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My future after high school graduation - Help With Clearly Expressing My Personal Qualities


SwoleMcBro 1 / 1 2  
Nov 20, 2020   #1
It would mean a lot to me if someone could proofread this for me, and tell me what type of person they think I am. Would I succeed in college? This is my first time writing in a while too, so I would love to learn some writing techniques to spice up my paper a bit without confounding my message. I think I have a relatively low GPA so I would really like to write a great essay.

Thanks!

personal statement essay


---------------------Prompt------------------------
The personal statement is carefully considered in the admission selection process. This is the opportunity for you to tell us more about yourself, your readiness for college, and your activities and accomplishments. Explain any personal experience, responsibilities, or challenges that have impacted you or your academic achievements.

-------------------Response----------------------
Through the pitter-patter of rain battering the canopy, among the joyous laughter of celebrations, I unraveled the mystery of my true calling.

In the summer of 2018, I laid at home aimlessly, still unclear of my future after high school graduation. The only clue I had in my search for my calling was my desire to survive, and help others. Without anything to do during my summer break before community college, my excitement was uncontained when my dear mother invited me to join a medical mission to Nigeria. Through the efforts of my mentors and I, we successfully created and launched a 3-day educational workshop on stroke for the locals. During my time there, I was treated like a tourist and was able to see the local healthcare system. Though the essentials for a clinic are there, the clinics are understaffed for the volume of cases. On the last day of the workshop, I thought that when more people have access to higher quality and specialized care, they can care a bit more about the higher steps of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

During the celebratory party that night, underneath the heavy downpour of the rainy season, one of my colleagues handed me a glass of champagne. That's when it finally sunk in that I was legally allowed to drink, at least in Nigeria. I was finally an adult! Adults don't wait for others to solve problems for them, and neither should I. I decided to pursue this dream of helping to improve healthcare. After all, it fits the two criteria of what I could see myself doing.

When I came back to the States, I soon realized that an adult's greatest weakness was an enemy I have yet to conquer: accountability. During my years in community college, as my limits were further tested, I gradually lost my grip to hold myself accountable. I felt aimless, hopeless, and frustrated. I constantly sought the easy way out of stress, and it changed me for the worse.

COVID-19 blindsided the world, and I was caught off guard along with everyone else by the transition to online classrooms. Though the pandemic cursed everyone I know, miraculously, it gave me a gift. Through the news, I saw the same scene I saw in Nigeria, and I was able to see my dream again. I evaluated what I have become, and finally came face-to-face with my worst enemy. During Fall 2020, I've sought to hold myself more accountable and continue to do so. I am proud of my entire experience so far, such as leading my club, acing classes, and even failing some classes. Each part of my journey in community college has taught me an important lesson in accountability. Through thick and thin, I will continue to hold myself accountable, even after I'm living in the future I once saw.

xkq0802 2 / 8 1  
2 days ago   #2
It's quite difficult to follow your essay. I think it would be better if you could be more concise. I also think it's not strong enough to convince the reviewer that you're the right candidate. I didn't see many positive words, which I was told that the reviewer would look for. I didn't see you mentioned your accomplishment, too.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,709 3055  
2 days ago   #3
We no longer offer proofreading as a part of our free services. For that, you need to make this thread urgent or request for a private essay review. I can however, comment on the quality of the essay that you wrote and give an opinion based on what you want to know directly about your writing.

There is a problem in your description. If you were treated like a tourist, you should not have been able to help out in the medical mission. Change that part to being treated like a member of the team instead. There is a disconnection between Nigeria and Covid-19. I believe you should omit the part about when you came back to the USA and Covid 19. Instead, focus on discussing how your time in NIgeria taught you to be accountable for your own actions and how that led to you deciding on a college major and actually committing to it. That would be a better representation of you coming of age and finally being ready to become a college student.

It is important for the essay to focus on the personal experience (Nigeria), the medical team participation with greater detail (development of responsibility), an challenges (setting up the medical mission). Properly focusing on the relevant discussion in relation to your maturity as an individual will help you present a more relevant personal statement.


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