Writing Feedback / The line graph indicates about the proportion of diarrhea patients in Mashhad for nine years period [3]

@debby17

Here are some points that I think you should take into consideration to make your writing task even better:

1- It seems too mechanical and obviously you've tired to follow some rules and patterns provided by a template. So, try to make your writings more flexible and use as various words as you can.

2- Using "while" followed immediately by a "," at the beginning of a sentence seems wrong to my eyes. We normally use while at the beginning of a sentence to show a contrast between two facts. According to Wikipedia:

While can also be legitimately used in the contrastive sense, comparable to the words "although" or "whereas", provided that it is not ambiguous :

"While I like cats, my husband is allergic."
As you see, comma "," is used right after the first clause indicating a contrast between the first clause and the second one.

Writing Feedback / Summary TED - How to grow fresh air - NASA's concept [3]

@Abrahamlincoln

Dear Lincoln, put these points into consideration:

1- "decreased by almost 70 %". "by" follows "decrease" when the figure is in percentage. As for numbers we use "to" : " decreased to 9 bottle per hour "

2- "avoid inhaling polluted air unless it will weaken his body". Probably, you meant to use "or else". " unless" does not make sense in this sentence.

3- over come such a problem. "such problems" vs "such a problem"
4-"removing C02 and then change it to be oxygen". Replace "change" with "turn". "removing C02 and then turn it into oxygen"

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

@Holt
Hi Mary,
According to CEU website, "applicants must attach a 500-word typewritten essay on the relevance of their academic/professional background to graduate study at CEU and to their future career goals." In addition, the website elaborates :

"First and foremost, we are interested in finding out about your academic interest in gender studies. The best way to tell us is to describe a research project you are planning to do for your MA thesis. Such a mini research proposal does not have to be longer than two paragraphs, but it should contain a research question you are interested in pursuing, and some theoretical justification for doing the study. It is important to indicate briefly the methodology you will be using and your academic preparation for carrying out such a project."

So, I am not sure what category the essay would fall into!

gender.ceu.edu/ma-program-requirements

Writing Feedback / Some researchers analyse and say that, you are not too old to learn new skills [4]

@lalodhi
In my opinion it would be better if you use shorter sentences. Also, to me it seems that you are too obsessive with large words. I think using a wide variety of structures does more to make your essay look professional. Here is my recommendation for the first paragraph:

It is safe to say that education plays a pivotal role in modern life.Some analysts believe that one is never too old to learn new skills. On the other hand, some hold contrary views. The following essay tries to discuss the both sides providing cogent reasons and examples.

Writing Feedback / Art can soar economy of the country - spending money for it [5]

@Omerzafar
If I were you, I wouldn't start my writing with an adverb. Instead, I would write a general topic sentence representing the whole paragraph.

My suggestion: There is no dispute that art represents a country's cultural heritage and the richness of its history.
Then you can take a number of examples and provide various reasons proving your point. So, your third sentence which points to the role of art in a country's economy could itself be a topic sentence for your second paragraph.

Also, you shouldn't use space before ",".

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

@Holt
Hi Mary,
I put your points into consideration and here is my last version of the essay aimed to be send to the university.

As a student who was highly engaged in political activities in university, I first became aware of the depth of the issue of gender seeing how female students work diligently to raise the awareness regarding the disparities between men and women in our society. It was then that I came to understand how the problems related to the gender were central to many other political problems that I was trying to address. As soon as I understood the fact that democracy was unachievable in a society in which men continued to subjugate women, I started to become more committed to elimination of the discriminations towards women. In doing so, my family was my first arena and I started to make my younger sister familiar with the rights that she was denied. Later, as I read more, I realized that the problem was not just about men and women, but also it was about power and the ways that hegemonic masculinity was at work to marginalize other sexual identities. So, I decided to fight against all cultural practices that perpetuated such a marginalization. Such A mission requires me to take an academic course, so I am hopeful that studying in the gender studies course offered by Central European University will allow me to gain a better understanding of cultural forces behind such a marginalization.

As for my thesis, we should first take a look at Iranians' drama, theater and cinema that are in my focus. Iranian's drama and cinema witnessed a new wave of anti-imperial and anti-colonial sentiments during 60s and 70s. A phenomenon that was directly under influence of global anti-colonial discourse that had found its way into Iranian's Intellectual circles. While Iran's relationship with the west was at its pinnacle and Iran's economy was booming, many new scholars and writers emerged holding a pessimist view towards the west and the capitalistic values that it represents. Among them were famous names such as Gholam-Hossein Sa'edi, Jalal Al-e Ahmad and Ali Shariati. Having influenced by thinkers such as Frantz Fanon, they all tried to attack the rapid pace of westernization that they believed was poisoning Iranians' mind and society. In that respect, the drama of the time became filled with a wide variety of metaphors showing two oppositional forces representing the west and Iranian's untouched traditional society. So, exactly here the main question of my thesis arises.

Taking into consideration that the main focus of the male-dominated writers of the time was anti-colonial sentiments and rejecting the western values, my thesis will primarily try to answer the question that "how were women represented in the Iranian drama and cinema during 60s and 70s?". In other words, how masculine power, in a Foucauldian sense, influenced the anti-colonial movement of Iran and helped one special anti-colonial type of patriarchy render women voiceless. I will then look into the fact that how such influence has had an effect on today's situation of women within Iran and Middle East as a whole.

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

Merged:

Women's situation in Iran. My essay for applying for Gender Studies.

Iran has one of the strongest student activism in the Middle East. So, as an Iranian student, I first became aware of the issue of gender at the student meetings during bachelor years. Although I had known the limitations and disparities that a woman such as my sister had to face in my family and society since my teen, I wasn't much aware of women's right movement as a political entity. The more I became engaged in student activism the better I understood the fact that we couldn't achieve democracy until men continued to subjugate women. Then, I joined the feminist student club in our university and started fighting for women's right. Unfortunately, our activism didn't bear much fruit and we faced Iron fist of the government.

It was during master's years that I started to think about the women's situation more critically. Through reading Simone de Beauvoir's books I came to understand that we also had the option to fight the disparities in a cultural level. Studying in Tehran University of Art, I conducted a research regarding how women were represented in Iran's pre-revolution drama and novels focusing on the works of Gholam-Hossein Sa'edi and Jalal Al-e Ahmad.

Having studied such a subject in the dominant anti-colonial and anti-imperialistic discourse of pre-revolution Iran, the question raised that "Why did Iranians, including both male and female scholars, hate western feminism so much?" I think the question is so important because there is a direct link between such a hatred and the level of oppression that Iranian, even Middle Eastern, women face at the moment. I found it interesting that Iranian scholars tended to associate western feminism with the imperialistic views of the west. According to them, there was a sharp distinction between rural and urban Iranian women. While they tried to represent rural Iranian women as the holders of rich and pure Iranian values, the western lifestyle of urban-educated Iranian women who took responsibilities outside the house was completely strange to them. To them, such a strangeness was frightening and menacing and at same time a new cultural weapon by which the imperialistic west wanted to undermine Iranians' identity.

As for my thesis, I will try to look into the stereotypical images of rural and urban Iranian women focusing on Iranian drama and cinema in 60s and 70s. Further, I want to answer the aforementioned question by showing the fact that Iranian scholars tended to blame feminism and the west for the new image of Iranian women. In fact, not only the middle class western feminism did not help Iranian educated women, but made it easier for the anti-colonial movement of the time to silence them. After that, the issue that how such a belief has had an effect on today's Iranian women will be investigated. As for the theoretical part, I will draw on the works of Michel Foucault, Edward Said and Gayatri Spivak.

Graduate / My essay for applying for Gender studies MA offered by Centeral European University. [9]

@Holt
Mary, we discuss the fact that the essay must be a statement of purpose or motivation letter here at length:

https://essayforum.com/graduate/applying-gender-studies-offered-centeral-73919/merged

I think I am on the right track based on what you've told me before. I put my final draft here mainly because I want to know if i have made any obvious grammatical mistake or if my English is good enough for an academic essay.

Thank you very much