Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by longyue
Joined: Oct 23, 2009
Last Post: Jan 2, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 17  


Displayed posts: 18
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longyue   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

I think "What's in a Dream" is not as good as your previous one. If I am not getting wrong, You want to talk about the reasons why you love dreaming. You love it because you gain the courage to challenge those seemingly impossible things.So there is not much to do with what kind of dream you have.

Just my ideas.
Take whatever you want
longyue   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Excellent job!! I would say your idea is so clear and I could clearly see your dreaming image by reading this essay. I think there is no problem with your topic: Dream A Little Dream. This title corresponds very well with the central point you try to express.
longyue   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Minh waker! Soccer player with piano [7]

Well, I think the transition works. You don't need to worry much about that.I could understand you.
longyue   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Minh waker! Soccer player with piano [7]

Nice essay. I have also practiced the piano for many years could follow your words myself. I think you have a talent for storytelling, but your conclusions are not strong enough. It seems like you are repeating the same ideas: you could change and tolerate new ideas. Maybe abridge the last paragraph to make your central point clearly. Overall, you did a really good job.
longyue   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

At first glance at your essay, I am really interested in your content, since I am also a crazy fan of both music and sports. However, the link you build between music and sports is honestly unnecessary. You may want to express that it is our love and passioin for something rather than the exsiting achievement that define what we truly are. If such is the case, then you should link two events such as your aptness in math and innate disability in singing (or vollyball). By this contradiction, you then could say how your passion for singing continually push forward the limits that originally math gives you. Elaborate in events.Do not sum up your achievement.

Just my ideas. take whatever you want,
longyue   
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Short answer for common app about music [9]

After reading your essay, I could not undersand your central point. Are you trying to tell people music could influence eveyone, including you,in the most original way? Then what is the influence?

Are you trying to tell people how guitar benefits you? Then what experience you treasure most?
You should elaborate on one point but not all the point. It may confuse people what you are talking about.

Just my suggestions.

Take whatever you want.
longyue   
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / "Your favorite books, music, artists, newspapers, films" UChicago short response [8]

I think you need not to focus on only one book. It is okay for you to talk about two. However, you could only develop one standpoint from the two books. Never stop by mentioning. AO may not be impressed by your essay in this way. You could try to relate the same point in two books to your interest or experience.

Just my opinions.

Take whatever you want.
longyue   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / A moment of epiphany- Essay of my choice [4]

I think this one is a pretty good essay.

Anyway, I have one suggestion. You need to further emphasize the central point that your being able to send others happiness encourages you to face the challenges in the future. In addition, it's no need to describe so much background of the story. It's your logic and thought that most matter.

oh, and I think you don't need to write this sentence. It's redundant:
"And so goes the common saying: The best things in life are free."

Just my opinions.
Take whatever you want.
longyue   
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "My parents are pastors" - UC Prompt #1 - My World [18]

Sorry for making your confused. I am saying you may distinguish one point, for instance, your trip to Brazil and let other information be backgrounds. In this way, your opinions could be concentrated in one point instead of spreading around. I think this would be better.

Just my opinions.
take whatever you want.
longyue   
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "My parents are pastors" - UC Prompt #1 - My World [18]

I think readers could clearly understand the ideas you express in the first essay. However, your essay is a little bit redundant. In addition, I think you should distinguish one point that affects you most during writing. For instance, you have talked about your parents, siblings, regions. Than you may use some information as backgrounds and emphasize, for instance, your trip to Brazil to express your dream to help people around the world. That way, you will easily impress the readers.

These are just my opinions.
Take whatever you want.
longyue   
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: Living in a bubble [3]

Well, honestly, I think this is a pretty good essay. I would say by contrasting two different pictures, you express your desire to challenge the outside world. Something you may need to elaborate is that you spend a little bit much words on describing the child. You will need to specify how comfortable your bubble is. For your second question, I think you do not need more words to be added.
longyue   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker - Breaking Stereotypes [7]

I guess your idea is clear to me: how does a girl from NY break the conventional bubbles? However, I think you need to elaborate on one small thing, not talking about everything. You need to open a small window and let others see your world through the window. I think it's no need to spend too much words saying how different you are compared to others. The REASONS that stimulate you to love reading but not movies, or motivate you to get good grades in exams are the most important. Is it because you love to challenge the cliches? Then what motivates you to do so. I think this point is the essential one.

These are just my opinions.

Take whatever you want.
longyue   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / an asian family -UC personal statement: Describe the world you come from [...] [6]

I think you honestly tell readers ur genuine confusion about defining yourself and your hoping to

discover yourself in college. however, you spared so many words only DESCRIBING ur

surroundings, but abandon the important point "how these things shape who u are". my suggestion

is focusing on how two seemingly opposite views stimulate your motivation to challenge

yourself in the future. When you could forget about others' definitions of you and respite the

conventional ideas, you have grown up and found who you truly are.

This is just my opinions. Take whatever u want.
longyue   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: "My past and my present are the key to my future." [13]

If i am not heading wrong, ur goal is to tell readers how America and Mexico both form u and ur

dreams and how you coordinate the two. If so, I think the first four paragraphs are good. But

honestly, i could not see how the poem colors ur essay. It again readress the above information.

And the last one, I guess u could portray a specific small point about ur transition from EL.

Primarily, this is a good one. You have address your personal stories and feelings.That's good.

These are just my personal opinions.

Take whatever u want.
longyue   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / '/RISD Dual Program' - Brown Supplement-------Why Brown? [4]

This is my supplement for the application of Brown...

--------------Thanks for any harsh criticism or comment on this unrefined essay.----------------

In Brown, I believe I would not have time to hesitate in throwing myself to something I truly love. Students there have their individual goals, sharing the courage to pursue them regardless of others' choices. In Chinese traditional ideas, transcript could decide everything. I remember in senior one, 4 of our classmates signed to compete in ceramic making competition. To stand out from the crowds, we applied normal mud to making bronzy quadripod, an ancient Chinese cooking vessel with four legs. The process indeed required both tolerance and subtlety. I dried the mud, molded to scheduled shapes and put paste to the join points. Most difficultly, I should score in the mud with burin, but simultaneously not penetrate the thin layers. When I finally painted the quadripod in black green, I had already spent a week doing so every night. Only completed the regular homework but not the additional assignment, my mom was angry and criticized me for not focusing on my poor physics but devoting time on recreation. Though I was mad to hear the words, I indeed understood my mother's thoughts. In a school where the students' behaviors were all judged by the blocked subjects, it was hard not to admire the students who had outstanding transcript. Maybe that was the reason why I devoted much time to the abhorring physics. Why in the world do I need to sacrifice my piano-playing time or painting time to analyze how a bullet penetrates a wooden block?

The Brown/RISD Dual Program is the second reason; it indeed unfastened my cumulative worries. I really loved art design, especially watercolor painting. At a very young age, I told my surrounding people about my three dream jobs: painter (or designer), pianist and athletics. However, my only 16.5 centimeters short hands stopped the second dream and my entrance to senior school instead of sports school cancelled my third one ( In China, most athletes started professional training at a very young age and often dropped the regular studies). The only surviving dream drove me to major in Arts in university. However, the older I am, the more fascinations I discover in this world. I love mathematics, as well as environmental science. Those things stop me from stepping in only one road. So when I discovered the program in the website, I firmly held the belief that I would give this a try no matter the result. Even if I fail, I would not regret.
longyue   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Passion and demand for business' - u of m-what led me to major in business? [3]

I think the main problem is that your statement is too general. It could be written by anyone,but not only you. So how can the admission officer feel your intense motivation to major in the field? He might not have the curiosity to read it all. You indeed need to add something personal and strongly felt, which only belongs to you.

By the way, your structure is pretty clear.that's a good thing.

Take whatever you think is helpful.
longyue   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke supplement----Why Duke engineering?----Seeking feedback [6]

I think your some of your words mainly discussed about why you want to choose the certain major, but not why you choose Duke. Your fascination with engineering is clear, but it could not be the sole reason for you to enter Duke. you need to use more words in describing the comprehensive Duke, besides the last paragraph and delete some sentences in engineering.

But anyway, i think it is a pretty good work.
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