Thank you Holt for your critical comment. They all reflect the values that crucial to me, but I guess I am a bit confusing now while trying to present the most important one in a narrative way.
I would like to ask your comment on the topic that I am going to choose. There are couple of values that I really want to talk about. I wrote about "perseverance" but then I think it is too cliche. I'm also thinking of "compassion" as the most important value in my life, both compassion for myself and compassion for others. But I'm not sure if it would be too broad or too cliche. If I narrowed it down to "compassion for myself" in the context of a student life, would it answer the prompt?
It's quite difficult to follow your essay. I think it would be better if you could be more concise. I also think it's not strong enough to convince the reviewer that you're the right candidate. I didn't see many positive words, which I was told that the reviewer would look for. I didn't see you mentioned your accomplishment, too.
I think you cover all features of the charts. However, it would be better if you could draw certain conclusion or explanation after describing and comparing those 2 charts. Maybe you should pay attention to the use of your tenses as well.
Hi, I think you should double check your essay for grammar mistakes. There are quite many mistakes in there. For example: it is "argue", etc. Besides, the topic asked you "to what extent do you agree or disagree" and didn't ask you "what solutions".
Hi, I'm struggling with the same question, too. So I guess, it may be a little odd to give comment here. However, I still think that it's better to exchange idea. In my opinion, your essay is about creativity, not family creativity so you should eliminate the "creative family" word. You may want to elaborate how family affects your value of creativity.
I think your writing is concise but lack of cohesive. It describes the graph in details with good grammar. It would be better if you can have a transition between paragraphs.
"The most important thing to me is family. This is because family members are the people that a person can trust the most in their life. Just as a tall and mighty building will need a strong foundation, I need my family as a foundation for me to build upon and achieve my goals. I believe that behind every successful person there is a lot of people behind the scene who is responsible for their success. I am very reliant on my family; they are the reason why I am here today. Everything that I have achieved, done or made would never be possible without the people who are unconditionally watching my back ever since I was born. However, I will acknowledge the fact my family is a caring and supporting one; and I am not naive to the fact that it is not the case for everyone. Some grow up in troubled households which push them into a life of crime and let whatever potential they might have to go to waste. Therefore, I believe that a strong and loving family requires stability, a strong sense of belonging in the community, and the willingness to make the world a safer and better place for future generations. Conclusively, the idea of family is a personification of love and caring, an important factor behind a person's future, and is the centerpiece of everything that I hold dear in my heart."
I think it would be better if your letter is more focused and organised with all details. It is quite difficult to follow up and picture who you are and what you want from this letter. Maybe you can simplify it by stating why you think you are the best candidate for the scholarship: reason 1, reason 2, reason 3, etc.
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