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Posts by LUBR2310
Name: LUBIS
Joined: Oct 16, 2017
Last Post: Oct 17, 2017
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: INDONESIA

Displayed posts: 7
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LUBR2310   
Oct 17, 2017
Undergraduate / Transfer essay about discovering the pharmaceutical field as a career path - Common App Prompt [3]

Hi @bloomdalerx here are some corrections that might help you:

1. The first thing I ever wanted to be in my life ... --->
- Since it is an app prompt essay, I believe you should write in more formal style.
- My first goal is to become a lawyer because it is simple and safe yet rewarding. or
- To become a lawyer is the job that I want to achieve when I was a teenager because it is simple and safe yet rewarding.

2. For a few years after that decision, I felt content,...--->
- Few years after that decision, I feel satisfied with the achievements that I made. However, as time goes by, I grew up so did my interest and at that time, I wanted to be a fashion designer.
LUBR2310   
Oct 17, 2017
Scholarship / I determine to apply for the Chevening 2018-19 scholarship - answer to leadership question [3]

Hi @esraa mowafy here are some corrections that might help you:

1. Fortunately, I grew up in a good family environment... --->
- I don't think to put fortunately or unfortunately in the beginning of your paragraphs is right because these words usually put in the first of sentences to add explanation or contrast. I put my corrections in the following sentence.

- I am so lucky that I grew up in... or
- It is a fortune for me to grow up in...

2. In 2014 I was selected... --->
- It is a minor mistake that you did not pay attention to the punctuation but it still should be noted. I put my corrections in the following sentence.

- In 2014, I was selected...

3. In order to do this mission ... --->
- In order to complete this mission, I had to form a team consist of 3 clinical pharmacists...

4. ...my choice was based on knowledge, experience... --->
- You can simply continue the previous sentence without this sign (;) ...that I choose based on their knowledge, experience, unique skills and ability to be a team player.

- Or you can start a new statement I choose my team based on their knowledge, experience...
LUBR2310   
Oct 17, 2017
Undergraduate / The developed countries should share their wealth with the poor nations [3]

Should the wealthy nation be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

IELTS WRITING TASK II - WEALTHY AND POOR COUNTRY



The definition of wealthy nations is the countries having a high Gross Domestic Product (GDP) per capita each year with a small number of citizens and the availability of both human and technology resources. Meanwhile, the poor nations are the countries earning less GDP per capita each year with a considerable number of citizen and only has the human resources. Therefore, the wealthy countries should share their wealth with the poor countries because usually, they earn the money from the poor countries and such action will contribute to the advance of the poor nations

The developed countries should share their expenses to the underdeveloped country because usually the earn it by doing the economic trading and oil drilling in those poor countries. A recent study by Oxford University shows more than 80 percent of the wealth had by the developed state is achieved by oil drilling and the developing states do not get a fair share by this action. It is true that the rich nations should share their fortune with the poor nations.

Moreover, it cannot be denied that poor states are left behind in some ways such as health and education. Hence, the developed nations should help them by sharing their wealth because it will also help them to get a better economic trading agreement. A research run by Australia Government in 2016 shows that 78 percent of people having a good education background has bright minded to think economically. It is true that helping the poor nations will benefit the developed countries so they should share their wealth.

To conclude, developed nations have higher GDP than underdeveloped countries. Hence, the developed countries should share their wealth because they earn it by doing some acts involving the poor nations, such as oil drilling. In addition, the higher the education quality of the citizen in the developing countries, the better the cooperation plan of the economy that will be had by the rich countries.
LUBR2310   
Oct 17, 2017
Scholarship / Being experienced at different leadership positions throughout whole life [3]

Hi @Yommy here are some corrections from me that might help you:

1. Vince Lombardi once said, "Leaders are made... --->
- I believe not everyone acknowledges the person that you mentioned. Hence, you should also put his background like what I do in the following sentence.

- An American professional football executive in the National Football League, named Vince Lombardi, once said, "Leaders are made...

2. I acquired valuable... ---> I acquire valuable...

3. Even with these qualities, I still have countless ...

- I don't think you should mention your shortcomings since the essay asking you to point out your strengths in leadership. However, if you still want to write it, I put some changes as suggestions in the following sentence.

- Indeed/ As a matter of fact, (please don't use even in your essay, because it has double meanings) I still have countless things to learn such as ...
LUBR2310   
Oct 17, 2017
Scholarship / Chevening Leadership and Influence answer, anyone check my essay. [4]

Hi, here are some corrections that might be helping you:

1. Since this is the essay that you use to apply for a scholarship, it will be better if you write in more formal sentences.

2. ---> Challenge is not the unfamiliar word for me

3. What I know is finding ... ---> I understand that in life I have to always find solutions to overcome the challenges

4. Moreover, challenge is ... ---> Moreover, I believe the challenge is the important factor to lead others

5. From beginning of high ... ---> Since I was in high school I faced many different obstacles, but I realized that I have to solve the problem.

6. For example, during ... ---> For example, I failed repeatedly in mathematics.
I think you should not do the repetition of "school" since you already mention it in the previous sentence.

7. I did not give up I ... ---> To overcome my weakness in this subject I run research and focus to solve the problem without even thinking to give up.

8. the result was not only improvement ...
--->
- It's actually a little bit confusing when you write ".....my analytical skills, but also a book for other....." because, in the way you write it, it has two different subjects, yet you didn't mention the second one. People will not understand, do you write the book? If you write it, then you have to mention it. Or you can change the subject to be the same like what I do in the following sentence.

- My effort to understand mathematics was paying off because I already improve my analytical skills and I also share my knowledge in books that I write for helping others who encountered similar problems with me when dealing with this subject.

- The book is titled "Fundamentals of Arithmetic, Probability, and Statistics" which is a book for easy understanding and improvement of analytical skills of students who want to study Engineering and Economics.
LUBR2310   
Oct 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK II - TRADITIONAL AND MODERN MUSIC; each type has different purposes and style [2]

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

the traditional music should be further cultivated



The existence of varied music in the world nowadays is an inevitable fact. This condition comes from understanding that music has many positive impacts towards human life. For instance, it is believed to make the listener relax, it has spirit, and it also helps people to speak out their ideas. Moreover, there are two different points of views questioning about the importance of traditional and modern music. This essay support people to preserve their traditional music.

The music that often we heard currently is a product of modern music. Modern music is made based on the actual condition appeared nowadays. The purposes written in the modern music actually picture about the love and hate that people build and the failure and struggle that they faced. A current study released by Australia Act Society found that modern music helps 56 percent of people to get rid of negative thoughts because of the written lyrics. However, the study also presents the fact that this type of music does not enhance their affection to their country at all. It is true that the modern music is good o improve the personal feeling of the listener but not gather their feeling to their nation.

Another type of music is traditional music. The traditional music is made to describe the homeland and culture, the struggle and war, and the sad and victory story. The purposes of this type of music are to make the listener became more proud of their country, enhance their nationality, and to increase their spirit in life. A research run by the University of Cambridge in 2016 shows that more than 80 percent athletes listening to their national anthem and traditional music before the match are winning the tournament no matter how they feel about it before. It cannot be denied that the traditional music is great to enhance the personal feelings and nationality of the listener.

To conclude, each type of music has different purposes and written style. People need music because of its positive impact on the listener feel. Moreover, people have to maintain the existence of traditional music and should listen to this type more often because it comes with many benefits personally and nationally.
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