Undergraduate / I could never escape the shadow of my older sister. If I was strong, she was even stronger. [3]

I'm not entirely an expert in essay writing, so don't take my advice too seriously.
- The transition from track to club was slightly awkward, seems like two separate stories.
- As much as I enjoy a well written story, the repetition and language used to give the story emotion might bore the readers. Perhaps consider cutting down some words.

Examples that you could cut:
- spend days and days [avoid repetition unless it really makes the story feel alive and interesting, which might be the case from this]
- stand out from behind her ever looming presence [a tad dramatic, could ease it down as you're just repeating that she has a shadow and you're in it]

- to be more often futile than not. [who talks like that? a Bond villain, change it?]
- encompassed with attempts [my vocabulary doesn't include this word on daily conversations, keep it if yours does. If not, consider changing it so it 'flows' more]

- fill footsteps permanently embedded in concrete [this is slightly confusing, how does it being in concrete prevent you from filling them in?]
- I decided to join the track team [nitpicking, you can just say "I joined the track team"]
- and it seemed only right that I did as well. [kinda redundant, you can remove this]
- I didn't expect it to become something more to me than just another way to compete with my sister. I was no longer insignificant. [the link/transition from these two sentences doesn't make much sense, seems clunky. You could specify how it made you less insignificant. Also the sister competing is nice, but it's kinda old by now]

- Through sweating together, winning together, crying together, my team became more than simple friends or fellow runners, they were my family away from home. [you should probably introduce the team before you mention how you bonded. Possibly something like; "The shadow of my sister extinguished the moment I was introduced to the team of 5 girls and 6 guys. All were from the same place, they were all passionate about the sport. I think it rubbed off me. Through sweating...]

- In the moments with when my legs were on the verge of giving out and my heart that felt like it could pump no harder, it wasn't beating my sister that pushed me forward to victory, but a drive to not let my team members down. [you can remove 'in the moments' and 'my heart that felt' remove 'that' and 'pump no harder' sounds awkward, maybe 'when my heart was beating it's limit' and 'beating my sister' could change to making your mother proud (make it more positive) 'team members' can change to just 'team']

I'll come back for more examples if you need it.

Besides that, you need to somehow link this back to how you benefit their school and how their school benefits you. It doesn't have to be direct, actually it should be completely indirect for this prompt. Search what the school's slogan or motto is, what they strive for and what they want. Somehow input what you can give by the story. Example: College liked creativity. I stepped out of her shadow by being an art student and creating this thingy which began as something to beat her which only ended up to my desire to create objects of beauty from garbage. Or something similar.

Hope this helps. Also watch your word limit, seems like it's above the maximum.

Undergraduate / Acrophobia. The irrational or extreme fear of heights - which prompt fits best? How to continue? [6]

Try to use the freed up characters to create more interest and a sense of contentment in the essay. - what do you mean by this?

Undergraduate / Acrophobia. The irrational or extreme fear of heights - which prompt fits best? How to continue? [6]

Thanks! I tried a different prompt because I've been told the content place is a bit cliché

MOD comment:Different prompt in different thread please

Undergraduate / My work experience - is it too cheesy to write about my lame job at McDonalds? [4]

I think it is fine to write about McDonalds.

I enjoyed how the job has helped you learn and mature, however your opening is slightly dull. Maybe talk about rush hour? Where you're doing more than just being tired and daydreaming? Talk about the pressure you mentioned in the last paragraph and describe the detail and work you needed to learn in order to cope.

Don't sound lazy or selfish. You can mention that you thought of giving up and had a struggle to overcome it.

I'm not an expert so keep in mind that this is just my opinion.

So far it has potential. Keep at it!

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Thanks for the help! Any advice on connecting the two aspects of climbing and relating it to myself? Also, how is the second half? I know the first half is alright and needs to be cut down, but does the second half need anything else? If so what?

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

I also tried something different like;

My entire body trembles as I cling desperately to ...

Climbing gave me perseverance and patience.
...

Writing Feedback / Experiences will aid you in various ways, but are no more sufficient for this contemporary world [3]

It is all about money after all in this world as far as I know. - This line is awkward to read, perhaps reword it?

shoddy - maybe don't be so casual?

The majority of human beings these days have been attempting to pursue and obtain the best qualifications since most of the places require you to possess at least one qualification.It is still possible to have none of them, however the job which does not demand you to have one is usually quite a shoddy and disappointing one.In other words, the job requires no qualification usually Is a low-paid one . As a result it is indispensable to possess at least one qualification to daydream. - this paragraph repeats itself four times.

Part of this argument is correct, - where do you explain why this is the case?

however if you do not study, you will not have enough knowledge to reach your dream job and without qualification, not many folks will even notice you because you need to be salient and there are already way too many lowbrows or who are in the scenario of living on this planet without qualification. - you repeated the second paragraph again...

So, I completely concur with the community which affirms that qualification especially the university one is imperative to have since without it, you will not be able to be anywhere near a good job due to the knowledge that you must have and people's notion. - you basically stated the question and reasons why people believe in the statement, however you did not answer why you believe what you believe. You gave no evidence, try to have a story or example of why you think it is better for people to study rather than gain experience.

Also, avoid words that are not needed such as; too, so, very - words like these are unimportant and use up your word count.

Again, try to have an example why, perhaps you tried to gain experience and was rejected, or perhaps you gained more experience from work that better prepared you for life where studying has wasted your time. Make it relevant to yourself and the question, remember most essays are meant to be about you and your experiences, not just what you think.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Social Media and reflection - my stand on it and why university prompt [3]

Hopefully this answers the prompt, as the deadline is in 2 days.

Any help on grammar, sentence structure, creativity, is much appreciated. Any changes, opinions, or ideas, just let me know.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay: Meaningful interest to complete the application. [4]

Hey there!

I'll try to focus on the flow as the content is really nice!

Okay so:
you say "the window" a bit too much in the first few sentences which ruins the flow for me, but then again if you change too many times it could also ruin the flow

I don't like the phrase "pretty bird" is there anything else you can say about it? If the bird isn't important, then you can remove "pretty" to get to the point

I think you meant "burrow" not "borrow"

Memories flash back and I saw the nine-year-old me sitting in the yard of my childhood house and trying to build a burrow, of which the excitements can still be tasted, like it never fades. - this is worded a bit clunky, "saw" is past tense, but you're past tense in the memory already, so it should be "see"? instead if "the nine" you should just say "I see my nine year old self" and instead of "and trying to" just remove "and" instead of "like it never fades" you can say "unable to fade" or "impossible to fade"

Some people are lucky to have found their interest early in life, but I have found my interest of applied physics through countless attempts. - you go with time, then for yourself you go to experiences - either say it takes others few attempts and keep your multiple attempts, or change it so you took a longer time, keep it consistent

When I first went to school at 6 and learned about science, I ... - "I first learned about science when I was six, the first time I attended school. I found it fascinating how science can be applied to various things"

I still remember my first design is an auto-filling drinking bottle - "I still remember my first design, it was an"

I admired the display for a couple of days ... - I admired the display for days as my chest continued to swell with satisfaction

I hope these help, hopefully they give a goo example of how to restate your sentences and create a nice coherent flow.

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

thanks for the help on my last essay, could you help me out again?

Graduate / Fragment of my cover letter for a postdoc position - I am finishing a PhD in Molecular Neuroscience [3]

Hello!

So I read through it and it has a bunch of inserts that you don't really say (%%, &&. etc) I was wondering if there was a reason to this?

Additionally:
I believe that my positive feedback are the reflection of my passion for sharing knowledge in an engaging way to convey information to students effectively. - Maybe it would be better to elaborate as to what the positive feedback is as they may not know

I have already presented + I have already designed + my superior education - the use of "already" and "superior" sound arrogant to me [but maybe that's just me?]

I consider that telling both academics and broader audiences what we do and find in the laboratory is of great importance if we want society to understand the importance of our research. - you're basically saying "if we want them to think an orange is a fruit, we tell them it is a fruit" I don't really see the point of this? Either emphasize that people don't see that orange is a fruit then explain how you will convince them that it is a fruit. [The orange being a fruit is a metaphor for the importance of your research, perhaps say what it could benefit society or whatever it is that your research is set out to do]

From this I have no idea what this cover letter is for, you generally brag about things you have done and don't implicitly say what you want or what you want to achieve, besides the generic "I want to teach and do my own research" - what makes you any different from other people who want to do exactly that? Is your research amazingly new? Do you have characteristics, experience, or traits that make you different and unique? If so, tell us!

Anyways, that's all I got. Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

The similarities between climbing and editing - my motivation to joining a film program

The prompt is: A motivational letter explaining why you want to be a part of the program. [The program being film]

I tried to avoid being generic and the whole "film changed my life, here is a sad backstory] and instead used the similarities between climbing and editing to fuse the motivations together.

However, my main issue is I have a bunch of things that just say my positive traits and am unsure if it should still be in the essay or not. Also, does it answer the prompt, overall?

My entire body trembles as I cling desperately to the wall for support. I dangle precariously at the edge of an overhang, my body swinging like a pendulum, my entire weight dependent on the grip of my right hand and the collection of my muscles.

Suddenly I freeze. [...]

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

I thought it would stand out more from other applicants if I were to make it more entertaining. I also tried to drive away from the whole cliche "film changed my life motivation".

So what exactly is a motivational letter? Would what I wrote be ignored?

Also, thanks for reading and the advice. I'll get back to you with a new draft!

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Thanks for the help! Here's what I got so far [I need to cut 400 words though]

My entire body trembles as I cling desperately to the wall for support. I dangle precariously at the edge of an overhang, my body swinging like a pendulum, my entire weight dependent on the grip of my right hand.

I defy gravity.

Suddenly I freeze.

"Crap!" there's a shotgun boom mic within the shot of me climbing. I crop the scene and slow the footage for dramatic effect. I watch frame by frame as the narrative continues.

I defy time.

The millionth climb, always managing to make it harder. The 27th take that I took that day alone and I was exhausted on the 5th.

Anything for the perfect take and climb.

Sweat escapes from the pores from my hands, cut and bleeding, loosening my grip. Muscles fatigued, energy and strength drained from intense movement. Sweat seeps down my brow, an ever growing river flows, heat of the computer and displays pulsing to my body. I release my grip on the mouse and keyboard. Muscles cramped, restless and strained from the lack of movement.

Against the bleeding and overflowing river of sweat that continuously sweeps away the little energy I have, my perseverance a towering colossus stands its ground.

Both the last climb and last piece of footage, both the best.
I need to make them count.

In the shot I'm in a precarious position, underneath an overhang with all my weight on my right arm. Dangerously close to giving up and falling. Except, climbing is a puzzle, a set of steps to get from point A to point B. A ladder that was disassembled and assembled into a piece of art, a path which you invent as you climb. Like all puzzles, this one has a solution. Brute strength is not the answer; all I have is technique and experience. Sitting in my room staring at my display I'm in an awkward position, it's been an hour and I have yet to make progress. Dangerously close to giving up and switching off. Except, editing a film, like a puzzle is a work of art. Piecing together footage into one coherent narrative. A moment in a person's life that was recorded in random order and has yet to be organized. Like all puzzles, this one has a solution. Having to rely on sparks of inspiration is not the answer; all I have is creativity and experience.

I reposition myself to balance my weight onto the reserved strength of my legs, altering my posture. I strain my eyes to notice every detail of the scene, from screen and wall, collecting ideas.

Watching the screen, noting every detail, reflecting on what climbing and editing has done for me.

Climbing led to multitudes of opportunities, giving me motivation to provide assistance for young climbers, creating and leading the first climbing club for my high school. New goals appeared in fitness and health, with more discipline and responsibilities, increasing and strengthening my potential. It gave me a way to reflect on life, to relieve stress and pain. Likewise, editing led to new branches, to stronger roots, and higher sights. It gave me the motivation to write my films, to direct, film and edit, to create my own stories. To make new life out of the life that I already own. It led me to join the broadcasting team in my high school which streamed online, editing live, and working a camera on the field where retakes are impossible. It increased my standards as it forced me to perceive media with a more critique eye. It led me to start a review page with hundreds of followers who read and react to my reviews. Additionally it motivated me to create a YouTube channel full of my diverse films, enabling myself to communicate ideas, memories, and messages to a larger audience. Due to these activities and attributes I gained, I was motivated to continue my pursuit in editing and climbing. Aiming to prolong the growth that they have both started.

As I place the cuts in order, transitioning seamlessly with the footage and the audio, I render the work area and reflect. Reflecting on how climbing and editing counters the inability of life.

In life we have no control over a lot; often they're out of our power and depth. This does not apply to climbing or editing, both cases I am in control. I control the amount of times I climb, the height I go, the path I take. I control my strength, persistence, and creativity. When a situation doesn't go my way, for instance this climb, a new approach is needed. By retracing my steps, giving myself a different perspective, I have opened myself to new possibilities. Just like the challenge of this climb required an open mind, climbing has opened my mind in other areas of my life. It drove me to workout daily, to reflect and be creative in film and writing, giving me humility to know my limits and how to improve and learn. As for editing it has given me the ability to control every aspect of film, determining the final outcome. Editing allows me full reign in the film industry. Where I am able to create works of wonder with footage that was mediocre, while maintaining the humility to realize how far editing can take a film, from completely altering the emotions portrayed, to the complexity of changing the story.

Blinking away the sweat that has rolled onto my eyes, I use the last of my strength to pull myself up. My feet land onto solid ground, my legs quiver, my forearms are stiff, and I can't feel the tips of my fingers. As I strain my mind to think of a creative way to edit this piece, I use the deep rooted emotions that the footage portrays and place them in an order that expresses the correct message. I fix the flaws in footage, correct the color, and manipulate what I can control to complete the film to the best of my ability. I save, render, and export. My eyes are sore, my fingers twitching, and I can't seem to get the visuals out of my head.

Beijing Film Academy. It's program contains the basic and advanced needs and skills for film. It targets my interests as much as it targets my requirements. They provide the entertainment and intellectual information I need to fulfill my desire to learn and develop. Consisting of courses and programs that benefit my career choices in film with an environment that will vastly improve my character for the real world and for self improvement. Having a progressive program that is committed to excellence in filmmaking is perfect for me. Having the want to create a stimulating environment where I can realize my potential is a great way to transition smoothly into a working professional. The school has a safe learning environment with top of the line facilities and equipment. They believe in treating all students with fairness no matter your country of origin, religion, age or sex. Also promoting the acceptance of ideas from all cultures and don't believe in only having one way of thinking. This is welcoming for myself as I am an international student of a diverse background.

I flex my fingers, crack my knuckles; I look at the climb, the edit, that I just completed. I place my hands and feet back on the wall, on the keyboard and mouse. Hell, I finished this climb, this edit, might as well start another.

My motivation to join their program is grand.
My motivation is my fundamental needs to climb and edit.

My motivation to edit is the same as my motivation to climb. It defies everything we are capable of. In climbing we defy gravity, we determine how we climb, how high up we go, our perspective alters our view above what gravity tells us is possible. In editing we defy time, we determine the speed of our life, the order of events, our perspective alters our view that is nonexistent in our linear narrative.

Time is altered by gravity.
Gravity is shown through spacetime.

Personally; climbing and editing has altered the other, both one side of the same coin.

Picture a film strip laid out flat, held together from one end to the other. Time is continuous throughout, a constant measurement within the film. Placing a large rock onto the film creates a dent. This dent alters the structure of the film.

No longer continuous.
No longer constant.

The film is now perceived as slower where it is dented and faster where it is not.
The film is time and the rock is gravity.

Editing and climbing are one and the same.