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Posts by pulp
Joined: Sep 18, 2009		 Last Post: Oct 5, 2013
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From: China

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pulp   
Oct 5, 2013
Undergraduate / My research interest lies in political transition,conflicts & democrat consolidation; SOP [2]

All advice are welcomed!
I felt clumsy when I tried to explain my fit with the program. I did my homework in searching university faculty carefully and I read their papers, but I don't know how to say it in my essay. Should I be explicit about several professor or should I give general compliment to the program as a whole?

I also felt that maybe I have spend too much time in personal experience. What do you think? Thanks very much!!!

My research interest lies in political transition, conflicts and democrat consolidation. I am concerning with three questions: why democratization happens in some countries while others not; why some countries achieved democrat by peaceful transition while others through revolution; and why some countries can consolidate democrat while others are subverted by coup or fall into endless civil wars. I am interested in building a universal model and theory for all these questions, regardless different regions, nationalities and cultures. And I would like to pursue PhD in political science to continue my study.

Why democratization? To realized democracy in China has been a universal mighty dream for all ambitious and progressive Chinese youth, and I used to be one of them.I have been fancied with the idea of democracy when I was in middle school, reading about the pungent and trenchant critics about Chinese government in forbidden magazines. I used to have passionate debates about the democratic future of China with my father, a conservative military strategist. He always blamed me for being "totally ignorant in democracy and politics". I snubbed his remarks, because I read books from Aristotle to Huntington to learn politics and democracy. Democracy is about freedom and equality, making everybody involved in the decision making process. It is true, but later I learned that democracy is much more than that.

When I entered college, I joined British Parliament debating society and I made the top debater due to my compelling speech and knowledge in politics. I was particularly good at motions on democracy and international issues, but I had lost only once, and I would call that failure a milestone in my study. It was semi-final at Asian Debate Open and the motion was "Egypt will be better off with a secular authoritarian than a democratic government." I was the Prime Minister in opening government, which means I had to propose this motion by attacking democracy and defending autocracy. I could hardly find any existing theory to support the motion. After 15-minute sloppy preparation, I simply blamed democratic movement for the chaotic situation in Egypt. Later I was enlightened by the speech delivered by the member of government, who was the winner of this debate. He elucidated explicitly why and how democratization in Egypt led to chaos and stagnancy and why secular autocracy is the solution. He weighed pros and cons with meticulous calculation in economic terms and drew the conclusion that authoritarian would have better payoff in Egypt. It was the first time I learned about quantitative method in political science and it revolutionized my understanding of democracy. I started to judge democracy in perspective of utility. Democratization, or any other political transition, is more of an interest-oriented redistribution than other sublime ideals. In other word, political transition is about who get what through how. Democratization is a way to adjust the imbalance status quo, and democracy is the equilibrium of redistribution. I was mesmerized by this perspective of democratization and I decided to pursue a further study in this field.

Through my undergraduate study in culture and language, I have gained solid foundation in both qualitative and quantitative methods. I have conducted cross-cultural studies using qualitative methodologies like interviewing and ethnographic analysis. My research experience in cognitive linguistics prepared me with robust skills in math, formal modeling and statistical analysis. I am good at calculus, probability and statistics and adroit at SPSS and Matlab. To develop my research ability in political science, I attended game theory course at IPSA-NUS methods summer school. It was unforgettable for me and I learned so much. For two weeks, I was immerged the brilliant lectures given by distinguished professors and luminous discussions with outstanding political researchers from worldwide. I also finished my first scientific research paper in political science using formal modeling and game theory at the summer school. The paper was inspired by the debates of economical inequality and democratization. I revised the traditional model in two aspects: people's payoff when the revolution succeed and people's lost if the revolution failed and I got the conclusion that economic factors (inequality, GDP growth, etc) influence how violence the transition would be, while the determinant trigger is how punitive the autocracy is. Math skills and quantitate knowledges were highly valued in my study, but I found that the essence of formal modeling is to build the right model. My study in culture and languages gave me an acute perception towards different cultures, which enables me to examine political events in the perspective of humanity and better understanding the similarity underlying different cultures.

For my future research, I would like to work on the improvement of the model. My next-step research plan would be including the middle class in my model and to study the role of middle class in political transition in autocracies. I am also looking forward to utilizing formal modeling in democrat consolidation and international conflicts. I believe that XXX University would be a great fit for me, for your strong faculty in formal theory, comparative politics and international relations. I was excited when I studied the research interest for each professor on the website, since there were many professors studying democratization, conflicts and peacebuilding. XXX University also has the most renowned game theorists in the world, like XXX with his work on XXX. I am really looking forward to study in XXXX University.
pulp   
Oct 5, 2013
Undergraduate / My letters to Justin Bieber; Story central to identity/ belief [3]

Hi,
I liked your story and I admired your fundraising ability. Hope your cousin get better!
I think maybe you should focus more on the fundraising and less about your cousin's illness and Justin Bieber not replying you. After all the essay is about yourself.
pulp   
May 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - NEIGHBORS DEPEND ON EACH OTHER LESS TODAY [3]

Thanks very much!!!!!!!!
I am taking TOFEL this Saturday. I really need help with my writing. You will see me often posting essays here these days.
Thanks again~~

The topic is: Nowadays, neighbors depend on each other less than people in the past.

Some people claim that nowadays neighbors do not depend on each other than they did in the past. I totally agree with this statement. With the development of living conditions, we live in better houses and neighborhood with confined security. Ironically enough, it is also the enhancement of housing that separate us from out neighbors. We are cut off from opportunities to interact with our neighbors.

My grandmother lived in courtyard house with other three families when she was young. Courtyard house was common in China, with one-story apartments built around a square courtyard. There were no kitchen or bathroom in each apartment so that the neighbors had to share them in the courtyard. Everybody met each other everyday and sometimes cooked together. When the families got familiar with each other, they had routine activities. After dinner, all people gathered in the courtyard, adults chatting while children playing. My grandmother told me that neighbors at that time just like families.

Neighbors in the past did not only emotionally depended on each other, they also helped each other in daily life. My grandmother said my mother was actually brough up by Mrs Wang, a housewife lived in the west wing of courtyard. My grandparents were so busy at work that they had no time to look after my mother, and they just put my mother at Mrs Wang's. In fact, all the other families also put their kids at Mrs Wang's. Neighbors were assured to have Mrs Wang caring for their kids and Mrs Wang was happy with it. Everybody was helping each other in different ways. My grandmother was a teacher so she helped tutor all kids' homeworks. Mrs Liu not only shared her excellent recipes but also the delicious cookings. Neighbor at that time were so close and dependent on each other that my grandmother no still have phone calls with her old neighbors, even though they lived in different cities now.

The modern living condition, to some extend, prevent us from get in touch with people outside the house. Obviously we don't share kitchen or bathrooms with neighbors. In fact, we don't really have a chance to meet them let alone make friends with them. Thus, when we need help in daily life, neighbors tend to be the least people we would ever think of. We call for a babysitter to look after our kids. We hire tutor to help with our kids' homework. We go to cooking classes to learn new recipes. In a modern society like today, it is really difficult for people to rely on their neighbors.

After all, taking all factors into consideration, it is reasonable to get the conclusion that people are less depended on their neighbors.
pulp   
May 6, 2013
Book Reports / Help with my thesis on Iago and Jealousy in Othello for an 8-10 page [2]

Maybe you can go deeper with jealousy. There are different sources of jealousy. Othello was jealous because of love. Iago was jealous because of narrow minded. Perhaps you can indicate the different resources of jealousy in your thesis statement so that you can elaborate more later.

Hope this could help:)
pulp   
May 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Should we be completely honest with the friends? [6]

HI~
I think you can pay more attention to the capital letters and don't forget to have a period after a sentence.:)
The first example about the dictionary, I don't think it is really a white lie. It looks like that you lied to cover yourself up. Maybe a white lie should be you told your friend she is incredible pretty in a dress she likes while in fact she does not look that pretty.

Well written though.~
pulp   
May 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; A person's job's has more effects on his happiness [5]

THANKS VERY MUCH!!!
I AM TAKING TOFEL THIS SATURDAY. I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.
THE TOPIC IS "A person's job's has more effects on his happiness than this person's social life does."

Some people claim that career provides more happiness in life than one's social life does. They believe that a successful career offers people with self-fulfillment and confidence. It is true that career does bring people a sense of accomplishment. However, for some people, happiness is not really about achievement. For them, the relaxation and joy provided by social life values more. I think different people will give varied understanding of what has more effect on happiness.

My father is a businessman and he values work above all. I have to say he is a workaholic. He indulges himself in working so much that he got sick once. I remembered he did not sleep for about 3 days and finally passed out during a meeting. My mom and I were so worried that we spent days with him in the hospital. The doctor said he was fine but lack of rest. When my father recovered, he was eager to go back to work, but my mother insisted him to be away from work at least for a week. So dad spent some time with old friends and picked up golfing and fishing. However, just after two days, my father could not stand staying at home any more. He wanted to go back to work to get rid of the dullness in workless life. I wondered why he still felt boring even with old friends. My father answered that work was the only thing they were talking and he could not just talk about it but not do it himself. Even though he went into hospital because of work, he enjoyed it. I was astonished but I totally understood him. My father's happiness lies in his works and businesses but not in casual social lives. He enjoys the tense of work and the glory of success. For people like my father, I believe job's has more effect on their happiness than social life does.

I am exact the opposite of my father. I find myself happiest when I am enjoying my social lives. I get relaxed when I'm with my friends. In front of my friends, I am most relaxed and I can just be myself. During spare time, I hang out with friends indulging ourselves in shared hobbies. We get away from works and studies and enjoy the genuine joy of life. My friends and I are all movie fans. We often get some movies, some snacks and some drinks at my house, and we spend the whole day watching movies, eating, drinking and chatting. No more preoccupations and stress from work or study, we go totally carefree. I think happiness consists of these cozy and warm moments of life. For people like me, I think happiness is more about social life.

In conclusion, both work and social life contributes to personal happiness. When comparing these two, different people will give varied answers. The most important of all is to find out your personal idea of happiness.
pulp   
Nov 15, 2009
Book Reports / analytical essay on 1984 and Brave New World [4]

I finished the essay. It took me more than one month. I am slow.
Here is it. There must be a lot of grammar and vacabulary problems and a lot of misueses. I am poor at that. Welcome for any comments~

To write comments on Nineteen Eighty-four and Brave New World is difficult but intriguing, as there are so many differences as well as similarities between the two books. Nineteen Eighty-four describes a world full of hatred, horror and oppression, while Brave New World is about a world filled with love, enjoyment and desire. The two books are like two different entrances of a maze, one is called totalitarianism and collectivism, and the other is called anarchism and individualism. Although the paths are distinct, they all lead the only exit of the maze: the ending of society. Under the different surfaces of the two dysfunctional worlds, both of the novels have some same principals.

Ⅰ. Consuming over sufficient production
In Nineteen Eighty-four, the totalitarianism Oceania, this problem is solved by wars. 'Wars are peace' is one of the Nation's maxims, and it is also explained detailed in Goldstein's book The Theory and Practice of Oligarchic Collectivism. Wars are daily affairs in Oceania, against Eastasia or Eurasia, although there is no material reason or ideological difference. The meaning of wars only comes to long-term lack of consumptions. The importance of wars, as expounded in Goldstein's book, is to try to run out of the machine products without raising the general standard of living.

In Brave New World, the anarchic World Nation, this problem is solved by over-consuming. It has become a virtue in World Nation, as people are taught 'Ending is better than mending' and 'more stitches fewer riches during sleep teaching. As most products are consumed in a wasting way, there is no need to worry about over-sufficient products.

Why superfluous products must be used up in both worlds? It seems to against the common knowledge, that in our world we welcome products, the more the better, because the abundant products could be the basis of science development. The answer is that two worlds, totalitarianism or anarchism, hate science development.

In Nineteen Eighty-four, science is described as a thinking habit and a continuous memory. Science is based on logic. Logic is dangerous to a totalitarian country, because logic is the road how your ideas go. In an oppressive nation, all things are under strong control, there is no history. The ideas must not be in a line; they are required to be dots. Therefore, there is no need for a road for ideas, no need for logic, no need for science.

In Brave New World, science means disruptive change. World Nation requires stability, but not truth. Science is always going forward, which can not be in a stable situation, and does harm to the establishment. Science also presents truth, which is considered as a hint to happiness. Happiness is easy and cheap, but truth is not. To chase truth is companied with confusion and astonishment; they are not happiness, obviously.

Nineteen Eighty-four and Brave New World demonstrate the harm of science in sensibility and sensuality. Nowadays, science is referred to as the highest virtue, as Socrates' insisted. In Nineteen Eighty-four, the principal of the world is living, while in Brave New World it is maximums' happiness. These are also two aims we are chasing for. What about the science in our world? We pay more attention on Apple's new products or new weapons than the truth of the world. It seemed that we have already known the truth, and now we just need to use it. This science development we are chasing for is no difference from the new weapons Oceania chased for or the new sensual movies World Nation chases for.

Ⅱ. Classifying society
In Nineteen Eighty-four, the structure of society is pyramidal. From the top, there are Big Brother, Inner Party members, Outer Party members and Proles. The Party uses both materials and thoughts to control each class. For the Proles, the Party makes them so poor that they don't have time and desire to think about other things besides living. The entertainment they need is poor cheap and easy. The Party has an apartment to compose pulp songs and novels for Proles. For Party members, there are Ministry of Love and Ministry of Truth taking charge of them. Every individual's life is under 24-hour two-way surveillance. Any action even idea against the Party will be found immediately. Thoughtcrime is extremely severe in Oceania; it leads to arrest, torture and conversion.

In Brave New World, classifying is not as complicated as it is in Nineteen Eighty-four. In World Nation, classifying has done as soon as the babies were born, as reproductive technology and sleep-learning are common. Since the babies are born, they are conditioned to be alpha, beta, gamma, delta or epsilon. Alpha is the highest caste, which is the smartest and strongest, and epsilon is the lowest. Different castes have altered works which are suitable for their conditioning. There is no envy on others' caste, because everyone has accepted that their caste is the best during sleep-learning.

Why there must be classes in society? It is against our common knowledge again. Equality is the aim we are pursuing. Through the books, George Orwell and Aldous Huxley told us that equality is impossible.

In Nineteen Eighty-four, George Orwell clarified the necessity of classes in Goldstein's book in the Chapter of 'Ignorance is strength'. There have been three classes of people, the upper ones, mediums and lower ones, since the civilization began and the history is made up of the fight for power among three classes. In an oligarchic country, to maintain the Party's dominance is the most important thing. The key to keep predominant is not hereditary between father and son, but the continuous of the worldview and life style. To keep the social structure stable is the most significant thing.

In Brave New World, Mustapha Mond, the Resident World Controller for Western Europe, told a failed experiment on Cyprus to make Alpha double plus live together. The result was 19 out of 22 thousand alphas were killed, and the 3 thousand left requested to go back to the society. There are all kinds of jobs in the society, some are nice and some are not. To let a intelligent alpha do stupid epsilon's work is against his conditioning. In a society, the jobs are not equal, but people are equal; there are problems apparently. As there is good and bad in people's mind, there must be alphas and epsilons.

Since the Enlighten movements, equality has become an instinct inside us. How to diminish this instinct? The key is education.
In Nineteen Eighty-four, there are doublethinking and newspeak to rule people's thoughts. The way to rule thoughts is cruel, that the Oceania took the punishing method. Who act against the rules, which is called thoughtcrime, will face arrest, torture and conversion. The conversion is the most harmful one; it makes you give up your own brain but accept they brain the Party wants you to have, just like Winston Smith, after he was out from Room 101, he is not Winston Smith any more, he is just a man with a Party's brain. Party's brain is the most powerful. Therefore, ignorance is strength.

In Brave New World, it is soft and tender. The sleep-learning starts before the formation of individual's mind. That you do not need a brain, the government will give you one which suits you best. And, that is your identity.

According to Wikipedia, education, in its technical sense, is the process by which society deliberately transmits its accumulated knowledge, skills and values from one generation to another. In other words, education is a social experiment. We are chasing for liberty, according to our formative education. This is the biggest contradiction.

Ⅲ.Eliminating individuals
In Nineteen Eighty-four, this should be described in Goldstein's third Chapter 'Freedom is Slavery'. Before Winston Smith covered this chapter, he was arrested because of his intellectual rebellion against the Party and illicit romance with Julia; and his consequent is imprisonment, interrogation, torture, and re-education by the Thinkpol in the Miniluv. After conversion, Winston Smith 'died', the man is not Winston any more, but a party brain holder.

In Brave New World, Helmholtz Watson and Bernard Marx were like Winston, they all have different thoughts. Helmholtz Watson was lucky, he did not have to be brainwashed, and he was expelled to an isolated island where he can develop his mind freely without spreading it and being harmful to society.

In Nineteen Eighty-four, individuals are trivial, only the Party is valuable. Freedom to an individual is happiness, but this kind of freedom is meaningless and tender. The Party is seeking for a perpetual and strong freedom. Under this freedom, there is no difference between liberty and slavery, and that is the most powerful conception. To realize this strong freedom, individual must sacrifice own happiness.

In Brave New World, this is explained more lenient than in Nineteen Eighty-four. Living in lies is happy, so there is no need for truth. Happiness is the only in World Nation. John, Mr. Savage, is requiring the rights to be unhappy, and died. Nobody really hurt him, but he, himself, was squeezed by the dysfunctional world.

Both worlds are built after World Wars. The new social system is avoiding destroy in some ways. And here comes a question, to be living or to have life if they are contradicting.

Neil Postman once said, 'Orwell feared that what we fear will ruin us. Huxley feared that what we desire will ruin us.' Nowadays, our society is running between utopia and dystopia. We combined good and bad, fear and desire, truths and lies in our society, and maybe it is the best way to avoid ruined.
pulp   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / I did not believe in the existence of dreams ; Commom App [7]

I thought I was a pragmatic, but actually I am not. I had dreams, too. And to be a chemist is really a good future, but that kind of success is what I don't want. In the past, I was afraid to admit that I did not want that future at all, because it was the easiest way to achieve success. I thought highly of success and considered as the most important thing in life. Now, I won't. I realized that to achieve what I want is the most important thing through the book Alchemist. I'd rather be another Ed Wood than a successful chemist.

Is that explanation valid and rational enough?
I need to work at my words. I knew I had misused them a lot. I will rewrite it as soon as possible.
pulp   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App- Important Person (older sister) [3]

I'm moved by your story~
I guess you need to tell in a specific way that how you influenced by your sister.
Please come to see my essay~
pulp   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / I did not believe in the existence of dreams ; Commom App [7]

I don't know this essay is suitable to be an adimission essay. Welcome all suggestions and critic.
I guess my vocabulary and grammar is the biggest problem.

When the utopia appears on the road, regardless the destruction of good or bad, it is worthy to chase.____ Jack Kerouac

For a long time, I did not believe in the existence of dreams. I thought I was calm and rational, but actually, there is idealism in my blood.

To go to the US for college was not on my list at first. My plan used to be normal and orthodox: get into one of the best colleges in China to learn chemistry, continue studying until I get the Doctor degree, and be a chemical teacher in college until I am old enough to retire. The life plan seemed perfect, but meaningless to me, because I did not like chemistry at all, although I showed a talent for it. I was afraid to admit it at first, because I thought highly of success. Accomplishment was life, I thought.

I did not know what life is until I met Alchemist. I rarely read novels. I mistook Alchemist as a book about early chemists. Thanks for my wrong impression; I had a chance to realize what my life is. The book is a fable about following dreams. Santiago, the shepherd, dreamed of the same treasure for twice until he got aware of it. I had a dream before, but I considered it as my unrealistic infatuation. My dream is to be a director. I would not escape from it any more, because to achieve Personal Legend is the only obligation, but not being success.

To be a director is not a deliberation, but serendipity. Thinking about movies makes me hopeful and relieved with no reason. The feeling is just like when Santiago thought about his treasure, firm, warm, and safe, although not sure about it. I could not explain it, but I would love to believe in it. Belief is a very intriguing thing. It is just like a bag, what is in the bag is not the problem; the power comes from believing itself.

Santiago gave up his sheep to chase his dream; I must give up my easy life plan. When the utopia appears on the road, regardless destruction of good or bad alike, it is worthy to chase it. I changed my plan. I decided to go to America to learn film, although I had never been abroad and live alone. I do not know what will happen in the future, but I am not afraid of it. Just like those hippies through away normal lives but chased for love and peace, I decided to seize my dream tightly regardless failure.

My decision may be reckless, but it does not matter. To be a director is my utopia. When it appears, I must chase it. It is my destiny and what I am living for.
pulp   
Oct 6, 2009
Book Reports / analytical essay on 1984 and Brave New World [4]

Need help! I have got too much to write in one essay. I want to make them tighten.

First, I plan to compare the two novels and to discover their similarities through differences. I started with their maxims.
"Wars are peace" in 1984 is the same as "Stability" in BNW. This is about consuming overflowing production to stop science developing and why they don't need science and development. I want to add something about nowadays society and its relationship between science, that we are facing the problems mentioned in 1984 and BNW: science is more for application and entertainment.

"Innoncence is power" equals "Identity". This is about classes in society. Both the worlds believe that classes are neccessary and inevitable. I want to add something about equality in our society comparing to the worlds in the novels.

"Slavery is liberty" is "Community".This is about eliminating individuals for the integer. Both worlds look for an eternity and they all believe that only integer can last forever. Here comes two problems, one is about individual and integer, the other is about eternity.

The thoughtcrime, newspeak, double think, sleep teaching, conditioning and so on will be explained in each chapters.

The structure of the two novels are similar to We, a Russian dystopian novel written in 1917. Both George Orwell and Huxley got inspired from this novel.

I don't know whether my comments on our society is suitable or not. Maybe I should not write reviews on today's society.

The two novels also remind me some other things. One is The Needham Question about ancient China's science. Ancient China is a totalitarianist country and is like Oceania. George Orwell's explanation about why science is unwelcome in Oceania is also suitable for ancient China. The other is that some principles in newspeak is similar to the rules of classical Chinese. Also, there is a sentence in BNW means comparing to the World Nation, China's stablility is just in junior level. There are a lot to write between ancient China and dystopia.

How should I arrange my essay? Is there anything wrong with my ideas?
Help please~
pulp   
Oct 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Holden Caulfield [12]

You said" you want to be everything he is not", but there are so many types of people besides Holden Caulfield. Maybe you can focus on one type.
pulp   
Oct 6, 2009
Book Reports / "catcher in the rye" - thesis statement [6]

If you want to focus on Holden Caulfield's confusion and frustration, maybe reading J.D.Salinger's other stories about Holden, such as I'm crazy, can be helpful.
pulp   
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App about Calligraphy [3]

This is my second choice of common app essay. I don't know whether it is an impressive essay. Welcome for critics~

I am very deeply grateful for my grandma that she exerts me a subtle influence on my sensitivity to Chinese Calligraphy. I think it is the important part of my moral life. I have learned to make special studies of calligraphy since I was three. At that age, I showed an interest in writing Chinese Characters, even though I didn't really know what the meaning of the word was or what it would bring about in my future. My routine activities change a lot because of the chlligraphy, it has brought me more infinite joy for life. I have an innate gift for the art of Calligraphy. With the help of my talent and diligence, I have reached many achievements in my academic life especially when I entered the senior high school. I have benefited from this sensitivity of Chinese Calligraphy, because it not only assists me achieve my goals, but makes me understand the ancent Chinese culture as well. For example, the four of the Regulor Scripts, Zhenqing Yan, Gongquan Liu,Ouyang Xun and Mengye Zhao are of my favorite Calligraphists. When I practice the copies of their calligraphy, I seemingly believe that I could feel their works of calligraphy are still living. That originates from my understanding of their works, because calligraphy would make one more sensitive to the moral life. However, my principle for practice the Chinese Calligraphy is that not only I would try to imitate others but also to create the new style of my own. I deepen my comprehension of their works and the calligraphists, and I make the calligraphy by heart.

Although the road leading to success is not easy, my optimism and diligence will lead the way for me like a guiding star. No matter what difficulties may I encounter in the future, I will never give up hopes to be optimistic. I will be firm and indomitable in pursuit of the development of my studies at your college rather than complaining about unfair results, I smile in the face of the predicament because I am fully convinced that optimism can help me find a way to solve any difficulties.

This is the first choice.
pulp   
Sep 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Works of Salinger (CommonApp main essay for Sarah Lawrence College) [4]

I am a Chinese student.Does this essay a good one to reflect my uniqueness?Please give me some suggestions.
Here is the essay.

When I graduated from junior middle school, I succeed in the senior high entrance exams; therefore, I was accepted by the best senior high I have struggled for. I was not happy or exciting, however, I felt helpless and fearful, as if I was not going to my dream school, but the hell. I fell into confusion and frustration. According to my understanding of myself, I could not explain it. I went to Mount Emei, one of the four Sacred Buddhist Mountains in China to find out an answer. The patron bodhisattva is Samantabhadra, meaning Universal Worthy and associated with meditation. I went there to make a wish. Unlike others wished about being healthy or happy, I prayed for being enlightened thoroughly.

Back from Mount Emei, I met Cather in the Rye by accident. I finished the book in one night. It is a simple lovely warm book to me, despite of its opposite reviews. I saw myself clearly through Holden Caulfield and realized why I felt helpless and fearful. Most of the times, I had awareness of some unnamable feelings, but I could not tell. The book exactly translated my consciousness into vivid perceptible words. I realized that I had been a "phony" for 16 years. I had never thought who I am independently. I lost myself in other's reviews and expectations. Knowing this made me feel reasonable. Only, I did not know how to quit being phony. I needed real substantial things to make me down to the life and to realize whom am I, just like Holden Caulfield has his own tiny things, such as ducks' winter home, D.B's stories, and old Phoebe. Looking into life itself and discovering details are lots of fun. I truly fell in love with lives and loved to live in this world, no matter phony or faithful. Life itself is marvelous.

I had a habit in reading that if I like one story; I would like to read all the stories written by the same author. Therefore, I covered J. D. Salinger's all books.

When I was reading Franny & Zoey, I found I was in the same crisis as Franny was. We both fell in the swirl related to mysterious philosophy in finding one's self. Zoey extricate Franny

from the debacle as well as me.
When reading Seymour: an Instruction I felt just like looking into a mirror. We had so much in common: interests in eastern philosophy, good mannered in surface no matter how bad we felt, and so on. Seymour's life may be my life. He is a kind of idol to me.

When I was reading Nine Stories, I suddenly stopped bothering myself with no-results questions. There is a circle of life in the book, starting from Seymour's death and ending at Teddy's nirvana. Life itself is just the appearance of the Thathata (truth). Life is nothing serious; it is just a series of warm humble stories. There is no right or wrong in life, only true or false. Life may be divined, may be not; it does not matter. What matters is how you look, because "we all live in illusion and appearance of things."

I felt totally freed, just as got illuminated. I thought it was a great sublimation in my life. Mom said it was just of my adolescence years.
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