Posts by smashcommonapp

smashcommonapp

Oct 28, 2013

Undergraduate / Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights [6]

Hi
This essay is due in a few days. So please any suggestions on how to make it better will be extremely appreciated. I'm worried that the essay doesn't 'elaborate' on the extracurricular I chose. Should I be?

Prompt - Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (Recommended length-250 words)

Here goes,

I began my campaign by turning off the lights in every classroom after school hours. I was asked countless times why I bothered to do this. Even more so, why I decided to establish a club that seemingly, no one cared about.

I was compelled to initiate Green club on the strong desire to encourage more students to care about saving energy. Expanding its membership, however, proved to be challenging. As getting students interested in the environment they live in is, as ironic as it sounds, tedious work. But Green club managed to record significant improvement in time.

Also, I was able to benefit from the experience. Breaking out of my persistent inclination to look inward, I opened myself up to new people, entertained their questions and exchanged ideas with them. At this time I had developed a confidence which translated into my academic and sports life with impressive results.

At the end I was able to enlist several members devoted to making awareness on the environmental damages from energy usage. I was proud of this commitment and as it turned out, the principal as well. I was rewarded with the School Sanitation Prefect post later that year. Besides this, I was extremely pleased with the increasing number of people who accompanied me on my daily trips round the classrooms.

smashcommonapp

Oct 30, 2013

Undergraduate / Welcome to Ethiopia - Describe an experience of cultural difference or insensitivity.. [2]

I'm not sure if this essay would fit that commonapp prompt because it describes a new experience that you opened yourself to not one that is 'central' to your personal identity. Great essay btw and I hope this helps. Would be grateful if you check out mine.

smashcommonapp

Oct 30, 2013

Undergraduate / Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights [6]

With your advice 'to show not tell' in mind I rewrote the essay. Still too many I's unfortunately but hopefully it sounds better. Please any other suggestion would be appreciated. No, it's not for Stanford.

I stood shading my eyes from the relentless sun rays while scanning the project that was our challenge. A few feet in front lay a pond littered with a clutter of both organic and inorganic waste dumped by the kitchen staff and the challenge was to weed out the waste completely. We had arrived with this mission clear in our minds and worked harmoniously towards achieving it. Carefully, I leaned over with the long handle in my shaky hands, and with what seemed like a firm stance manipulated the net to intercept debris that had settled at the top of the pond. Behind me, the rest of the Green Club members replicated my movements until the entire lake was cleaned out. After hours of sweating and skimming, we drained some of the pond's water and refilled it with de-chlorinated water.

I started my green activities in school by turning off lights in every classroom after school hours and was therefore truly pleased by how far I'd come from then. Green club's increasing membership and the significant changes it made added to my bursting satisfaction. As it turned out, the principal was also proud of this commitment and rewarded me with the School Sanitation Post later that year.

Still, countless people asked why I'd bothered to establish a club that seemingly no one cared about. I counted myself lucky because I only had to think back to the feeling of fulfillment that overwhelmed me after cleaning the pond to remember why.

smashcommonapp

Nov 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights [6]

I appreciate and have taken note of all the corrections you've both made into my final version. Thanks a lot guys.

smashcommonapp

Nov 1, 2013

Undergraduate / My mousetrap-powered vehicle began inching in a straight line; Caltech Diversity Essay [3]

Actually, I feel differently. This essay effectively answers the prompt. It's obvious the diversity he will contribute the school ;an innovator who is also a great public speaker.

A veteran in Speech and Debate extemporaneous speaking, I grasped the vital connection between the working mind and talent behind the math and sciences, and their ~~public distribution~~ .

I don't think 'public distribution' works there (incorrect choice of words).

Wow, you're an environmentalist,an athlete and now a public speaker and an innovator. What don't you do? Lol. Great essay by the way.

smashcommonapp

Nov 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure [3]

I second everything jestjest has said specifically the 'What's the failure? part. In my honest opinion, your parents' divorce is not your personal failure. Therefore, I strongly recommend you rewrite this essay with 'a time I failed' in mind.

smashcommonapp

Nov 6, 2013

Undergraduate / MOST MEMORABLE SUMMER; SEWANEE- contact with Sewanee? [8]

Please, is this response effective? Is there any way I can improve on it, grammatically and otherwise?
Prompt- How have you been in contact with Sewanee?

When I first perused Sewanee's website, I was hesitant. Could this be? A community as sensitive to its environment as I am?. The summer I visited the Obudu Mountain Resort was my most memorable holiday. I was only ten but I instantly felt at home within massive rocks, cascading waterfalls and vibrant green leaves. At this age I developed a complete connection with the verdant landscape and preferred watching everything from the top. I enjoyed riding the slow-paced cable cars and traveling the frightful canopy walk.

The 13,000 acre Sewanee Domain reminds me so much of that summer. I am excited about the prospect of revisiting the Canopy Walk! I look forward to taking in every inch of Sewanee's scenery with the Green's View and taking part in the myriad of stimulating activities Sewanee Outing Program has to offer -from Mountain Biking to Kayaking.

I'd be equally honored to give back to Sewanee's environment by engaging in any of the programs organized by the student body dedicated to this cause particularly living in the Green House. It is a small but impressive effort towards this effect.

Sewanee's tightly bonded community gives me the benefit of sharing these great experiences with both students and teachers. I will ultimately grow by challenging myself in every way.

smashcommonapp

Nov 7, 2013

Undergraduate / "My Near Death Experience" Failure Common App Essay [3]

As someone who has also 'almost died' by drowning, I can say that you described the feeling aptly in the first paragragh.

As noticeable renewed consciousness filled my body, an uproar of clapping and cheering filled the indoor pool area at the recreation complex.

Instead of clapping and cheering, why not say that they showed signs of relief? I think showing relief is more practical than cheering in such a situation.

I was fairly certain this was atypical for a standard high school swim team tryout, but I had nothing to support this assumption; ~~this was the first one I had ever associated with.~~[[/

I think that sentence is unnecessary.

I, on the other hand, due to a complete lack of skill and knowledge for the sport, failed to fulfill the most basic requirement for human life: breathing.

This is confusing. Do you mean you actually didnt know how to swim. If so how then did you make the team?

Only a few short months prior, I could not even complete the same race without playing Russian roulette with the Grim Reaper.

I don't know...you've made the point before so it looks unnecessary. But I like the joke so maybe you can keep it :)

Great essay by the way! Would appreciate it if you take a look at mine.

smashcommonapp

Nov 7, 2013

Undergraduate / Tree Top Tunnel Vision; Background Story [3]

Gasps from the Chinese crowd below.

That sentence is tricky. Maybe because it isn't even a proper sentence.How about 'The people below gasped in utter shock'. Do you have to state that this crowd is Chinese? Is it relevant to the essay? Because I dont feel it is.

I can read through War and Peace's epilogues or the Divine Comedy ~~despite the fact that~~even though I would rather be walking outside or talking to friends.

I dont think this is a great example for the message you are trying to convey

I become so involved in pursuing a path that I don't realize when it is no longer the right direction

when I decided to apply to the University of Medicine and Pharmacy in Bucharest, Romania, only to realize, ~~six months of preparation later~~ six months after preparing, that Romania was not the right fit for me.

Had I not made these decisions, I would not be the person I am today. Without my tunnel vision, I would have dropped the medical school option much sooner, thus losing the opportunity for better communication with my Romanian family. I would know less of my birth country's history, literature, and culture.

Reasons why I think this pararaph should be cancelled
1. It doesn't explain how choosing to study medecine enabled better communication with your family.
2. It also doesn't explain how your tunnel vision helped you know more about your country's history, literature etc (maybe you should include some examples of this accomplishment in the third paragraph indicating that these examples are Romanian based.

3. Even if you add this information, your essay will surpass the commonapp limit.

Overall, your writing is great and the imagery is clear. Hope this helps!

smashcommonapp

Nov 8, 2013

Undergraduate / MOST MEMORABLE SUMMER; SEWANEE- contact with Sewanee? [8]

Hahaha,you had better!( talking about looking up Obudu). I actually wrote the size because it was mentioned about three billion times on Sewanee's website that I thought it was probably important to mention it in my essay too.

Yes you're absolutely right.I mistakenly put the wrong prompt up. The real prompt for this essay is 'How is Sewanee a good fit for you?'. I hope the essay answers that.

Thank you so much for editing my essay. Everything you wrote was really helpful and I'm certainly taking them into consideration while I rewrite the essay. The problem I have now is cutting down the essay to 150 words which is the word limit :(

smashcommonapp

Nov 26, 2013

Undergraduate / MOST MEMORABLE SUMMER; SEWANEE- contact with Sewanee? [8]

I thought you should see my final draft and tell me what you think.

When I first perused Sewanee's website I wondered. Could this be? A community as sensitive to the environment as I am?
The Sewanee experience reminds me of a summer at the Obudu mountain resort when I felt like I belonged among rocks, cascading waterfalls and vibrant green leaves. The outcrops and caves, forest trees and lakes are as breath-taking as those at Sewanee. So I see Sewanee as not only a place to relive past memories but also a place to make new ones.

Revisiting the canopy walk, mountain biking and kayaking are a few of the activities that would achieve that. Even while indoors at the Green House I can be a part of the beautiful scenery by helping to protect it- maybe by writing an article for the Sewanee purple about it.

Sewanee's close community gives me the benefit of sharing these great memories with family -students and teachers. Right here at Sewanee, there is nothing to lose.

smashcommonapp

Nov 26, 2013

Undergraduate / MOST MEMORABLE SUMMER; SEWANEE- contact with Sewanee? [8]

Actually, I know that. I apologize.This isn't the real essay prompt. I put it up by mistake. The real one is "After hearing about Sewanee, why do you think it is a good fit for you? Please could you critique my essay with this prompt in mind?