redsox34
Jan 3, 2010
redsox34
Dec 31, 2009
Grammar, Usage / metaphor for feeling out of control [7]
Hmmm...I'm not really looking for a synonym. I was trying to come up with a metaphor. I am describing the feeling I had when I found out my dad was having a heart attack. I liked the metaphor I used (I quoted it above), but I was told the standing at a cliff metaphor is overused and trite.
Hmmm...I'm not really looking for a synonym. I was trying to come up with a metaphor. I am describing the feeling I had when I found out my dad was having a heart attack. I liked the metaphor I used (I quoted it above), but I was told the standing at a cliff metaphor is overused and trite.
redsox34
Dec 29, 2009
Grammar, Usage / metaphor for feeling out of control [7]
Having trouble coming up with a good metaphor for the feeling I had when I found out my father was having a heart attack and could die. I had used this "I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a cliff with gusty winds threatening to send me into the abyss." I've been told the cliff image is overused. I'm wracking my brain for something else. Anyone have advice?
Having trouble coming up with a good metaphor for the feeling I had when I found out my father was having a heart attack and could die. I had used this "I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a cliff with gusty winds threatening to send me into the abyss." I've been told the cliff image is overused. I'm wracking my brain for something else. Anyone have advice?
redsox34
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Calli (Common App. Essay) - Something can fall in a heartbeat. [14]
is the destiny that has no part in changing already written out?
It's a very well written essay. It is moving.
is the destiny that has no part in changing already written out?
It's a very well written essay. It is moving.
redsox34
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "live your life as a work of art" - Common Application [6]
Actually, I really like it. It is genuine and the adcoms will know it. It is also well written.
It's an odd phenomenon that's left my mum, dad and I in endless arguments. - should be "my mum, dad and me"
You will need to be careful that your grammar is perfect since you want to be an English teacher. I'm not great at grammar, so hopefully some others will make corrections.
In the first short essay, I would change :
Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, you're mourning a lover, in the next, you're fleeing from the Erlking. You say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, I'm mourning a lover, in the next, I'm fleeing from the Erlking. I say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
Good luck.
Actually, I really like it. It is genuine and the adcoms will know it. It is also well written.
It's an odd phenomenon that's left my mum, dad and I in endless arguments. - should be "my mum, dad and me"
You will need to be careful that your grammar is perfect since you want to be an English teacher. I'm not great at grammar, so hopefully some others will make corrections.
In the first short essay, I would change :
Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, you're mourning a lover, in the next, you're fleeing from the Erlking. You say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, I'm mourning a lover, in the next, I'm fleeing from the Erlking. I say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
Good luck.
redsox34
Nov 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Intellectual, athletic, cultural, social interests apart from medicine [6]
How can we help if we don't know your outside interests/extra cirriculars?
How can we help if we don't know your outside interests/extra cirriculars?
redsox34
Nov 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Help me decide which essay to use for the common application... [8]
My opinion, for what it's worth: The first essay is a very common subject...why one loves a sport. The second one sounds a little whiny. I think a great topic would be about an experience with your Ukrainian band. It is unique. Sometimes the best essays are just a slice of life telling about a particular event instead of generalities. Could you tell about a particular concert you put on? Or the day you tried out for the band? Or just a day something interesting happened with the band? Something where you learned a lesson? Just an idea.
My opinion, for what it's worth: The first essay is a very common subject...why one loves a sport. The second one sounds a little whiny. I think a great topic would be about an experience with your Ukrainian band. It is unique. Sometimes the best essays are just a slice of life telling about a particular event instead of generalities. Could you tell about a particular concert you put on? Or the day you tried out for the band? Or just a day something interesting happened with the band? Something where you learned a lesson? Just an idea.
redsox34
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin Statement Essay, overcoming hardships [4]
"artery gone array" - gone awry
"my brothers loose the many opportunities" - should be "lose" not loose
This traumatic even has taught me - change "even" to event
"artery gone array" - gone awry
"my brothers loose the many opportunities" - should be "lose" not loose
This traumatic even has taught me - change "even" to event
redsox34
Nov 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
In the second essay, the length is not the problem. You tell the reader all about DaVinci but nothing about yourself. You have to reveal who you are in this essay and you missed the mark.
In the second essay, the length is not the problem. You tell the reader all about DaVinci but nothing about yourself. You have to reveal who you are in this essay and you missed the mark.
redsox34
Nov 4, 2009
Undergraduate / essay on Scuba Diving(rough): Common App Essay [5]
I wrote about a similar experience under topic of my choice. When I had an admissions coach read my essay, she cut the final paragraph where I blatantly explained what I learned from the experience. She explained that adcoms are smart and you don't need to spell it out for them. From reading the piece, I get that you are brave, adventurous and have an interest in the marine world. I really like your essay. I think it is well written. The subject matter is really interesting, which I know the adcoms appreciate. I will say that it is far too long...over 800 words. You need to be more concise...cut, cut and cut some more. It would be a real bonus if your academic interests have something to do with marine biology or something connected to the essay. You don't need to mention it in this essay, but if it ties into the rest of your application that would be a plus. Good luck.
I wrote about a similar experience under topic of my choice. When I had an admissions coach read my essay, she cut the final paragraph where I blatantly explained what I learned from the experience. She explained that adcoms are smart and you don't need to spell it out for them. From reading the piece, I get that you are brave, adventurous and have an interest in the marine world. I really like your essay. I think it is well written. The subject matter is really interesting, which I know the adcoms appreciate. I will say that it is far too long...over 800 words. You need to be more concise...cut, cut and cut some more. It would be a real bonus if your academic interests have something to do with marine biology or something connected to the essay. You don't need to mention it in this essay, but if it ties into the rest of your application that would be a plus. Good luck.
redsox34
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / BU describe yourself - how to be creative with this prompt [7]
Thanks! I like Ivyeyes ideas. Coming up with the traits to write about is not my problem. I was just having a difficult time trying to figure out how to write about them in a way that wouldn't be boring - like listing off traits and explanations. I think I will use another essay I wrote about an experience I had that displays my traits. Appreciate the help!
Thanks! I like Ivyeyes ideas. Coming up with the traits to write about is not my problem. I was just having a difficult time trying to figure out how to write about them in a way that wouldn't be boring - like listing off traits and explanations. I think I will use another essay I wrote about an experience I had that displays my traits. Appreciate the help!
redsox34
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / BU describe yourself - how to be creative with this prompt [7]
Hi - Boston University's supplemental essay prompt reads: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
I am a pretty good writer. My other essays are unique and grabbing. This prompt makes it difficult to write in a way that would capture the reader. Looking for a way to tackle it that might make it a little more exciting.
Any ideas?
Hi - Boston University's supplemental essay prompt reads: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
I am a pretty good writer. My other essays are unique and grabbing. This prompt makes it difficult to write in a way that would capture the reader. Looking for a way to tackle it that might make it a little more exciting.
Any ideas?
