that one of the plant extracts inhibited the growth of bacteria. [..]

Dr Seus

Jan 6, 2013

Undergraduate / My mom has had a huge impact on my life; Someone who had impact on me [2]

Hi, this is a good essay; your mom sounds like a wonderful person.
My comments are in bold.

As a child I grew up with only my mother in my life.

This is a bit redundant, as a cild i grew up > well, you can't grow up as an adult > know what i mean? Anyways your essay would sound much stronger if you simply cut out the as a child part. and instead just "i grew up with only my mother in my life."

one that has moved from a different country and is struggling with a language as a barrier.
It may seem obvious to you, but elaborate why it is harder.

With me being her first child

This doesn't sound grammatical.. perhaps... "As i was her first child"

I never heard her complain one single time

This is an excellent point where perhaps you can add how her not complaining in such a situation has persevered you to abstain fro complaining and so forth, you get what i mean...

Overall good essay, make the above adjustments, read again and edit.

Post 2nd draft so when we critique again:)

Good luck:))

Dr Seus

Jan 7, 2013

Undergraduate / Toastmasters Experience; Common App Short Answers [4]

My comments are in bold:)

as I stood on the platform confronting hundreds of pairs of eyes.

as i stood on the platform confronted by hundreds of pairs of eyes

ublic speaking did not come naturally to me

does not come naturally to me

I belong to Toastmasters an organization

i belong to Toastmasters, an organization

During meeting, i

During meetings, i

since I was used to be the class president

Since i used to be class president

To be honest, standing in front of people and conveying ideas was easy for me in Korea since I was used to be the class president in my school. However, because English is not my native language, I knew it would be beneficial for me to join Toastmasters, and it has been a valuable experience.

I know what you're trying to say here but you need to make it clearer, you found it easier to speak in your native language and public speaking was hard at your school because you had to do it in english - a language you are not confident in...

When I was participating in Toastmasters, it was a driving for in developing my English-speaking skills and it taught me how to communicate in a high-pressured atmosphere.

Participating in Toastmasters has developed my english speaking skills, and has taught me to communicate in a high pressured atmosphere

Other comments:
Personally i feel like you should re-write this becuase you have the content but you can express the content in a much better way. Make the moral or learning lesson from this experience very explicit. " You were able to bush the boundaries of your comfort zone, it has taught you all fear can be overcome...etc

Dr Seus

Jan 7, 2013

Scholarship / Cancer is the 2nd leading cause of death ; Scholarship/ Goals as a professional [4]

Oncologists, technologies and facilities

Oncologists, technology* and facilities[

that will i

that would improve

Furthermore, give lecturers to organizations and contribute column on health issues in one of the leading newspapers.

i will give*; contribute columns on health issues to one of the leading newspapers

OTHER NOTES:
You have some very good ideas, but the essay feels very shallow in the sense that you don't provide concrete examples as to why you think you're methods would be effective... writing columns will enable people to become aware of issues around the world and so forth

Dr Seus

Jan 8, 2013

Undergraduate / Broadening perspectives of Irish culture,people & history;Study Abroad-Personal Essay [2]

First paragraph is good but you haven't clearly and explicitly stated WHY. - why were you attracted to traveling and exploring different cultures? - the cuisine, the lifestyle, exposure, new experiences? what exactly appealed to you? - perhaps the world and it's multifarious ways of living?

The University experience is about both personal and academic growth. I truly believe that the International Student Exchange program will benefit me in both areas.

how will it benefit you - give a concrete example, exposure = knowledge? learning various cultures and values enhances you're perception of the world and encourages you to be a liberal thinker?

i like the ending of your 2nd paragraph - the way you tied it all together.

The granddaughter

" As the granddaughter of..." instead?

but I awakened in me a longing to learn and experience more about the land my family originates from

I find this to be an awkward phrase. "but it awakened in me ...."

It would have helped to post the prompt of this essay...

all in all a good essay. However your last paragraph doesn't powerfully tie in with you're desire to study abroad, try and work on making the ending of your essay as or even powerful than you're begining.

Edit and post again so we can critique:)

Dr Seus

Jan 14, 2013

Essays / Advice needed on writing essays for UK universities [3]

Check out other pople's work, type into google foundation year essays UK and i'm sure you can see the outline of what the essay should look like and everything.

I myself applied to the UK as biomedical sciences major - i talked about life experiences that drew me to the course, my prospective goals, graduate studied - i want to be a doctor and mainly also why i want to go the Uk as i am an international student.

I'm sure that the format for foundation year is the same as any other application to the UK. talk about what interests you, why you want to do a foundation year and all that. The best thing to do is like i said is check out website where people have posted such drafts:)

Good luck!! - draft your essay and post so we can comment - don;t worry on perfecting it - i hated my first draft - i redrafted it 6 time before i was happy with it. You have to start somewhere:)

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Economical developments degrade Social values? [4]

hey:

i know this is unhelpful but i am posting this on every thread in hopes of getting a reply. I uploaded an essay on this site last week and not the plagiarism checker is picking it up. i really want to just delete it but i can because i ned 3 more likes...pleasse please can you like this so i can delete the thread. i know its not your problem but please!!

:(

anyways as for your essay, its really good! i agree with dumis edits

all in all i would say that you should think about the advantages and then find flaws with them that would make it stronger.

also you can talk about how nations think they're moving forward when in reality they're simply leaving people behind. you can question the idea of deveolopment. what is it? why do we crave it? can a country be stable and underdeveloped yet have happy citizens?

most of all it would be great if you could give some concrete examples...

:)

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Essays / "Seasonal Love" - Writing Sample for Entry Into Media Arts Program [2]

Hi there,
To make it easier i have embedded my remarks within your essay at the specific areas:)

But he is a masochist.

She is exquisite. Even at five. take out the full stop as it makes things misleading, instead insert a comma. Also the sentence itself is confusing, what are you trying to say? -> she is 5 because she looks like a child, she looks like a child because she is 5? Please claify He thinks maybe that's how Daphne looked like as a child. The tips of her ears had gone scarlet from the frigid temperatures, but she soon warms up with a quick sip of her hot cocoa. The child giggles as her tongue darts ~~her~~ to catch the stray drops of the chocolaty goodness.

This is a brilliant essay, you're use of vocabulary, sentence structure and so forth is very well done!
I particularly liked the flow of your essay it made me really understand what was happening.

On a side note, i thought perhaps you could emphasize the theme of "seasonal" love. Use seasons to depicit (pathetic fallacy) what is happening. The characters change in state, blisfull like summer... cold like winter to hopeful and rejoiceful like spring!

Also i just want to ask, as the prompt asks for the theme to be orange... how did you interpret that in this essay?

Make the adjustments, read it again, revise and post so we can comment!!

Good luck:)

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / UBC;orphanage;undergraduate essay [2]

Their lips curled into a smile, one that i could not find the words to describe. The beauty of it all left me astounded mentioning payment seems to be like it's weakening your essay; i'm not saying change it but consider what i've written and reword to your perferance:)

Your essay is good but here are some pointers:
1. Try and find the wording to include what exactly happened this year - what was new? Were you tired of not making an impact, met a friend at the orphanage etc

2. I like you're ending but it doesn't really answer what exactly you learned in the process!

Be clear and concise! Consider my edits and reword to your prefereances.

revise your essay and post again so we can comment!

good luck:)

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / I wanted to be the one who strives; Statement of Purpose for UT [2]

After a few years, this pattern not only made me lazy, but it made me a bit vain as well. I started believing that consequences of my actions would never catch up with me. whilst i understnad you want to speak candidly, Consider that you are admitting to tje people that will govern wether or not to admit you that you were once lazy and unresponsible and unreliable. traits that "die hard" and no teacher would want as a student

i only editted the intro because grammar and sentence structure was fine in the rest of the paragraphs!

This is a good essay. but here are some pointers to use to improve:

1. What exactly have you learnt - lesson of the ordeal

2. give a concrete example - an incident that exemplifies how things have changed.

You have talked about something very risque so top it off end with an amazing realization you've come across, incidents, difficulties and disadvantages of laziness. Morals of your ordeal and etc,

Hope ii helped. Read my edits, review your essay and revise and post again so we can critique!!

Good luck:)

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Research Papers / Ontario Education System; Egerton Ryerson RTA Research Essay [2]

You're essay is very good; there were some very good points raised! However at parts it sounds condescending especially whith words such as "non einsteiners" or "average minds" - instead why don't you explore why each of us are NOT "einsteiners" why we are unable to reach our own potentials.

More often than not you will see that it is because we don;t have the opportunity nor the resources to. The academic system today still uses the values of when it was first created for the industerial period of time. By that i mean there is a heirarchy of subjects - Maths and sciences followed by everything else - we didn't have music as a class then because job opportunities could not be easily found; however today they are; yet that is not reflected in academia. If a child is born to dance why cna that not be her/his primary focus, or sing or so forth. Why is this hierarchy not based on our potential and preferances?

Einstein saw that school could not give him what he wanted and that he was not good at it so he decided to take his own path, most students todya find themselves is this very situation..."going to NYC to be come a singer and so forth"

Explore further ideas, revise and edit then post so we can edit:)

Good luck!

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Writing Feedback / We shouldn't rely on the easier-prepared food too much, even though it has made our life much easier [2]

This is a good essay you have raised some relevant points but in some cases you are reiterating what you've said which is time lost to further elaboratons on this argument. Talk about Obseisty rates sykrocketing - The economist predicts that by 2030 the number of obses people will have trippled in the u.s alone 2/3 of the population is overweight etc

Look at more arguments for and against. I feel like you've simply talk about the time aspect of it in regard for time - think alot about what exactly "IMPOVES" the way people live. You can further explore the aspect of health and so forth

Revise your essay and post again so we can comment!

Good luck!

Dr Seus

Jan 29, 2013

Undergraduate / Global Business at University of Southern California; Transfer essay to USC 2013 [3]

hello there, i have embedded my comments in your essay to make things easier

Since I was just a little girl back in Vietnam, my not-too-superstitious mother has always said that life would always support my decisions , andthat i should dream big and persevere to achieve even bigger!~~I would dream big and achieve even bigger~~ . I never believed in her words Why didn't you believe in what she said? Elaborate... . ~~Guess what?~~But today, I can see that She was right. Opportunities have been thrown at me ever since. ~~And~~ at the age of sixteen, I jumped at the chance to attend Peninsula College pursuing my AA in Port Angeles, Washington. As my graduation is approaching, transferring to USC will allow me to continue to pursuit my dream and build upon the amazing American life that I began two years ago. "The american life" is a dream that most people redicule as it's seen as a myth//fantasy and more often than not most don't achieve their expectations of it; reword this.. explain what time of life you aspire for...

This is a good essay fuelled by good motifs!

I would advise the following to make it stronger;

1. why is global diversity important? Why do YOU think cultures need to not necessarily integrate but become aware of each other?
-- Perhaps because without the awarence of other cultures we are left to be ignorant... conflict arises from the inability to see the other sides perspective and not understand them... being culturally aware allows people to not necessarily agree with the norms and values of other cultures but accept them,

2. You are yet to mention the state of CALIFORNIA -- it is by far one of the most if not the most diverse states in the nation - the perfect setting for your studies.

3. Why do you plan to do with your studies? - "build bridges between cultures"... etc

Read my remarks, revise your essay and post again so we can comment!

Good luck:)