Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Professionals and non-professionals are equal and should get paid equally? [3]

Hello everyone, please help me because I am just a newbie.

some professions should be more profitable

Question: Professionals like doctors, teachers and lawyers contribute equally to society with non-professionals including entertainers and sports people. Thus, they should receive equal pay. Agree or disagree?

Essay:
It is argued that jobs such as doctors, teachers, and lawyers help society the same as entertainers and players. Therefore, they should get paid equally. I completely disagree with this statement and I think that professionals should get a higher salary. (is this ok?)

On the one hand, saying that entertainers and players are worthy to get paid fairly to professionals is true. In fact, entertaining is not an easy job, artists have to make people laugh as well as keep the audiences stick to them. Many think that entertainers were born with talents, but they also have to work diligently, practice all the time to become a better of themselves. Besides, the media is maybe a fertile land for artists to make money but also dangerous somewhat. Just some graceless behavior or uncomely words can end the whole career of an artist. Thus, they have to be very viligant to everything they do, which also looks like doctors.

However, I still stick to my opinion that occupations such as doctors, teachers, and lawyers should be paid higher. Firstly, those jobs demanding a high amount of knowledge and carefulness. This kind of carefulness is of course way higher than the carefulness of the artists. If artists are not careful, audiences just get unsatisfied, but if doctors, teachers, and lawyers are not fully careful and concentrate, it causes a disaster. Doctors forgot removing a needle in a body, that person dies. Teachers often use bad language in the class, that generation goes down. Lawyers can not protect its client due to lack of knowledge, no more justice in the world. Thus, professional jobs require a high responsibility.

In conclusion, although artists have to work very hard and diligent to make a living, professional jobs are more sensible to be get paid higher.(301 words)

I will be really grateful if you comment in my essay. Thank you very much for reading this!