ACCESS TO INTERNET, MOBILE PHONES, COMPUTERS AND CD PLAYERS
The graph below illustrates percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK from 1996 to 2003. Overall, the percentage of using CD player, home computer grew slowly year by year. The access to mobile phone fluctuated and only the percentage of internet access started in 1998. In 1996 , CD player was the most popular modern technology in home in UK with 60 percentages of user and increased to 82 percent in 2002 . The trend of home computer was similar to CD player, rising from 23 percent to 56 percent in 6 years. Mobile phone was the least popular in 1996 with 17 percent users , it fluctuated slightly over the next 6 years , the percentage of mobile phone user stood in 65 percent in 2002. Internet access just started in 1998 with a small percentage, about 15 percent and then went up to 43 percent in 2002.
I am sure this is the line graph as I have done it recently.
1. You should include the type of chart in your writing, in your case, "line graph"
2. You should not use "illustrate". I read on englishforum that "illustrate" means "make a picture", so you should use this for map, diagram, or process. In line graph, I think using "show", or "compare", or "plot" will be better.
3. You should not copy entirely the topic given to you. Rewrite it in your own way, for example, "the line graph compares the percentage of homes having access to one or more of these items:....". Remember to include names of the items and timeframe in the beginning.
4. I think "percentage of using CD player" is not good. You may write "percentage of homes/families using..."
5. You may want to make "only the percentage of Internet access..." a separate sentence. Moreover, this clause needs a bit of correction, like "In 1998/99, Internet connection first appeared"
6. In 1996, CD player was...homeS in UK..", you forgot "s" there. And I think "60% of users" will be more suitable.
7. "with 17% OF users". You should add OF
8. You should make your writing into three or four paragraphs.