Posts by twinkle

twinkle_star

Sep 11, 2020

Writing Feedback / Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. What are the causes of this? [4]

These are my suggestions for your essay. I didn't correct the second body paragraph as it was not needed.

Firstly, u didnt paraphrase the question. Secondly, solution was not asked in the prompt.

...candy, snacks and sugary drinks
...they ~~are containing~~ contain very high in fat
....sedentary lifestyles
.....their ~~own~~ time watching TV

twinkle_star

Sep 10, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - Foreign languages spoken by British students [5]

@DiepVu99 thanks for your comments

twinkle_star

Sep 9, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - Foreign languages spoken by British students [5]

Greetings. I tried to give feedback to another student. It was in the unanswered section. I tried my level best, spend a good 20 min on it only to get a warning "not to post useless comments".

Anyways this is my response to task 1. I will appreciate if someone can comment on it.

Thanks in advance

students able to speak other languages than english

The two given pie charts compare the percentages of students belonging to a British University, who were multilingual and they could speak languages other than English in the year 2000 and 2010.

Overall, both the charts show that the largest proportion belonged to unilingual students. While the trend for other categories were similar both the years, the biggest variation can be seen in the percentages of Spanish speaking students.

To begin with, those students that could only speak English formed the biggest group both years with 30% and 35%. However, the second largest proportion with 20% in 2000 belonged to Spanish speaking students, this number fell by 5% in 2010. Similar drop in the percentage was noted in francophones as well, from 15% to 10% next year.

Moving on to the other two determinants, two other languages and another languages, percentages for these students increased from 15% and 10% to 20% and 15% respectively. The only other category which showed no change was the number of German speaking students which remained constant at 10%.

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twinkle_star

Sep 9, 2020

Writing Feedback / A new job; formal qualifications more important than life experience or personal qualities? [3]

...... first-hand experiences and personal traits. ... caused by a plethora of reasons just a suggestion that many examiners advice not to use word plethora,

.... is totally negative give a supporting statement to support your idea that why do u think its negative.

.......From my perspective u can use a linking word which shows that ur opinion is in contrast to the original statement,

...... ~~the~~ recruitment entirely...

... to handle ~~with~~ real life obstacles.

i dont think u gave adequate examples support your thesis

... qualifications, other measures such as (...) employee-to-be's ability. this is not clear.

Overall, in my opinion you wrote an impressive essay with good flow and coherence. Task response was not met because it lacks proper examples.
Also i think ur conclusion was weak as well.

twinkle_star

Sep 8, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 Distribution of water [5]

Thanks Holt i am going to rewrite it with your suggestions in mind. I will more look into different types of complex structures as well. I need to score 7 and i think my writing is not showing range of grammar.

twinkle_star

Sep 7, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Smoking restriction in public places [4]

Smoking cigarettesis well-known for is itsharmful effects ... smokers around ~~him~~ them.

... law which are to improve ... Evidence from many statistics show that most of ... this is actually not true most of the victims of lung diseases is due to direct smoking.

imitate and can become ...

... countries believes that smoking is not a noticeable ... produce cigarettes . ... sales of cigarettes make up most of the state budgetare u sure? sales from cigarettes cannot contribute towards most of the state budget.

Your flow of essay is good with some nice range of vocabulary and strong ideas. Cigarette is a countable noun and cannot stand alone without a either place a before cigarette or write it in its plural form. If you are writing for ielts i think don't leave your stand/opinion for the very end. Some inaccuracies in terms of facts.

twinkle_star

Sep 7, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 Distribution of water [5]

Hey every one this is my first contribution to this forum. Excited to found this place.

Summarize information from the charts

The six given pie charts illustrate how water is used in six different continents of the world. It is mainly used for industrial, agricultural and domestic purposes.

Overall, the charts show that agriculture is the biggest consumer of the water in four out of six regions, whereas in the rest of the areas namely North America and Europe, industrial sectors consume the largest quantity of water out of all three uses.

Moving to Africa, Central Asia and Southeast Asia, where it shows that 84%, 88% and 81% of the water is utilized for agriculture reasons respectively, whereas the proportion of water used for domestic reasons is quite similar in all three areas which is between 7% to 9%. In South America, however, only 19% of all water is consumed in houses, while the top user still remains agriculture with 71%.

Interestingly, in Europe and North America almost half of the water is used for industrial purposes and a third of the water goes for the crops production. In both these parts of the world less than a fifth of the water is utilized in domestic use.

Word count:186

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