Posts by todoroki [Suspended]

todoroki

Oct 4, 2020

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Bar chart (Timeline) - Annual average spending on 4 types of clothes per person in the US [3]

Hello, I am a student, so this is my view point as a student. Hope it can help you, somehow.
I think that you should list what kinds of clothes the bar chart mentioned as there are only four kinds shown here (for example, "how much money people in the US spent on four distinct/different types of clothing for boys, girls, men and woman...)

"women clothing was the highest expenditure", this sounds weird to me, I think I will write it as "the expenditure of women clothing was the highest"

"the average money of spending on boys' clothes was equal to ...". You may want to replace "equal" with another word, as from what I see from the chart, they are not exactly equal. You can write "nearly the same", "roughly equal"

"after few years later, in 2005...". When you write "in 2005", that provides enough information, so the "few years later" can be vague and abundant. Furthermore, "consumed" used in this context seems weird to me. I think I will use "was bought" here.

"the amount of money using for males' clothes"--> used
"what stand out" ---> stands.
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You may want to break your task 1 writing into 3 or 4 paragraphs.
1. Introduce the chart, the measurement unit, the timeframe,...
2. Overview. This paragraph usually starts with "Overall"
3. Details
4. Details (if there are the fourth paragraph)

todoroki

Sep 26, 2020

Writing Feedback / The weekly expenditure of fast food on 3 categories in the UK in the period from 1970 to 1990 [2]

You should attach the line graph so that others can help you. I did this topic before and as a learner, I can give you some advice.

First, you need to name what kinds of fast food is mentioned in the line graph, something like this: "expenditure of three particular kinds of fast food, which are hamburger, fish and chips, and pizza".

"Fish is likely to be the most...". I think "likely" and words related to probability should not be used in Task 1. Furthermore, you should write "fish and chips", not "fish"

You should avoid words expressing your emotions like "surprisingly", "interestingly"
I hope other admins can give you more helpful review.

todoroki

Sep 22, 2020

Writing Feedback / Three different crimes and the number of cases committed between 1970 and 2005 [4]

I am still a learner, so what I say here may not be completely correct. I just want to exchange experience and learn new things.

First, you should tell what kind of chart it is. In your case, "this chart" should be rewritten as "this line chart/graph".
You should not use "illustrates", as it means "makes a picture". There is no picture here. You may want to use "compares", "plots", or "provides information".

You also need to name the kinds of crime and the measurement unit.
I feel that "crime numbers" quite strange. I think I will write "the number of car thefts, house burglings and street robberies".
"... cases by 2005, except for 1985 to 1990". I can understand the first half of this sentence, but the second half is quite difficult for me to understand. I think I will write it as "The crime fell to around 0.3 million cases by 2005, despite a slight increase of 1000 cases committed between 1985 and 1990".

todoroki

Sep 15, 2020

Writing Feedback / The consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers: pizza, fish and chips, and hamburgers [2]

Hello, this is my IELTS writing task 1. I have practiced writing this task recently. Please read it and give me some advice to improve my skills. Any feedback is highly appreciated. The topic is in the attached picture. Thank you very much

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TASK 1 IELTS_FAST FOOD CONSUMPTION

The line graph compares the consumption of three kinds of fast food by Australian teenagers: pizza, fish and chips, and hamburgers. The period time shown is 1975 to 2000.

Overall, both hamburgers and pizzas consumption increased dramatically over 25 years while there was a considerable decline in the number of times fish and chips were eaten.

In 1975, fish and chips were consumed most with 100 times, then followed by a decline to a little more than 80 times in 1980. Between 1985 and 2000, fish and chips consumption decreased sharply from 95 times to fewer than 40 times, becoming the type of fast food that was eaten least by 2000. In contrast, over the time shown, there was a tenfold increase in consumption of hamburgers from 10 times in 1975 to 100 times in 2000, whereas the number of times Australian teenager ate pizza in 2000 was sixteen times as many as in 1975. Originally having the lower times eaten compared to fish and chips, in the end, pizza and hamburger outstripped fish and chips completely. The period from 1995 to 2000, both pizza and hamburgers remained stable.

unnamed.jpg

todoroki

Sep 13, 2020

Writing Feedback / Imagine and write one bad thing that happened yesterday [3]

Hello, this paragraph is very easy to understand. However, it seems too short with 104 words. Is it a assignment given by your high school, or college, or just a piece of writing you come up with yourself?

1. "as I walked up.... ". You should use past progressive here: "as I was walking up to"
2. "My young sister". You mean "my younger sister"? Furthermore, "sister" is not a suitable word here. Later, you write in your paragraph that "her mom was sorry...", which means you and that child do not have the same mother. You may want to raplace it with another word, like "niece" (daughter of your sibling), or "cousin sister" (a female cousin of your own generation)

3. "And that lipstick had cost $50". You should only use past simple here.
4. "sorry" is an adjective, so "sorry me" is grammatically wrong. You should rewrite this sentence, for an example, "apologized to me"
5. "Sha had paid me...". Again, please use past simple here

todoroki

Sep 12, 2020

Writing Feedback / A line graph shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology [3]

I am sure this is the line graph as I have done it recently.
1. You should include the type of chart in your writing, in your case, "line graph"
2. You should not use "illustrate". I read on englishforum that "illustrate" means "make a picture", so you should use this for map, diagram, or process. In line graph, I think using "show", or "compare", or "plot" will be better.

3. You should not copy entirely the topic given to you. Rewrite it in your own way, for example, "the line graph compares the percentage of homes having access to one or more of these items:....". Remember to include names of the items and timeframe in the beginning.

4. I think "percentage of using CD player" is not good. You may write "percentage of homes/families using..."
5. You may want to make "only the percentage of Internet access..." a separate sentence. Moreover, this clause needs a bit of correction, like "In 1998/99, Internet connection first appeared"

6. In 1996, CD player was...homeS in UK..", you forgot "s" there. And I think "60% of users" will be more suitable.
7. "with 17% OF users". You should add OF
8. You should make your writing into three or four paragraphs.

todoroki

Sep 7, 2020

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 WRITING_STRESS DUE TO MODERN WORK PATTERNS [4]

IELTS

Thank you very much for your detailed correction.

todoroki

Sep 6, 2020

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 WRITING_STRESS DUE TO MODERN WORK PATTERNS [4]

Hello, this is my first piece of writing task 2. I start to practice writing IELTS recently. Please give me any advice after you read it. Any feedback is truly appreciated. Thank you very much.

Topic:

More and more people claim that modern work patterns are a source of stress.

What do you think are the causes of this? Can you suggest some possible solutions?

Modern society has brought us numerous benefits in our daily lives. However, it is undeniable that many bad consequences which are still hot at the moment are also the results of modernity. In working aspect, there is a rise in complaints that modern work patterns are a source of stress. So what are the causes of this phenomenon? And are there any solutions for stress in workplace?

There are many reasons for this claim. First of all, both the amount of workload and working time is rapidly increasing. More and more people work overnight. More and more people feel that the time spent at the office is not enough to finish their work, and as a result, they continue working at home, which makes spending time for leisure time more impossible. Furthermore, many factories, companies nowadays tend to apply the latest technology, resulted in the expectation that their employees have to be capable of doing many things to prove their "usefulness" to the company. The second cause is uncertainty. As their jobs become more demanding than any time before, they cram themselves in working and working so much that at a point of time, they start to lose sight of themselves. Consequently, they become living machines, living to work. In their clouded eyes, they can see nothing but their work, their frustration when struggling to find themselves back and ended up gaining nothing. That people cannot control their own lives makes they are highly likely to be stressed out.

To solve this problem, there are some simple and practical ways. Employees should do more exercise regularly. There is a saying that "a sound mind in a sound body", so it will help reduce their stress. Moreover, they should learn to communicate better with their family, friends, co-workers or even boss. Family and friends are always willing to give an ear to you. Telling your problem you have to face to someone you love and trust is always better than bearing it alone. And try to make time for yourself. Be happy with your life, and you will find yourself more successful in work. It is hard to do this in a whirlwind-paced society nowadays, but you just need a small amount of time to "charge" yourself back, which no doubt benefits you more than working all day and all night.

In conclusion, modern work patterns can be one of the causes of stress for people. However, it is not unavoidable. We can change this step by step by each individual who seeks efficient work-life balance, wanting to get a happy life.