Posts by icysakura

icysakura

Dec 24, 2009

Undergraduate / "I hope to envision, to design and to execute" - Cornell - Why Engineering [12]

..wow..that was fantastic! (something I rarely say about an essay).
The extended metaphor is superb, and your use of imagery is great!

A few things:
- The prompt is 2 fold: 1. why you love engineering & 2. why cornell
You spend about 75% on the first part. It's perfectly fine, I was just wondering if you could add a little more substance to why you want to go to Cornell. The biggest reason (and I would say the only specific one) you give is the Co-Op program, and you spent only 1 sentence on it. I would delve deeper into "Why Cornell" because if you absolutely love engineering like your essay clearly shows, an adcom might feel you would be content at ANY engineering program- your reasons for why you are entrusting Cornell with your "love" are a little weak. Make it a little more compelling for the last paragraph :)

Also.
I am in love with Praxis because she is powerful, capable of controlling the forces of nature to her benefit. She solidifies the thought and converts all of its potential into reality.

Hence, I wish to become an Engineer. Through the combination of my love for Idea and for Praxis, I hope to envision, to design and to execute. I want to become the bridge between science and art, linking two opposite worlds that were meant to be connected. I want God to give me the world and say: "Go ahead; you can play with it now. Pretend that it is a blank piece of paper."'

The gap between the paragraphs is a bit abrupt. It goes from the abstract into a concrete vocation. I would put "~~Hence~~ I wish to become an engineer" towards the end, because the sentences you write after it are still abstract-ish.

You could add something cool about how, as an engineer, you can fuse together the two loves :)

Engineers are not men of a single love. Instead, their souls are divided into two equal halves, each safeguarded by a mistress
I mean, I personally don't care that you're speaking from the male point of view. I'm just wondering about the implications of it. Would your essay hold true for female engineers? I don't think its that big of a deal, it just struck me because you're making an assertion about engineers that isn't always true.

I hope my comments help, and best of luck! Maybe I'll see you at Cornell (I'm applying for ILR)

icysakura

Dec 21, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Grammar question: More knowledgeable than "I" or "me"? [9]

hehe it does seem a little confusing.
Thanks everybody for the help!
Thank you EF_Kevin for the helpful link.
(And just in case anyone is wondering, in my essay I'm using "I" instead of "me")

icysakura

Dec 19, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Grammar question: More knowledgeable than "I" or "me"? [9]

"This problem has occupied the minds of experts vastly more knowledgeable than I"
Should it be "more knowledgeable than me"?
I've said both out loud dozens of times and cannot remember which is the grammatically correct one.
Thank you!

icysakura

Dec 19, 2009

Undergraduate / A short paragraph from my Why Northwestern essay. [4]

With approximately 35 percent of all students in some Greek house, Northwestern certainly provide students with a wide non-academic curriculum.
Sounds a bit like a stat...
"some Greek house" could either mean
A. what you mean (which i totally understand)
B. they are all in the same Greek house, which is some random Greek house you don't know the name of.
I suggest using "a" instead of "some"
Also, it would be "Northwestern certainly provides "

Overall- well done! It was clear you did quite a bit of research :)
When you start talking about the Rock, though - perhaps its just sentence structure - it sounds more like you are reciting facts about Northwestern (which I'm sure ad-coms know quite well) instead of explaining why you love Northwestern/fit there.

The student traditions part 'till the end is excellent; it pinpoints specifically what you love about Northwestern.

Good luck, and hope my suggestions helped!

icysakura

Dec 19, 2009

Undergraduate / I was born in Yale-New Haven Hospital, and my father got his PhD from Yale. [6]

Hi-

I'm sure legacy will be noted somewhere on your application and supplement.
Insofar as that is true, I suggest using this short 500 character space to highlight something else. Space is precious :)

You can dedicate a sentence or two about how you grew up hearing that Yale was the greatest, or that you grew up around Yale.

THEN, go into what specifically about Yale drew your attention/corresponded with a SPECIFIC interest or goal you had in mind.

Ask your dad what specifically (haha I'm using that word so often) made Yale one of the best experiences of his life. Then, hopefully you can incorporate that aspect (not your dad's opinion, but the actual aspect) into the answer.

I gather from your last sentence that environmental awareness is important to you. Talk about how you want to be surrounded with peers who are aware of their actions/globally responsible, i.e. through environmental awareness, and since Yale is like that...etc.

Hope it helped!

icysakura

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Title of my life- Is it Ok to use 3 adjectives as a title? [5]

"sponge, cliff, and soaking"
the concepts behind them/that you explain are very interesting, but as they are, i dont think they would make a sufficient title.
the structure isn't parallel, for one thing. two nouns and an adjective (or verb, depending on how you look at it), or one noun and two verbs that are not parallel...

something more interesting would be like "The Daredevil Sponge", though that sounds a bit more like the name of a spongebob episode than of a metaphorical essay you have here. But the idea is to find a way to incorporate/summarize those concepts behind the 3 adj. into a more fluid title.

Hm. As for the prompt..I like the story, but I'm not sure if they (whoever is receiving this) would view it as relevant.

Just make it clear that instead of giving the title and THEN explaining, you have it in reverse order.
Emphasize/clarify the shift from your adventure to your thoughts about a title/the story of your life.

icysakura

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Statement - I come to Brooklyn to teach these kids [4]

I see. Thanks!

below is my essay..the statement in question is the very last.

Someone once said that children are little, adorable personifications of innocence. Fat little cherubs gilded with gentleness and goodness. Well, whoever said that has clearly never taught fifth-graders.

"Miss Christine? Miss Christine?" a little girl whispered hesitantly, as she tugged at my shirt. It was the middle of the Brooklyn Music Camp's morning rehearsal. Her whisper was nearly drowned out by the singing of forty boys and girls aged 9 to 12. My back was to her - I had been helping a little boy next to me read the song lyrics. I shifted and turned to see her wide-eyed, anxious face.

"Miss Christine, I think Jackie and Kevin are fighting," she said, still in that same hesitant whisper. My eyes widened, and I looked to the middle of the row of children behind me to see two fifth-grade boys swinging and kicking at each other, approximately twenty feet away. Jackie and Kevin were so engrossed in fighting with each other that they had exchanged blows without uttering a single sound from their mouths. I think I might have flown the distance, and I immediately stood between the two as a human barrier. Lord help me, I thought grimly, if this is what the second day of music camp looks like, I sure don't want to see the third.

When I complained loudly to fellow camp counselors that afternoon, they nodded sympathetically. After all, I was the counselor who had "the Three Musketeers" in my group; each was like a migraine. Put any two of them together (like Jackie and Kevin), and you've got the equivalent of a water-boarding experience. Add the third, and you produce a highly unstable hydrogen bomb. They're only simple, raucous boys living in the Asian part of Brooklyn, I grumped.

Until my team leader cleared her throat at the team debrief and began to discuss the five "problem kids" in the camp, three of which were my musketeers. In a quiet voice, she related the miserable family background of each of them. The entire room of counselors fell silent. I would behave a lot worse than my musketeers had if I was traded off annually between inhospitable strangers, or abandoned to live alone in Brooklyn for an entire month. The behavior of my musketeers was nowhere as bad as I would have expected from kids with their backgrounds.

I felt sick inside, aghast as I mentally replayed my condescending behavior towards Jackie, Kevin, and Stephen. Overwhelmed and ashamed, my eyes filled when I failed to recall an instance in which I had treated them with the love they had never received from their families. Their unruly behavior bore no underlying malice or bitterness. In spite of their sobering experiences, they were still uncomplicated children.

I had always prided myself on refusing to let people define or label me, delighting in the liberty I had in creating my own image, free of stereotypes. But here, I had labeled the kids based on a mere two days of limited interaction - who they were, and what their limits were. I had become one of those people I'd previously condemned for stereotyping.

I resolved to start over with an open mind. With new eyes, rid of the cataracts of prejudice, I could clearly see my kids for who they were: precious, feisty, children who deserved credit for rising above broken homes and broken families. When they saw that I was proud of them, they grew to respect and love me. As the days passed, they began to share with me their jokes, their little secrets, and their hugs.

I had come to Brooklyn to teach these kids; instead, I had become their student. They taught me their special version of "chopsticks" (complete with imaginary flamethrowers) and the most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh cards. But the lesson they had unknowingly imparted to me was a humbling reminder about a concept I thought I had already mastered: everyone has a story. Everyone is a story, not simply a "misfit", "migraine", or "musketeer". There are triumphs and difficulties unique to each person, and lessons I can glean from them, regardless of the gilded or worn exteriors of the covers of their narratives. Everywhere we turn, they are just waiting to be heard.

icysakura

Oct 29, 2009

Grammar, Usage / "peer WHO or peer THAT"? [3]

"I would rather learn among peers THAT are friendly"
or
"I would rather learn among peers WHO are friendly"?

Also, is it bad if at the end of a 1st person (not very formal) essay, I incorporate a lesson that I learn and end by saying something about the opportunies "we" (not I) have to apply this lesson?

icysakura

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Title of my life- Is it Ok to use 3 adjectives as a title? [5]

first of all, you do a great job of imagery!
Instead of the usual "there was", you tell how books lay there or bodies fell, etc.

-Just be sure not to overdo it, because in the first few paragraphs they all seem to start the same way and have the same structure. of course, parallel structure is great for an entire paragraph, but three consecutive paragraphs relying heavily on the same structure seems a tad too much =) just my opinion; I don't want the repetition to detract from the quality of your first paragraph or two.

"People behind me were desperately bending against the oars, their effort seeming only to make it harder to break through."

- run on sentence- end it at "oars." Also, I don't understand what you mean by "bending against" - you mean throwing their body weight against it? clarify the imagery/action.

- "Their effort only seemed to make", or "Their effort only made" for less passive voice
- "to make it harder to break through"; word choice. It's not so much break through as it is to push past the boulder

"In a last desperate minute, however, I pulled the emergency motor string and the raft began to scrape past the rock."

- I'd use "During those desperate minutes, I gave a hasty yank to the emergency..."

"The river eventually subsided, leaving the raft full of water and six thrilled passengers drenched. "

- "six thrilled passengers drenched" is a bit awkward. I know what you mean by "thrilled", but perhaps that could be more clearly explained w. another word. "leaving a water-logged raft filled with six, drenched passengers chattering excitedly about their narrow escape/adventure", or something like that.

icysakura

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short A. - Metaphorical significance or tangible significance? [4]

thank you both very much for the input!

icysakura

Oct 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Goldman Sachs CTW - CommonApp - elaborate an experience. (150 words) [3]

"During the school year, I had the ~~best~~ opportunity to work with Goldman Sachs Community Team Works in a service project called Project HAPPY Carnival Day. The volunteers and I helped assemble a carnival for those with either mental or physical disabilities"

- end the sentence after "disabilities." and then start a new one;

"I spent the day entertaining them with carnival activities including jewelry making, cup cake designing, car racing, bowling and more. For the majority of the time, I worked in car racing and bowling, an active area that many kids and adults enjoyed."

- For the second sentence here, I suggest you rewrite it. Since the space is limited, maybe replace it with a more specific thought; like, that 'you worked in a popular booth and thus you were able to interact with a lot of people and see firsthand the joy on their faces as they participated in car racing and bowling.'

"Being able to work with this organization was a pivotal event in/~~the changing aspect of~~ my life, helping me uncover/ ~~allowing me to realize~~ what I want to pursue as a career. "

- "changing aspect" - perhaps another adjective, or something about how that serving opportunity granted you an epiphany or realization; "allowing me to realize" is pretty good. The point is that the opportunity/experience helped you further uncover your greatest passion.

"Seeing the faces of children so happy, being cared by not only parents, but by me and other volunteers, felt good knowing that they were safe and healthy. Helping and caring is what I enjoyed and seeing them happy made me realize I wanted to become a nurse, a job that requires taking care of someone, which is something that I both enjoy and good at."

- The first sentence is a bit awkward, with lots of clauses. There is some subject confusion, so it sounds like the faces are the things being cared for/it is unclear who or what felt good knowing they/the faces? were safe and healthy. I suggest getting rid of some of those clauses.

- Maybe rephrase it more simply to capture ; witnessing their joy made the care, attention, and work you put in completely worthwhile. You want to bring that same kind of joy and health to others; since you know you can do that through attentively caring to the physical needs of others, you want to be a nurse.

- Great topic! Very heartfelt. I hope my suggestions helped!

icysakura

Oct 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Short A. - Metaphorical significance or tangible significance? [4]

Hi!

Prompt: common app short answer; In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

----------------
I'm not sure whether or not I should go for:
1. the more metaphorical kind of answer;basically, saying just what playing the djembe means to me personally
2. how my djembe playing affected others or where I served. In this one, I did try to squeeze some of that "personal meaning" in there...but it seems totally unfocused.

below are the respective drafts;

1. Several guys standing nearby smirked - they found the sight of me carrying a giant, African hand-drum an oddity.
Five years ago, I was initially hesitant to take up the instrument; though I loved percussion, who had ever heard of a girl, and a short, Asian one at that, playing the djembé? But that very notion spurred my desire to learn.

Today, I play for my church's services, children's program, and youth group praise team. I also play the djembé on short term mission trips to Brooklyn and the Dominican Republic. This is my third year serving on my youth group's praise team. I've noticed, with delight, the growing number of girls learning the djembé. Many of them had noticed me, the sole female percussionist on the team. I've been able to teach or encourage them to pursue whatever instrument they choose. For some, it is a hobby. For me, the throbbing of the drum is much more than the rhythmic pulse of a song; it is the vehicle/medium by which I define myself in the sight and hearing of all others.

2. I heard a snicker. A group of guys smirked at me - they found the sight of a diminutive, Asian girl carrying a giant hand-drum an oddity. I set my jaw, sat on a boulder nearby, deposited the djembé on the ground, and began to play. They fell silent.

Five years ago, I had been hesitant to take up the instrument; I loved music and had a knack for rhythm, but who had ever heard of a girl, and a short, Asian one at that, playing the djembé? But that very notion spurred my desire to learn.

The throbbing of the drum is much more than the rhythmic pulse of a song; it is the medium by which I define myself in the sight and hearing of all others. The drum beats are my feelings, my expressions of personality beyond the stereotypes for all to hear. Just as the djembé can beautifully enhance songs most would assume percussion is incompatible with, so do I seek to challenge assumptions and surprise people, through the shades of sound produced by the pounding of the drum.

Both a bit on the long side/180 word mark.
Any critiques or advice or suggestions are very much appreciated! Tear it apart :D