Graduate / "an incoming generation of innovative leaders in financial industry"; MIT Sloan 'experiences' essay [4]

The task is to draw upon experiences which have occurred in the past three years. MIT Sloan essay

Guys, here is my first draft, I am not sure if I meet its requirement. Any comment or recommendation is highly appreciated! I need you guys opinion on the content and use of words. Thanks!

In the short run, I would like to start from a Financial Service Manager in a branch of a world-class commercial bank in order to gain a foothold in business community. While in the long run, I want to be promoted to the president of that branch. Should my short term goal not work out, I would go to a domestic commercial bank. This career plan squares with my passion and my forte and I am ready to explore my own potential towards that end.

As a senior from a top university in China, having spent three years studying International Economics and Trade, I managed to furnish myself with fundamental theories and principles of financial market. In addition, I seized every opportunity to participate in applied learning projects. For instance, I once led a team of six members to conduct a research "An Analysis of the Current Community Banks in China" in National Challenge for College Students. As a team leader, I allocated tasks according to their strengths and supervised overall progress of our research and made adjustments when necessary. Under my leadership, we analyzed the status of community banks, and the public's opinions on the community banks through different sources and made suggestion for the development of the community banks in China in the context of the commercial banks taking dominant role. We completed a 50-page research report and ranked top 20 among the 200 competing teams. This experience really boosted my interest in banking. Therefore, I wanted to accumulate professional industry experiences through conducting internships in banks.

In the summer of 2014, I took up a role as an intern analyst in Corporate Banking Department of China CITIC Bank, a perfect platform to further sharpen my competitiveness. I was entrusted with an assortment of tasks, ranging from on-site investigation of the client companies' mortgage, analysis of client companies' financial statements to compiling credit investigation reports. I learned the methods of credit analysis, industry analysis, as well as how to communicate with financial professional staff. I not only improved my analytical ability but also enhanced my professional maturity.

Later on, I went to China Merchants Bank, a prominent domestic commercial bank, to work as an assistant to the Financial Service Manager. Through conducting face-to-face interviews with VIP clients, I discovered their financing needs and introduced suitable financial products to them, in the process of which my interpersonal skills were further improved. Also, engaged in dealing with complaints, I enhanced my capability in tackling difficult situations. For example, one client appreciated my concise explanation and sincere attitude and his misunderstanding of the calculation methods of his monthly credit card bill was dispelled, in the process of which my problem-solving ability was greatly enhanced.

To summarize, my leadership skills and communication skills is consistent with MIT mission of "an incoming generation of innovative leaders in financial industry". In addition, I have obtained experience in personal banking, from which I will share my insights into the Chinese financial industry. To improve my competitiveness in the future job market, I still need a systematic training in finance, especially corporate finance. Studying in the U.S. is such a good opportunity to gain acquaintance with different cultures and to experience the most dynamic financial market, which will provide me with crucial insights about life and career. The MF in program at MIT Sloan attracts me most because of its world-class faculty, innovative curriculum, and abundant academic opportunities. Furthering my study under the guidance of our distinguished faculty who has both abundant industry experience and academic accomplishment will enable me to absorb the invaluable hands-on business acumen and expand my personal connections. The multiple electives incorporated in your curriculum will provide me with flexibility to choose what I like and what I need for my future career development. For instance, I may choose electives in Capital Markets, and Corporate Finance to support the realization of my short-term and long-term goals. In addition, the opportunity to be onsite at a financial firm during your one-month Finance Research Practicum or engaged in a Pro-seminar with finance industry experts will significantly strengthen my capability in gaining valuable internships and future job-hunting. I believe that after accomplishing my graduate study in your school, my leadership potential will be fully developed, laying a solid foundation for my business leader career in the long run.

Graduate / Here is my essay for Carey Business school of John Hopkins. I need your advices. [5]

Business leaders have the ability to create opportunities, build products and systems, and inspire others to action. Please describe a time you created an opportunity, built a new product or system, or inspired others to act. The example you provide and elaborate upon may come from your professional endeavors, academic pursuits or civic engagements. (500 word maximum)

As far as I am concerned, a good leader develops a comprehensive overview of the situation and monitors the whole process; a successful and commendable leader masters the essential skills about motivating others to work effectively, and hence make a due contribution to the common success of the team.

One of the most typical examples demonstrating my leadership can be referred to the experience that I motivated other team members to take an active part and ensured the success of the report "An Analysis of the Current Community Banks in China" in the competition National Challenge for College Students.

To establish a competitive participation team, I specially selected other five talented team members who had expertise in different areas, including creative thinking, quantitative research, graphic design, copywriting and etc. In this way, I secured a solid foundation for our later success.

As a democratic leader, I chose to start our preparation with a brainstorm meeting to utilize the collective wisdom of our team to the largest extent. Through the brainstorm, we decided to conduct research of the community banks in Nanjing, Nantong, and Chongqing. The first phase was to collect data by the method of questionnaire in an aim to improve the quality of our research. I allocated tasks to different team members according to their living addresses because it was the summer holiday.

What is worth mentioning is the progress of a team member, Ying, both professionally and mentally, with my encouragement. When asked about the suggestions of the interviewees, she blurred her words. I further inquired her about the working period of the staff in community banks. She gave me the information about the traditional banks. She felt sorry for not conducting the research in person, but only by internet. I convinced her to treat the research project with earnestness by making the point that one can learn a lot from this research. Under my guidance, she conducted the first investigation successfully and was thrilled to visit another community bank. With much effort and enthusiasm, she finished the most comprehensive research among the team members. In addition, she even offered to stay in Nanjing to conduct further research.

Moreover, one team member could not take part in on-site investigation because of academic reasons. Therefore, I re-allocated the investigation tasks and sent her to interview students in the Business School of Nanjing University and made her in charge of the logistics.

In our later work, I always endeavored to create a democratic and cooperative environment in our team. I kept a smooth communication channel between my team members and myself. Under my guidance, everyone was able to share his or her opinions with me via different communication methods. In such an agreeable team environment, we finally accomplished a high-quality research report and ranked top 20 among the 200 competing teams.( Does this ending is too short and not powerful ?)

Graduate / Here is my optional essay for Carey Business school. I need your advice. [3]

Please describe three of your primary strengths and how those strengths have been put into action for the betterment of the communities or businesses you have served or endeavors you have pursued. Also share one area in need of improvement and the steps you have taken to improve within that area. (250 words maximum)

The three strengths of mine are enthusiastic, hard-working and devoted, which can be represented by the volunteering work that I have dedicated myself to throughout my undergraduate years. I took the initiative to communicate with the person in charge of RuiHaiBo Gerontal Rehabilitation Center in Nanjing and worked out a plan to organize students in the Young Volunteers Association to help the elderly there regularly. As an enthusiast leader and with a true heart to serve, I went there on a weekly basis, even several times a week. What is more, I not only spent my whole time there accompanying them, watching TV or chatting, but also contacted them in a most earnest way whenever I have time, which proves my strong sense of responsibility and hard work. More importantly, devoted to this volunteering work, I took into my heart the likes and dislikes of the elderly people. For instance, I learned from my communication with a grandpa that he likes pecans. Therefore, I brought pecans from my hometown which is famous for pecans. Whenever I went back to my hometown, I would bring several packages to the grandpa. These three strengths which I have cultivated through these years helped me excel in the volunteering work and contribute to the betterment of the community that I served.

Nevertheless, though I have a good command of communication skills, sometimes I seem to be a bit aggressive in my areas of expertise. I asked for suggestions from my teachers and family, and listened to their feedbacks patiently and humbly. Later on, I gradually remedied this shortcoming.:-D

Thank you for your suggestions :-D