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Posts by classified9988
Name: John W
Joined: Apr 6, 2014		 Last Post: May 31, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 12  
From: Hong Kong
School: DBIS

Displayed posts: 14
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classified9988   
Apr 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Co-Educaitonal Schooling Systems; integrating concepts of the future; conclusion [2]

Coursework task for GCSE English: write an extended piece arguing a topic of your choice

Co-Educaitonal Schooling Systems...

The idea of integrating concepts of 'the future' into the conclusion is proving difficult...
Please feel free to suggest other edits! Thank you!

"
In summation, I have clearly proven the effectiveness of co-educational schooling and that it is a more viable educational system over single-sexed schooling. It has been proven that co-educational schooling better prepares students for life in a diverse society, that co-educational institutes do not compromise the academic achievement of students, and that co-educational schools aid in developing relationships and encourage a greater sense of equality among students. I can understand that some of you may still chose to revert to your original views of perceiving single-sex schools as traditionally effective and instilling high academic attainment; yet, I have shown you that such institutes do not aid learning in students who do not conform to the stereotypical normalities associated with their gender and do address post-education life. {Therefore, I reaffirm that co-education is, and will continue being, the ideal learning mechanism to raise successful and accepting individuals for the modern workforce. //in[to] the future. //}

{Therefore, I reaffirm that co-education is, and will continue being, the ideal learning mechanism to raise successful and accepting individuals for the future workforce.}

{Therefore, I reaffirm that co-education is, and will continue being, the ideal learning mechanism to raise successful and accepting individuals in the future.}

{Therefore, I reaffirm that co-education is, and will continue being, the ideal learning mechanism to raise successful and accepting individuals for the workforce in the future.}

"
classified9988   
Apr 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'relieve tension' - Going to a new school is exciting / frustratating [4]

Changing place is always a challenging experience for every ages ranging from children to adults . When kids follow their parents moving to new city, they have to face a lot of problems in their new schools. They have to study with new friends. They might need to improve language skill if they join international school or study abroad. They may get lost on their very first classes. All of these problems can be alleviated by school orientation, joining clubs, additional language and prerequisite classes.

Changing school continually proves to be a daunting procedure for students of all ages. When children relocate with their families, they are faced with a variety of challenges as they must integrate into a different society. Students are set with the dual task of making new friends and improving their linguistic ability should they study abroad. Children even have the possibility of getting lost and being unable to cope with their fist day in the new and unfamiliar environment. Such issues can be prevented with an array of simple steps, such as school orientation sessions, participation in extra-curricular actives and clubs, and appropriate language tuition classes.

Its a complete re-write but I hope it helps...
classified9988   
Apr 7, 2014
Undergraduate / The Broken Boy / CommonApp Essay - Background [7]

An interesting piece of engaging work conveying how personal the experience was.
Sound use of grammar throughout!

Clarity & Clause Possibilites

They would watch the way I walked with pained faces as they tried to solve the mystery of my limp.

When I would walk, they watched with pained faces as they tried to solve the mystery of my limp.

The doctors said that my hip was finally recovering, and it was unlikely that I would need to have surgery until my late teens, so they told my parents that I could use a combination of crutches and walking unaided.

The doctors said that my hip was finally recovering, and it was unlikely that I would need to have surgery until my late teens.My parents were told that I could walk unaided, or use crutches from time to time if necessary.

Hope this helps!
classified9988   
Apr 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The electricity consumption and cost per year [8]

These bars shows the relative electricity consumption and annual cost per year of various household dividesdevices .

In a year, electricity consumption increaseis dependentingon the typeskinds of electronic devices .

consider the use of "annual" instead of "per year"

Electronic which is low cost $42 per year need 500 kwh per year. There are only 5 electronics where in this part.

Statement does not make grammatical sense...

According to the graph, the devices that do not incur significant annual electricity fees are considered to consume 500 kWh and have running fees below $42; there are 5 home appliances that can be categorized in this section;

Good luck!
classified9988   
May 14, 2014
Speeches / The King Hit- Oral presentation [4]

Just a couple of metres away from arriving one of the youths, who was a friend of the youth caught by the police; came up behind Nicholas and punched his head.

A friend of the youth cought by the police arrived, came up behind Nicholas and punched his head.

Sorry... I must leave urgently... I hope this helps!
classified9988   
May 15, 2014
Speeches / The King Hit- Oral presentation [4]

I have continued...

Firstly, I want to talk aboutwish to discuss how tougherstricter legislations may seem like great plan but won'twill not work in action. Proposed, stricterTougher legislations will mean that those found guilty of throwing the 'King Hit' will have a minimum sentence of eight years in prison. Also,and those found guilty of alcohol-fuelled assaults will have minimum penalties increased by two years. The reason why we have prison is for three main purposes:

2. To rehabilitate those in prison, so they become law-abiding citizens.
3. To deter those people maywho consider breaking the Law, and prevent them from actually committing the crime.

By suppodedly increasing the minimum prison sentence it is hoping to employ the third reason for prisonsin an effort to lower crime , deterring people from committing crime. By implementing this theywe are hoping that a highly intoxicated youth is expectinggoing to remember the time they will spend in prison for the punch they are mindlessly about to throw. Wait a second, how is that supposed to work? The man who killed Nicholas was so drunk that they found him a couple of blocks down the road asleep in his own vomit; not remembering throwing the punch. In such as state,How is hecan we expectedhim to think about the possible jail time he will spend for punching someone?

They will punish themselves for their action every day.Everyday, they will be with the guilt of their actions; there will be no need for punishment The chance of them repeating the attackpossibility of them committing a similar crime is highly unlikely, you would never make the same mistake twice. Just to re-cap,Hence, although tougher legislations may look likeseem like a possible method of prevention although, it would only punish those who already punish themselves. We need prevention, as; prevention is always better than a cure.

Secondly, let me talk aboutelaborate on another suggestion proposed;: increasing police presence on our streets. When Mary called the police, to report the fight in the pub arrived they arrived in under a few minuets, but still we are calling for prevention not a cure.It is clear that the response was very efficient,some people call for prevention and believe we need to stop the fight before it even starts. as people are still getting hurt or killed

Please note the use of a semi-colon, not a colon, as about to introduce something, and the subject behind is the thing you are introducing.

Be sure to clearly differentiate apart what you are trying to emphasize; your points are sometimes confused with the proposed methods, making it seem as though you actually support them.

I strongly believe that by educating today's youth we can change the disgusting drinking culture, into a completely new and safe one, where we do not fear whether our teens come home at night, or not.

Exaggerating your deep personal attachment to the issue.

In closingIn summation, teen alcohol-fuelled violence is a problem that affects all those in its wake. Many families have been left with no son, brother, husband or friend. The community haveSociety has been motivated to change this, but none have come up with an affective solution. An increase in time spent in jail will not help meet our aim, and not prevent teens from throwing the punch in the first place, which is our aim. A larger police presence of police is unreasonable due to the vast amount of money needed to see it fulfilled. Let's dare tous listen to our teens and see that they have great ideas. By educating children from a young age, they will learn that being drunk isn't cool and live by this principle through their entire lives, hopefully teaching others this principle as well. My Mary has decided to become an ambassador for FARE (Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education) she hopes to be able to teach young children about alcohol abuse. I'm very proud of Mary. Will you be proud of your child? Teach them the right way to drink and you will be helping create the change we need in society today .

Please reconsider your use of only male family members as it affects both genders, this may also increase effect on the audience.

Please note that "the community have" is grammatically incorrect; the communit(y) refers to a single body and not multiple bodies, hence the singular indicative is used (it is referring to one thing) //the community has//

I would like to remind you that the use of the phrase "let's dare" is not exactly appropriate in this scenario, although it may have been incorporated to sarcastically show that your idea is effective and simple, its use still suggests that is is not very proper and has been unfinished; I hope my suggestion clearly eradicates the sarcasm and makes your piece more emotionally touching.

I have not had an abundance of time to evaluate the entire speech comprehensively, but I hope that my alternations assist you, should you choose to adapt them.

I hope this helps: I am only in year 9...haha. And good luck!
classified9988   
May 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay: 'A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian .....' [5]

The article further infers that hiring people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night, is necessary for a business to prosper

Please note that the use of a comma in this place is not actually correct, and I do not believe that it significantly aids with reading. I suggest that it be removed.

To begin with, the survey methodologies itself might be problematic on various aspects.

The only other possible error that comes to my mind is here. "The surgery methodologies itself": are you suggesting a use of a verb form of "methodologies" (which I don't think exists), or are you just referring to the plural form of the word. Regardless, I believe that is is quite //problematic//, suggesting;

the survey's methodologies may be problematic in various aspects

Please note possessive for "survey", or

the methodology of the survey may be problematic in various aspects or

the methodologies adapted in the survery may be problematic in various aspects

Otherwise, I believe the piece is gramatically sound. I cannot really judge on the analysis or suggest and aspects relating to the actual content...lol; however, I believe that the stated observations are well presented.

I hope this helps. And good luck!

ps. How old are you? What level education is this for?
classified9988   
May 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / "water car" - If I could invent something new [4]

The beginning of an invention begins alwayssimply by dreaming about it, and personally I have many dreams. Generally speaking, if I could invent something new, it would be something that would make an impact in our society; I would invent a car whichthat uses directly water as its fuel (let's call it "water car"),instead ofas opposed to fossil fuels such aslike gasoline or natural gas. I name this remarkable invention; 'the water car'.I explain below some arguments to defend this stance.I will further elaborate on how such a concept would benefit society:

First of allFirstly , it is apparent that cars play an important role in our everyday lifelives . Cars have become the essential piece of our day-to-day conveyance. Going to work, doing groceries or just transportingtraveling from one place to another are just a few examples of how we use this kind ofefficient method of transportation. In the place Where I live, public transportation is a bad choice to travel from one place to otherinconvenient;thereforehence, private cars are widelythe use of automobiles as a personal way to transport are very used. I dare to say We depend of this kind of transportationon cars ; we depend of itstheir comfort and itstheir privacy.

Secondly, in additionAdditionally,cars play an important role in our everyday life, the increased use of cars havehas resulted in the increase of air pollution. This Consequently,results in thethere has been an increase of respiratory deceases as well as the lost of healthy ecosystemsdamage to the natural environment . The importance of air pollution is high throughout the world and people try to find a way to reduce this. In this manner a "water car" would be a precursor of this important trend.Throughout the world, experts continue to attempt to reduce the impacts of carbon emissions, and I believe the 'water car' is a viable solution.

Lastly, beyond the importance of cars in our everyday life and also the fact that the increase use of cars have resulted in the increase of air pollution,Furthermore, I strongly believe that 'water cars' would be an importantrevolutionary innovation difficult to resist, this due to the fact thatbecause water is deeplysignificantly cheaper than any fossil fuelsare . In a beginningInitially, water cars may be more expensive to manufacture;yet, in the long run they will save costsbut it will be an important investment for our life, Just image how cheap will it would be to travel from one place to another using this kind of transportationbeing powered by water .

To sum up,In summation, I strongly believe thissuch an invention willwould be a turning point in the way we seefor transportation, this will bringwith itself a lot ofbrining many benefits for ourto society,such as the reduction in market product's cost and the encourage of touristic places (this due to it will be cheaper to travel from one place to other)reducing traveling costs and carbon emissions in the future .

There were a range of grammatical errors throughout the extract, and I believe that I have addressed the majority.

Please take into consideration unnecessary adjectives which lower the effectiveness of your work.

Please revise the structure and content of the piece as it may lack purpose at times, further link it to the possible realization of putting such an idealistic concept into action.

I hope that you benefit from my alterations, should you chose to accept them.

I hope this helps! And good luck!

ps... I'm only in year 9 lol...I have been quite pressed for time; I suggest that you consolidate another person regarding the structure of the piece and its overall message.
classified9988   
May 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument: "Palean baskets" archeologists discovery [2]

The previous archaeological assumptions seem to present a constricted view.Only because the characteristic pattern has been found in the vicinity areas previouslyThe observance of a certain phenomenon in an area does not mean it is restricted to that area. Furthermore, in ancient times people used to trade their goods in exchange of food. Also , and fishing was anrather important food source; hence,there must have been significantthe interaction between these across-the- river villages must be frequent .

In order to properly analyse the argument, we must first and foremost need to understand the frequency and nature of the interaction between the two communities. The absence of 'Palean' boats sodoes not provide sufficient evidence that there was no interaction between the people of Palea and of Lithos. The ancient boats mightmay have withered over time, or sunk or . Also, the Paleans might have been usingused boats other than those we identify as 'Palean' boats. Furthermore, there may have been more Lithosians travelling to Palea than otherwisevice vera . Thus the travel might have been more frequent than previously thought.

The woven baskets with the Palean patterns may still be of Palean origin and were perhaps traded with people of other villages including Lithos. Again, the boat travel through boatscancould have beenbe possible due to previously explained reasons. Futhermore, there is a chance that via fishing, the two villages might have interacted more hence increasing the exchange of goods.

Another possible argument as thatAdditionally, although the travelling across the river may not have been easily achievablemight be as rare as thought, the transfer of basket manufacturing skills and techniquesismay still have been possible. The Travelers mightcould have learnedadapted the specific patterns and integrated them into their baskets,evolved thespreading basket weaving furthermethods . The fact may be explained wellThis could be proven if such an evolution of design and patterns is seen in the baskets and other woven items in the region .

Since Archaeology is a science on unearthing the past; yet, manyhowever several truths might still remain hidden. Hence We should remain open to the possibilityies that certain evidencesmay be flawed, these may becomehave loopholes which might be more visible if contradictory evidences appears . In this case, Palean baskets were not Palean because they were found near the village but because they were yet not found anywhere far away.

The piece lacks clarity and structure. I have attempted to rectify the grammatical errors, of which there were a significant amount.

I suggest that to extend the piece you elaborate more on the already mentioned aspects, for example: saying how the remains of riverboats may have disintegrated over time based on environmental factors, etc.

I hope this helps, should you chose to adapt my alterations. Good luck!
classified9988   
May 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / Combustion of Food to Find Stored Energy-Mini Evaluation [3]

A small scale homework task, not an essay...
I would gladly welcome and grammatical critique or proof-reading!

"
Energy in Food-Evaluation
Having executed an inconclusive investigation in which food samples were unsuccessfully combusted to produce heat in order to raise the temperature of a body of water, there is an array of evaluative remarks to be made.

Firstly, the fact that some food samples proved difficult to ignite and only produced a small flame meant that not all the heat energy from the combustion was transferred to the water; hence, the stored chemical energy in the foodstuffs was not fully released. This made it impossible to obtain an accurate estimation of the energy in the food samples.

((indented paragraph beneath the former)) The release of energy from the food sample through combustion allows energy to escape into the surrounding body of air, air movement and saturation effect the amount of energy lost. The vertical distance between the test tube and the combusting food sample should also be taken into consideration and be kept consistent as it influences the amount of heat energy that is transferred to the test tube.

Additionally, the fact that the food samples were of different sizes meant that the surface area to volume of the different food samples was inconsistent. Therefore, the rate of combustion among the selection of samples differed greatly. The faster the rate of combustion, the quicker the rise in the thermometer reading of the water; however, this does not correlate to the food having a high energy content. Some foods may burn slower and for a longer time, yielding lower temperature increases because of the slower rate of combustion, even though they actually have more stored energy; therefore, the experiment with the employed methodology was inaccurate.

In investigations of a similar nature, I would suggest that the food samples to be ground down with the use of pestle and mortar or electronic blender to ensure a consistent, small size of food particulates and keep similar the rate of combustion and energy release to yield more reliable results in the future.

"

Thank you!
classified9988   
May 30, 2014
Scholarship / How do I make myself a better athlete [2]

Tennis is a rigorous,andyet elegant sport that demands complex abilities. At timesAnd sometimes it may be quite challengingappear difficult to play when the other players haveare moreexperienceexperiencedin the court than me. WhenIn this is the case, improving my skill and ability to match theirtheir'sabilitiesor even over passed them it'sis a journey of hard work, sweat and tears. Setting mental and physicala goalsmentally and physically , practicing,to the end and learning how to use myand analyzing my mistakes in my own benefit make a huge difference between the athlete from yesterday and the actual athletein improving athletic perforance .

Sorry, I have only had time to do a bit.
I hope this helps, should you chose to adapt my alterations.
Good luck!
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