Posts by Bastian

Bastian

Dec 3, 2019

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile, List One or Two Substantial Activities. [3]

There are some minor proofreading errors such as missing articles ...to find a common ground on... and errors of repetition ...and learning from my past mistakes.

I think right now, the volunteering experience conveys similar qualities to that of the French class and that leaves room for you to make a much more fruitful transition rather than an abrupt paragraph change. You can talk about how the commonalities betwen the two helped you capture the lessons and skills in a much fuller manner. On the other hand, I feel that you could merge the lessons a little bit and expand on the first activity as is because I see it as something that has greater room for reflection. That being said, admissions officers do get a lot of volunteering experiences so do keep it in mind and decide accordingly.

Hope I could help!

Bastian

Dec 3, 2019

Undergraduate / Beyond the silence! / Personal essay / Common App : Discuss an accomplishment, event.... [3]

I think your topic of choice is really phenomenal and the way you've weaved it into a story of persistence, courage and growth is also great. I have some pointers where the story, for me, seems disjointed or fails to live up to the hype so to say.

You do tend to repeat certain words unncessarily. Doing away with them wouldn't take from the meaning of your sentences. For instance, being enjoyable and memorable and with emotions and happiness. Try going through your essay, looking at your use of conjunctions and then asking yourself 'are both these adjetives adding to my sentence?' 'can I take either away without affecting it significantly?' 'which of these two (or more) should remain?'

I feel that your connection to your history of art is a rather unconnected from the main theme of your essay which is your identity along the lines of persistence and overcoming challenges. If you could link it better, perhaps by showing how your art is influenced by the observations you make in silence (just an example. I don't know your thought process and neither am I an artist) then feel that it'd be better jointed.

I had two ... I chose to resist. If you could incorporate something along the lines of "I chose to resist the words they tried to mute my voice with" or something along the lines, I think it'd be a good take on the initial marginalisation you may have faced because of your speech issues. It'd be a good way to emphasise upon it and really shift the tone.

Because even ... Attitude ...
I personally feel this is very vague. Either expand on how your childhood experiences have helped shape you into a good leader more directly or skip on the rather preachiness of these lines entirely. Right now, it appears as if you're trying to sound deep but it comes off as cheesy and cliche. (sorry)

Bastian

Dec 3, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Advertising on some food should be banned as cigarettes or not? [3]

Hey! I'll first go through a proofreading edit for you. I'd recommend you work primarily on your grammer, sentence structure and word choices as I can see it affecting your score.

Over the past couple of decades, ... and ~~provoke~~ promote/instigate debates.
Additionally, I'd recommend you refrain from such vague assertions since not all food advertisement is controversial. Maybe it's a personal belief though so do make sure you don't subdue your voice too much either.

... and ~~overweight~~ obesity are the adverse ... whilst ~~the~~ others hold ~~their~~ the view ... are ~~owing~~ due to ~~the~~ consumers' imbalanced lifestyles. ... commercials is are of no relevance ...

Good consideration both perspectives and statement of your own perspective. Indicates a clear structure that the essay could follow. It'd have been favourable if you considered both perspectives (that you mentioned in this paragraph) in your essay, elaborating upon arguments on either sade.Your essay right now pertains to a single side and hence fails to show sufficient width of knowledge, use of knowledge and perspective on the issue.

... the highest resonsibility (proofread) ...
~~Nonetheless, it is never compulsory and mandatory~~ for customers ... Don't unnecessarily repeat words. Adding "and mandatory" here brings nothing of value to the statement while eating away at your word limit.

..., notwithstanding ~~realizing~~ the physically ... to drink it ~~more and ... a daily habit~~ so much ...

I appreciate your attempts at using new vocabulary. That shows to the examiner that you're attempting to push yourself. However, make sure you're aware of the form and context in which words are used. 'Notwithstanding' here is equivalent to 'regardless of' and hence should be used as such.

... company's sales in particular and for economic ...
restrictions on ~~some~~ certain food commercials will create ...

I disagree with the point since it's likely that all firms in an industry will be faced with the same ban, right? I don't think firms across industries will benefit specifically because of a ban on companies' advertising campaigns that're not even their direct competitors

... develop the country's economy steadily.
Firstly, there are a lot of grammatical errors so please read this sentence properly. However, it's so close to an amazing point. You suggest that advertising can be used to promote a lot of foodstuffs. Well,then it can be used for healthy alternatives as well which could help people lose weight rather than gain it (e.g. cornflakes, eggs, oats etc.)

All things considered, under no ... I don't think your essay makes the argument for the bans not being supported. It makes the argument for the bans being unfavourable/wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean that they won't be supported.

... that we ~~organize a daily ... habit~~ establish a habit of eating healthy and exercising daily ourselves instead of accusing advertisement of for our ~~own~~ ~~diseases~~ shortcomings.

Bastian

Dec 3, 2019

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay support: kind of attributes conveyed, revew and improvements [2]

Hey, here's my commonapp essay and the prompt I chose to write it on. I'd love any critical feedback which users may have available. I really appreciate it. Thanks. - Bharat Gangwani

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

my kingdom feels too small

The moat stretches across as far as eyes can see in either direction. Riddled with motoring crocodiles, it has little room for my juvenile escapades which - dad says - could cause irreparable harm. The explorer in me, eleven, has little autonomy. He isn't allowed to scale the mighty chasm and reach the lands that lie on the other side, at least not by himself. Back in the humble kingdom of my residential block, streets and alleys coil like snakes around each other. Streets which will one day house only the ghosts of the games I play there; hide-n-seek, seven-stones and tag. Despite the lasting memories, my kingdom feels too small.

I have to venture outwards.

I start with visits to nearby blocks that eventually morph into daily walks to the school. Most mornings, I am dressed and out the door before my mum can hand me lunch. Walking through the empty streets, a chill breeze and the fragrance of morning dew along the park greet my drowsy senses. The sleepy sun, tucked behind cloud cover, shines red on a scene which could be out of a movie. I, of course, am the hero who won't let some municipality markings guard the mysteries that lie beyond.

While journeys in the morning are exhilarating and fresh with independence, returning home in the afternoon is another story. The sun bears down hard forgetting the companionship we had formed for my feature film. Sweat trickles down the back of my neck. My shoulders ache and sink under the weight of the school bag. My back feels the itchy inklings of a sunburn. While my legs trudge along, my hand waves at passing friends and my thoughts curse the day I asked my mum to stop dropping me off to school. Yet I know full well that my feet will just as excitedly spring out of bed the next morning as they had this one.

Ready for another solo quest.

The curious adventurer in me loves travelling alone, on his own time. He can traverse landscapes, harsh or benign, without relying on anyone else. He isn't burdened by small talk. Isn't limited by roads and paths. Isn't accursed with tracks someone else wants to listen to. His ears ring with Avicii's music and Foreign Policy podcasts whenever he desires either. In a metro, he can even write a script or finish a lecture without having to cater to company.

That does sound perfect.

However, there's always a merciless afternoon sun for the caring early morning breeze. There's always a price you pay for being independent. Now that I can get myself to n' fro wherever I want, I am the one responsible for getting myself there and back. The script and lecture are commitments as much as they're extensions of my freedom. At the risk of tinkering with a remarkable piece of wisdom, 'With great liberty comes great responsibility.' You can't be independent without being responsible.

I continue to find additional responsibilities as I cross the big moats of my life. Starting A-Levels at my school and learning the new curriculum was taxing yet extremely rewarding. Researching the regulatory oversight and supply shortcomings in the Gurugram housing market revealed the limitations that social structures can impose on individual freedom. Uncovering the undemocratic nature of the anti-defection law in the Indian Parliament strengthened that observation. Pursuing online courses, A-Level Further Maths and multiple jobs simultaneously was daunting and empowering at the same time. I've grown grateful for both the small and life-altering experiences which have shaped me into the individual I've become. Really, can we even pick one from the other?

University is another massive moat. While the lands that lie ahead appear mystical and inviting, I look forward just as much to the reptilian responsibilities I'll be tackling along the way. They've made me who I am after all.

Bastian

Sep 14, 2019

Writing Feedback / Who should control scientific researches - state authorities (governments) or private companies? [3]

Your essay is well structured. It seems to, however, lack coherence and deviates from the original viewpoint you agree with and by the end of it, seem to disagree with. It has some grammatical flaws and could benefit from a careful evaluation of your stance in the conclusion. You should proofread your essay thoroughly and ask someone who's well qualified in English, let's say an English teacher, to go through your essay so they can point out your grammatical errors after you make the following changes.

In these days, people contemplate that ... In my opinion, I just ...

You don't need to restate the question in your words. Just begin by stating your opinion and phrasing it in the context of the question. Better yet, if you have space, give some subtext to the beginning of your answer. E.g. The number of academic/scientific researches which are conducted in any year. Which publications are they printed in? Include the source of your statistics as well. After this context, you can begin normally by saying, 'I believe that scientific researches should be conducted by governments instead of private entities as they're less likely to influence results in favour of profit-maximisation and have larger pockets to finance adequate research as well.'

After this introduction, you can begin with your paragraphs with one point per paragraph. The introduction also acts as a framing device for your answer, ensuring you don't deviate.

In the end, carefully state and evaluate your stance. So, should research be conducted by governments or companies? If you think companies should be involved, what sort of regulation may be required to ensure ethical violations do not occur and the data is not manipulated, e.g. in the case of marketing companies? Lastly, how would suitable competition be inculcated in the sphere? So how would you promote research companies like think tanks and market-research companies?

I hope this answer was helpful. Do reply if you have any other doubts.

Bastian

Aug 31, 2019

Undergraduate / Independent Study and Research findings in Additional Information on Common App [2]

I plan on incorporating this information into the Additional Information section of the Common App
I'd really appreciate it if someone could go through it and see, firstly, if it's relevant and doesn't come off as too arrogant and, secondly, whether it's written with the proper style which you'd best expect of such content. I'm grateful for your help.

=>
I pushed for the first A Levels batch at Mayoor, unaware of the challenges the curriculum would pose. Ajmer is a small town and lacked an experienced faculty for the syllabi. As a result, I studied for the exams quite independently using textbooks and online resources (Thanks Z-notes, YouTube and Khan Academy). While my teachers were supportive, I had to learn most of the curricula and the writing and evaluation skills it tests by myself. I also tutored my classmates and frequently clarified their doubts in various subjects during that time. In a way, I'm glad for the experience as it compelled me to take responsibility for my own actions and my education.

Additionally, I'd like to expand on my findings in the Design Thinking workshop. A lack of prepaid smart card use in the Delhi Metro was responsible for long queues at token counters. Illiquidity of the cards and absence of smaller value recharges deterred daily-wage and low-income earners from tying up their money in them. However, allowing smaller value recharges would merely shift the reason for people queuing up given the price of travelling. The solutions I proposed were guaranteeing minimal credit on the card or providing daily or weekly payment plans which would be overall cheaper than regular top-ups. The second-degree price discrimination in the second approach could expand the market and make the venture profitable. The experience was a test of my empathy and communication as much as my critical thinking abilities given the inquisitive conversations I had with people about their daily struggles.