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The bar charts compares the percentage of Australian men and women who do regular exercise

Chi Han 3 / 4 2  
Oct 16, 2017   #1
The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

are australian people fit?

The bar charts compares the percentage of Australian men and women who do regular exercise in different ages in 2010.

Men do more regular physical activity than women in the youngest aged group (15 to 24), while women exercise more than men in the next four older age groups. The percentage are the same for both sex who are aged 65 and over.

The highest percentage of Australian men with exercise habits is 52.8%, which is for the age of 15 to 24. As the age goes up, this percentage drops to the lowest point of 39.5% for the age of 35 to 44.

As for women, the percentage slowly increases from 47.7% (15 to 24) and reaches to the peak of 53.3 (45 to 54). The percentage is almost the same for the age of 55 to 64 (53%), however fall to 47.1% for the women aged 65 and over.

Much appreciate if anyone who helps me correct the grammar and vocabulary usage!!

LUBR2310 2 / 5 1  
Oct 17, 2017   #2
Hi @Chi Han here are some corrections that might help you:

1. ... however, it falls to 47.1% for ...

2. ... in the youngest aged group (15 to 24).

3. The percentage is the same for both...

4. ...which is at the age ...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,956 4807  
Oct 17, 2017   #3
Lu, you have an even bigger problem than just your grammar. Your essay is only one word over the minimum requirement. That tells me that you did a number of things wrong in this essay. What are those things? Let's break it down.

1. Your opening paraphrase is incomplete. You neglected to present the age groups used in the bar charts, the type of measurement being used, and the discussion instruction for the original prompt. This should have easily comprised 5 sentences, which means, your TA score will be failing based on individual considerations.

2. You presented information in a parenthesis. Since this is an analytical essay, you should not house information in an "optional" section because all of the information in this illustration is important and thus, needs to be presented directly to the reader.

3. All of your sentences do not number in the form of a paragraph. You write no more than 2 sentences each. As per the C&C considerations for scoring, you need to present complete paragraphs in order to get a high score. So write no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5 as per the regulations for that section.

4. You do not have a proper summary overview that includes a properly developed trending statement.

Basically, you should work on writing more sentences at the moment. The grammar and vocabulary usage will also be helped by your increased writing practice.
AliminHamzah 6 / 9 4  
Oct 18, 2017   #4
hi Chi Han. glad to read your writing, you wrote more than 150 and you sometime using well grammar its good. On the other hand, your introduction and your overall is not nice, and each your paragraph have to 3 sentences. I suggest you to make good comparison in your overall previously your body paragraph in the below. in addition, you can paraphrase the passage for your introduction.

I hope it help.

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