Undergraduate / Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing [10]

Thanks for all the feedback!

I've revised the final two paragraphs and my conclusion is more explicit and it gives a clearer sense of purpose.

Thank you again =)

Undergraduate / Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing [10]

Could a moderator please delete this thread? or my essay at least =) thank you

Undergraduate / A Future Doctor: 7 year BS-MD Program Essay [5]

I think the first paragraph could be more personal. As in you could mention the fact that you also have a beating heart. As it stands i feel that it is slightly detached.

How about something like this:
"I traced the path of blood flow over and over, marveled by how the complexity of this long chain of events occurs so easily every day, every minute, every second. I felt the very organ beating inside of me now. Its deep composed thumps assured me that I was perfectly at home. "

I find the proximity of the words "morgue," "beauty" and "divine" slightly disturbing:
As I walked into the morgue at Drexel University College of Medicine, as a member of the National Youth Leadership Forum, I was captivated by not only the beauty of the divine human body on the bed, but also by the students.

how about something that mediates them. like "cold beauty of the human body"

I think that "I had about five pieces of candyby the time I left" should come at the end of that paragraph as framing device.

I do agree that the conclusion is a bit weak. I cant think of anything right now =( but you should work on it.

My 2 cents =)

Undergraduate / Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing [10]

analysing is the british spelling =P
im an international hehe
but i will change all the words to their american counterparts =)

Undergraduate / Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing [10]

thanks for the edits. really appreciate it =)

Perhaps i need to make it clearer that its the left pinky that is really important in guitar-playing.

ill come back with a revision =)

Undergraduate / "Judge people by their character" - FSU Essay Rough Draft - Mores [5]

"Judge people by their character, not by how they look,their looks. "

"I succeeded in making it and also learned something else : to keep traditions alive."
I would write it like this:

"Not only did I succeed in making the dish, I also learned to keep traditions alive."

My 2 cents =)

Undergraduate / "those seeking a new life come forth the Lord" -personal statement. an exprience [6]

He suddenly stopped in id sentence, and said for those seeking a new life come forth the Lord, "he can help you".
I dont really get this sentence. Do you mean:
He suddenly stopped in mid sentence, and said "for those seeking a new life come forth. The Lord, he can help you".

"don't be afraid, this is your chance. F orget everyone else."

You changed verb tense somewhere in the middle of the second paragraph. Its pretty confusing.

Scholarship / UW Honors/ Good citizenship comes from good scholarship [6]

"The statement reflects the intended message that the more knowledgeable [knowledge? ] a person has about his/her surroundings and the society theyhe/she belongs to, the greater constructive impact theyhe/she will have on these same spheres of life."

You should either stick to he/she or they throughout.

Undergraduate / Not a Love Story - UT Person of Influence [6]

"but I lacked the confidence to do so because I had no idea how to dance like everyone else was. "

"she is a person of influence to me because she helped me get over my fear of rejection by simply saying "Yes." "

I'm wondering if the text in red is necessary.

Otherwise great essay. Really cute ending =)

Undergraduate / MIT "Something for fun" and "Department" Essays critique? [6]

aquamarine
A vast majority of undergrads do urop and this is regardless of ones major. its kind of an addendum to ones undergraduate course.
Im on the same boat as you sozin and i basically specified what course i wanted to take (in my case Course 8) and of course why.

For the first response, how about abridging the first sentence to "I am no Iron Chef."