Cabradasbrisa
Dec 8, 2018
Undergraduate / Common application essay - When that Eisenbahn hit me [3]
Thanks for the comments! :)
Thanks for the comments! :)
Cabradasbrisa
Dec 8, 2018
Undergraduate / Common application essay - When that Eisenbahn hit me [3]
Hello,
I just wrote an essay for the Common Application on the topic: "Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." Could you give me some feedback? I suppose I should develop my ideas a little more - what do you think?
It was summer after ninth grade. Sweating, I run the stairs up, ignoring my cat's protests for a stroke. My back bending with the weight of the bags I carry, I open the door wide and, after a deep breath, scream for my mother, announcing that I'd collected the donations for Lavras that year. This was when that Eisenbahn hit me.
Instead of my mother's enthusiastic medium-pitched timbre, a mutter reaches my ears, and, as I carefully step into my house, a nauseant and wispy smell initially stuns me. Looking ahead after dominating my stomach, I see my mother lying on the wet floor, feebly trying to hide from my sight; besides her, the source of the stink: four empty bottles of beer. Numb, I watch her giving confusing excuses. Only after minutes of hesitation, I lean over her, feeling the alcoholic sweat dripping on my shirt, as we make our way to her bedroom. In spite of her useless objections, I place my mother's frail body on the bed.
Though rare at first, the scenes of this dreadful woman became more and more present in my life. Soon, I had to replace my mother in my house, cooking and cleaning for my brother and father after going to school, only to hide in other worlds at night: Philip K. Dick and Asimov would accompany me to planets far away from my reality, making me forget the body which laid, semiconscious, on the bed. I was sure the world was fulfilled with worst miseries, but I couldn't avoid feeling helpless as the image of that decrepit woman washed away the old pictures of my mother, the teacher who would spend her nights reading Lord of the Rings for me and my brother before we slept.
After that endless summer and the subsequent month, I was determined to forget what happened at home. As result, to forget what awaited me after class, I started consuming my time with other students. Tutoring was, in that time, my escape route, through which I shared what really mattered to me: science, the lens of the past and the future. And by the end of the year, I also took part in ACDEM, a project for helping children physical and mental problems. When I first went there, seeing those kids determinated to fight their diseases, I couldn't help, but to think about my mother. She, like those people, had health problems - but, unlike them, she was alone. It was easy for me to blame her for the alcoholism, but did I ever try to help her overcome it?
I was able to captivate my friends with science and make them laugh in difficult time, but I hadn't use my jokes or smile with the one who raised me and, now, so badly needed my help. The next day, after my German class, I bought my mother's favorite chocolate and placed it next to her pillow, with a small letter, despite the terrible memories entering her room always brought back. The next day, we surrendered.
Nowadays, though still fighting alcoholism, my mother has my help, as I accompany her during her theraphy and, in spite of not being a psicologist, try to make her days happier. However painful her addition has been to both of us, it also revealed my passion for science and teaching; without it, I wouldn't be myself.
background, identity essay
Hello,
I just wrote an essay for the Common Application on the topic: "Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." Could you give me some feedback? I suppose I should develop my ideas a little more - what do you think?
It was summer after ninth grade. Sweating, I run the stairs up, ignoring my cat's protests for a stroke. My back bending with the weight of the bags I carry, I open the door wide and, after a deep breath, scream for my mother, announcing that I'd collected the donations for Lavras that year. This was when that Eisenbahn hit me.
Instead of my mother's enthusiastic medium-pitched timbre, a mutter reaches my ears, and, as I carefully step into my house, a nauseant and wispy smell initially stuns me. Looking ahead after dominating my stomach, I see my mother lying on the wet floor, feebly trying to hide from my sight; besides her, the source of the stink: four empty bottles of beer. Numb, I watch her giving confusing excuses. Only after minutes of hesitation, I lean over her, feeling the alcoholic sweat dripping on my shirt, as we make our way to her bedroom. In spite of her useless objections, I place my mother's frail body on the bed.
Though rare at first, the scenes of this dreadful woman became more and more present in my life. Soon, I had to replace my mother in my house, cooking and cleaning for my brother and father after going to school, only to hide in other worlds at night: Philip K. Dick and Asimov would accompany me to planets far away from my reality, making me forget the body which laid, semiconscious, on the bed. I was sure the world was fulfilled with worst miseries, but I couldn't avoid feeling helpless as the image of that decrepit woman washed away the old pictures of my mother, the teacher who would spend her nights reading Lord of the Rings for me and my brother before we slept.
After that endless summer and the subsequent month, I was determined to forget what happened at home. As result, to forget what awaited me after class, I started consuming my time with other students. Tutoring was, in that time, my escape route, through which I shared what really mattered to me: science, the lens of the past and the future. And by the end of the year, I also took part in ACDEM, a project for helping children physical and mental problems. When I first went there, seeing those kids determinated to fight their diseases, I couldn't help, but to think about my mother. She, like those people, had health problems - but, unlike them, she was alone. It was easy for me to blame her for the alcoholism, but did I ever try to help her overcome it?
I was able to captivate my friends with science and make them laugh in difficult time, but I hadn't use my jokes or smile with the one who raised me and, now, so badly needed my help. The next day, after my German class, I bought my mother's favorite chocolate and placed it next to her pillow, with a small letter, despite the terrible memories entering her room always brought back. The next day, we surrendered.
Nowadays, though still fighting alcoholism, my mother has my help, as I accompany her during her theraphy and, in spite of not being a psicologist, try to make her days happier. However painful her addition has been to both of us, it also revealed my passion for science and teaching; without it, I wouldn't be myself.
Cabradasbrisa
Dec 8, 2018
Undergraduate / Bakery and recipes - WASHU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY [4]
Hello!
Your essay does have a nice style, and you did paint the scene in the first paragraph very well, but the biggest issue you should fix is the fact that, despite talking about an idea which captivates you, you don't develop on the reason why "baking has manifested into [your] daily life" (instead, you use your essay to describe a croissant recipe). Why not writing a longer text and also explaining why was the dessert "a work of art"? This way, you would be able to show the reader you reflection about the meaning of Art - which would portray your maturity. After all, you still got many words left!
BTW, mind your grammar:
I - "will would flow like how hot [I couldn't understand the meaning of this expression]"
II -will would float
III - "turned out to be"
IV - "Christmas,I have also just invented a work of art" - here, you must write a phrase starting with "but it was also..." or something similar
So... I suggest you review your grammar as well.
Anyway, I hope I was of any help. Should you write this essay again, post it here :)
Bye!
Hello!
Your essay does have a nice style, and you did paint the scene in the first paragraph very well, but the biggest issue you should fix is the fact that, despite talking about an idea which captivates you, you don't develop on the reason why "baking has manifested into [your] daily life" (instead, you use your essay to describe a croissant recipe). Why not writing a longer text and also explaining why was the dessert "a work of art"? This way, you would be able to show the reader you reflection about the meaning of Art - which would portray your maturity. After all, you still got many words left!
BTW, mind your grammar:
I - "
II -
III - "turned out to be"
IV - "Christmas,
So... I suggest you review your grammar as well.
Anyway, I hope I was of any help. Should you write this essay again, post it here :)
Bye!
Cabradasbrisa
Nov 24, 2018
Undergraduate / "See the beauty of the tiniest things" - Yale Supplemental Essays [3]
@Holt, thanks for the tips!
I'll rewrite this essays now. May I post them here for another answer of yours?
@Holt, thanks for the tips!
I'll rewrite this essays now. May I post them here for another answer of yours?
Cabradasbrisa
Nov 23, 2018
Undergraduate / "See the beauty of the tiniest things" - Yale Supplemental Essays [3]
Hey guys, could you take a look at my Yale supplemental essays? I suppose they are not that good - do you have any advice in this case?
Students at Yale have plenty of time to explore their academic interests before committing to one or more major fields of study. Many students either modify their original academic direction or change their minds entirely. As of this moment, what academic areas seem to fit your interests or goals most comfortably? Please indicate up to three from the list provided.
Biology (Molecular, Cellular and Developmental) and Chemistry.
Why do these areas appeal to you? (100 words or fewer)
"See the beauty of the tiniest things", my grandma always said. There is probably no better definition for Chemistry and Biology than this phrase.
Think on the Milky Way, one galaxy among 200,000,000,000 others in the Universe. Among its more than 100,000,000,000 stars, there is a tiny one called "Sun". Orbiting it, there is a pale blue dot, just like any rocky planet of that system, but, if you look closely, you will find us. The beauty of Biology and Chemistry lays at understanding the intricated harmony of this diminutive spectacle we call "life".
What is it about Yale that has led you to apply? (125 words o fewer)
When I first heard Liszt's "Liebestraum no. 3", I had been drawn to that tempestuous story been told to me with such a powerful mute expression. This power of translating our feelings without words made me start playing the piano two years ago, despite already being old. What appeals to me the most at Yale is not having to give up on this new passion while majoring Biology and Chemistry and working to use apoptosis as a therapeutical treatment for maladies like cancer, merging, every day, Science - the language of the world - and Music - the language of the emotions.
[This ending is terrible]
What inspires you? (35 words or fewer)
What inspires me to learn every day is knowing that, in a universe of at least 13.8 billion light-years, with roughly two billions galaxies, we don't even know how exactly plants make photosynthesis.
Yale's residential colleges regularly host conversations with guests representing a wide range of experiences and accomplishments. What person, past or present, would you invite, and what would you ask?
I would ask Gauss: "Herr Gauss, since science intends to allow to understand the world, as our knowledge becomes progressively more specialized, how can we still make it accessible even for the lay people?"
You are teaching a Yale course. What is it called? (35 words or fewer)
Understanding the world: how science shaped History, Philosophy, Arts and Literature by changing how we see ourselves and our universe.
Most first-year Yale students live in suites of four to six people. What do you hope to add to your suitemates' experience? What do you hope they will add to yours? (35 words or fewer)
I will probably be the guy of the bad jokes, the coffee black as death and the Futhark runes, always there to back people up. In return, I wish my suitemates to reveal their passions and quirky side.
Thank you in advance!
supplemental short essays for yale
Hey guys, could you take a look at my Yale supplemental essays? I suppose they are not that good - do you have any advice in this case?
Students at Yale have plenty of time to explore their academic interests before committing to one or more major fields of study. Many students either modify their original academic direction or change their minds entirely. As of this moment, what academic areas seem to fit your interests or goals most comfortably? Please indicate up to three from the list provided.
Biology (Molecular, Cellular and Developmental) and Chemistry.
Why do these areas appeal to you? (100 words or fewer)
"See the beauty of the tiniest things", my grandma always said. There is probably no better definition for Chemistry and Biology than this phrase.
Think on the Milky Way, one galaxy among 200,000,000,000 others in the Universe. Among its more than 100,000,000,000 stars, there is a tiny one called "Sun". Orbiting it, there is a pale blue dot, just like any rocky planet of that system, but, if you look closely, you will find us. The beauty of Biology and Chemistry lays at understanding the intricated harmony of this diminutive spectacle we call "life".
What is it about Yale that has led you to apply? (125 words o fewer)
When I first heard Liszt's "Liebestraum no. 3", I had been drawn to that tempestuous story been told to me with such a powerful mute expression. This power of translating our feelings without words made me start playing the piano two years ago, despite already being old. What appeals to me the most at Yale is not having to give up on this new passion while majoring Biology and Chemistry and working to use apoptosis as a therapeutical treatment for maladies like cancer, merging, every day, Science - the language of the world - and Music - the language of the emotions.
[This ending is terrible]
What inspires you? (35 words or fewer)
What inspires me to learn every day is knowing that, in a universe of at least 13.8 billion light-years, with roughly two billions galaxies, we don't even know how exactly plants make photosynthesis.
Yale's residential colleges regularly host conversations with guests representing a wide range of experiences and accomplishments. What person, past or present, would you invite, and what would you ask?
I would ask Gauss: "Herr Gauss, since science intends to allow to understand the world, as our knowledge becomes progressively more specialized, how can we still make it accessible even for the lay people?"
You are teaching a Yale course. What is it called? (35 words or fewer)
Understanding the world: how science shaped History, Philosophy, Arts and Literature by changing how we see ourselves and our universe.
Most first-year Yale students live in suites of four to six people. What do you hope to add to your suitemates' experience? What do you hope they will add to yours? (35 words or fewer)
I will probably be the guy of the bad jokes, the coffee black as death and the Futhark runes, always there to back people up. In return, I wish my suitemates to reveal their passions and quirky side.
Thank you in advance!
Cabradasbrisa
Nov 23, 2018
Writing Feedback / Many people had skills such as making their own clothes and doing repairs to things in the house [3]
Hello Johnnguyen,
What is the word limit of this essay? You should bear this in mind when writing, since your essay was a bit too short.
Anyway, here are some tips for you:
I - Introduction
You should, indeed, state what your text is about, but why not using some data or a short narrative? This would attract the readers attention to the writing.
Additionally, you could summarize you point of in the introduction - that's what we call (at least, in Brazil) "thesis".
II - Development
Since you gave to different reasons why some skills are disappearing, you should divide these two points in paragraphs. This is also a good way of showing the corrector of your essay that you have a good domain of the linkers.
You can follow the structure:
a) Reason
b) example
c) conclusion of the paragraph
III - Conclusion
This paragraph was a bit too short as well. Why not summarizing the reasons you've just given and, then, showing some insights on how solving the problem or, in this case, how it influences our society in the same paragraph? This would give your essay a better "Rhythm"
IV - Style
a) You should avoid including yourself in the text with expressions like "my country" - instead, be specify the country, since your writing will be more formal.
b) Avoid using "people", since it is too vague - you can use e.g. "workers" instead.
V - Grammar
a) "With regards to"
b) "doing repairs to things" - "repairing" is good enough
All that said, I hope my tips were of any help. Again, try to develop the topic more deeply.
Best,
Arthur.
Hello Johnnguyen,
What is the word limit of this essay? You should bear this in mind when writing, since your essay was a bit too short.
Anyway, here are some tips for you:
I - Introduction
You should, indeed, state what your text is about, but why not using some data or a short narrative? This would attract the readers attention to the writing.
Additionally, you could summarize you point of in the introduction - that's what we call (at least, in Brazil) "thesis".
II - Development
Since you gave to different reasons why some skills are disappearing, you should divide these two points in paragraphs. This is also a good way of showing the corrector of your essay that you have a good domain of the linkers.
You can follow the structure:
a) Reason
b) example
c) conclusion of the paragraph
III - Conclusion
This paragraph was a bit too short as well. Why not summarizing the reasons you've just given and, then, showing some insights on how solving the problem or, in this case, how it influences our society in the same paragraph? This would give your essay a better "Rhythm"
IV - Style
a) You should avoid including yourself in the text with expressions like "my country" - instead, be specify the country, since your writing will be more formal.
b) Avoid using "people", since it is too vague - you can use e.g. "workers" instead.
V - Grammar
a) "With regards to"
b) "doing repairs to things" - "repairing" is good enough
All that said, I hope my tips were of any help. Again, try to develop the topic more deeply.
Best,
Arthur.
Cabradasbrisa
Jul 30, 2018
Undergraduate / Your career goals in the broad field of engineering and what/who has influenced you [3]
Greetings, Cole, I suppose that, in this essay, you talked a lot about giving your family and loved ones a comfortable living - which, let's be fair, is our main objective always -, but too little about your goals as an engineer. What I propose is that you rewrite this essay, but now focusing on our goals in the area you shall study. Why not, for instance, developing your two first paragraphs more? You could link the people you've met during your teenage with a particular subject in your area which really interests you. Remember that you may tell a short story to give your essay a more personal touch.
Besides that, mind your writing, for, in the first paragraph, you constantly repeated expressions such as "began" and, throughout the text, you repeat that you want to be able to "support myself and my loved ones to have a comfortable lifestyle" - saying it once is enough. So try using more complex phrases in order to avoid repetition.
I hope my comment helped you. Should you want another feedback, just post your other essay here.
Best regards,
Arthur.
Greetings, Cole, I suppose that, in this essay, you talked a lot about giving your family and loved ones a comfortable living - which, let's be fair, is our main objective always -, but too little about your goals as an engineer. What I propose is that you rewrite this essay, but now focusing on our goals in the area you shall study. Why not, for instance, developing your two first paragraphs more? You could link the people you've met during your teenage with a particular subject in your area which really interests you. Remember that you may tell a short story to give your essay a more personal touch.
Besides that, mind your writing, for, in the first paragraph, you constantly repeated expressions such as "began" and, throughout the text, you repeat that you want to be able to "support myself and my loved ones to have a comfortable lifestyle" - saying it once is enough. So try using more complex phrases in order to avoid repetition.
I hope my comment helped you. Should you want another feedback, just post your other essay here.
Best regards,
Arthur.
Cabradasbrisa
Jul 29, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - will tax on fuel ease the traffic and pollution? [6]
Greetings, my friend, you did a good job, but there are some things you should pay attention to:
I - Introduction
1. You did right when you stated your opinion in the introduction (always do that), but you should consider that the end, you said: "I believe this policy bring to the society more beneficial effects than detrimental". Therefore, why not adding a phrase mentioning the drawbacks of the taxation and, then, saying that, despite such drawbacks, this measure should be beneficial? What I mean is that, in the introduction, you highlight the drawbacks of the taxation, but, in the conclusion, you highlighted its benefits."
2. The phrase "To eliminate the impacts that cause, some people suggest that the government should raise the tax on petrol to reduce congestion and pollution" is grammatically incorrect, as it is unclear who cause the impact. Try something like: "To eliminate their impacts, some people".
II - Development
1. Good job contrasting the benefits and drawbacks of the taxation!
2. Shouldn't invert the order of the paragraphs? You would be able to quickly mention the drawbacks and, in the end - nearer to the conclusion -, start your paragraph with something like "In spite of this, some people believe..."
3. As you are writing an argumentative essay, you should state your beliefs more confidently. Instead of saying "... there will be lesser number of ...", say that there will be fewer cars on the road and, then, show why.
4. There are some grammar spelling mistakes:
"there will belesser number of [fewer, as "lesser" means something of little importance] private vehicles on road [the road] if government [the government] imposes a higher petrol tax.
"It is because" seems too simple for an exam essay. Why not using "... if the government impose a higher petrol tax, as it will push ..."
"That leads car"
"citizens also have"
"policyis apply" - this should be a passive voice: "is applied"
"The reason behind is" - again, too simple, but, if you want to keep it, you should write "behind this is"
"clients, such as, by raising" - just remove the expression
III - Conclusion
1. Why not writing a bigger summary of your thesis here? You may restate the benefits and drawbacks mentioned and, then, say that the measure should be taken.
Well, I hope my comments helped you :)
Best regards,
Arthur.
Greetings, my friend, you did a good job, but there are some things you should pay attention to:
I - Introduction
1. You did right when you stated your opinion in the introduction (always do that), but you should consider that the end, you said: "I believe this policy bring to the society more beneficial effects than detrimental". Therefore, why not adding a phrase mentioning the drawbacks of the taxation and, then, saying that, despite such drawbacks, this measure should be beneficial? What I mean is that, in the introduction, you highlight the drawbacks of the taxation, but, in the conclusion, you highlighted its benefits."
2. The phrase "To eliminate the impacts that cause, some people suggest that the government should raise the tax on petrol to reduce congestion and pollution" is grammatically incorrect, as it is unclear who cause the impact. Try something like: "To eliminate their impacts, some people".
II - Development
1. Good job contrasting the benefits and drawbacks of the taxation!
2. Shouldn't invert the order of the paragraphs? You would be able to quickly mention the drawbacks and, in the end - nearer to the conclusion -, start your paragraph with something like "In spite of this, some people believe..."
3. As you are writing an argumentative essay, you should state your beliefs more confidently. Instead of saying "... there will be lesser number of ...", say that there will be fewer cars on the road and, then, show why.
4. There are some grammar spelling mistakes:
"there will be
"It is because" seems too simple for an exam essay. Why not using "... if the government impose a higher petrol tax, as it will push ..."
"That leads car"
"citizens also have"
"policy
"The reason behind is" - again, too simple, but, if you want to keep it, you should write "behind this is"
"clients,
III - Conclusion
1. Why not writing a bigger summary of your thesis here? You may restate the benefits and drawbacks mentioned and, then, say that the measure should be taken.
Well, I hope my comments helped you :)
Best regards,
Arthur.
Cabradasbrisa
Jul 29, 2018
Undergraduate / Columbia Personal Statement - "Why Columbia?" [4]
Greetings, handsome - or beautiful - friends,
I will apply for Columbia and would thus appreciate if you could give me some feedback on my essays. Here is the first one:
Essay prompt:
(300 words or less)
Discussing not only Science and its applications with the Frontiers of Science classes, but also Arts, History, Philosophy, and Literature as part of the Core Curriculum is what excites me the most about Columbia. In this context, while Columbia's curriculum aligns with my desire for a more holistic formation, indispensable for my actions as not only a researcher, but as a citizen concerned with our future challenges in both Biology and society, its Music Humanities classes offer me the prospect of continuing my piano and music composition studies, thus perfectly matching my academic and personal expectations.
Moreover, Columbia's commitment to research - as shown by its more than 200 research centers -, its enormous variety of research areas, and excellent faculty members - specially Caleb Scharf, whose lecture "The Copernicus Complex: Are We Special in the Cosmos?" has recently drawn my interest to the field of Astrobiology and the prospects of extraterrestrial life - offer me a unique opportunity of exploring the field of the Fundamental Researches, which appeal to me as a transformative journey through understanding our Universe and how life ended up here.
Finally, the enormous variety of Columbia's student body, with learners from the most diverse ethnics, religions and countries, offers me a enriching prospect of intellectual growth, as I am able to confront so distinct points of views during my four graduation years, learning from new cultures and life experiences, which my travelling through Europe and America - where I met people ranging from a witch to a former war prisoner whose favorite occupation was simply eating every day once more to a real witch - proved to be such an amazing experience.
Thus, Columbia should be the best place for me to explore my curiosity and love for learning.
Thanks a lot for your help!
Best regards,
Arthur.
Greetings, handsome - or beautiful - friends,
I will apply for Columbia and would thus appreciate if you could give me some feedback on my essays. Here is the first one:
Essay prompt:
Tell us what you value most about Columbia and why.
(300 words or less)
Discussing not only Science and its applications with the Frontiers of Science classes, but also Arts, History, Philosophy, and Literature as part of the Core Curriculum is what excites me the most about Columbia. In this context, while Columbia's curriculum aligns with my desire for a more holistic formation, indispensable for my actions as not only a researcher, but as a citizen concerned with our future challenges in both Biology and society, its Music Humanities classes offer me the prospect of continuing my piano and music composition studies, thus perfectly matching my academic and personal expectations.
Moreover, Columbia's commitment to research - as shown by its more than 200 research centers -, its enormous variety of research areas, and excellent faculty members - specially Caleb Scharf, whose lecture "The Copernicus Complex: Are We Special in the Cosmos?" has recently drawn my interest to the field of Astrobiology and the prospects of extraterrestrial life - offer me a unique opportunity of exploring the field of the Fundamental Researches, which appeal to me as a transformative journey through understanding our Universe and how life ended up here.
Finally, the enormous variety of Columbia's student body, with learners from the most diverse ethnics, religions and countries, offers me a enriching prospect of intellectual growth, as I am able to confront so distinct points of views during my four graduation years, learning from new cultures and life experiences, which my travelling through Europe and America - where I met people ranging from a witch to a former war prisoner whose favorite occupation was simply eating every day once more to a real witch - proved to be such an amazing experience.
Thus, Columbia should be the best place for me to explore my curiosity and love for learning.
Thanks a lot for your help!
Best regards,
Arthur.
Cabradasbrisa
Jul 29, 2018
Writing Feedback / The pollution of water in rivers, lakes and seas - Writing task 2 IELTS. [4]
Greetings, my friend,
There are some details to which you should pay attention in your next essays:
I - Introduction
1. There is no idea of concession between the two first periods of your introduction, there is a logical conclusion instead. You should thus use some linking word like "thus" or "therefore".
2. When writing an introduction, be sure to include details that answer the prompt of the essay ("What are the possible causes ...").
II - Development
1. You could've organized your paragraphs following the pattern "cause" - here, you may introduce the type of pollution about which you'll talk and state its causes - and consequence - here, you'll answer the question made in the essay's prompt -, rather than writing both separately. This would be better for the sake of cohesion.
2. Review the grammar of the text, as there are some mistakes:
"a plethora number" - "plethora" is already a noun and means "excess", so you should write "a plethora of factories";
"... substances absorb in the soils" - you should've used the passive voice here, being "substances are absorbed by the soils" (I suppose you misspelled the verb as well) correct;
"... consequently, vast number of dead fish and shrimps ..." - you should've written "and, consequently, a vast number", as "and" would link the two sentences.
3. Try to write bigger and more complex phrases, as this shows a bigger knowledge of the language.
III - Conclusion
1. Try writing a bigger conclusion. It should contain a summary of your text ("a tremendous problem" seems too vague) and, as you said that saving the environment is a duty for both authorities and individuals, ways of reducing the pollution.
Well, I hope that my tips may help you to write your next essay.
Best regards,
Arthur.
Greetings, my friend,
There are some details to which you should pay attention in your next essays:
I - Introduction
1. There is no idea of concession between the two first periods of your introduction, there is a logical conclusion instead. You should thus use some linking word like "thus" or "therefore".
2. When writing an introduction, be sure to include details that answer the prompt of the essay ("What are the possible causes ...").
II - Development
1. You could've organized your paragraphs following the pattern "cause" - here, you may introduce the type of pollution about which you'll talk and state its causes - and consequence - here, you'll answer the question made in the essay's prompt -, rather than writing both separately. This would be better for the sake of cohesion.
2. Review the grammar of the text, as there are some mistakes:
"a plethora number" - "plethora" is already a noun and means "excess", so you should write "a plethora of factories";
"... substances absorb in the soils" - you should've used the passive voice here, being "substances are absorbed by the soils" (I suppose you misspelled the verb as well) correct;
"... consequently, vast number of dead fish and shrimps ..." - you should've written "and, consequently, a vast number", as "and" would link the two sentences.
3. Try to write bigger and more complex phrases, as this shows a bigger knowledge of the language.
III - Conclusion
1. Try writing a bigger conclusion. It should contain a summary of your text ("a tremendous problem" seems too vague) and, as you said that saving the environment is a duty for both authorities and individuals, ways of reducing the pollution.
Well, I hope that my tips may help you to write your next essay.
Best regards,
Arthur.
Cabradasbrisa
Jul 15, 2018
Letters / Judging book by its cover - Letter to my future roommate, Stanford essay [3]
Hey, guys, I am applying to Stanford this year and would like your opinion on one of my essays:
PROMPT: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.
Hey, you might find my door closed during most of the days, and, if you enter my room, you will probably stumble with piles of books in my bed and music sheets on my piano - unless in Saturdays, my sacred day of tidying up the room -, but don't think me as messy or antisocial; I have a good explanation for that: unfortunately, I am not the light, which travels 3.10^8 m|s and my days lasts only 23h56min04s, so, with so many subjects to study -especially for me, whose mother-language is Portuguese -, piano training, German studies, stock market actions to manage, and researches to carry, going out and ordering my things have to be left in second place. Still, whenever possible, I would much appreciate going to the theatre or to museums.
Despite that, if you need any assistance, please, just knock on the door and enter. At first, you might be scared by me bending towards a book and listening to Vivaldi in high volume - a weird scene, I admit -, but a tap on my back should be enough to get my attention. If you need an explanation of some topic - especially, in Biology and Math -; if you are hungry, or, if you only need a friend to talk to, I shall be your teacher, cooker - actually, one of my hobbies - and friend.
Therefore, please, don't judge this book for its cover: albeit weird at first, I am sure we can help one another in this four amazing years.
Thank you for your help!
Hey, guys, I am applying to Stanford this year and would like your opinion on one of my essays:
PROMPT: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.
Please don't get discouraged too soon
Hey, you might find my door closed during most of the days, and, if you enter my room, you will probably stumble with piles of books in my bed and music sheets on my piano - unless in Saturdays, my sacred day of tidying up the room -, but don't think me as messy or antisocial; I have a good explanation for that: unfortunately, I am not the light, which travels 3.10^8 m|s and my days lasts only 23h56min04s, so, with so many subjects to study -especially for me, whose mother-language is Portuguese -, piano training, German studies, stock market actions to manage, and researches to carry, going out and ordering my things have to be left in second place. Still, whenever possible, I would much appreciate going to the theatre or to museums.
Despite that, if you need any assistance, please, just knock on the door and enter. At first, you might be scared by me bending towards a book and listening to Vivaldi in high volume - a weird scene, I admit -, but a tap on my back should be enough to get my attention. If you need an explanation of some topic - especially, in Biology and Math -; if you are hungry, or, if you only need a friend to talk to, I shall be your teacher, cooker - actually, one of my hobbies - and friend.
Therefore, please, don't judge this book for its cover: albeit weird at first, I am sure we can help one another in this four amazing years.
Thank you for your help!
Cabradasbrisa
Jul 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / It is increasingly concerned that the recycling of household garbage is not adequate to the needs [4]
Greetings, thuhuyen461!
Honestly, I found your essay interesting, but there are some details which you could improve:
Introduction - in the first lines of your introduction, you rephrased the first phrase of the essays prompt ("Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled"). In this case, I would recommend you, instead of simply making that statement, write an initial phrase to contextualize the reader on the subject you will talk about. You could, for instance, state the need for recycling in today's society.
Development - in the second paragraph, you could clarify about which "legal requirements" you are talking about, so as to avoid a too vague argument, and don't forget the dot in end of the last phrase.
Conclusion - you could mix your last two paragraphs into one so as to write your conclusion. In this case, you may want to start talking about the benefits of recycling - but, please, keep it brief, as you may have already stated them at the beginning of your text - and, then, reinforce the need of law enforcement to increase recycling in the cities.
Spelling: "minimize", not "minimise".
Arguments: this is a personal view, but I would recommend you suggest giving "prizes" (lower taxes, for instance) for those who recycle, additionally to punishing those who don't. This would give of essays a less "authoritarian" look.
I hope these tips help you in your essays, and, please, remember that practicing is the key for acing your tests (sorry for the clichè).
Greetings, thuhuyen461!
Honestly, I found your essay interesting, but there are some details which you could improve:
Introduction - in the first lines of your introduction, you rephrased the first phrase of the essays prompt ("Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled"). In this case, I would recommend you, instead of simply making that statement, write an initial phrase to contextualize the reader on the subject you will talk about. You could, for instance, state the need for recycling in today's society.
Development - in the second paragraph, you could clarify about which "legal requirements" you are talking about, so as to avoid a too vague argument, and don't forget the dot in end of the last phrase.
Conclusion - you could mix your last two paragraphs into one so as to write your conclusion. In this case, you may want to start talking about the benefits of recycling - but, please, keep it brief, as you may have already stated them at the beginning of your text - and, then, reinforce the need of law enforcement to increase recycling in the cities.
Spelling: "minimize", not "minimise".
Arguments: this is a personal view, but I would recommend you suggest giving "prizes" (lower taxes, for instance) for those who recycle, additionally to punishing those who don't. This would give of essays a less "authoritarian" look.
I hope these tips help you in your essays, and, please, remember that practicing is the key for acing your tests (sorry for the clichè).