samcguff
Oct 1, 2009
Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]
When I read the first draft of your essay, I did not see eye to eye with the other people who responded to this post. I thought it was bland, cliché and almost pointless. It's like you were trying too hard to strengthen your theme, using lackluster novels and weak references. If I was in admissions, my interest would never have been drawn in, and my eyes would have switched to skim mode. I mean, where is the clincher?
Your last draft is a large improvement. But I believe it is still less than adequate. You begin strong with a question and a purpose, stating the fact that human culture is both a complex and intriguing issue to you. However, the essay falls off from there. You are still trying to connect on too many points in too little words. A thousand pebbles won't break down a castle wall. But one boulder will.
Also, I believe the editing should be done by you and you alone, so I will only guide you in my critique as to what I believe needs fixing. This is an application done by yourself that should be a learning experience about both you and your abilities through reflection. So reflect, and do so struggling.
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Watch your punctuation use. You tend to stretch out your sentences too far, causing them to lose their punch. You may want to drop the "I believe" because this is your personal essay. They will understand it's your opinion. And I know that I already said punctuation... but really watch those commas. They can make things sound great at times, but they can also make your sentences worthless.
CUT YOUR SENTENCES. For example, your first sentence should be something like, "In today's modern world news is instantaneous." Without a mix or short and long sentences, your writing has little to none fluidity. No fluidity means it's harder to read, especially when you're reading hundreds if not thousands of essays. Secondly, there is no need for the question in the middle of your paragraph. You already asked your question which proposed your purpose to this essay. You do make a good point about defining freedom though.
Ah. This paragraph is a comma nightmare. There are almost as many commas in the first sentence as words. Really work on your sentence structure. I like the point about society's embarrassment when things do not exude progress, it's a good touch. Also, I think the tennis sentence is out of place. It's a weird addition to the paragraph and I think there are better examples.
You need to tie these in to other points; you can't just leave them as a separation. Weave. Mix your ideas with your examples to build them up.
This is good.
Link this with the above paragraph. No need to separate. I would use "However, there is..."
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There is a decent amount of work to be done, but it can happen. Spend some time writing new drafts without looking at this one. Compare them, and mix the parts that sound right into a better essay. Trial and error. Eventually, you will find the essay that is not only right for admissions, but right for you. It really isn't about them, but rather your personal self and expression.
One thing I would note- be careful of this essay making you sound less idealistic. Yes, things have limits, but they also have opportunities. And you know what are limitless? OPPORTUNITIES. Because they are limitless, life is limitless. And because life is limitless, there are few things that sit on top of plateaus. Be wary of the personages an essay about your passions may give you (due to your words).
I'm also applying to Stanford early action this year and am in the process writing my essays. I wish you the best of luck in the process. It sounds like your working hard, so keep it up. Don't place your passion in one place though; spread it out to others as well. I made that mistake once and it really took me down when I didn't get what I strived for. In the end though, it makes you a stronger person if you pull through it.
Keep in mind this is my opinion. As you can tell from the other posts, plenty of other people like this essay. However, I think it desperately needs work. As a fellow applicant and someone who has done countless hours of editing writing in the pass, I believe you should rework this essay.
Best of luck.
When I read the first draft of your essay, I did not see eye to eye with the other people who responded to this post. I thought it was bland, cliché and almost pointless. It's like you were trying too hard to strengthen your theme, using lackluster novels and weak references. If I was in admissions, my interest would never have been drawn in, and my eyes would have switched to skim mode. I mean, where is the clincher?
Your last draft is a large improvement. But I believe it is still less than adequate. You begin strong with a question and a purpose, stating the fact that human culture is both a complex and intriguing issue to you. However, the essay falls off from there. You are still trying to connect on too many points in too little words. A thousand pebbles won't break down a castle wall. But one boulder will.
Also, I believe the editing should be done by you and you alone, so I will only guide you in my critique as to what I believe needs fixing. This is an application done by yourself that should be a learning experience about both you and your abilities through reflection. So reflect, and do so struggling.
---
What intrigues me about human culture is that we are so focused on succeeding, that we forget about the intangible limits which stop us. As paradoxical as it may be, I believe we are inherently a romantic society, governed by no precincts, yet we lead rational lives. We attempt to live limitlessly, we attempt to achieve limitlessly, and we attempt to sustain limitlessly, but are we really oblivious to the limits we face, or are we just feigning ignorance?
Watch your punctuation use. You tend to stretch out your sentences too far, causing them to lose their punch. You may want to drop the "I believe" because this is your personal essay. They will understand it's your opinion. And I know that I already said punctuation... but really watch those commas. They can make things sound great at times, but they can also make your sentences worthless.
In today's modern world, where news is instantaneous, communication is possible with the press of a button, and technology allows us to go where no one has gone before-boundaries take on a whole new realm. Where do human limitations end? In our thirst for independence, we have tried to define freedom as escape from all limits-but just like complete freedom is a mere aspiration, limitlessness is the human fantasy.
CUT YOUR SENTENCES. For example, your first sentence should be something like, "In today's modern world news is instantaneous." Without a mix or short and long sentences, your writing has little to none fluidity. No fluidity means it's harder to read, especially when you're reading hundreds if not thousands of essays. Secondly, there is no need for the question in the middle of your paragraph. You already asked your question which proposed your purpose to this essay. You do make a good point about defining freedom though.
This fantasy perhaps rose from the Industrial Revolution era, when resources were exploited, and now, we are slowly facing the exhaustion, rather, limits of these resources. With this mindset, society is slowly becoming embarrassed of anything which doesn't flaunt progress, technology- or limitlessness. A simple game of tennis doesn't satisfy our need for exercise anymore; we require sensor technology and a virtual court.
Ah. This paragraph is a comma nightmare. There are almost as many commas in the first sentence as words. Really work on your sentence structure. I like the point about society's embarrassment when things do not exude progress, it's a good touch. Also, I think the tennis sentence is out of place. It's a weird addition to the paragraph and I think there are better examples.
The humanities have been preaching the concept of limits. Greek mythology has been teaching us for ages that with the rise of Oedipus, there is the fall of Icarus. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, a warning against the modern man during the Industrial Revolution, underscores the Promethean myth in which the quest to surpass limits, only leads to self destruction.
You need to tie these in to other points; you can't just leave them as a separation. Weave. Mix your ideas with your examples to build them up.
The constraint upon us is not the condemnation it may seem. As humans, or earthly creatures, we are innately capable of living not only within natural limits but also within cultural limits. We are only recently realizing the impending threat of limits in the form of global warming and downward economic trends.
This is good.
There is in no way that we can bring back the trees we've cut down, restore the energy we've wasted, or sew up the hole in the ozone layer. What we can do, is realize our limits (1800 characters), and do the best we can with them.
Link this with the above paragraph. No need to separate. I would use "However, there is..."
------
There is a decent amount of work to be done, but it can happen. Spend some time writing new drafts without looking at this one. Compare them, and mix the parts that sound right into a better essay. Trial and error. Eventually, you will find the essay that is not only right for admissions, but right for you. It really isn't about them, but rather your personal self and expression.
One thing I would note- be careful of this essay making you sound less idealistic. Yes, things have limits, but they also have opportunities. And you know what are limitless? OPPORTUNITIES. Because they are limitless, life is limitless. And because life is limitless, there are few things that sit on top of plateaus. Be wary of the personages an essay about your passions may give you (due to your words).
I'm also applying to Stanford early action this year and am in the process writing my essays. I wish you the best of luck in the process. It sounds like your working hard, so keep it up. Don't place your passion in one place though; spread it out to others as well. I made that mistake once and it really took me down when I didn't get what I strived for. In the end though, it makes you a stronger person if you pull through it.
Keep in mind this is my opinion. As you can tell from the other posts, plenty of other people like this essay. However, I think it desperately needs work. As a fellow applicant and someone who has done countless hours of editing writing in the pass, I believe you should rework this essay.
Best of luck.